all that i'm worth

all that i'm worth is just that. maybe even none. nothing.

again and again he breaks my heart. and again. where does it stop. how much more do i have to endure. just when do they realise that i am just another ordinary human being.

maybe it's been me all along. maybe i should've handled things differently. maybe i should've looked at the bigger picture altogether. i allowed all of these to happen. and in the end i am the very sole person to be blamed.

i don't recall ever liking someone that much. i know i have so much to give. so much love to share. so much that i could give anything. and i am like that very person who would do anything and give everything when i love that someone. i don't know if he ever remembers all the things i have done. from the very first time i made him walk up and down to search for my missing handphone to making him food and then to all the things i shared. i don't know where i gave away too little that it wasn't enough for him that it doesn't matter what i did in the past for him anymore now. maybe my efforts were too insignificant hence it never got reciprocated because he never knew how much i wanted to care and give and to have him in my life. then it came crashing down.

until i found a short-lived bliss. which came crashing down all too soon again. i was the fool this time. the voices in my head keep telling me i should've known better. i should've been better. i should've deserved better. why couldn't i find that person who would fight for me till the end. why couldn't i have that one person that would want to see me happy. that would want the best for me. that would want me for who i am. forever doesn't exist. happily ever after doesn't too. he took away that last bit of hope in me. like candles that burn out all too soon.

and then here he is telling me he would always be there for me. complete lie. i am not that toy you can play around with. yes i am sorry i gave you one of the darkest moments in your life. i am sorry for the past and current misery you're in. yes, blame it on me. if that makes you feel better. if you don't want me, what are you doing with me? stop telling me how much you miss me. and how much you care. and how much you still want to. because you know you don't. and just stop breaking my heart again. enough. i don't want another reason to be crying every night. to have to wake up and start hating myself. hating the person i am becoming. hating every living breath in me. i should have no reason to hate myself.