i wished time would just stop right now. now, before i trip over and plunge into that god forsaken place.

i have chosen the profession that requires all of me. my heart, my soul, my time, and my entire life. it doesn't even matter that i don't have time for myself. but the truth is, i don't even have time for the people i love. my mum. my aunt. my cousins. my niece. my bestest of friends. it really is so difficult for them to get me to just talk and catch up. everyone says my mum calls me ten times in a day. that was once true. but now our conversations have been so scarce and so superficial that all she could ask me within that limited of time was if i had my lunch or dinner.

instead of caring for my loved ones, my life has been dedicated to serve someone else's loved ones.

i'm not hating them. i'm not mad at those who need my help. i'm just pissed and angry at myself. if only i had more than 24 hours in a day.

i miss being home. just with the people i love.

seriously, if none of you are tired of my emo posts, and my never ending woes and wails and cries for help.. well i am. jeez.. why am i such a dumb fuck.

this time, last year, you and i were in the UK.

boy do i miss it so much. the non scorching sun, the cold wind, beautiful blooming gorgeous flowers and green grass and the ancient buildings and friendly people.

and us. strolling aalong princes street. the meadows. catching a bus. never-ending weekend trips.

edinburgh wouldn't be the same without you.

i guess this is it, eh?

it didn't take you very long to forget me. didn't take you very long to get over me. and it didn't take you very long to stop trying.

from the names we used to call each other, to just a nod along the corridors, or our own formal names.

i guess i didn't make quite an impact on you. maybe i am just another ordinary person who's crossed ur paths. but that's really just all.

goodbye.

why did you have to wait till everything's too late?

why did you have to wait till there's no turning back to say the things i want to hear?

why didn't you fight to keep me? why didn't you treat me the way i deserved to be treated?

why did you have to break my heart again and again and reassure me now with things based on false pretenses?

why didn't you fight for me? fight for us?

it's so easy for me to fall back into what i once knew. so easy for me to fall back into you and believe as if nothing has happened. but i can't. because i know i'd be doing so much of injustice to myself. i don't deserve this. why now, when things have gone  out of hand so much, to a point beyond salvage? why only now when i have made up my mind?

i'm afraid. i am so, very afraid. of taking that leap forwards, away from you, away from us. i sat here, having dinner by myself, and i can't stop thinking of what we'd be eating now together, if we were still us. i just want to wallow in self pity. i'm afraid of leaving the things we've shared together, the times we spent just basking in our love, for now, they will only be a piece of memory left, seated deep within a corner of my mind.

" waiting for you is like waiting for rain in this drought, useless and disappointing "

why did you have to wait for the rain?

i wrote to you and i said, i don't know you anymore and that scares me.

it scares me because i thought i once knew you. what happened to the times that i had always known what you wanted, your thoughts, and what you were gonna do next. people change without them realising it, doesn't matter good or bad, you somehow, become a stranger to another. you may deny and put it to argue with your unfathomable opinions and thoughts. but i feel it. i feel the change.

i've never felt so much hurt and pain before. every thought of you, or at every mention of your name or face, i feel that stab, sunked deep into the core of my beating heart.

i need to get used to not hearing from you anymore, or waiting ror you to text, or call to ask what i feel like eating for dinners, or just you telling me what you were up to and asking how my day was. then again, its been ages, or so it seems, that we last did all that. i am getting there.

i asked myself hundreds and millions of times, if there was anything i could have done differently, or if there was any way i could've made you see me, hear me, or change the course of this relationship that has driven us both apart. and i realised that there was none. i have tried my best. i once gave up trying to change you a year and a half ago, but i came back because i wanted it to work so badly. but i guess, now i have to come to terms with the fact that you can't mix both tea and chocolate together. you and i will never come to a compromise. i believe in what i stand for and what i preach while you will forever be at the very end, clueless of who i am, what i am.

another 6 more weeks and we're going separate ways. i should've read this sign a long time ago. that you will never come home with me, that we will soon be far apart, drowned in our new social circle and the never-ending workload.

if we can't even make it now, i don't see how we can make it in the future.

i'm sure everyone's afraid of being lonely. i know i am. so are you.

i just didn't think that that would be the reason why you held me for so long and allowed me to drown into you like a hopeless victim of a shattered love.

two years of heartache and never-ending screams and cries in a feeble attempt to make you and i work. i just didn't want to take no for an answer. two years down the road, you and i happened. and then the idea of commitment got brutally murdered.

i have tried. i have given in everything i have and own. i wanted it so badly i was ready to give up my entire life for you. i guess i have finally come to accept that you and i were never meant to be. now noone, including myself, would ever blame me for not trying, for not putting up a fight, for not taking matters of fate into my hands. i did. for a long, long time.

they say you can never mend a broken heart. and its true. because you have ripped it all away from me, my heart, my mind, my soul and myself.

i just want to rest. finally.

if i only knew.

i would not have wasted two precious years of my life for you.

i'm done.

Does anybody know
How to hold my heart? 

if there's a way for me to let you go and forget all the things we've had and the memories we've shared, i would do anything for that.

if i could take back those 2 years.