:)

i am smiling like an idiot now. i truly TRULY LOVE today. YOU and YOU made my day.

you know who you are :)

thank you so much for everything. i needed this. it's been a long while since i've been genuinely happy. like today.

we have forever :D

psycho?

maybe after psychiatry i'd be able to diagnose what i have.

obs ended. extremely and utterly sad. because i realise i love it so much. SO VERY MUCH. my favourite posting, even way better than paeds.

exams did not go well at all. i know this is becoming a routine. me complaining how bad it is. but i just know it that this time i have failed 2 papers. i know i did. so don't. DON'T. just leave me alone.

weekend back home was great. stopped by ipoh for chicken hor fun and salted chicken and 10 boxes of funny mountain! :) and a whole lot of singing on the way I GOTTA FEELING!! lol. and AS LONG AS YOU LOVE ME. and the weirdest thing was both songs played again while we were on our back from penang. TOTALLY WEIRD.

today's first day of psych. i feel...empty. i feel... useless. i guess obs pushed me so much that i didn't even realise i could do so much. so i guess that sudden feeling of doing nothing really made me feel lost. psych seems pretty relaxed alright. but i have so much at hand.

research papers. fucked up with the time. sorry for the language but i can't help it.

ims. coming soon. and with people i'm not very fond of working with. i don't really care.

eos 7 looming in. i don't know. i just want to pass. and be happy. and to go to Edinburgh.

and so many other things to figure out. if this is all i want. if this is really enough for me. if this is what i'm searching for. and i don't have much time. i can't keep doing this. it hurts me. it hurts everyone.

if only time would lay still. and the world lies frozen in time. in that empty silence.

i only want to be happy

i didn't think i would ever say this. BUT.

i think i really enjoyed my obs posting. i mean a lot of people have said that before. i just never thought i'd be feeling the same way about it too. if they hadn't give me a hard time, i think it would be a really, really good posting for me.

i really do enjoy my whole labour room week. because for once in my life, or in my entire med school life, i feel USEFUL. i feel like i could actually DO SOMETHING. like now i know how to deliver a placenta, how to examine it, how to examine a neonate, how to deliver a baby, how to perform female catheterization (it's really really easy and cool!) and i've done so many vaginal examinations although you need to pardon my extremely short fingers cos i was not congenitally born to be an obstetrician aherm. so yes, i've learnt so much from that 1 week that when it ended, i was almost depressed. and i have so many doctors to be thankful for. so thank you :)

sigh. all i really want, is to have this posting to end in a good way. i mean, to end in a favourable, likeable, happy way. because i was so depressed with how my favourite paeds posting ended. i just don't want that for this. i mean i'm trying really hard. i'm really giving it my best. although i still feel like i haven't grasped things really well yet, but i really am trying. when will it ever be enough, i don't know.

anyways, next week is exam week. i know that there's a reason for everything that has happened. just, please, God, be with me. i've never asked for anything much, but just this once, please let me be happy. do i not deserve every right to be?

Another Week, Another Weekend

i did my first placenta delivery today! :) and examined it myself :) with dr shirley. too bad dr edwin wasn't there otherwise i'm sure he'd be telling me about a lot of stuff. nonetheless, i did it :) that warm gush of blood that spilled onto my hands!! ooohh!! the placenta is really soft and slimey and gooey (as ho wai puts it). it feels really good to be able to do something. i think obs is the one posting where i have over 30 entries of procedures in my logbook :)

as much as a i love the weekends, there's this part of me that doesn't really quite like it. i mean there is absolutely no valid reason why one shouldn't like the weekend because that's when you rewind and relax and just chill. but. here in seremban, 80% of us leave this damned place for home because theirs is 45 mins away. while mine is 5 hours away. if i had all the money in the world, i would take the flight back every weekend. if only. it just feels really empty here when all is gone. like as if it isn't bad enough that i know seremban is really not exactly that lively, they all have to leave while i just envy everyone in silence and cry and wished i could so easily drive home every weekend too. this is the part when i miss mummy and daddy. and that place called home. if only it wasn't that far away. i think i am just that kind of person who never wants to feel lonely.

the whole week just went by in a snap. i've done so many things. seen so many things. seen my first caesarean section. and then a second for a breech presentation. REALLY COOL. she literally pulled the whole uterus out, together with the fallopian tubesss!! :S and i did my first female catheterization thanks to dr edwin :) and i assisted in a delivery. watched so many episiotomies being done. and repair of tears. sutures. setting of iv lines. observing amniotomy. epidural anaesthesia!! ALL IN A WEEK. very productive and happy. wished it didn't have to end :(

next week is hell. and so is the following week. i don't want to know. i'm scared. i just want to go home and escape all of these.

i wished i didn't have so much on my mind. i just wished i could concentrate on one thing. things just doesn't get any better.

if only i knew what i want. if only i knew what he wants.

i miss mich too. :(

EDINBURGHHH!!!!

OMG OMG OMG OMGOMOGMOGMGOMGOGMOGMGOMGOGMGOMO!!!!!

IM GOING TO EDINBURGH NEXT JULY!!! SO EXCITEDDDDD!!!

fuhhh! i finally got my letter :) i have never felt any more elated in my life! (ok other than finding out that the guy whom i like likes me back too but thats beside the point)

yes! i can't wait to go. i can't wait to book my flight and get my accomodation. i can't wait to get my visa done. i can't wait to see the world!!! :)

and yesss! i can't wait to go with him! :)

Mad

one word to describe the week.

one word to rule it all.

EXHAUSTED LAHHH!! (ok, that's 2 but whatever)

growls!

i've never been so lifeless honestly. last week was all work and no fun. getting up at 6 am. be in the ward by 630 am. on-call every night. from 7 to 11pm. clerking 7 patients per day. i feel so mechanical already.

my pimples keep springing up like like flowers in summer. rolls eyes. i am now embarrassed to even look up. its amazing what 4 fugly red bumps can do to your self-esteem.

i'm tired. i need to recuperate. breathe. and then learn how to live again.

and we've been doing good :) so far. *hearts* him :)

Too Tired To Try

i'm tired of lifting my hopes up high just to have it crumble down on me

i'm tired of wanting things so badly that i'm wasting my time just thinking about it

i'm tired of trying and trying only to end up being nowhere

i'm tired of keeping faith and then losing it all over again

i'm tired of having to pick myself up and look at the world around me again

i'm tired of trying to prove the things i want to prove only to let them see that i can't do it

i'm tired of crying

i'm tired of pushing

i'm tired of everything!

And Counting...

yesterday was 3 months.

92 days to be exact.

next tuesday is a 100 days :)

i don't know how to tell you that i'd love for you to remember it.

i am only a girl afterall.

but i want to live through it with you.

and i know we will survive ♥

All Over Again

and again. it's the same.

paediatrics posting ended. didn't feel like 5 weeks.

loved every minute of it.

exam didn't turn out good.

prof didn't make it any easier.

wished it didn't feel the same like it did 6 weeks ago.

So You Think You're So Tough?

if you can be selfish. so can i. i deserve every right to be.

it's ok. i'm used to having people push me around. but it's fine.

i will do it. i will get through it.

and then you can tell the whole world what i did.

suck that.

Work and Work. Oh Groans!

kar how made fun of my blog the other day. He said huifang no longer comments on my chatbox and no one else comments on it too because i've been terribly emotional that they no longer know what to tell or say to me. LOL. FUNNNYYYYY!

anyways that was random.

one week back in penang and i've been hit by some gross bugs. the diarrhea bug, the soarthroat bug and the flu bug. must be the laksa. and must be the H1N1 kids i play with in the wards. lol. yes, stay away from me :D

other than being sick at home, i have never once worked so much in my life during the holidays. ok, it's somewhat a short holiday nonetheless (yes, medically related people don't have holidays so shut up). summaries and reports due next friday?! seriously, they just want to suck the final breath of life out of you. 5 summaries and 2 reports due. it's taking me ages to do it. mum asked me "how is it that i see you doing it every day and night and yet you're still doing it even after 7 days of working on it?!" and i'm like "yes i wished i had a shortcut too". and i remember telling surin that everytime i typed a line in either my summary or report, i imagine dr cheah's face cringing and i see him crumpling my papers and dumping it into the bin. i don't know why but it's just this time in paeds that i have such horrid, yet vivid visualizations. LOL.

took some time off dim-summing with kar. despite already feeling weird with my stomach growling. seriously, that ungrateful guy. AHAHA. but yes, he bought me 'tis by frank mccourt! been waiting for it for ages! =D thanks kar =) and yes, our awkwardly weird social outting. don't mention. DON'T.


and wedding dinner with sooi. =) loved it NOT because of her cousin brother getting married but because she's there. LOL. and some certain good looking guy that we both secretly like. LOL. =D



anyways, it's tomorrow. sigh. another week. another week in hell. ok more like forever in hell. shucks. goodnite world. see you in seremban. BAHHHH!!

I Don't Know You Anymore

and yes it is true when they say that there is a reason for everything that has happened.

so true.

and that there's a reason why at some point of your life, some people leave and some, they stay.

i think i've witnessed that enough for myself and it had to take me so long to realize the value of this.

i think i'm more appreciative of the people i have in my life right now. NOT that i don't usually do. but i do MORE now. teehee =D

it's sad to see someone who was once your friend change into something that you don't know anymore. that feeling of helplessness to see him plunge into that deep dark abyss. and all you can do is to wish him well in all and yes, better still, wished we didn't ever have to meet again. EVER. or talk. or msn. it is sad.

so yes, there is a reason to why we didn't ever workout. i'd be damned. can't thank my lucky stars enough ? :)

and for a moment, the current "he" is so much better than the previous "he". i just suddenly feel the need to appreciate him more. and then stop demanding all the things i demanded from him since 2 months ago. LOL. and then i shall compromise :)

♥ i miss him more ♥

Pointless

you asked me what was wrong

and i told you

but it wouldn't make any difference

because you don't make me feel better

because you don't care

because you don't ever attempt to amend it

so don't

just don't.

Weekend Marathon!

Whoohoo! me in kl. me in kl. me in kl. :)

heading to my favourite porridge place now. sooi is taking ages to get ready. TSK

and then to SHAWWWWPINNGGGGG!!!

and then to eat.

and then to SHAWWWWWPINNGGG..

and then to eat.

and then hopefully wondermilk :)

i love malaysia.

ok maybe not afterall theyve done to me.

maybe just today :D

2 months

today is the 12th.

it has been 2 months since then.

and again, no progress.

no answer.

nothing.

you don't ever care, do you?

and you don't ever remember.

with you, it's always about evading the whole situation and problem that is staring right at our bloody faces.

and you choose to ignore.

it's ok.

i just give up.

i just need the right time.

the courage to make that decision that is what's best for me.

even if it meant losing you.

i'd rather be losing you now, than to lose you forever.

i want you.

but i need to let you go.

i need to let me go.

i'd rather us be the best of friends, than to end up being away from each others' lives.

i don't want that for us.

i don't want that for me.

help.

Pull That Trigger

just take it all.

take it!

there is nothing left.

or shoot me.

i am bleeding.

Away..

today i feel like we're growing apart.

drifting away from each other.

i don't know if it's just me.

or if it's real.

or it's our busy schedule.

i miss him.

First Week Down!

paeds has been fun so far. 4 more weeks to go. part of me can't wait to finish it. part of me loves being around these kids. and oh! today, there's this 1 year old girl whom i walked pass in the ward as i was entering, so i waved at her. guess what she did? :D ahaha. SHE FROWNED AT ME!!! lol. she really did. and it was really a frown! so cute :) of course, i talked to the mother later and played with her then. she couldn't stop playing with my pens and couldn't stop saying "pooh" after looking at the winnie the pooh bears in the cupboard opposite her bed. :D and she let me carry her! :)

made my day that girl.

and it's KL this weekend! to see Sooi. and have fun. and eat. and go to places.

and then mum dad popping by again this weekend. don't ask me why. because i am not interested in my dad's frenzy with his car.

so yes, currently waiting for kw to come back and go go go go go!!!!! :D

toodles :)

Better :)

today's a much better day.

sunny.

bright.

less gloomy.

still enjoyed clerking patients with the ho.

miss giggling and laughing loudly and being disgusting and perved with the pik! oh my, the noise!

miss going dinner with the pik and kw and surin.

today improved :)

ps: a paediatrician was so funny today. she said to the patient whose child was being placed on a man-made "buaian" which was basically a piece of cloth tied on both ends to both the ends of the bed with "tali rafia",

"wah letak bayi macam ini ah. nanti "pom!". LOL. banyak inovasi juga ah. LOL."

ok, only me and the ho would laugh. kw didn't get us. HAHAHA. yes, that complete retard. :)

today was very much better. i was myself. at least more. :)

Where Is The Love?

i am utterly disgusted. utterly embarrassed. speechless.

wonder when did malaysians get so low. OH SO VERY LOW.

IMO, there is no solid and valid reason that would justify such an act.