December 31, 2010

we're done.

it's over.

if we don't belong here, then i'm sure we belong elsewhere.

somewhere in time.

we'd find that place for us.

December 27, 2010

positivity

i know i haven't been in here for a long long time. no, i haven't forgotten my faithful, old blogger. i think i still find it a lot easier to express what i feel in words here. tumblr seems to be a little more.... visual? :)

things are going up and down these days. with studies, him, and even the people around me.

it scares me to think that finals are in 6 weeks' time and i haven't started shit. and i am now doing my gynaecology posting it's not even funny at all. internal medicine came and go. was ok. minus the drama.

him and i. we're still at that. the good days are good. the bad days are bad. its always the same old cycle for us.

and the people around me? they scare me at times. my mum says the world is a stage. but i'm the poorest actor you can ever find. i would never make it to hollywood. it scares me how pretentious people can get when they so obviously dislike you and yet, still be able to fake a smile in front of you. it takes me a lot of effort to do that because i know i can't. i'm not at par. i am only me. and the more i do that, the more i start hating myself. not them, but me. so who to trust in the end? i always tell myself. that i don't need to have a lot of friends. it don't matter if half the class dislike me. as long as i know that there are a few out there whom i call my best of friends. they're the ones that keep me afloat. keep me alive. and if you're one of those people that i constantly am in touch with, then you know who you are :)

i miss how things were a lot simpler when you're young. if that stupid boy snatched my lollipop back when we were in kindergarten, i'd smack his butt and snatched it back and be friends again tomorrow like as if it never happened. why can't people stay that way all the time? why are we always influenced by the negativity of our surroundings? why can't we ever learn to forgive and forget?

i'm tired of playing the games people play. i just want to be me. i just want to take a step back, and live life. the way i want to.

please, will you let me?

December 4, 2010

diwali night came and go. i've never been busier this past week. ward work and classes taking up most of my days and night practices for the dance. loved it :)

the exam fever hasn't quite settled in yet. hence the daily routine of catching up with my tv series and youtubing and doing absolute complete nonsense here in my room. procrastination has taken over me. not like it hasn't been this way all along, in fact it's always been this way. shucks. i keep telling myself that it's 8 months to graduation. and 10 months to hell. afterall, housemanship IS hell. oh the thought of it.

things haven't quite gone the way i wanted it to. the past weeks were a torture to live in. i can't even begin telling the story of what how why when. but it just wasn't right. but it was always this question: AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH? not just for him. of course partly it was for him. but it was also me, as a friend. am i not good enough for my friends. am i not good enough for the people i love (or i thought who loved me back as well) ? why do i have to try so hard?

ho wai said i should write about happy, silly things here. because everyone seems to know what i would write about already. it's just him. and him. and him. and my life. even iiiii am getting bored of myself.

ohhh! hahaha! :) you'll love this. some of you who knows this other him. maya called me (cos she couldn't wait any longer) and told me about how he went for a hair loss program and became one of that company's testimonial figure. and it's all over midvalley's billboard!! ahahah. good lord. and surin couldn't wait to send me the link of the website and god was he FUGLY. i think i seriously need to pick my guys properly. geez. such a poser! who the hell would want to tell the world about how little hair he had?! and dude, you're a doctor HELLOOOOO?! ahhh but then again, how else would we get the chance to laugh and be happy about it? TERATOMA :D

anyways the reason why i blocked my blog here from everyone (who are NOT my friends) is because i think i've had enough of rumours going around. i just hate how people can interpret one single line that i've written here into something so hideous and totally uncalled for which is absolutely absurd and bollocks! seriously some people just need to learn to shut their fucking mouths up and stop speculating about what's going on with the other person's life. dude, if you want to know, ASK ME! duhhh. i mean ocassionally i don't even understand what i write here. so HOW CAN YOU BE ME?! freak. and another main reason why i decided to not let him read it is because it didn't make any difference to us. he just reads it and goes oh ok. "???" it's not like he understands how i feel or what's been happening actually. so it's irritating the hell out of me.

so if you can read this - then you're my friend ;)

i'm putting on weight! NOOOOOO :( i've started going to the gym with ho wai and joel. oklah, they go more than i do lah. but hahahh! it's because of the dance practices! ok i'll start again soon :D and yoga :) me loves. i need to be able to do my splits again!

i've just started my tumblr though. you can check it out if you'd like :) livelife-loud.tumblr.com :)