my letter to Him

dear God,

i do not know what i did wrong to deserve this. i didn't ask for any of this, god. i only wanted to be invisible. but if trying my best and putting in everything that i have isn't enough, then i don't know what else i can do. if wanting what's best for everyone isn't the right thing to do, then will you please shed some light and help me find a way to make everyone happy. is it too much to ask for? it doesn't matter how i feel because i just want everyone to be happy. just happy.

but it's ok. i've learnt, for the past 21 years, that everything happens for a reason. i know You're great. i know there's a reason why You had to put me through all this. i know You're always with me. ed reminded me that when i almost lost all faith. he said You'll be there with me at every step of my way. and i know he's right. i know You won't ever abandon me :)

i'm having my exams this coming week. on wed and thurs. so God, please help me through this very trying and difficult time like you always do. please help me to ease it all. let me be able to answer most of the questions my lecturer asks of me. just most of it. not all. i am not really that greedy :D and also for my mcq paper! i only want to pass and make myself and mummy daddy proud :)

and god, if it's not too much to ask, will you please do the same for lumps, surin, kw, ho, pik, chicken and bo? they're my good buddies and i want all of us to be happily celebrating our results! :)

i also ask of this for everyone that i know. even if they don't like me or they couldn't careless about me, whether or not i'm dead or alive, because somehow, once upon a time, they were my friends :)

can you also help ed with his work? that poor boy is getting all those punches from his superiors and it's terrible. not getting enough of sleep, food and entertainment. geez, that boy needs to have a life ;) but thank you, god, for bringing such a good friend into my life :)

and oh! i can't ever leave my best friend mich out of this! she has an exam too this week. same as me! will you please help her in her exams too? keep her focused because that woman has all sorts of "distractions" going on there and she needs to concentrate (ok well so do i but haha). and please take good care of her in Galway. :)

and yes, just one more please! god, please help sooi who's going crazy over her final assignments, rushing for time! and make her stop eating! otherwise she's gonna complain to me that she's fat and she's gonna go on this absurd crash diet that i swear one day it's gonna consume her life :D

ok and finally, please god, keep mummy n daddy safe at home, till i come back this coming friday to see them :) i miss them already.

thank you so much god! :) you've been a pleasure to talk to really (i know i talk to myself too often a times too). will you please hold my hand?

with love,
mabs

i only want to be happy

i didn't think i would ever say this. BUT.

i think i really enjoyed my obs posting. i mean a lot of people have said that before. i just never thought i'd be feeling the same way about it too. if they hadn't give me a hard time, i think it would be a really, really good posting for me.

i really do enjoy my whole labour room week. because for once in my life, or in my entire med school life, i feel USEFUL. i feel like i could actually DO SOMETHING. like now i know how to deliver a placenta, how to examine it, how to examine a neonate, how to deliver a baby, how to perform female catheterization (it's really really easy and cool!) and i've done so many vaginal examinations although you need to pardon my extremely short fingers cos i was not congenitally born to be an obstetrician aherm. so yes, i've learnt so much from that 1 week that when it ended, i was almost depressed. and i have so many doctors to be thankful for. so thank you :)

sigh. all i really want, is to have this posting to end in a good way. i mean, to end in a favourable, likeable, happy way. because i was so depressed with how my favourite paeds posting ended. i just don't want that for this. i mean i'm trying really hard. i'm really giving it my best. although i still feel like i haven't grasped things really well yet, but i really am trying. when will it ever be enough, i don't know.

anyways, next week is exam week. i know that there's a reason for everything that has happened. just, please, God, be with me. i've never asked for anything much, but just this once, please let me be happy. do i not deserve every right to be?

Life Ain't Fair

we see movies. series. tv. novels. whatever. and we see karma.

its always about doing something good for others so people would always do the same for us.

its always about trying our best so we'd get the best possible result.

but how is it possible with me, that no matter how hard i try, no matter how much good i do, no matter how much effort i put in, no matter how much i try to believe in myself, no matter how quick i pick myself up from every fall, that i end up falling again.

how is it even possible, that i try harder than others, i put in so much more effort than others, that they don't even care about what they do, they don't even care about anything at all, that they always get the best out of everything.

and they always say life isn't fair. i chose to think otherwise because i thought some good may prevail as long as i put in all that i have in everything that i do.

they don't even need to try hard enough. they don't even put is as much effort as i do. so what difference does it make if i had pushed myself harder. that no matter how persistent and persevering i am, it always ends up the the same.

there is only so much one can take. there is only that much i can take. when is this ever going to stop.

Another Week, Another Weekend

i did my first placenta delivery today! :) and examined it myself :) with dr shirley. too bad dr edwin wasn't there otherwise i'm sure he'd be telling me about a lot of stuff. nonetheless, i did it :) that warm gush of blood that spilled onto my hands!! ooohh!! the placenta is really soft and slimey and gooey (as ho wai puts it). it feels really good to be able to do something. i think obs is the one posting where i have over 30 entries of procedures in my logbook :)

as much as a i love the weekends, there's this part of me that doesn't really quite like it. i mean there is absolutely no valid reason why one shouldn't like the weekend because that's when you rewind and relax and just chill. but. here in seremban, 80% of us leave this damned place for home because theirs is 45 mins away. while mine is 5 hours away. if i had all the money in the world, i would take the flight back every weekend. if only. it just feels really empty here when all is gone. like as if it isn't bad enough that i know seremban is really not exactly that lively, they all have to leave while i just envy everyone in silence and cry and wished i could so easily drive home every weekend too. this is the part when i miss mummy and daddy. and that place called home. if only it wasn't that far away. i think i am just that kind of person who never wants to feel lonely.

the whole week just went by in a snap. i've done so many things. seen so many things. seen my first caesarean section. and then a second for a breech presentation. REALLY COOL. she literally pulled the whole uterus out, together with the fallopian tubesss!! :S and i did my first female catheterization thanks to dr edwin :) and i assisted in a delivery. watched so many episiotomies being done. and repair of tears. sutures. setting of iv lines. observing amniotomy. epidural anaesthesia!! ALL IN A WEEK. very productive and happy. wished it didn't have to end :(

next week is hell. and so is the following week. i don't want to know. i'm scared. i just want to go home and escape all of these.

i wished i didn't have so much on my mind. i just wished i could concentrate on one thing. things just doesn't get any better.

if only i knew what i want. if only i knew what he wants.

i miss mich too. :(

EDINBURGHHH!!!!

OMG OMG OMG OMGOMOGMOGMGOMGOGMOGMGOMGOGMGOMO!!!!!

IM GOING TO EDINBURGH NEXT JULY!!! SO EXCITEDDDDD!!!

fuhhh! i finally got my letter :) i have never felt any more elated in my life! (ok other than finding out that the guy whom i like likes me back too but thats beside the point)

yes! i can't wait to go. i can't wait to book my flight and get my accomodation. i can't wait to get my visa done. i can't wait to see the world!!! :)

and yesss! i can't wait to go with him! :)

Mad

one word to describe the week.

one word to rule it all.

EXHAUSTED LAHHH!! (ok, that's 2 but whatever)

growls!

i've never been so lifeless honestly. last week was all work and no fun. getting up at 6 am. be in the ward by 630 am. on-call every night. from 7 to 11pm. clerking 7 patients per day. i feel so mechanical already.

my pimples keep springing up like like flowers in summer. rolls eyes. i am now embarrassed to even look up. its amazing what 4 fugly red bumps can do to your self-esteem.

i'm tired. i need to recuperate. breathe. and then learn how to live again.

and we've been doing good :) so far. *hearts* him :)

Too Tired To Try

i'm tired of lifting my hopes up high just to have it crumble down on me

i'm tired of wanting things so badly that i'm wasting my time just thinking about it

i'm tired of trying and trying only to end up being nowhere

i'm tired of keeping faith and then losing it all over again

i'm tired of having to pick myself up and look at the world around me again

i'm tired of trying to prove the things i want to prove only to let them see that i can't do it

i'm tired of crying

i'm tired of pushing

i'm tired of everything!