we're done.
it's over.
if we don't belong here, then i'm sure we belong elsewhere.
somewhere in time.
we'd find that place for us.
December 31, 2010
December 27, 2010
positivity
i know i haven't been in here for a long long time. no, i haven't forgotten my faithful, old blogger. i think i still find it a lot easier to express what i feel in words here. tumblr seems to be a little more.... visual? :)
things are going up and down these days. with studies, him, and even the people around me.
it scares me to think that finals are in 6 weeks' time and i haven't started shit. and i am now doing my gynaecology posting it's not even funny at all. internal medicine came and go. was ok. minus the drama.
him and i. we're still at that. the good days are good. the bad days are bad. its always the same old cycle for us.
and the people around me? they scare me at times. my mum says the world is a stage. but i'm the poorest actor you can ever find. i would never make it to hollywood. it scares me how pretentious people can get when they so obviously dislike you and yet, still be able to fake a smile in front of you. it takes me a lot of effort to do that because i know i can't. i'm not at par. i am only me. and the more i do that, the more i start hating myself. not them, but me. so who to trust in the end? i always tell myself. that i don't need to have a lot of friends. it don't matter if half the class dislike me. as long as i know that there are a few out there whom i call my best of friends. they're the ones that keep me afloat. keep me alive. and if you're one of those people that i constantly am in touch with, then you know who you are :)
i miss how things were a lot simpler when you're young. if that stupid boy snatched my lollipop back when we were in kindergarten, i'd smack his butt and snatched it back and be friends again tomorrow like as if it never happened. why can't people stay that way all the time? why are we always influenced by the negativity of our surroundings? why can't we ever learn to forgive and forget?
i'm tired of playing the games people play. i just want to be me. i just want to take a step back, and live life. the way i want to.
please, will you let me?
things are going up and down these days. with studies, him, and even the people around me.
it scares me to think that finals are in 6 weeks' time and i haven't started shit. and i am now doing my gynaecology posting it's not even funny at all. internal medicine came and go. was ok. minus the drama.
him and i. we're still at that. the good days are good. the bad days are bad. its always the same old cycle for us.
and the people around me? they scare me at times. my mum says the world is a stage. but i'm the poorest actor you can ever find. i would never make it to hollywood. it scares me how pretentious people can get when they so obviously dislike you and yet, still be able to fake a smile in front of you. it takes me a lot of effort to do that because i know i can't. i'm not at par. i am only me. and the more i do that, the more i start hating myself. not them, but me. so who to trust in the end? i always tell myself. that i don't need to have a lot of friends. it don't matter if half the class dislike me. as long as i know that there are a few out there whom i call my best of friends. they're the ones that keep me afloat. keep me alive. and if you're one of those people that i constantly am in touch with, then you know who you are :)
i miss how things were a lot simpler when you're young. if that stupid boy snatched my lollipop back when we were in kindergarten, i'd smack his butt and snatched it back and be friends again tomorrow like as if it never happened. why can't people stay that way all the time? why are we always influenced by the negativity of our surroundings? why can't we ever learn to forgive and forget?
i'm tired of playing the games people play. i just want to be me. i just want to take a step back, and live life. the way i want to.
please, will you let me?
December 4, 2010
diwali night came and go. i've never been busier this past week. ward work and classes taking up most of my days and night practices for the dance. loved it :)
the exam fever hasn't quite settled in yet. hence the daily routine of catching up with my tv series and youtubing and doing absolute complete nonsense here in my room. procrastination has taken over me. not like it hasn't been this way all along, in fact it's always been this way. shucks. i keep telling myself that it's 8 months to graduation. and 10 months to hell. afterall, housemanship IS hell. oh the thought of it.
things haven't quite gone the way i wanted it to. the past weeks were a torture to live in. i can't even begin telling the story of what how why when. but it just wasn't right. but it was always this question: AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH? not just for him. of course partly it was for him. but it was also me, as a friend. am i not good enough for my friends. am i not good enough for the people i love (or i thought who loved me back as well) ? why do i have to try so hard?
ho wai said i should write about happy, silly things here. because everyone seems to know what i would write about already. it's just him. and him. and him. and my life. even iiiii am getting bored of myself.
ohhh! hahaha! :) you'll love this. some of you who knows this other him. maya called me (cos she couldn't wait any longer) and told me about how he went for a hair loss program and became one of that company's testimonial figure. and it's all over midvalley's billboard!! ahahah. good lord. and surin couldn't wait to send me the link of the website and god was he FUGLY. i think i seriously need to pick my guys properly. geez. such a poser! who the hell would want to tell the world about how little hair he had?! and dude, you're a doctor HELLOOOOO?! ahhh but then again, how else would we get the chance to laugh and be happy about it? TERATOMA :D
anyways the reason why i blocked my blog here from everyone (who are NOT my friends) is because i think i've had enough of rumours going around. i just hate how people can interpret one single line that i've written here into something so hideous and totally uncalled for which is absolutely absurd and bollocks! seriously some people just need to learn to shut their fucking mouths up and stop speculating about what's going on with the other person's life. dude, if you want to know, ASK ME! duhhh. i mean ocassionally i don't even understand what i write here. so HOW CAN YOU BE ME?! freak. and another main reason why i decided to not let him read it is because it didn't make any difference to us. he just reads it and goes oh ok. "???" it's not like he understands how i feel or what's been happening actually. so it's irritating the hell out of me.
so if you can read this - then you're my friend ;)
i'm putting on weight! NOOOOOO :( i've started going to the gym with ho wai and joel. oklah, they go more than i do lah. but hahahh! it's because of the dance practices! ok i'll start again soon :D and yoga :) me loves. i need to be able to do my splits again!
i've just started my tumblr though. you can check it out if you'd like :) livelife-loud.tumblr.com :)
the exam fever hasn't quite settled in yet. hence the daily routine of catching up with my tv series and youtubing and doing absolute complete nonsense here in my room. procrastination has taken over me. not like it hasn't been this way all along, in fact it's always been this way. shucks. i keep telling myself that it's 8 months to graduation. and 10 months to hell. afterall, housemanship IS hell. oh the thought of it.
things haven't quite gone the way i wanted it to. the past weeks were a torture to live in. i can't even begin telling the story of what how why when. but it just wasn't right. but it was always this question: AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH? not just for him. of course partly it was for him. but it was also me, as a friend. am i not good enough for my friends. am i not good enough for the people i love (or i thought who loved me back as well) ? why do i have to try so hard?
ho wai said i should write about happy, silly things here. because everyone seems to know what i would write about already. it's just him. and him. and him. and my life. even iiiii am getting bored of myself.
ohhh! hahaha! :) you'll love this. some of you who knows this other him. maya called me (cos she couldn't wait any longer) and told me about how he went for a hair loss program and became one of that company's testimonial figure. and it's all over midvalley's billboard!! ahahah. good lord. and surin couldn't wait to send me the link of the website and god was he FUGLY. i think i seriously need to pick my guys properly. geez. such a poser! who the hell would want to tell the world about how little hair he had?! and dude, you're a doctor HELLOOOOO?! ahhh but then again, how else would we get the chance to laugh and be happy about it? TERATOMA :D
anyways the reason why i blocked my blog here from everyone (who are NOT my friends) is because i think i've had enough of rumours going around. i just hate how people can interpret one single line that i've written here into something so hideous and totally uncalled for which is absolutely absurd and bollocks! seriously some people just need to learn to shut their fucking mouths up and stop speculating about what's going on with the other person's life. dude, if you want to know, ASK ME! duhhh. i mean ocassionally i don't even understand what i write here. so HOW CAN YOU BE ME?! freak. and another main reason why i decided to not let him read it is because it didn't make any difference to us. he just reads it and goes oh ok. "???" it's not like he understands how i feel or what's been happening actually. so it's irritating the hell out of me.
so if you can read this - then you're my friend ;)
i'm putting on weight! NOOOOOO :( i've started going to the gym with ho wai and joel. oklah, they go more than i do lah. but hahahh! it's because of the dance practices! ok i'll start again soon :D and yoga :) me loves. i need to be able to do my splits again!
i've just started my tumblr though. you can check it out if you'd like :) livelife-loud.tumblr.com :)
November 23, 2010
am i not enough?
I gave you my heart.That’s all I give you. And if that’s not enough for you, I’m not enough for you.
November 21, 2010
say goodbye
If I seem distant
Baby I am
Words are like scissors in your hands
And there’s no script to follow
So I just close my eyes
That way it won’t hurt so much
When we say goodbye
I feel just like an actress
Up on the stage
I can’t believe
What I’m hearing myself say
And the porch light is my spotlight
So I play along with this life
That way it won’t hurt so much
When we say goodbye
Did you ever love me?
Does it even matter?
Did you even notice the whole world shatter?
I just want to hold you ‘til you know I’m sorry
But I just keep it all inside
That way it won’t hurt so much
When we say goodbye
My heart feels like a circus
It’s to much to take in
It’s hard to lose love
But you were my best friend
So I walk this high wire
Alone….tonight
That way it won’t hurt so much
When we say goodbye
Baby I am
Words are like scissors in your hands
And there’s no script to follow
So I just close my eyes
That way it won’t hurt so much
When we say goodbye
I feel just like an actress
Up on the stage
I can’t believe
What I’m hearing myself say
And the porch light is my spotlight
So I play along with this life
That way it won’t hurt so much
When we say goodbye
Did you ever love me?
Does it even matter?
Did you even notice the whole world shatter?
I just want to hold you ‘til you know I’m sorry
But I just keep it all inside
That way it won’t hurt so much
When we say goodbye
My heart feels like a circus
It’s to much to take in
It’s hard to lose love
But you were my best friend
So I walk this high wire
Alone….tonight
That way it won’t hurt so much
When we say goodbye
November 20, 2010
empty
now i do understand why, that it's become a habit. that before i go to bed at night, i need to read the horoscope for the next day.
it's just because i needed someone, or something, a sign, to tell me what to do. because i am clueless. because i am.... blank.
it's just because i needed someone, or something, a sign, to tell me what to do. because i am clueless. because i am.... blank.
November 19, 2010
though it may seem as if we've known each other for a substantial amount of time, i find you slipping away from the person i used to know. or at least i thought i knew.
maybe we weren't meant to break the walls down. maybe we were just meant to know each other between two spaces in time.
how is it so that you don't remember me for the things that i've done. for the things i've done for you. for us. and so, i ask myself everyday, every minute, why do you only remember me for the things that i have NOT done? and to make matters worse, you accuse me of things that i didn't do or say. is it not enough that you broke my heart once, twice, thrice and then every other minute that you now have to resort to throwing such nasty and false allegations at me time and time again? and then you frame me up, put me in that claustrophobic box where i can't breathe.
you didn't want me in the first place. you didn't want to commit. so then what do you want from me now? my heart has been aching since the first day you said we would never make it. and then i allow myself to hope and to dream and to keep the faith. but time and time again you shatter my heart as i left it at your doorstep over and over again.
i am utterly. disappointed. angry. frustrated. mad. i hate how every word you say shakes me up deep inside while i try so hard to hide it away from the world. i hate that i love you. i hate how they take you away. i hate how they insert thoughts in your head and make you turn away against me. it is, afterall, me against the world. but i know, that no matter how hard i try, we would probably never make it. i want to move on from you. i want to let go.
then maybe, someday, some time, we may find ourselves again, back at where we once knew each other..
maybe we weren't meant to break the walls down. maybe we were just meant to know each other between two spaces in time.
how is it so that you don't remember me for the things that i've done. for the things i've done for you. for us. and so, i ask myself everyday, every minute, why do you only remember me for the things that i have NOT done? and to make matters worse, you accuse me of things that i didn't do or say. is it not enough that you broke my heart once, twice, thrice and then every other minute that you now have to resort to throwing such nasty and false allegations at me time and time again? and then you frame me up, put me in that claustrophobic box where i can't breathe.
you didn't want me in the first place. you didn't want to commit. so then what do you want from me now? my heart has been aching since the first day you said we would never make it. and then i allow myself to hope and to dream and to keep the faith. but time and time again you shatter my heart as i left it at your doorstep over and over again.
i am utterly. disappointed. angry. frustrated. mad. i hate how every word you say shakes me up deep inside while i try so hard to hide it away from the world. i hate that i love you. i hate how they take you away. i hate how they insert thoughts in your head and make you turn away against me. it is, afterall, me against the world. but i know, that no matter how hard i try, we would probably never make it. i want to move on from you. i want to let go.
then maybe, someday, some time, we may find ourselves again, back at where we once knew each other..
November 17, 2010
stop
you don't have to understand me. you don't have to know me.
if it has to take you that long to know the person i truly am, then just don't. just give up.
but stop. stop accusing me for the things i didn't do. for the things i didn't say.
stop putting that dart through my heart.
if it has to take you that long to know the person i truly am, then just don't. just give up.
but stop. stop accusing me for the things i didn't do. for the things i didn't say.
stop putting that dart through my heart.
November 15, 2010
really, honestly, life has been quite uneventful thus far. hence the lack of updates. i don't even know what to write here. i mean part of me don't even know what the fuck i'm doing with my life.
anaes and radio posting started. anaes is uber awesomely fun! :) yes, another choice i would really consider in the near future. currently, it stands at paediatrics, surgery, anaesthesiology and ENT :) love being in the OR the whole day. being in scrubs. with air cond! no sweat :) me likes. and especially with anaes, i could bum the whole day sitting in the OR and just read a novel, play with my phone, dress up with killer heels all day. BESTTTT! heh.
its exactly 8 months to graduation. and 10 months to working as a house officer. kill me?
mum came and went back. one week gone. just like that. snap. hate it when she has to leave. takes me a lot of time and courage to pick myself back up again and to realise that i'm alone in this (sounds like some breakup but yes).
oh right! now i do remember what i have to write about :) the 3rd asia pacific gastroesophageal cancer conference (APGCC) ! :D totally loved it. it just further inspires me to be a surgeon :) all my favourite surgeons here were there. Mr Maha is an absolute gem. Dato is just.. god. and all other really nice people. it just leaves me wondering if i'd ever be that good. and if i'd ever make such a huge impact in my career that could change people's lives. of course, apart from all the "work" we did there, there was time for shopping at sunway pyramid, one U, and haha stealing freebies :) we're only malaysians..
Mr. Mahadevan, my favourite surgeon :)
i think i need to stop giving shits to what people do to annoy me, or what they say to get me down. because ultimately, i've only 8 months left here and then we're all going our separate ways (crossing my fingers and hope i don't get the same hospital as you suck ass people) and then you can do anything you want or die for all i care.
ok, very random but it's also part of what's been bothering me for the past weeks. so i hear shit. and i have to take the shit in. but who the fuck cares anymore.
oh well.. i really should get going. tumblr coming up soon, just need to get the background done. and learn some stuff abit before i completely transfer the thing. i do still love blogspot! :(
harry potter this wednesday! :D
i miss home. i always do. but so does everyone. and ps: it doesn't make me any more of a cry baby than you are. piss off!
anaes and radio posting started. anaes is uber awesomely fun! :) yes, another choice i would really consider in the near future. currently, it stands at paediatrics, surgery, anaesthesiology and ENT :) love being in the OR the whole day. being in scrubs. with air cond! no sweat :) me likes. and especially with anaes, i could bum the whole day sitting in the OR and just read a novel, play with my phone, dress up with killer heels all day. BESTTTT! heh.
its exactly 8 months to graduation. and 10 months to working as a house officer. kill me?
mum came and went back. one week gone. just like that. snap. hate it when she has to leave. takes me a lot of time and courage to pick myself back up again and to realise that i'm alone in this (sounds like some breakup but yes).
oh right! now i do remember what i have to write about :) the 3rd asia pacific gastroesophageal cancer conference (APGCC) ! :D totally loved it. it just further inspires me to be a surgeon :) all my favourite surgeons here were there. Mr Maha is an absolute gem. Dato is just.. god. and all other really nice people. it just leaves me wondering if i'd ever be that good. and if i'd ever make such a huge impact in my career that could change people's lives. of course, apart from all the "work" we did there, there was time for shopping at sunway pyramid, one U, and haha stealing freebies :) we're only malaysians..
i think i need to stop giving shits to what people do to annoy me, or what they say to get me down. because ultimately, i've only 8 months left here and then we're all going our separate ways (crossing my fingers and hope i don't get the same hospital as you suck ass people) and then you can do anything you want or die for all i care.
ok, very random but it's also part of what's been bothering me for the past weeks. so i hear shit. and i have to take the shit in. but who the fuck cares anymore.
oh well.. i really should get going. tumblr coming up soon, just need to get the background done. and learn some stuff abit before i completely transfer the thing. i do still love blogspot! :(
harry potter this wednesday! :D
i miss home. i always do. but so does everyone. and ps: it doesn't make me any more of a cry baby than you are. piss off!
November 1, 2010
October 31, 2010
masked
i need to wake up. and start realizing the harshness of the reality that i live in.
no. you don't deserve me. you don't deserve what i have to give. you don't deserve what i have to offer.
you, don't deserve to be my friend.
now would you please step aside?
October 30, 2010
my only exception ♥
october has been one of the most eventful month ever. the ups. and the downs. paeds exams finally ended. i've this extremely weird feeling about paeds since i started a month ago. i'm finding myself hating the subject. really. partly prolly because i started it out really rough and i just somehow didn't feel like i've grasped enough throughout the 4 weeks. looked like a complete idiot when prof asked me how does one get dengue when i happily and loudly answered female anopheles mosquitoe. great. he probably thinks i'm stupid. saq paper - completely stunned at how vague the questions were. and tuberculosis?! that is internal med lah please. grr.
the up side to all of that - is PARAMOREEE!♥
oh loves. absolutely. stunningly. utterly. amazing. awesome. incredible.
19th october 2010.
best awesome rock concert night ever! :) totally worth the amount i paid. which of course was the cheapest ticket but heck, we got to sit at the more expensive seats because noone checked. oh yes!
oh the start of the concert was amazing. all that screaming and shouting and shrieks. all that frenzy! it was crazeee! :D and to know that i was part of that !
they did most of my favourite songs. ignorance. that's what you get. brick by boring brick. WHEN IT RAINS! the only exception. crushcrushcrush!! and ended with misery business :) oh totally hearts!
hayley - she's just amazing. she's so absolutely talented and beautiful! she's like this tiny little figure jumping and prancing non-stop on the stage. it was so effortless. where the hell did she find that energy to do it for 2 hours?! its crazy. and the rest of the band - absolutely flawless. like they have this same routine where they do the head bangings with legs wide opened, all together! it was so cute.
i know i've been going on and on about this for ages now. and its all i ever want to talk about and carry a conversation about with others. like seriously. like oh, you speak paramore too?! omg! haha. and its all over my facebook. yes. and its part of another reason why i got depressed and totally refused to study and hate paeds more. like why the fuck am i doing medicine. i should quit and start a band myself and tour the world and see all the beautiful things there is. life just doesn't stop at medicine. pfft.
i lived and breathed paramore every second of my life since the concert. it was insane. i was pretty sure i was turning manic. oh wells, life goes on. i'm sure i'm still a rockstar despite doing medicine :D haha.
pa ra pa pa ra pa pa ra ! :) ♥
was extremely high the whole week and the following week! :) glad to hear that angelene and mun cheng was there too! :) ♥
the up side to all of that - is PARAMOREEE!♥
oh loves. absolutely. stunningly. utterly. amazing. awesome. incredible.
19th october 2010.
best awesome rock concert night ever! :) totally worth the amount i paid. which of course was the cheapest ticket but heck, we got to sit at the more expensive seats because noone checked. oh yes!
oh the start of the concert was amazing. all that screaming and shouting and shrieks. all that frenzy! it was crazeee! :D and to know that i was part of that !
they did most of my favourite songs. ignorance. that's what you get. brick by boring brick. WHEN IT RAINS! the only exception. crushcrushcrush!! and ended with misery business :) oh totally hearts!
hayley - she's just amazing. she's so absolutely talented and beautiful! she's like this tiny little figure jumping and prancing non-stop on the stage. it was so effortless. where the hell did she find that energy to do it for 2 hours?! its crazy. and the rest of the band - absolutely flawless. like they have this same routine where they do the head bangings with legs wide opened, all together! it was so cute.
i know i've been going on and on about this for ages now. and its all i ever want to talk about and carry a conversation about with others. like seriously. like oh, you speak paramore too?! omg! haha. and its all over my facebook. yes. and its part of another reason why i got depressed and totally refused to study and hate paeds more. like why the fuck am i doing medicine. i should quit and start a band myself and tour the world and see all the beautiful things there is. life just doesn't stop at medicine. pfft.
i lived and breathed paramore every second of my life since the concert. it was insane. i was pretty sure i was turning manic. oh wells, life goes on. i'm sure i'm still a rockstar despite doing medicine :D haha.
pa ra pa pa ra pa pa ra ! :) ♥
joel. ellice. maya. pei. ho wai. aaron
was extremely high the whole week and the following week! :) glad to hear that angelene and mun cheng was there too! :) ♥
October 27, 2010
because i know better
i looked through abir's tumblr. they're all filled with "i love you"s and "i will wait for you" and "i want us". and then i remember all the times i said that. here. and to you. and i realise that i've been so stupid all along. you never wanted "us". you only wanted "you". i want to tell her so badly that it won't ever work out. we would just be waiting for rain in a long and terrible drought.
i don't deserve any hope, do i? i just didn't think i would've mattered so much less, and in so short a time, to you. people move on, don't we?
i don't deserve any hope, do i? i just didn't think i would've mattered so much less, and in so short a time, to you. people move on, don't we?
October 23, 2010
October 21, 2010
coming soon
updates soon. not now. i will die if i don't start studying for my paeds soon. seriously.
PARAMORE ROCKKKKSSSS!
PARAMORE ROCKKKKSSSS!
October 17, 2010
loved :)
i came home for the weekends. i think i needed this break away from where we were. i was in such a big mess.
spent the few days at home just being with my mum and dad. my aunt. and my baby niece :) love her to bits although she did fart in my face. LOL.
i think i am a lot better now. i still do think about you. but i've come to terms with it. i am accepting it. time will tell the truth, i'm sure.
i thank god everyday for giving me this strength to move on. and for sending me his angels to help me through it all.
thank you ho wai, for always being there. taking me out and constantly reminding me that life doesn't just end here. and for buying me sammy the moose! :) i love you ho wai!
thank you hui li for calling me up and checking on me. i miss you so very very much! come home soon ok :) i love you more darling! kisses :D
thank you pau for always listening to me grumble and complain and cry over the phone. i know you have other, aherm, "things" to attend to, and i'm sorry i took up so much of your time. but thank you :)
thank you shaf for making me smile all the time. and for all that you've told me ( it was harsh, but it was the truth that i needed to hear). thank you for making me look forward to so many things. and for just being here. you know i love you shaf!
and of course my mum - who's undying love have been keeping me alive.
spent the few days at home just being with my mum and dad. my aunt. and my baby niece :) love her to bits although she did fart in my face. LOL.
i think i am a lot better now. i still do think about you. but i've come to terms with it. i am accepting it. time will tell the truth, i'm sure.
i thank god everyday for giving me this strength to move on. and for sending me his angels to help me through it all.
thank you ho wai, for always being there. taking me out and constantly reminding me that life doesn't just end here. and for buying me sammy the moose! :) i love you ho wai!
thank you hui li for calling me up and checking on me. i miss you so very very much! come home soon ok :) i love you more darling! kisses :D
thank you pau for always listening to me grumble and complain and cry over the phone. i know you have other, aherm, "things" to attend to, and i'm sorry i took up so much of your time. but thank you :)
thank you shaf for making me smile all the time. and for all that you've told me ( it was harsh, but it was the truth that i needed to hear). thank you for making me look forward to so many things. and for just being here. you know i love you shaf!
and of course my mum - who's undying love have been keeping me alive.
♥
October 14, 2010
October 13, 2010
i wake up every morning, thinking about all that we've said the past two weeks. and then i think about everything that we've said to each other since more than a year ago. all the promises you made to me. all the broken ones. you said you would never hurt me. you would never have the heart to. but you did it, no matter what.
i go to bed every night wishing i had the power to make things right. wishing i could've turned back time to where we could start over. wishing we could still pick up the pieces from where we last left behind and make it happen.
i fake a smile along the corridors when they walk by. i try so hard to talk to people, and pretend to be happy. to be ok. but the truth is, my heart is still shattered. and i can't seem to find a way to fix it back. i don't know how to do it without you.
i go to bed every night wishing i had the power to make things right. wishing i could've turned back time to where we could start over. wishing we could still pick up the pieces from where we last left behind and make it happen.
i fake a smile along the corridors when they walk by. i try so hard to talk to people, and pretend to be happy. to be ok. but the truth is, my heart is still shattered. and i can't seem to find a way to fix it back. i don't know how to do it without you.
i need you now
i thought about us last night. how you would hold me in your arms while we sleep the night away. i miss you too much. i wanted to call you so badly but i just couldn't pick up the phone. i wouldn't. my heart screams and is aching so bad. but my mind is telling me that i need to stop needing and wanting you.
you're so near and yet, so far.
"and i wonder if i ever crossed your mind,
for me it happens all the time,
it's a quarter after one,
i'm a little drunk and i need you now,
said i wouldn't call but i lost all control and i need you now,
and i don't know how i can do without,
i just need you now"
you're so near and yet, so far.
"and i wonder if i ever crossed your mind,
for me it happens all the time,
it's a quarter after one,
i'm a little drunk and i need you now,
said i wouldn't call but i lost all control and i need you now,
and i don't know how i can do without,
i just need you now"
October 12, 2010
October 10, 2010
questions
it's starting to sink in. really. i thank god for making each day a little more bearable for me. and i thank Him for all the people he sends to me every step of my way.
i need to stop. i will.
ps: i'm sorry my readers will have to bear with all these emotional thoughts at its random. it is, afterall, my only way to salvage my sanity.
broken
i'm falling apart. i'm barely breathing. with a broken heart. that's still beating. in the pain, there is healing. in your name, i find meaning.
October 9, 2010
watched your dreams like falling stars
I will show you love like you've never loved before
I will go the distance and back for more if you just say the word
You will come alive again and call the trying times your friend
The pain that you have suffered through will never get the best of you
You will hope in something real that won't depend on how you feel
When you call my name then I will answer, answer
I am on your side though the wind and waves beat against your faith
You were on my mind when the world was made
Trust in me my child, Trust in me my child
Walk out on the water where you have no control
So scared to death of failure you sacrifice your soul, please let that go
You have climbed an uphill road, You have worn a heavy load
You have cried through endless nights and nearly given up the fight
Watched your dreams like falling stars the heartaches made you who you are
Now looking back you see that I have always been there
Where you gonna hide? Where you gonna hide from Me?
Where you gonna go? Where you gonna go that I can't see?
I have heard you cry and it breaks my heart for I love you so
I would never lie, this is not the end there is still a hope
October 8, 2010
i pray
i've never looked to god any more than i do these few days. day 3 without you and i've knelt before god too many a time. i asked for him to give me the strength to get on with life. to give me the courage to live without you. and then i question god. i asked him why he had to put me through all these if he knew it would only end this way and tear me into pieces. i asked why couldn't he made you love me and want me more.
i remember how everytime you touched me, i felt alive. but today, when you did, it only crushed my broken heart ever more.
day 3 - i'm empty.
i remember how everytime you touched me, i felt alive. but today, when you did, it only crushed my broken heart ever more.
day 3 - i'm empty.
strangers
we don't say good nights anymore. we don't say i love you anymore. we don't call each other names anymore. we don't say how much we miss each other anymore.
i suppose we don't have to from now on. you and i make the perfect strangers.
i suppose we don't have to from now on. you and i make the perfect strangers.
October 7, 2010
ain't enough
i want to kiss you like how we kissed the first time.
i want you to hold me like how you always do.
i want to lay beside you and hear your heart beat close to mine.
i want you to pull me close like how you always do when we sleep at night.
i want to talk to you and fall asleep in your arms.
i want to hold your hand and have you kiss me on my forehead.
i want you to tell me you love me like the first time you said it.
i'm probably the world's most affectionate creature. i want to kiss you all the time. i want to stroll anywhere on earth with you holding your hands. i want to tell you how much i love you every minute. i want to shower my love every moment like as if i can't contain it no more.
but love isn't everything, is it? no.
i want you to hold me like how you always do.
i want to lay beside you and hear your heart beat close to mine.
i want you to pull me close like how you always do when we sleep at night.
i want to talk to you and fall asleep in your arms.
i want to hold your hand and have you kiss me on my forehead.
i want you to tell me you love me like the first time you said it.
i'm probably the world's most affectionate creature. i want to kiss you all the time. i want to stroll anywhere on earth with you holding your hands. i want to tell you how much i love you every minute. i want to shower my love every moment like as if i can't contain it no more.
but love isn't everything, is it? no.
annihilation
i am my own weapon of self destruction. i don't know why i do it. i don't know why i try so hard to make you hate me. the things that i say. the things that i do. they only seem to cut our wound deeper. but the truth is, i end up hurting myself even more. even i don't get me.
i always thought love was enough to make us work. apparently it wasn't. or. you just didn't love me enough to want me as much as i want you.
i push you away. i can't stand the sight of you. i can't stand being near you. because all i would ever think of is how we could be, perfect. and so i leave. i tear you apart. i tear me apart. and then i destroy you. me. us. because i don't know how to live a life without you in it.
day 2. i died.
i always thought love was enough to make us work. apparently it wasn't. or. you just didn't love me enough to want me as much as i want you.
i push you away. i can't stand the sight of you. i can't stand being near you. because all i would ever think of is how we could be, perfect. and so i leave. i tear you apart. i tear me apart. and then i destroy you. me. us. because i don't know how to live a life without you in it.
day 2. i died.
October 6, 2010
this is pathetic isn't it. it feels as if i have noone to talk to and to cry to. writing, seems like the only way i can relieve myself from this aching endless pain that is killing me silently.
no, i do have friends. and i know they'd be willing to spend eternity telling me what's the best thing to do and to comfort me and tell me that everything will be ok along the way. it's just that i'm getting tired of myself. because i don't listen to anyone. i drown myself with my own thoughts and convince myself that basking in my own misery and sadness is the only way i could ever live again.
i do. i do that to myself all the time. all i want to do is to play sad love songs on my radio. watch sappy movies. lay on the bed and think of you. most of all, i just want to cry everyday. and feel sorry for myself.
its suicidal. i know. but its the only way for me to live, at least for now.
no, i do have friends. and i know they'd be willing to spend eternity telling me what's the best thing to do and to comfort me and tell me that everything will be ok along the way. it's just that i'm getting tired of myself. because i don't listen to anyone. i drown myself with my own thoughts and convince myself that basking in my own misery and sadness is the only way i could ever live again.
i do. i do that to myself all the time. all i want to do is to play sad love songs on my radio. watch sappy movies. lay on the bed and think of you. most of all, i just want to cry everyday. and feel sorry for myself.
its suicidal. i know. but its the only way for me to live, at least for now.
safe
Doesn't even matter to you
To see what I can see
I'm crawling on the floor to reach you
I'm a wreck you see
When you're far from home now
Makes it hard to believe
So how am i supposed to live my life like the dream i have is real.
Why won't you want to keep me safe?
To see what I can see
I'm crawling on the floor to reach you
I'm a wreck you see
When you're far from home now
Makes it hard to believe
So how am i supposed to live my life like the dream i have is real.
Why won't you want to keep me safe?
it begins
14 months and 3 weeks.
i say things to comfort people. i tell them the right things to do. the logical, radical thing to do. but i can't tell myself that. because none of my principles would ever apply to myself.
last night i slept well. i thought i wouldn't. but that's only because my eyes couldn't stop tearing. and i drifted into a sea of memories of you and me. those happy, loved ones. and then i fell asleep. because i was safe.
i miss you already.
day 1 has only just begun.
i say things to comfort people. i tell them the right things to do. the logical, radical thing to do. but i can't tell myself that. because none of my principles would ever apply to myself.
last night i slept well. i thought i wouldn't. but that's only because my eyes couldn't stop tearing. and i drifted into a sea of memories of you and me. those happy, loved ones. and then i fell asleep. because i was safe.
i miss you already.
day 1 has only just begun.
October 5, 2010
sealed
mine has always been broken. short lived happiness which only ends in tears. i quit giving myself excuses in your defense. i quit fixing my broken heart time and time again only to have it crushed with my own bare hands.
you love me. and i love you. and a line drawn between those two. the only reason we still hold on to each other is because we want to stay afloat from the grieving waters that we're afraid will drown and pull us down. but the truth is, we hurt each other even more when we're together and yet we find solitude in that pleasure.
maybe this is what's best for us. back to being just friends. you. and me. even though it may seem hard to let go now. even though life seems impossible without you. but i know in the long run, you and i will be a lot happier. it would only end this way. sooner or later.
edinburgh and all the other places we visited together wouldn't be the same without you here with me. i'm grateful for having shared that piece of beautiful memory with you in it.
so let me love you. and miss you. and think of you all the time. and what's more, give me that time to be away from you. let me let go of you.
love always,
your princess♥
October 3, 2010
ahhh, life :)
ended surgery with having dato taking me for exams :) which turned out ok and not so ok. i just want to pass.
project 'kl and have fun' for 2 days in a row! so completely and utterly exhausted after that. but im glad i did it with you guys :) hearts!
the gig at the actors studio was fantabulous! totally my kind of thing :) i mean who can resist cute guys singing and strumming my heart away with the guitar? haha. and a really gorgeous beautiful girl as well. man, i wished i could play like her. ahhh!
delicious has always been awesome. more so with great company. and i had them. priceless :)
and then, what?!!! murni at ss2?! sighs.
haha. totally love my weekend. best weekend in seremban to date! :D
project 'kl and have fun' for 2 days in a row! so completely and utterly exhausted after that. but im glad i did it with you guys :) hearts!
the gig at the actors studio was fantabulous! totally my kind of thing :) i mean who can resist cute guys singing and strumming my heart away with the guitar? haha. and a really gorgeous beautiful girl as well. man, i wished i could play like her. ahhh!
delicious has always been awesome. more so with great company. and i had them. priceless :)
haha. totally love my weekend. best weekend in seremban to date! :D
September 29, 2010
and i run
no matter how hard i try, i don't know if i'll ever be as good.
hard work - does that really suffice?
i'm tired. sick. end it right now.
September 22, 2010
in the end, i would only have myself.
you, you, you and you lot can stop screwing my life up.
i never understood how some people can just take but not give back. how people can be so inconsiderate and selfish.
why am i the only person who has to attend and care for everyone else's feelings when no one considers mine in return. i feel stoooopid.
am i the only person who had to go for moral classes back in school? am i the only person who has parents who taught me how to be a better person in life.
gee u guys, go get a life. talk about being educated.
you, you, you and you lot can stop screwing my life up.
i never understood how some people can just take but not give back. how people can be so inconsiderate and selfish.
why am i the only person who has to attend and care for everyone else's feelings when no one considers mine in return. i feel stoooopid.
am i the only person who had to go for moral classes back in school? am i the only person who has parents who taught me how to be a better person in life.
gee u guys, go get a life. talk about being educated.
September 21, 2010
oh yeah :)
finally something to look forward to :) apart from home that is.
yay to the ho and the chicken and i for going to PARAMORE!
very. very. very. VERYYYY. excited.
3 weeks to rockin' the house down! ho. ho. ho. :D
you know you love me. ♥
yay to the ho and the chicken and i for going to PARAMORE!
very. very. very. VERYYYY. excited.
3 weeks to rockin' the house down! ho. ho. ho. :D
you know you love me. ♥
September 9, 2010
hanging by a moment
the ride has been rough. tough.
i don't know how long it will take for me to realise that no matter how hard i try, things will always remain the same.
you are you. and i am me.
no matter how much we compromise for each other, we just keep going in circles.
i don't understand why. maybe i just don't want to understand why. maybe i already do. maybe i am just afraid to admit it.
i look at that picture of you and me.
and then i look at the picture of others being in love.
next i ask myself why don't i have that. why can't i have that. that feeling of belonging to someone. that feeling of having him fight for you.
it doesn't matter how many times i've said it. because you don't ever and will never ever ever understand.
am i not good enough for you. am i not good enough to deserve that happiness that they have. when will you ever know. when will you ever learn. when will you ever care. when will you ever ever really understand.
i know you've been here. i know you've stood by me. i know everything that you have done. but it's not the huge matters that matter. it's the little things i want from you. it's that little an effort you have to make. all i want is just that. you. and that place in your heart.
i'm only hanging by a moment here with you. look at me. see me. feel me. be me. and then i hope that one day you'll see the big picture behind the aching me.
i don't know how long it will take for me to realise that no matter how hard i try, things will always remain the same.
you are you. and i am me.
no matter how much we compromise for each other, we just keep going in circles.
i don't understand why. maybe i just don't want to understand why. maybe i already do. maybe i am just afraid to admit it.
i look at that picture of you and me.
and then i look at the picture of others being in love.
next i ask myself why don't i have that. why can't i have that. that feeling of belonging to someone. that feeling of having him fight for you.
it doesn't matter how many times i've said it. because you don't ever and will never ever ever understand.
am i not good enough for you. am i not good enough to deserve that happiness that they have. when will you ever know. when will you ever learn. when will you ever care. when will you ever ever really understand.
i know you've been here. i know you've stood by me. i know everything that you have done. but it's not the huge matters that matter. it's the little things i want from you. it's that little an effort you have to make. all i want is just that. you. and that place in your heart.
i'm only hanging by a moment here with you. look at me. see me. feel me. be me. and then i hope that one day you'll see the big picture behind the aching me.
surgical madness
nothing feels better than to be here at home.
especially after one week of being in dato's ward. PHEW.
waking up to the sound of my alarm at 5.45am everyday for the past week, roaming around the wards in a zombie-ish manner, clerking every patient there is, looking at the watch anticipating for him to come (he's always there by 7.30am PFFTTT) and embracing ourselves for some kick in the ass.
and then hit the wards again by 7.30pm.
WHERE IS THE LIFE??!! gahhh.
i mean i know here i am complaining every minute of the day about how exhausting all these are, but then again, i've learnt so much in this past one week. i understand what's happening to the patients more now. like why they're given this and that, why these investigations are done. i feel, aherm, slightly, just slightly, less stupid. LOL.
and i really am enjoying surgery. like honestly. obs and gynae is definitely my all time favourite but i don't think i'd consider specializing in it? but surgery. sigh. surgery. paeds. surgery. paeds. i like how surgery is a lot more straight forward. less thinking. no need for super smart intellectual brains. if there's a lump, cut it off! and it really is quite cool :) then again, i really do like paeds. sigh.
anyways, one week of dato's ward is down. two more coming soon. but after this break :)
especially after one week of being in dato's ward. PHEW.
waking up to the sound of my alarm at 5.45am everyday for the past week, roaming around the wards in a zombie-ish manner, clerking every patient there is, looking at the watch anticipating for him to come (he's always there by 7.30am PFFTTT) and embracing ourselves for some kick in the ass.
and then hit the wards again by 7.30pm.
WHERE IS THE LIFE??!! gahhh.
i mean i know here i am complaining every minute of the day about how exhausting all these are, but then again, i've learnt so much in this past one week. i understand what's happening to the patients more now. like why they're given this and that, why these investigations are done. i feel, aherm, slightly, just slightly, less stupid. LOL.
and i really am enjoying surgery. like honestly. obs and gynae is definitely my all time favourite but i don't think i'd consider specializing in it? but surgery. sigh. surgery. paeds. surgery. paeds. i like how surgery is a lot more straight forward. less thinking. no need for super smart intellectual brains. if there's a lump, cut it off! and it really is quite cool :) then again, i really do like paeds. sigh.
anyways, one week of dato's ward is down. two more coming soon. but after this break :)
September 4, 2010
knock me down
i don't know how i can put myself out there. and let you walk all over me. you squeezed. you drained. you stomped. you sucked every living breath out of me.
the amazing thing is i allow all of that to happen.
because i'm afraid.
but it's weird.
because i don't know what i'm afraid of losing.
funny.
funny how i can put myself back together into one piece. as if nothing has happened.
again and again.
and then you shatter me to the ground. break me into pieces.
and then i put myself back again.
for you.
they say it's difficult to mend a broken heart.
mine is dead.
the amazing thing is i allow all of that to happen.
because i'm afraid.
but it's weird.
because i don't know what i'm afraid of losing.
funny.
funny how i can put myself back together into one piece. as if nothing has happened.
again and again.
and then you shatter me to the ground. break me into pieces.
and then i put myself back again.
for you.
they say it's difficult to mend a broken heart.
mine is dead.
September 1, 2010
heartless
my short-term bliss ended. and now i'm thrown back here again.
i remember reading eat pray love not too long ago. there was this chapter in india where she wrote
Of course, for most of us this state passes as fast as it came. it's almost like you're shown your inner perfection as a tease and then you tumble back to reality very quickly, collapsing into a heap upon all your worries and desires once again. we search for happiness everywhere, but we are like Tolstoy's fabled beggar who spent his life sitting on a pot of gold, begging for pennis from every passerby, unaware that his fortune was right under him the whole time. your treasure, your perfection is within you already.
i don't know why i feel like i'm never satisfied. or more like why am i always feeling like i'm searching for something more. like how isn't there supposed to be more than this to life? so if i'm not happy doing this, then do something else. but the problem is, i don't even know what i want. its just funny.
first day of class. first day of semester 9. first day of my final year as a medical student. great. more more more heaps heaps heaps of reponsibilities! nice. people expecting the world out of you. i'm supposed to know more than the universe can provide. great. and then so much of work! like i'm superhuman. superwoman. but i'm only that much. only this much. and then to make things worst. being away from home. it hasn't really quite settled after all these years. i do enjoy my freedom and independence here. and to be honest, i'm glad i had these years being away (well not really awayyyyyyy but away). its taught me so much. a lot. but maybe i'm getting tired of it. very.
i want to find my way. i want to find my place in this world.
i remember reading eat pray love not too long ago. there was this chapter in india where she wrote
Of course, for most of us this state passes as fast as it came. it's almost like you're shown your inner perfection as a tease and then you tumble back to reality very quickly, collapsing into a heap upon all your worries and desires once again. we search for happiness everywhere, but we are like Tolstoy's fabled beggar who spent his life sitting on a pot of gold, begging for pennis from every passerby, unaware that his fortune was right under him the whole time. your treasure, your perfection is within you already.
i don't know why i feel like i'm never satisfied. or more like why am i always feeling like i'm searching for something more. like how isn't there supposed to be more than this to life? so if i'm not happy doing this, then do something else. but the problem is, i don't even know what i want. its just funny.
first day of class. first day of semester 9. first day of my final year as a medical student. great. more more more heaps heaps heaps of reponsibilities! nice. people expecting the world out of you. i'm supposed to know more than the universe can provide. great. and then so much of work! like i'm superhuman. superwoman. but i'm only that much. only this much. and then to make things worst. being away from home. it hasn't really quite settled after all these years. i do enjoy my freedom and independence here. and to be honest, i'm glad i had these years being away (well not really awayyyyyyy but away). its taught me so much. a lot. but maybe i'm getting tired of it. very.
i want to find my way. i want to find my place in this world.
August 9, 2010
hello england!
good morning, london! :)
how i wish i was back there. that buzzing, amazingly, awesomely magnificent city! i know a number of people who don't quite fancy london, but i honestly do quite like it. so much of life every minute of the day as compared to edinburgh. really. the first time i went to london was when i had to go to the malaysian embassy for you-know-why, so obviously the beauty of that place initially, were all masked by my desperation to get my things sorted out and my impenetrable urge to leave this god forsaken country.
so my proper visit to london was with mum when she arrived in the uk. the train ride was good. trains here are NOTHING like those at home. seats are comfortable (or at least a lot better than our poor ktm) and the scenery is just awesome. the countryside is such a tranquil and beautiful place to live in. those sheeps, cows and goats and fields of wheat, green grass, flowers everywhere! i don't think i can ever get that picture out of my memory even though i do have short term memory loss. but nothing, beats that kind of beauty :)
one of the things that i really like about uk is how efficient the public transport system is. ok, apart from the whole NHS system. it's just amazing how buses operate so frequently, with exceptionally perfect timing, no delays (maybe a few seconds or a minute or so, but who the heck cares?!) and it's just so disable friendly! i like :D and of course, needless to say, the underground tube stations are ze best although they can get quite jam packed at certain times of the day (or maybe like everyday haha)!
shopping in london is MADNESS! oxford street and regent street is psychotically money sucking. massive topshop buildings, banana republic the price of our padini (it's almost RIDICULOUS!), zara, next, clarks, H&M, dorothy perkins, bershka, urban outfitters, sportsdirect.com - it's insanity at its max! i mean the amount of things that i could buy if i were a millionaire! even after conversion, it's a lottttt cheaper than the exact same ones here at home. i, proudly, bought myself everything that i can wear from my head, down to my feet. hairbands, cosmetics, tops, belts, jeans, shoes and shoes. oh, and a handbag. haha. afterall, i'm only a girl - with, hopefully, a bit of fashion sense. haha. :)
but of course, my favourite moments here in london, would have to be watching the Phantom of the Opera, Wicked, and the Bolshoi Ballet at the Royal Opera House. there is no musical production in the world that beats my beloved phantom. it's just stunning. and wicked, went in with absolute zero expectations, came out feeling exceptionally pleased and satisfied. makes me feel like defying gravity as well! :) and oh my god, the bolshoi ballet was in 3 acts - petrushka, russian seasons and paquita. those pointes, that graceful poise with flawless technique and perfect expression and pretty little costumes and tutus. it was exceptionally breath taking and very, very impressive. i could spend all my life watching musicals i swear.
me and mum stayed for a brief 3 nights at the malaysian hall. cheap, and i'm not complaining because what you give is what you get really. and waking up to the smell of nasi lemak, mmmmm :) then again, some certain malaysians ought to learn to be a tad more polite and courteous. and be nice. and friendly. and a lot more approachable. seriously, the guy at the malaysian high commissioner needs to stop facebooking and checking some girl out, plus smoking in an air-conditioned room. and just because i'm not malay, or just because your ranks are higher than mine and that you drive a super duper uber macho sports car and live in london luxuriously, doesn't mean you can be rude and intimidating. now that ain't very nice. whoever says malaysians are friendly. bite my ass.
apart from london, mum and i went to bath, oxford, stratford upon avon and windermere. he and i went to nottingham and manchester. bath is just really beautiful. it's almost like rome literally. so old, yet so bold. we went to oxford only to see christchurch college where harry potter was filmed and to the university of oxford. i swear i felt daniel radcliffe on where i stood in the picture. hahaha! and stratford upon avon is where shakespeare was born. windermere is a must go! the clear waters of the lake and those little ducklings, swans, and birds all over. it's just phenomenal. thank god for a perfectly fine weather! nottingham was merely to visit our friends. teck jian, danis, edwina. and others. nottingham hospitality service (NHS) at its best! missing your cupcakes edwina :) and your early morning breakfast teck jian! and your car, danis the menace! manchester was awesome! thank you swee leen for bringing me around in such a short time. and for a really good thai food!! :D old trafford is just crazy! i can definitely feel the players all around me. oh, how ecstatic!!!
and i must say, my stay in london wouldn't have been planned more perfectly if not for my aunt and peter. aww, i love you both :) although your house at this very moment, really, literally, looks like a dump site (ok, it's a renovation site haha), but i enjoyed every minute at your place. i'm sure mum did too. don't we all just love the fact that her legs tremble when she goes up that ladder? haha. it's hilarious. thank you for those dinners (oh lord that steak and noodles and fried rice and truffleeeeeeee!), late night rides to see the city, free audio guided tours (haha did i mention that a lot of the tourist spots here offer audio guided tours?) and information on how to get some of the best deals. and those chocolates you bought me, nuts, hobnobsss! thank you sei yi for everything. EVERYTHING. i promise we'll have our dessert when you come home. can't wait to see you again!
sigh. i miss london even more now. i miss the uk. i've been back for 6 days. but the excitement still hasn't quite settle down. i want to be there. everything in malaysia suddenly doesn't seem quite right. except for the food, yes :) oh wells, i'll work on that. pictures?
it's time to try defying gravity. i think i'll try defying gravity, kiss me goodbye, i'm defying gravity, and you won't bring me down!
so my proper visit to london was with mum when she arrived in the uk. the train ride was good. trains here are NOTHING like those at home. seats are comfortable (or at least a lot better than our poor ktm) and the scenery is just awesome. the countryside is such a tranquil and beautiful place to live in. those sheeps, cows and goats and fields of wheat, green grass, flowers everywhere! i don't think i can ever get that picture out of my memory even though i do have short term memory loss. but nothing, beats that kind of beauty :)
one of the things that i really like about uk is how efficient the public transport system is. ok, apart from the whole NHS system. it's just amazing how buses operate so frequently, with exceptionally perfect timing, no delays (maybe a few seconds or a minute or so, but who the heck cares?!) and it's just so disable friendly! i like :D and of course, needless to say, the underground tube stations are ze best although they can get quite jam packed at certain times of the day (or maybe like everyday haha)!
shopping in london is MADNESS! oxford street and regent street is psychotically money sucking. massive topshop buildings, banana republic the price of our padini (it's almost RIDICULOUS!), zara, next, clarks, H&M, dorothy perkins, bershka, urban outfitters, sportsdirect.com - it's insanity at its max! i mean the amount of things that i could buy if i were a millionaire! even after conversion, it's a lottttt cheaper than the exact same ones here at home. i, proudly, bought myself everything that i can wear from my head, down to my feet. hairbands, cosmetics, tops, belts, jeans, shoes and shoes. oh, and a handbag. haha. afterall, i'm only a girl - with, hopefully, a bit of fashion sense. haha. :)
but of course, my favourite moments here in london, would have to be watching the Phantom of the Opera, Wicked, and the Bolshoi Ballet at the Royal Opera House. there is no musical production in the world that beats my beloved phantom. it's just stunning. and wicked, went in with absolute zero expectations, came out feeling exceptionally pleased and satisfied. makes me feel like defying gravity as well! :) and oh my god, the bolshoi ballet was in 3 acts - petrushka, russian seasons and paquita. those pointes, that graceful poise with flawless technique and perfect expression and pretty little costumes and tutus. it was exceptionally breath taking and very, very impressive. i could spend all my life watching musicals i swear.
me and mum stayed for a brief 3 nights at the malaysian hall. cheap, and i'm not complaining because what you give is what you get really. and waking up to the smell of nasi lemak, mmmmm :) then again, some certain malaysians ought to learn to be a tad more polite and courteous. and be nice. and friendly. and a lot more approachable. seriously, the guy at the malaysian high commissioner needs to stop facebooking and checking some girl out, plus smoking in an air-conditioned room. and just because i'm not malay, or just because your ranks are higher than mine and that you drive a super duper uber macho sports car and live in london luxuriously, doesn't mean you can be rude and intimidating. now that ain't very nice. whoever says malaysians are friendly. bite my ass.
apart from london, mum and i went to bath, oxford, stratford upon avon and windermere. he and i went to nottingham and manchester. bath is just really beautiful. it's almost like rome literally. so old, yet so bold. we went to oxford only to see christchurch college where harry potter was filmed and to the university of oxford. i swear i felt daniel radcliffe on where i stood in the picture. hahaha! and stratford upon avon is where shakespeare was born. windermere is a must go! the clear waters of the lake and those little ducklings, swans, and birds all over. it's just phenomenal. thank god for a perfectly fine weather! nottingham was merely to visit our friends. teck jian, danis, edwina. and others. nottingham hospitality service (NHS) at its best! missing your cupcakes edwina :) and your early morning breakfast teck jian! and your car, danis the menace! manchester was awesome! thank you swee leen for bringing me around in such a short time. and for a really good thai food!! :D old trafford is just crazy! i can definitely feel the players all around me. oh, how ecstatic!!!
it's time to try defying gravity. i think i'll try defying gravity, kiss me goodbye, i'm defying gravity, and you won't bring me down!
August 7, 2010
i lived a dream
sorry for this long hiatus, people :) you know i missed you.
it's been more than 1 month, coming to 2 now, since i last posted in here. and of course, so many things happened in that short period (or long) that i don't find it easy putting them into words. it literally felt like the longest dream ever. i never want to wake up from it. wished i hadn't. wished i could.
oh yes, UK has been the best dream ever to come true for me. never in my wildest of dreams would i think that it would actually materialise. you know when you're a kid, you dream of settling down in some beautiful country, in that small little cottage by the countryside (or if you want a posh apartment in the middle of that buzzing metropolitan city), i mean that was me (i'm a girl afterall, and if you don't already know, girls like fantasizing - in an APPROPRIATE, RIGHTEOUS manner, unlike boys if you get what i mean). and there i was! mum couldn't afford to send me to study abroad, so this was something to make up for that. sorta.
i do have one word to describe edinburgh really. it's brown. haha. it really is! its history dates back to thousands of years, or centuries ago, so you can't obviously be expecting buildings with rainbow colours or skyscrapers. it really is a beautiful, gorgeous place.so ancient, yet so bold and regal. oh, those blooming flowers everywhere! people sunbathing in the sun, sitting out in the parks and gardens, on benches or on those extremely healthy looking green grass, reading a book, playing football, having picnics, cycling, bringing out their dogs for a poop, playing the guitar, singing, and oh those summer romance! :)
the weather in Scotland is obviously a lot colder than in England. but cho kept telling me how hot it is, and so i only brought 1 jacket which was probably only 5mm thick. growls. its cold even in summer, especially when the wind blows. its uber chilly! :( and i look like a stupid eskimo walking around princes street while the girls were all dressed in boots with heels, sleeveless tops, mini skirts and shorts or dresses. how unfashionable can i get. tsk. and then, imagine coming out of the shower, even though it was a hot shower! most of the time i'd be having chills and rigors. i probably look like i'm having a bout of epileptic fits as well. tonic clonic jerk. rolls eyes.
not all food were good. i mean i do like eating burgers and sandwiches and sausages, bacon, etc etc. but FRIESSSSS! GOOD LORD. i'm not surprised at how common cardiovascular diseases are here. and to have to eat them everyday for a month, i think i'd rather turn vegetarian. and oh, the tesco here is a million times better than the ones we have at home. i love my hobnobs! yes yes, the strawberries - so huge and tasty! and those cherries! :) loved the ice cream too. ahh, the thought of it :D
now i know i'm supposed to be on a medical elective. haha. but then again, what's an elective without a bit of traveling and sightseeing? :) our private hospitals are nothing compared to the great royal infirmary of edinburgh. i'm just completely amazed and awed by how the whole NHS system works. makes us feel pretty small really. consultants, interns, nurses and the hospital staff here are all really nice people. they don't snap at you like how ours do if you can't answer a question. back here, you hear things like 'you stupid', 'like that also don't know?' or 'go and study more' kinda thing. and really, i think not only is that very insulting and mean, it only discourages the student more, or at least for me. i'd love to hear more of 'that's not quite it, but you're getting there' or 'that's good!' or 'don't worry, you're doing fine' or 'excellent!!!' and the thing that i really like about the whole place here is how well the doctors treat their patients. good communication skills, no jargons, no snapping at them. i like that. patients here are also very well aware of their disease and condition. i once asked this patient, 'hi mrs. so and so, do you know what medications you're on?' (with absolutely no expectations at all) and she replied 'oh yes! i'm on glibenclamide 500mg bd, aspirin 75mg on, lovastatin 50mg on, vit b complex, metoprolol 100mg bd, folic acid, vit c, calcium tabs....' and the list goes on. and then i just stoned, with my eyes and mouth wide opened. compare THAT to our very own patients. sigh.
i forgot to mention that i've never walked so much in my life! goodness. the longest of time that i've ever walked was for 45 mins. of course the cool air made it all a little more bearable for my poor feet :) no sweat!
we visited other places in scotland as well. dundee, st andrews, aberdeen, stonehaven, inverness, lochness and glasgow :) my favourite would have to be st andrews + stonehaven + lochness. lochness is the most beautiful lake ever. stonehaven has the best cliffs with such picturesque view and st andrews' beach is just breath taking! thank you to all those who hosted us - michelle, ben, mervin, kien wei, teddy bear, kevin, swee leen, teck jian, danis and edwina! those early morning breakfasts, a place to live in and bringing us around within such a short period of time, you guys are amazing!
phew. its been a long one. i'm gonna retire and let my pictures do the talking. well this is only on scotland. check in soon for more :)
don't ask me about the not so happy thing that happened. i've decided that my mind be blocked from it. and if it isn't painful enough for me, stop rubbing it in at my face at every point that i make a small, little, silly mistake. thank you.
Ps: re-edited - special thanks also to ng cho ee, for bringing me, him and mum around. all the times spent being the best tour guide ever, i've never seen any malaysian more well versed in scottish history good lord. told you you're a nerd, didn't i cho? lol. and for finding me izzy's place to stay, introducing me to mussels inn, giving me your whole room to sleep in (haha i'm sorry meryl and i threw you out of your own room), making me the best dinner ever and for just making my time in edinburgh a real blast and for being there whenever i needed you :) you know you love me :) xoxo. haha.
and also to ken and yee wei, for being there. and for chocolate soup! ahh, the thought of it :)
it's been more than 1 month, coming to 2 now, since i last posted in here. and of course, so many things happened in that short period (or long) that i don't find it easy putting them into words. it literally felt like the longest dream ever. i never want to wake up from it. wished i hadn't. wished i could.
oh yes, UK has been the best dream ever to come true for me. never in my wildest of dreams would i think that it would actually materialise. you know when you're a kid, you dream of settling down in some beautiful country, in that small little cottage by the countryside (or if you want a posh apartment in the middle of that buzzing metropolitan city), i mean that was me (i'm a girl afterall, and if you don't already know, girls like fantasizing - in an APPROPRIATE, RIGHTEOUS manner, unlike boys if you get what i mean). and there i was! mum couldn't afford to send me to study abroad, so this was something to make up for that. sorta.
i do have one word to describe edinburgh really. it's brown. haha. it really is! its history dates back to thousands of years, or centuries ago, so you can't obviously be expecting buildings with rainbow colours or skyscrapers. it really is a beautiful, gorgeous place.so ancient, yet so bold and regal. oh, those blooming flowers everywhere! people sunbathing in the sun, sitting out in the parks and gardens, on benches or on those extremely healthy looking green grass, reading a book, playing football, having picnics, cycling, bringing out their dogs for a poop, playing the guitar, singing, and oh those summer romance! :)
the weather in Scotland is obviously a lot colder than in England. but cho kept telling me how hot it is, and so i only brought 1 jacket which was probably only 5mm thick. growls. its cold even in summer, especially when the wind blows. its uber chilly! :( and i look like a stupid eskimo walking around princes street while the girls were all dressed in boots with heels, sleeveless tops, mini skirts and shorts or dresses. how unfashionable can i get. tsk. and then, imagine coming out of the shower, even though it was a hot shower! most of the time i'd be having chills and rigors. i probably look like i'm having a bout of epileptic fits as well. tonic clonic jerk. rolls eyes.
not all food were good. i mean i do like eating burgers and sandwiches and sausages, bacon, etc etc. but FRIESSSSS! GOOD LORD. i'm not surprised at how common cardiovascular diseases are here. and to have to eat them everyday for a month, i think i'd rather turn vegetarian. and oh, the tesco here is a million times better than the ones we have at home. i love my hobnobs! yes yes, the strawberries - so huge and tasty! and those cherries! :) loved the ice cream too. ahh, the thought of it :D
now i know i'm supposed to be on a medical elective. haha. but then again, what's an elective without a bit of traveling and sightseeing? :) our private hospitals are nothing compared to the great royal infirmary of edinburgh. i'm just completely amazed and awed by how the whole NHS system works. makes us feel pretty small really. consultants, interns, nurses and the hospital staff here are all really nice people. they don't snap at you like how ours do if you can't answer a question. back here, you hear things like 'you stupid', 'like that also don't know?' or 'go and study more' kinda thing. and really, i think not only is that very insulting and mean, it only discourages the student more, or at least for me. i'd love to hear more of 'that's not quite it, but you're getting there' or 'that's good!' or 'don't worry, you're doing fine' or 'excellent!!!' and the thing that i really like about the whole place here is how well the doctors treat their patients. good communication skills, no jargons, no snapping at them. i like that. patients here are also very well aware of their disease and condition. i once asked this patient, 'hi mrs. so and so, do you know what medications you're on?' (with absolutely no expectations at all) and she replied 'oh yes! i'm on glibenclamide 500mg bd, aspirin 75mg on, lovastatin 50mg on, vit b complex, metoprolol 100mg bd, folic acid, vit c, calcium tabs....' and the list goes on. and then i just stoned, with my eyes and mouth wide opened. compare THAT to our very own patients. sigh.
i forgot to mention that i've never walked so much in my life! goodness. the longest of time that i've ever walked was for 45 mins. of course the cool air made it all a little more bearable for my poor feet :) no sweat!
we visited other places in scotland as well. dundee, st andrews, aberdeen, stonehaven, inverness, lochness and glasgow :) my favourite would have to be st andrews + stonehaven + lochness. lochness is the most beautiful lake ever. stonehaven has the best cliffs with such picturesque view and st andrews' beach is just breath taking! thank you to all those who hosted us - michelle, ben, mervin, kien wei, teddy bear, kevin, swee leen, teck jian, danis and edwina! those early morning breakfasts, a place to live in and bringing us around within such a short period of time, you guys are amazing!
phew. its been a long one. i'm gonna retire and let my pictures do the talking. well this is only on scotland. check in soon for more :)
don't ask me about the not so happy thing that happened. i've decided that my mind be blocked from it. and if it isn't painful enough for me, stop rubbing it in at my face at every point that i make a small, little, silly mistake. thank you.
Ps: re-edited - special thanks also to ng cho ee, for bringing me, him and mum around. all the times spent being the best tour guide ever, i've never seen any malaysian more well versed in scottish history good lord. told you you're a nerd, didn't i cho? lol. and for finding me izzy's place to stay, introducing me to mussels inn, giving me your whole room to sleep in (haha i'm sorry meryl and i threw you out of your own room), making me the best dinner ever and for just making my time in edinburgh a real blast and for being there whenever i needed you :) you know you love me :) xoxo. haha.
and also to ken and yee wei, for being there. and for chocolate soup! ahh, the thought of it :)
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