my happy ending

lams said to me,

"bo, i know you will find your happy ending".

i know i will too. i want to be that doctor, with a wonderful husband, juggling between her family and career. me and my husband getting married. me and him buying our first house, with that small little garden where we'll sip coffee and tea every weekend. me and him going on annual holidays cum honeymoon, just the two of us, celebrating our love for each other. me and him telling me every night and day that he loves me and how much he misses me and think of me. how i have made him complete. how we fight over the slightest things and then to realise that our love surpasses all that. and us, welcoming our child, and many more to come! how we'd argue over what's best for them. and then we'd grow old together and watching how fast our children grow and have a family of their own. how we'd both weep silently when they get married. he'd still hold my hands as we walk down the streets with wrinkles and that saggy eye-bag. how we'd watch the sun set together side by side. and look into each others' eyes, knowing that he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. kiss goodnight and forever awaiting the next of days that would be spent with him, and him alone. HE will be my happy ending..

butterfly fly away

you've finally said it. you've finally made it clear to me. that you cannot accept me for who i am. for all that has happened. because to you, in the end, it was my fault all along. you should've known better, that i was no good for you. that you have better ones out there, who were there to save you from my misery. i made you fall. i made you cry. i made you fall to your knees and believed a lie. the only thing was, i was in pain too. but you never did see it when i was with you. your harsh words stabbed me so deep it made me bleed. because you didn't understand at all what i was going through because it still is my fault, to you, everytime we talked this through. i don't need to be another burden anymore. i am tired to have to wait. i don't want to be that person you call on to fill only your empty spaces. and if you can't see me, i don't know when you ever will. maybe you won't. maybe i am too far. too far to comprehend. i can't even find the tears to cry anymore. the water seems to have ran dry. i only want you to care. i only want you to want things the way i want it too. but if you can't, by all means, i surrender. i release you from the responsibility you think you have on me. you can stop pretending to care. you can stop pretending to be there. if any of it makes you happier. i will pray for your happiness because i only want to see you with that, and nothing else.

cycle

 today morning was fine. prof really does know how to make my day brighter. haha. we all know how :) currently contemplating whether or not to be home for gp posting or to remain here. pros and cons? still can't figure them out :(

we saw this neurofibromatosis type 1 patient today! really awesome. spot diagnosis made by prof :) she's a genius i tell you. and she's really nice and motherly, despite how clownish she can be :D

anyways, today i emo :( i mean after class. sudden wave of blues. sigh. and i have this weirdly injected throat i must've got it from surin i swear to god. its been more than a week. although prof today did say it might take up to 3 weeks, but.... gahh! it's irritating. and it really is really red :(

i want my mummy :(

i want you to

... hold me close,
and never let me go ...

weird but ok

woke up dreading the day. what a great way to start the morning. research papers got submitted for the international medical education conference. ok, it is a huge thing. i mean at least ALL THE DEANS from the partner medical schools were there including our very own datos and datins. procrastinated all the way. sigh.

michelle says i have a big heart. i don't know. but i just hate being mad at people for long. especially at those whom you were once friends with. its a heavy burden to carry around. sigh. anyways, today was actually pretty ok. turned out not too bad. a little weird. but that's fine. i guess. i don't know if i'd ever be able to forget. but i hope things get better either way.

not that i'd think we'd win the competition, but they all had good praises for it. WHICH IS SUPER DUPER UBERRRRR WEIRRDDD! all a pile of lies. talk about ethics! rolls eyes. ok and it's not like we'd get 1000 cash prize. but a little recognition and ego boost would be good :D

what to do the weekend?

dear you

dear you,

i am not perfect. i get lazy,
sometimes my nails won't be done,
i wont always have my hair all nice,
i probably always want too much attention from you,
i won't be happy when you leave me,
i always start arguments just to see and to want to know that you care,
i'll have my days where i disappear from the world,
i'll have days where i will hate myself,
i'll probably get mad at things and hold them in until one day i blow up on you like i always do,
you'll probably think i'm the WEIRDEST GIRL IN THE WORLD,
when something's wrong i'll say nothing and you probably think i'm fine but i'm not,
down the road i'll probably have lied,
once or twice about something stupid,
or said something uncalled for,
but i do know, that i promise...
i'll make you the happiest man alive.

no strings

and they all hang there as if it were meant to be. how many more to go before it stops? where does it end? if they were to fly away, then why do they fly to you in the first place? and if strings were meant to be broken, why do we tie them together? only to have to hang them up, broken in pieces.

i'm doing good just so you know. maybe better. people are always running in pursuit of their own happiness. define happiness. i can't. mine isn't the same as yours. but i know what i want. i won't settle for less. i know i will get there someday. even if it meant cutting off loose strings that would only break in the end, sooner or later. my happiness is out there. and i will believe that i am reaching, finally, towards it.

letting go

“Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. In the end, only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you.”
— Paulo Coelho

you make me smile ♥

when..

.. you call me "princess"

.. you tuck me into bed at night

.. my fingers touch yours under the pillow

.. you ask me out for dinners

.. you tell me how pretty my dress is

.. you tell me that i look pretty even without glasses

.. you take my hand and place it in yours

.. you tell me that you love having me cook for you

.. you put your arms around me so i could sleep on it

.. you hold me close when the cold sets in

.. you kiss me on the forehead

.. you tell me i'm not fat

.. you make me laugh everytime i cry

.. you succumb to my mental tortures

.. we talk to each other over the phone when the world is fast asleep

.. we snuggle into each others' arms 

.. you come to my rescue 

.. i call you and immediately you're there

.. you tell me that you miss me 

.. you're always here for me

.. you tell me that you love me :) 

and it's all because of you.. ♥

:)

traces

Well they say that love is in the air, but never is it clear,
How to pull it close and make it stay
Butterflies are free to fly, and so they fly away
And I'm left to carry on and wonder why
Even through it all, I'm always on your side..

Ahh! :)

on a brighter note.

i know things have been really rocky for me. no one knows what this heart has gone through the past week. behind that strong, tough facade.

anyways, i said i would blog about something happy. something lighter than that of my dark, emo side.

singapore was fun! :) haha. ok so much for trying.

ok so yes, singapore was REALLLYYY FUN! :D no seriously. me. lams. kw. ho. vin. bo. chicken. :)

pictures say it all!

marina barrage was really beautiful. absolutely gorgeous! and all those attempts at taking jumping shots! haha.

the ho. the princess. lumpers. chicken. bo. ohh.

my tetanus posture :)

we thought the tiles were really pretty. haha. this is near bugis. where we stayed.


this is our hostel! abc backpackers hostel. thanks to koo ho wai who found it :) cheapooo! but the lady wasn't too friendly though. scold scold scold. tskkk!


stopped by at almost 10 malls. its crazy. all that walking. i swear i had plantar fascitis then. god. 2nd day was the zoo. not a big fan but it was probably the best zoo ever. better than taiping definitely. and then hit the clubs at 12am. guess what time we came back. 4 freakin am!! ok but it was really cool. zirca is the bomb. what i'd remember most about it was the fact that i stood dancing behind the pedestal-like bars. haha. no i was not drunk :) no pictures cos we were busy dancing!

3rd day we were just too exhausted. went to body worlds at the science centre. AWESOMENESSSSS! talk about anatomy. its amazing how they are able to show such well preserved muscles, ligaments, tendons, vessels, organs, everything!

by the time we hit home, our energy level decreased to zero. literally. just absolutely fun! :)

since uni started, things have gone really out of hand. i am better. at least i hope i am and i keep it that way. too tired of such nonsense already. but i will still hope. and have faith. because i truly believe that when that day comes, he and i will know it. he will fight for me. yes mich? :) love you for constantly being there for me. i would've died. school work is getting out of hand. haven't been studying at all. still lovin ortho. although its not like i'm super good at it.

my baby htc died out. so i'm sorry people if i haven't been replying any of the msgs or have been unreachable. trying to get it done. i miss having to call mummy anytime i want. sigh. maybe this is punishment for my last month's bill which went up to rm250. yes, kill me.

gah. i need to pick myself up again. i need to revamp myself. i need to wake up from a long long dream and start living reality. its already knocking at my feet. i will. i can do this. there's always a reason to everything that has happened. it made me grow. i learned. God wouldn't put me through this if He didn't know i would pull through and that this was for my own good. He loves me.

i will be happy. i know i will.

that fairytale

12th July 2009 : Today was a fairytale ♥

the fear

maybe it's the fear of losing you.

knowing you would always be there anytime i need a shoulder to cry on. anytime i need a hand to hold on to. anytime i feel like being myself.

you were always there. to look out for me.

i know.

but i am scared. afraid.

because as much as i want to lie, i can't keep pretending to know that you will always be.

you may not.

will always have you here. you and i know where that is.

all that i'm worth

all that i'm worth is just that. maybe even none. nothing.

again and again he breaks my heart. and again. where does it stop. how much more do i have to endure. just when do they realise that i am just another ordinary human being.

maybe it's been me all along. maybe i should've handled things differently. maybe i should've looked at the bigger picture altogether. i allowed all of these to happen. and in the end i am the very sole person to be blamed.

i don't recall ever liking someone that much. i know i have so much to give. so much love to share. so much that i could give anything. and i am like that very person who would do anything and give everything when i love that someone. i don't know if he ever remembers all the things i have done. from the very first time i made him walk up and down to search for my missing handphone to making him food and then to all the things i shared. i don't know where i gave away too little that it wasn't enough for him that it doesn't matter what i did in the past for him anymore now. maybe my efforts were too insignificant hence it never got reciprocated because he never knew how much i wanted to care and give and to have him in my life. then it came crashing down.

until i found a short-lived bliss. which came crashing down all too soon again. i was the fool this time. the voices in my head keep telling me i should've known better. i should've been better. i should've deserved better. why couldn't i find that person who would fight for me till the end. why couldn't i have that one person that would want to see me happy. that would want the best for me. that would want me for who i am. forever doesn't exist. happily ever after doesn't too. he took away that last bit of hope in me. like candles that burn out all too soon.

and then here he is telling me he would always be there for me. complete lie. i am not that toy you can play around with. yes i am sorry i gave you one of the darkest moments in your life. i am sorry for the past and current misery you're in. yes, blame it on me. if that makes you feel better. if you don't want me, what are you doing with me? stop telling me how much you miss me. and how much you care. and how much you still want to. because you know you don't. and just stop breaking my heart again. enough. i don't want another reason to be crying every night. to have to wake up and start hating myself. hating the person i am becoming. hating every living breath in me. i should have no reason to hate myself.