no strings

and they all hang there as if it were meant to be. how many more to go before it stops? where does it end? if they were to fly away, then why do they fly to you in the first place? and if strings were meant to be broken, why do we tie them together? only to have to hang them up, broken in pieces.

i'm doing good just so you know. maybe better. people are always running in pursuit of their own happiness. define happiness. i can't. mine isn't the same as yours. but i know what i want. i won't settle for less. i know i will get there someday. even if it meant cutting off loose strings that would only break in the end, sooner or later. my happiness is out there. and i will believe that i am reaching, finally, towards it.

letting go

“Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you.”
— Paulo Coelho

you make me smile ♥

when..

.. you call me "princess"

.. you tuck me into bed at night

.. my fingers touch yours under the pillow

.. you ask me out for dinners

.. you tell me how pretty my dress is

.. you tell me that i look pretty even without glasses

.. you take my hand and place it in yours

.. you tell me that you love having me cook for you

.. you put your arms around me so i could sleep on it

.. you hold me close when the cold sets in

.. you kiss me on the forehead

.. you tell me i'm not fat

.. you make me laugh everytime i cry

.. you succumb to my mental tortures

.. we talk to each other over the phone when the world is fast asleep

.. we snuggle into each others' arms 

.. you come to my rescue 

.. i call you and immediately you're there

.. you tell me that you miss me 

.. you're always here for me

.. you tell me that you love me :) 

and it's all because of you.. ♥

:)

traces

Well they say that love is in the air, but never is it clear,
How to pull it close and make it stay
Butterflies are free to fly, and so they fly away
And I'm left to carry on and wonder why
Even through it all, I'm always on your side..

Ahh! :)

on a brighter note.

i know things have been really rocky for me. no one knows what this heart has gone through the past week. behind that strong, tough facade.

anyways, i said i would blog about something happy. something lighter than that of my dark, emo side.

singapore was fun! :) haha. ok so much for trying.

ok so yes, singapore was REALLLYYY FUN! :D no seriously. me. lams. kw. ho. vin. bo. chicken. :)

pictures say it all!

marina barrage was really beautiful. absolutely gorgeous! and all those attempts at taking jumping shots! haha.

the ho. the princess. lumpers. chicken. bo. ohh.

my tetanus posture :)

we thought the tiles were really pretty. haha. this is near bugis. where we stayed.


this is our hostel! abc backpackers hostel. thanks to koo ho wai who found it :) cheapooo! but the lady wasn't too friendly though. scold scold scold. tskkk!


stopped by at almost 10 malls. its crazy. all that walking. i swear i had plantar fascitis then. god. 2nd day was the zoo. not a big fan but it was probably the best zoo ever. better than taiping definitely. and then hit the clubs at 12am. guess what time we came back. 4 freakin am!! ok but it was really cool. zirca is the bomb. what i'd remember most about it was the fact that i stood dancing behind the pedestal-like bars. haha. no i was not drunk :) no pictures cos we were busy dancing!

3rd day we were just too exhausted. went to body worlds at the science centre. AWESOMENESSSSS! talk about anatomy. its amazing how they are able to show such well preserved muscles, ligaments, tendons, vessels, organs, everything!

by the time we hit home, our energy level decreased to zero. literally. just absolutely fun! :)

since uni started, things have gone really out of hand. i am better. at least i hope i am and i keep it that way. too tired of such nonsense already. but i will still hope. and have faith. because i truly believe that when that day comes, he and i will know it. he will fight for me. yes mich? :) love you for constantly being there for me. i would've died. school work is getting out of hand. haven't been studying at all. still lovin ortho. although its not like i'm super good at it.

my baby htc died out. so i'm sorry people if i haven't been replying any of the msgs or have been unreachable. trying to get it done. i miss having to call mummy anytime i want. sigh. maybe this is punishment for my last month's bill which went up to rm250. yes, kill me.

gah. i need to pick myself up again. i need to revamp myself. i need to wake up from a long long dream and start living reality. its already knocking at my feet. i will. i can do this. there's always a reason to everything that has happened. it made me grow. i learned. God wouldn't put me through this if He didn't know i would pull through and that this was for my own good. He loves me.

i will be happy. i know i will.

that fairytale

12th July 2009 : Today was a fairytale ♥

the fear

maybe it's the fear of losing you.

knowing you would always be there anytime i need a shoulder to cry on. anytime i need a hand to hold on to. anytime i feel like being myself.

you were always there. to look out for me.

i know.

but i am scared. afraid.

because as much as i want to lie, i can't keep pretending to know that you will always be.

you may not.

will always have you here. you and i know where that is.

all that i'm worth

all that i'm worth is just that. maybe even none. nothing.

again and again he breaks my heart. and again. where does it stop. how much more do i have to endure. just when do they realise that i am just another ordinary human being.

maybe it's been me all along. maybe i should've handled things differently. maybe i should've looked at the bigger picture altogether. i allowed all of these to happen. and in the end i am the very sole person to be blamed.

i don't recall ever liking someone that much. i know i have so much to give. so much love to share. so much that i could give anything. and i am like that very person who would do anything and give everything when i love that someone. i don't know if he ever remembers all the things i have done. from the very first time i made him walk up and down to search for my missing handphone to making him food and then to all the things i shared. i don't know where i gave away too little that it wasn't enough for him that it doesn't matter what i did in the past for him anymore now. maybe my efforts were too insignificant hence it never got reciprocated because he never knew how much i wanted to care and give and to have him in my life. then it came crashing down.

until i found a short-lived bliss. which came crashing down all too soon again. i was the fool this time. the voices in my head keep telling me i should've known better. i should've been better. i should've deserved better. why couldn't i find that person who would fight for me till the end. why couldn't i have that one person that would want to see me happy. that would want the best for me. that would want me for who i am. forever doesn't exist. happily ever after doesn't too. he took away that last bit of hope in me. like candles that burn out all too soon.

and then here he is telling me he would always be there for me. complete lie. i am not that toy you can play around with. yes i am sorry i gave you one of the darkest moments in your life. i am sorry for the past and current misery you're in. yes, blame it on me. if that makes you feel better. if you don't want me, what are you doing with me? stop telling me how much you miss me. and how much you care. and how much you still want to. because you know you don't. and just stop breaking my heart again. enough. i don't want another reason to be crying every night. to have to wake up and start hating myself. hating the person i am becoming. hating every living breath in me. i should have no reason to hate myself.

the hardest thing to do

he and i haven't had such a long, heartfelt conversation in a long long time. then again, it's not like we ever really spoke openly about how we felt before. then again, i'm sure i did. i just never got to hear it from him.

and i realized that there were so many things that were left unsaid. so many things i wished i'd hear before it had to resolve to this. can't help but to keep asking myself "what if" and "why didn't you".

why didn't you tell me this before

why didn't you assure me of all this before

why didn't you tell me how important i was before

why didn't you tell me how much you liked me before

why didn't you tell me all the things i want to hear before

why didn't you hold my hand when we were out before

why didn't you tell me how i held that special place in your heart

why didn't you tell me how you really want to care

why didn't you tell me how much i mattered to you

sigh. it just had to come down to this, hadn't it. i just want him to know that it took a lot out of me to make the decision i made 3 months ago. even if it meant that it was tearing me apart, breaking my every soul in me. it just wasn't enough for me. all that frustration and anger and him not understanding what i want. and in the end, i realized we would sooner have to resort to this. it would only end up this way if we kept it longer. i didn't want to change him. i couldn't bring myself to do it. i didn't want to be that psychotic bitchy girl friend who controlled every part of his life. because in the end, he would only resent me for the things i made him do. it took me long enough to realise that we both wanted different things. we were different. he would always be so laid back about everything else. and i would be that uptight-dislodged-screw-in-the-head girl.

it was painful. it still is. and as selfish as i am (and i'm sure any other girl would say the same), i'm still demanding all i can from him. it's not fair. i know. he only wants to be happy too. so do i. and my pursuit for happiness was at his expense. i should stop. trying.

i said to him. even if it meant we were moving on. or we are two separate individuals now. he will always have that special place in my heart. no matter what. i will be there. through all despairs. i've got his back. and i know he's got mine too :)

the high and the low

I AM OFFICIALLY MOVING ON TO 5TH YEAR IN MEDICAL SCHOOL!

thank you to all who believed in me. who had so much of faith in me. whose hope and belief never did waver. and who supported me in every possible way from the very beginning of this madness till its very last bit.

mum, for her undying love and support! :) wouldn't have made it through without her definitely. literally my maid for an entire week. breaks my heart to see her work so much for me :( love you mum.

mich, for those emails, and the words of encouragement. wonder how you kept them coming when i'm always whining and complaining. thank you for just believing that i can do this and those prayers i made you do for me :)

sooi! for constantly asking me how i was doing on msn and for putting up with my MIA acts, and still not giving up on me. and for just being there anytime i needed you. :)

ho, kw, lams, surin, viv, avinder, bo, chicken, pik - i'm glad we pulled through this together. all those sleep-deprived days and palpitations and panic attacks! whining and complaining. but most importantly, keeping each other going every minute of the day :) WE DID IT!

say hello to semester 8 and semester 9! :) say hello to EDINBURGH! lee kah weng, i told you we'd be going together didnt i? rolls eyes. and italy :) and london and old trafford :) and my beloved ireland :)

it's been a crazy week and month altogether. its like this drought that is sucking every bit of life in me. finally deserve this rest. and chinese new year. it all still feels so surreal. like i just got out of a really bad dream, into this wonderful perfect bliss! :)

don't feel all too chinese new year-ish this year though. can one ever get bored of celebrating it? i feel like i already am. wonder how i'd be able to celebrate 70 years of that. then again who says i'd live till 70. haha.

back at home now. on my comfy couch. watching tv. surfing the net. ahh, what a wonderful treat to long, hard and tiring month. i'm lovin' it :)

and i plead

"i suppose it means that you meant a lot to me. and you still do. because i knew we shared that special something not too long ago. it just didn't work out as i had wanted it so badly to. and maybe you were the first person that i wanted to care so much for. that first person i wanted to give all my love to. it just didnt happen. i just want you to know that you will always mean something to me even when we've moved on. i will always have that place for you in me. i just don't understand how you can hurt me again and again and again. it does not make sense what you say. it's all contradicting. i don't know how you can tell me about how much you care for me and yet you have the heart to see me cry.

and so i plead, for you, to not break my heart again. once is more than enough. just don't. "

and we battle

this is it. tomorrow it all starts. i don't know if what i'm armed with is sufficient to keep me alive but i sure hope it is.

he said to me "pray, and have faith in God."

i will do that.

good luck everyone. even though i may not like you (with all honesty), but i'd love for all of us to graduate together next year. (gasp, yes)

good night world.

pray for us.

we pray

paediatrics down. obstetrics down. psychiatry down. orthopaedics down. end of postings exams down.

end of semester 7 dawning. semester 7 coming to an end soon.

i don't think i would ever have a life for now. i need to muster all the faith and courage i can get. and then channel it the right way. and NOT by facebooking, blogging, blog hopping, youtubing etc etc.

i will pass. i must pass. i need to pass.

Edinburgh awaits. semester 8 awaits. i will graduate with my batch.

so many things have happened since i last wrote in here. things have resolved abit. i guess it takes time.

more churches are getting attacked. suraus now. tell me about it. i won't be surprise if the Chinese people start to rage when our temples become victims of their foolishly vehement acts.

5 from chung ling high school passed away. i know i don't exactly know these people, but the fact that it's penang we're talking about is part of my concern. anything to do with penang is.

sigh.

feels like all i can do now is to pray everyday.

pray i pass eos 7.

pray my buddies pass eos 7.

pray my whole batch pass eos 7.

pray the boys rest in peace.

pray for a better place in this world.


i will see you in 2 weeks time. toodles.

come home

"come home, come home,
cause i've been waiting for you,
for so long, for so long,
right now there's a war between the vanities,
but all i see is you and me,
and the fight for you is all i've ever known,
so come home.."

brittle

"But i disappear into the person i love. i am the permeable membrane. if i love you, you can have everything. you can have my time, my devotion, my ass, my money, my family, my dog, my dog's money, my dog's time - everything. if i love you, i will carry for you all your pain, i will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word), i will protect you from your own insecurity, i will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and i will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. i will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, i will give you a sun check and a rain check. i will give you all this and more...."

The heart is the only broken instrument that works..

don't. just don't

new year's was less than ordinary. wasn't feeling well. flight delayed to an hour. so freakin tired after class. stomach upset. didn't even feel like putting on that make up for dinner at the hotel. so much for that.

new year's resolution: study harder. procrastination has to end some time soon. visit ireland, london and paris. eat my meals properly and take good care of my stomach. i always say that if i die it would be due to perforated gastric ulcers. i swear.

i don't know. i guess resolutions come along as the year progresses. shrugs.

last night was bad. made me doubt the decisions that i made. i don't usually regret making them. although it is my nature to complain and whine about why is this happening oh my god i shouldn't have done this, i don't usually regret.

should i now?

how do you pick up the old thread of that life when everything you thought you knew isn't exactly all that you know now?

just don't let me be the one. i've been there. and i don't like it. so don't. just don't.

crash and burn

it's funny how the week started so badly. last week i was all positive. positive about christmas. about home. about orthopaedics. about exams. like i keep telling myself i can do all these. i know i can. and i know i will. just somehow, things started to head for the worse.

i have never once felt like this in a long time coming. the last i ever felt this way was when i was in imu bukit jalil. and it wasn't very pleasant because i was crying all the time literally. i was crying before i go to sleep. crying before class starts. crying even during class. and i wished i hadn't set foot into medical school.

this is that one time after a very long while. i wished i didn't have to go back to where i was then ever again. all that working so hard at each step along the way feels like its falling apart at this very moment.

just the other day i was flying back to kl. the captain said that there were some technical errors and they had to fix it before we could take off. and when it did, i wished so badly it would come crashing down and burn. i don't know why. but i wished it were me on those everyday news that we see on television.

the movies!

i realized i haven't done a movie review in a long, long, LOOOOONNNGGG time. all i did was whine and complain about my horrifying life and all those that revolved around it. ok, and maybe at times i shriek for all the good things that has happened so far.

so anyways, life has been good so far. but not today. because i made sasha cry. and i almost got into a major accident on the highway yesterday. sighs. put those aside, and i had a lot of wonderful times the days before.

diwali night was fun. danced bhangra for the first time! i always say you need to have that bit of indian blood to do an indian dance. those hip shaking movesss!! seriously. haha. all that hard work and practice for hoursss! all paid off :)



and next week i have a christmas performance coming up. it never stops does it? the thing with all this is that i really enjoy doing them. i love performing. now that i think of it, maybe i should've gone into music instead. sighs. ok, i love medicine too. damn it.

michael jackson's "this is it" was really good i must say. if you're a mj fan, i'd say go for it! because i loved it. i'm not one of those huge, crazy, obsessed fan, but i love his music. and really, that's all that matters. it's weird to see people sitting down so still in the cinema here in penang when i'm like groovin and dancin to every song! people were starting to think that i may be a tad psychotic. but i don't care! i love it anyways. "the way you make me feel", "thriller", "man in the mirror", "black or white" were all really good! and there's so much more respect for him after seeing him in person like this. really. truly a pop icon, a music genius :)


and you can never expect me to miss out new moon, can you? LOL. new moon is just A-W-E-S-O-M-E! yeah, sundar and ho wai have no taste honestly. i mean sure, it looked as though bella's some two-timer, but i don't care lah! all that matters is edward. and bloody hell, taylor lautner (as someone put it, i forgot who) should remain shirtless ALL THE TIME! lol. when he took off his shirt, i swear any girls' hormones could've raged up and down! honestly, i wasn't very impressed with rob patt. he was just ok. kristen stewart was good. but taylor lautner did a really good job. i felt really depressed over all that issue between him and bella. so yeah. and of course the other veterans like charlie and carlisle are always good. you've gotta give chris weitz that credit for being so faithful to the book. script wise, it was better than the first. every important detail was in. loved it lah anyway!! :)


and oh! i am satisfied with my results. although i failed my paeds paper (totally saw it coming). i love obs and gyn even more now :) but i have to credit this to that pig i know. lol. thank you :) from the bottom of my heart. :)

ok, work time! totally wasted today. i shall stop whining. and start doing something productive. toodles!

lifted

i think i finally feel a lot lighter. less heavy. less burdened.

i didn't think i could ever do it. i didn't think i was ever brave enough to stand up for what i wanted, and what i believed in. and i never dared to stand up for the person i am.

but now i did it. and now i am a lot happier. less whiny. more fun :)

i won't always get it right the first time, as mich says it always. i need to fall before i know where i stand and what i want.

i hope i'm getting there too :)

anyways, there's this empty place in my heart again. sooi phing finally graduated. going back to penang. one less place to stay in kl. sigh. which means less time or none at all in kl. GASP! I WANNA DIE. i miss all the things we did back then when we first started out there. those crazy stuff. and all that shopping and eating and exploring. wished things would be that simple forever.

new moon's coming out tomorrow in malaysia! i hope i get to see it :) here in seremban! god damn it. they better play it or seremban can diieeeee!! growls.

i don't like psychiatry. NOT bcos i feel like i'm part of them. LOL. but because i keep trying to want them be normal. just give me the correct answer god damn it. but that's just the way they are. so i'm still trying to tune in to them :(

going home this thursday :) with pei. looking forward to it. but first, NEW MOOOONNN!!