2012 is coming to an end. 3 more days to embracing the new year. end of the world didn't come at all. not that i was waiting for it to arrive - in fact i was too busy at work it didn't even hit me that 21.12.12 was it. oh wells.

the year had its ups and downs as usual. working in this exceptionally challenging field and hospital was not an easy rat race. one posting after another. one exam after another. still shit in my pants at every end of posting assessment like it was just yesterday i passed my first. was looking forward to my paediatrics posting so much because i thought i might probably just do it (not because i'm of the paediatric age group as well pfft). but it turns out that i didn't quite enjoy the posting as much as i'd wanted to. then again, a lot of people have said that maybe it is just penang gh - like how its a little bit more hostile than other places, and maybe because of its numerous subspecialties. but i don't know, sometimes when i'm oncall, tired, hungry, stinky, and pushed to my limits, i just want to slap that kid for screaming and spurting saliva at me while i'm trying to set their super difficult branulas. give me a break honestly. gahs. then again, loving children and loving the subject - they're completely different. surgical and medical was awesome. big NO to O&G. so, maybe MRCP? :) then do gastro, and do scopes, and earn big bucks and quit and be siu nai nai :)

2012 also began with meeting you. it's going to be 10 months. it wasn't easy for us from the start due to our differences and my utterly difficult mother. for all the things that you've done for me, for all the sacrifices you've made - i cannot have asked for more. i never thought that i was worth anyone's fight, but you have brought so much happyness into my life than i can ever imagine. for all the late night/wee hours of the morning dinner/suppers, for the postcall breakfasts, for all the crazy stunts and activities we did together, for staying home just doing nothing. but most of all, for the times you stood by me, believed in me, and loved me. forever isn't enough for me to be with you, baby. we'll get there someday. and someday, my mum will see us the way i see us. i can almost see it. i love you :)

2013, bring it on. i won't give up. i don't exactly have new year resolutions to make. i mean, it comes and goes. i'll be done with housemanship by september 2013. by then, i'll try my best to figure out what i'd want to do in life. and we'll take it from there. and to my fellow comrades, we're gonna do this like we did before. RAWR! and to you; my other half, you can do it! we can do it! love you so much i can die.

hello 2013! :)

my days are more bearable when you're around. when i look forward to seeing you everyday after work. it's like the only force that's keeping me going throughout my day.

most of the time work seems meaningless. i just don't care anymore about my patients, about my work, about medicine. it's come down to a point where i just do it for the sake of it. i totally don't enjoy doing medicine anymore. why do i have to put myself through all the physical and mental torments. being yelled at. being completely unappreciated no matter how much effort you put in.

like today i was at the mall with rachel and ru fah after work. and i see people walking around happily. like there isn't a care in this world. they're actually enjoying a meal. enjoying walking with families and loved ones. why is it that i don't feel the same joy. why is it that there's always something to worry about in my head with every little thing that i do.

i don't know how i'd get through all these if i didn't have you. nobody knows me like you do. nobody loves me as much as you do. ok 'cept maybe my mum. :)

today we hiked up to monkey beach. crazy dangerously challenging trail. but im glad i did it with you :) awesome day. finally felt like i could breathe in what seems to be such a long long time already!

                                             i made pasta! :)

                  and salad! :D no, we didn't get diarrhea!

                                                           monkey beach!

i don't want this to ever end. please?

oh you make me smile:)

Always.

Happyness is when I'm with you. :)

I love you.

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The escape.

It's prolly my 3rd time here in langkawi and yet things still seem so new to me. Like I don't recall my last langkawi trip at all. Weird I know.
Nonetheless it was a good trip. Just needed to run away from reality abit. A much needed escape. Contentment from just doing absolutely nothing but enjoy what nature has to offer and pamper myself.
A full aromatherapy body massage was a must.
Room overlooking the sea filled with yatches and such blue skies and just listening to the sound of the waves hitting the shores.
And some booze. :)
Bliss.
O&G done. Double Bliss. :)

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"Baby if I ever leave, will u please promise me that u won't wait for me?"
"But baby, where are you going?"
.........
"I don't know"
.........
"I won't ever leave. I'll go wherever you will go".

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angry

i think the reason why i am so frustrated at work is how people in this exceptionally dumb department generalizes and judges everyone they come across. what is worse is that they think they're a cut above others (ok, maybe a few cuts above since they've got such big heads) and that we're all like some pieces of scumbags who don't deserve to be doctors. 

i think the higher ranks need to realise that we're all not born doctors. i think people need to realise that there's a reason why house officers aren't specialists (yet). we're fresh from medical school. we're just getting accustomed to this whole new experience of work and i think i'd consider it more like a learning experience. i'd like to think that medicine is all about learning something new everyday. and it doesn't matter if we didnt know this fact today. we learn. and then we know it the next day.

the malaysian health care system has got to change. this whole hierarchy thing is not going to get us anywhere. house officers being afraid of mos and specialists. pissing in their pants every time they're being yelled or called names at. it isn't fair. we all start out by being house officers. and then we climb that ladder up. didn't you, you and you?

i think, that if you want to be respected, or be looked upon, you need to earn it. i could respect the position that you're in, but it wouldn't make any difference if you don't deserve to be respected.

i think i learn better from my superiors when we're friends. when i am able to voice my opinions and doubts and not be afraid of its consequences - afterall, the only reason why i ask questions is because i absolutely have no clue! DOOFUS.

and at my current place, the only person that truly inspires me and who really deserves my respect, is my neurology consultant. she is awesome. and she is an epitome of how a great doctor should be. 

and absolutely, not you. :)

the perfect getaway :)

it's really been awhile since i traveled. KL does NOT count. :D wished we had more time for krabi but all we could manage was to squeeze in pangkor island. but i guess the location didn't really matter in the end as long as we got away from work, out of town, just out of this complete wreckage.

it wouldn't have been complete if it weren't for your presence. for the times you held on to me, making sure i didn't drown in my own sillyness (yes i can't swim. pfft. so much for vacationing on an island). and for the times you've shown just how much i mean to you.

waking up beside you and seeing your pretty face first thing in the morning, is, afterall, my kind of bliss :)

AWESOMENESS.

krabi next. and then maldives. haha :)

f*ck you, work.

Thank you for loving me :)

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I'm at peace whenever I'm with you :)

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By the way, this is my new baby girl. Cousin sis in law just gave birth to this tiny beautiful thing. :)

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9 days of utmost bliss. 9 days of happyness with you. Wish it didn't have to come to an end. Well not literally, but obsgyn starting on Monday and 2 weeks of tagging til 10pm - means less time to spend with you. The thought of not seeing you for one day seems unbearable:(

I miss you. I miss every waking moment with you. If only things were easier for us.

Why does it always have to be so difficult.

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happy birthday :)

and suddenly it's all coming back to me now.

what was supposed to be quite an awesome day. i shocked a patient in VT this morning. first shock in my life and he reverted to sinus rhythm :)

and then i watched avengers with my best friend kar how. awesome movie. with hot ass hunks. almost had an episode of epistaxis.

and then suddenly you had to text. and then its just this entire feeling coming back altogether. the good times, and the bad, they just come flooding back.

i almost forgot that it was your birthday today. but i remembered it at the corner of my mind. but i didn't think it would matter to you if i said happy birthday or not. who am i to kid. it's over. we moved on. you moved on.

i won't cry. no matter what life throws at me, i know you wouldn't be there anymore.

and i know i will be ok :) i do believe God hears me.

i'm gonna be ok.

the doctor

it really has been awhile? :)

feel like writing today. so many thoughts unpenned. so many things to say and yet i dont know where to start. typical. bahs.

2 months into medical posting and i just detest every minute of it. there's just this empty feeling to all of this. i am not interested in learning. i dont want to care. well basically i just don't give a fuck about anything or anyone. its becoming so mechanical that i just want to race against time to finish my work and get the hell out of the shithole place. and more like i'm doing things to avoid being yelled at by my superiors.

haematology was a freakin WASTE OF TIME. i came out of it feeling as dumb as ever. and that mental torture i had to go through every day and the numerous accusations thrown at me of which i had to take it all in silence even though it wasn't my mistake to begin with. i'm glad we came out alive. absolutely grateful for the bunch of people i went through it with :)

and then cardio came. regretting every minute of it.

and here's when i ask myself everyday, why the fuck did i do medicine and why the fuck did i decide to become a doctor.

and then, i met you.

:)

the view's better up here when you're with me :)

thank you ♥

despite all this, i still miss you. and i still love you.

and that despite the hundreds of people that come into my life everyday, there isnt a day that i don't think about us before i go to bed.

i completely have no idea what's been running on your mind lately and even if i do, i doubt it would make any difference to where we are right now. it's just that it still hurts.

and it hurts a lot.

i wished i wasn't always sappy. i wished i was stronger than this.

gahss. wake up. oncall again tomorrow. life doesnt get any easier. :)

looking forward to another 3 months. and an end of posting holiday to anywhere. 1 month down in medical. RAWRRR.

surgical posting - checked.

sigh. its been a long journey. well at least it feels so. 4 months. and now into my 5th month working.

surgical has been awesome. minus the tagging part. the shift system was crazy awesome. and ppl were (yes, cocky) but cool. sighs. why did medical have to come.

i hate medical. dont ask me why just because it's medical. bahh! its not fun when you're working with incompetent, bossy, ohimsogreat kinda ppl. irks me to my core!

and tagging happened. sucks. and nephro call coming soon. sucks even more :(

after all this, life goes on. doesnt it always? at times i wished i had the courage to say NO. just to say NO.
what am i doing with my life? what do i want? shucks.

well i guess we all move on. whether we like it or not. sometimes there are things that are just meant or arent meant to be. and every step we take would be a risk to take. i remember telling surin, if we don't take the risks in life, we'd never know where it may lead us. for that spur of a moment i was so proud of myself for having said such a philosophically true phrase. it's always easier said than done. true. but i dont think that theres anything that cant be done as long as we set our minds to it. love isnt everything i guess that's true too. i am trying to move on from you. sure, there are some days where you just come into my head and mess everything up and made me wonder what if we hanged in there. but i don't think there's any turning back from now on.

:)

a horrible end to the year.

but a beautiful start to the new year :)

gotta love life's dramas eh?

christmas was good. rach invited me to join in the CF christmas caroling in the paediatric wards :) that feeling of making these kids' day a little brighter is extremely irreplaceable. and we've got goodies for them too!

and then christmas eve was awesome too! drinking session with my bestie at straits. straits was just amazingly beautiful. and people were crazy! oh wells, its the company that matters :)

new year's eve was ALSO at straits quay. its the most happening place here in penang whadya expect! :) the best part about it was that the three of us (my male besties since puberty age) were together there. we' ve come a long way, haven't we? :)

then came my favourite event of the year. summed up an awesome year! my cousin brother's wedding :) been waiting for a long longggg time since my cousin sister's 3 years ago. another one coming up soon, i hope! 

                                                                       my little girl ♥

                                            

                                                                         the couple

                                                                       la familia  :)

its been a great year thus far. Batu Pahat. passing EOS10. graduation. holiday trips to Bali and Korea. definitely NOT work (but work's work fuck it). and yes. :)

new year's resolution? the losing weight part will always be there LOL. but um, haven't sorted things out yet. so we'll see :)

work again tomorrow, night people!