angry

i think the reason why i am so frustrated at work is how people in this exceptionally dumb department generalizes and judges everyone they come across. what is worse is that they think they're a cut above others (ok, maybe a few cuts above since they've got such big heads) and that we're all like some pieces of scumbags who don't deserve to be doctors. 

i think the higher ranks need to realise that we're all not born doctors. i think people need to realise that there's a reason why house officers aren't specialists (yet). we're fresh from medical school. we're just getting accustomed to this whole new experience of work and i think i'd consider it more like a learning experience. i'd like to think that medicine is all about learning something new everyday. and it doesn't matter if we didnt know this fact today. we learn. and then we know it the next day.

the malaysian health care system has got to change. this whole hierarchy thing is not going to get us anywhere. house officers being afraid of mos and specialists. pissing in their pants every time they're being yelled or called names at. it isn't fair. we all start out by being house officers. and then we climb that ladder up. didn't you, you and you?

i think, that if you want to be respected, or be looked upon, you need to earn it. i could respect the position that you're in, but it wouldn't make any difference if you don't deserve to be respected.

i think i learn better from my superiors when we're friends. when i am able to voice my opinions and doubts and not be afraid of its consequences - afterall, the only reason why i ask questions is because i absolutely have no clue! DOOFUS.

and at my current place, the only person that truly inspires me and who really deserves my respect, is my neurology consultant. she is awesome. and she is an epitome of how a great doctor should be. 

and absolutely, not you. :)

the perfect getaway :)

it's really been awhile since i traveled. KL does NOT count. :D wished we had more time for krabi but all we could manage was to squeeze in pangkor island. but i guess the location didn't really matter in the end as long as we got away from work, out of town, just out of this complete wreckage.

it wouldn't have been complete if it weren't for your presence. for the times you held on to me, making sure i didn't drown in my own sillyness (yes i can't swim. pfft. so much for vacationing on an island). and for the times you've shown just how much i mean to you.

waking up beside you and seeing your pretty face first thing in the morning, is, afterall, my kind of bliss :)

AWESOMENESS.

krabi next. and then maldives. haha :)

f*ck you, work.

Thank you for loving me :)

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I'm at peace whenever I'm with you :)

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By the way, this is my new baby girl. Cousin sis in law just gave birth to this tiny beautiful thing. :)

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9 days of utmost bliss. 9 days of happyness with you. Wish it didn't have to come to an end. Well not literally, but obsgyn starting on Monday and 2 weeks of tagging til 10pm - means less time to spend with you. The thought of not seeing you for one day seems unbearable:(

I miss you. I miss every waking moment with you. If only things were easier for us.

Why does it always have to be so difficult.

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happy birthday :)

and suddenly it's all coming back to me now.

what was supposed to be quite an awesome day. i shocked a patient in VT this morning. first shock in my life and he reverted to sinus rhythm :)

and then i watched avengers with my best friend kar how. awesome movie. with hot ass hunks. almost had an episode of epistaxis.

and then suddenly you had to text. and then its just this entire feeling coming back altogether. the good times, and the bad, they just come flooding back.

i almost forgot that it was your birthday today. but i remembered it at the corner of my mind. but i didn't think it would matter to you if i said happy birthday or not. who am i to kid. it's over. we moved on. you moved on.

i won't cry. no matter what life throws at me, i know you wouldn't be there anymore.

and i know i will be ok :) i do believe God hears me.

i'm gonna be ok.

the doctor

it really has been awhile? :)

feel like writing today. so many thoughts unpenned. so many things to say and yet i dont know where to start. typical. bahs.

2 months into medical posting and i just detest every minute of it. there's just this empty feeling to all of this. i am not interested in learning. i dont want to care. well basically i just don't give a fuck about anything or anyone. its becoming so mechanical that i just want to race against time to finish my work and get the hell out of the shithole place. and more like i'm doing things to avoid being yelled at by my superiors.

haematology was a freakin WASTE OF TIME. i came out of it feeling as dumb as ever. and that mental torture i had to go through every day and the numerous accusations thrown at me of which i had to take it all in silence even though it wasn't my mistake to begin with. i'm glad we came out alive. absolutely grateful for the bunch of people i went through it with :)

and then cardio came. regretting every minute of it.

and here's when i ask myself everyday, why the fuck did i do medicine and why the fuck did i decide to become a doctor.

and then, i met you.

:)

the view's better up here when you're with me :)

thank you ♥

despite all this, i still miss you. and i still love you.

and that despite the hundreds of people that come into my life everyday, there isnt a day that i don't think about us before i go to bed.

i completely have no idea what's been running on your mind lately and even if i do, i doubt it would make any difference to where we are right now. it's just that it still hurts.

and it hurts a lot.

i wished i wasn't always sappy. i wished i was stronger than this.

gahss. wake up. oncall again tomorrow. life doesnt get any easier. :)

looking forward to another 3 months. and an end of posting holiday to anywhere. 1 month down in medical. RAWRRR.

surgical posting - checked.

sigh. its been a long journey. well at least it feels so. 4 months. and now into my 5th month working.

surgical has been awesome. minus the tagging part. the shift system was crazy awesome. and ppl were (yes, cocky) but cool. sighs. why did medical have to come.

i hate medical. dont ask me why just because it's medical. bahh! its not fun when you're working with incompetent, bossy, ohimsogreat kinda ppl. irks me to my core!

and tagging happened. sucks. and nephro call coming soon. sucks even more :(

after all this, life goes on. doesnt it always? at times i wished i had the courage to say NO. just to say NO.
what am i doing with my life? what do i want? shucks.

well i guess we all move on. whether we like it or not. sometimes there are things that are just meant or arent meant to be. and every step we take would be a risk to take. i remember telling surin, if we don't take the risks in life, we'd never know where it may lead us. for that spur of a moment i was so proud of myself for having said such a philosophically true phrase. it's always easier said than done. true. but i dont think that theres anything that cant be done as long as we set our minds to it. love isnt everything i guess that's true too. i am trying to move on from you. sure, there are some days where you just come into my head and mess everything up and made me wonder what if we hanged in there. but i don't think there's any turning back from now on.

:)

a horrible end to the year.

but a beautiful start to the new year :)

gotta love life's dramas eh?

christmas was good. rach invited me to join in the CF christmas caroling in the paediatric wards :) that feeling of making these kids' day a little brighter is extremely irreplaceable. and we've got goodies for them too!

and then christmas eve was awesome too! drinking session with my bestie at straits. straits was just amazingly beautiful. and people were crazy! oh wells, its the company that matters :)

new year's eve was ALSO at straits quay. its the most happening place here in penang whadya expect! :) the best part about it was that the three of us (my male besties since puberty age) were together there. we' ve come a long way, haven't we? :)

then came my favourite event of the year. summed up an awesome year! my cousin brother's wedding :) been waiting for a long longggg time since my cousin sister's 3 years ago. another one coming up soon, i hope! 

                                                                       my little girl ♥

                                            

                                                                         the couple

                                                                       la familia  :)

its been a great year thus far. Batu Pahat. passing EOS10. graduation. holiday trips to Bali and Korea. definitely NOT work (but work's work fuck it). and yes. :)

new year's resolution? the losing weight part will always be there LOL. but um, haven't sorted things out yet. so we'll see :)

work again tomorrow, night people!

things can't get anymore easier, can they?

men can't get anymore less complicated too, can they?

why now. why is everything happening now. why.

i mean seriously, can't you just shut your fucking mouth up and tell me you want to spend the rest of your life with me and you'll give me all the love and happiness in the world and then actually do and show it?

and i thought women have period issues to deal with. pfft.

i'm scared.

i don't know if i can bear the consequences of the decision i just made.

why do i do this to myself all the time. why do i need to beat myself up.

i want for us to do this together as much as you do. i dont want to lose you.

but what if this is for the better. what if things are meant to turn out as such.

haven't i already run this through my head a million times.

why am i still at where i stood since forever?

today's the only off day i get, like a real proper one, not a postcall one, after 6 weeks of work. seriously. why hasn't anyone complained about how this is all against labour law?! RAWR

my life has gotten so mundane and boring that there really isn't much to write in here. sighs. everyday is just a repetition of the same cycle: get up and yell fuck you --> work and get screwed --> come home and eat the hell out of myself --> sleep like a pig. and it repeats itself the next day.

the only salvations to my poor, broken soul are the comfort of home and mum, the very few people i hangout with here ( actually i think theres only you and you lols ), playing my music with my piano and guitar, tv, and facebook! :)

lunch appointments, dinner hangouts, coffee hangouts, i mean these things make me look forward to the week, which i think is exceptionally essential after all that shit i get from work. happy :)

oh, my pay came in! some miniscule amount, but ok, what can i say? can't complain. life is life. can't wait till i pass that mrcpch and shove it in the pm's face. everyone i know seems to be waiting for my pay day LOL. ive got a date at kampachi, another with my best friend, and my aunt cant stop bugging me to bring her to the market (she's an aunty, what can i say) and for breakfast. and the bills at home! reality check. gahs.

i miss you.

everyday.

♥

i don't want to jinx it.

but work has so far been fairly ok. it's just the part of having to get up at 5am, beat myself at it, drag myself (literally) out of my bed and walking into the oh so depressing hospital. the smell of it makes me sick all the time.

my ward has been great so far, very much thanks to the help i get from my super seniors. liang wei (my professor like sifu!), firdaus, nasir and fazrul. yes, i was the only teeny weeny female amongst my androgenic bunch of colleagues. theyve taught me so much and have made my life so much easier!

i don't want to move to another ward tomorrow! :( females are always a tough lot to handle blergh. the oh so many pms moments.

please do continue to be kind to me!

i literally drag myself up every morning. and every part of me just cries in pain.

this transition from medical school and holidays, to these somewhat absurdly ridiculous and agonizing days, just kills every part of me - it feels like cancer.

don't have to remind me how i need to stop complaining and whining like geezgetalife. i'd have to work and bring the money home some day soon. and unfortunately that day has arrived. its my responsibility. its my life. i get all that.

but everytime i look back and ponder on my times in university, with you and you you you you and you, and the things we did, the laughs we laughed and the crazy shits we shared. those crazy exam moments where we had each other all the time. and that one goal that we all had. my heart would twitch. and i'd sink back into these memories etched in my heart.

the best times of my life has got to be the ones in imu. edinburgh. uk. dato's classes. even eos. holidays. bali.

as of this point, i don't know how to continue living and pretending as if everything is ok. it isn't. but i do know that i need to stop living in my past, i've got to move on.

move on, how? i've yet to figure that out. one day.

how do you pick up the pieces of the life you once knew?

there isn't a day that i don't regret doing this. none.

i don't get why im working my ass off for this.

a little bit of gratitude and appreciation would go a long way. thanks.

i would relive my imu days all over again no matter how painstaking it was it isnt as painstaking as this is.

i wished everyday was graduation day.

i wished everyday was bali with him.

i wished everyday was korea.

i wished everyday he was with me, at every step of my way.

i wished he was here.

i miss you babe :(

induction came and go. i wished work would come and go too. gah!

and so i will be stuck here at home, penang.. for the next 2 years, until i finally find "my place" and until i figure out what to do with my life and career or maybe until i find a rich man and just marry him. :) lifelong ambition really!

to say that i'm completely elated at the fact that i'd be serving my own hometown.. i'm not quite sure i really am that excited and oooohhh!-like. there's just too many doubts, too many questions, and too many worries that's running through my mind as i step into this uncharted sea of work.

most of all, i know i miss him like crazy. people ask why he isn't coming along with you. shrugs. i don't even know it myself. family commitments? its prolly the only more comforting reason i can tell myself everyday. sara asked me if we are going to work things out the long distance way (fuck i hate LDRs - never believed in them), we will. the plans haven't quite settled in yet because we don't know how the work load and schedules are going to be like, and until then, we'll wait for that day to see each other again. :)

wish me luck guys. isn't it crazy? from school, to college, imu, and now hospital pulau pinang wtf.

pray.

i love you b. i'll see you soon, promise.

to all my sisters and bitches (in a friendly way) out there, we'll do this together, and we'll see each other again soon. promise!

and yes.

today i start work.

i just want to be happy.