you always know the way to my heart...

masked

i need to wake up. and start realizing the harshness of the reality that i live in.

no. you don't deserve me. you don't deserve what i have to give. you don't deserve what i have to offer.

you, don't deserve to be my friend.

now would you please step aside?

Dave Matthews Band - Crash Into Me

my only exception ♥

october has been one of the most eventful month ever. the ups. and the downs. paeds exams finally ended. i've this extremely weird feeling about paeds since i started a month ago. i'm finding myself hating the subject. really. partly prolly because i started it out really rough and i just somehow didn't feel like i've grasped enough throughout the 4 weeks. looked like a complete idiot when prof asked me how does one get dengue when i happily and loudly answered female anopheles mosquitoe. great. he probably thinks i'm stupid. saq paper - completely stunned at how vague the questions were. and tuberculosis?! that is internal med lah please. grr.

the up side to all of that - is PARAMOREEE!♥

oh loves. absolutely. stunningly. utterly. amazing. awesome. incredible.

19th october 2010.

best awesome rock concert night ever! :) totally worth the amount i paid. which of course was the cheapest ticket but heck, we got to sit at the more expensive seats because noone checked. oh yes!

oh the start of the concert was amazing. all that screaming and shouting and shrieks. all that frenzy! it was crazeee! :D and to know that i was part of that !

they did most of my favourite songs. ignorance. that's what you get. brick by boring brick. WHEN IT RAINS! the only exception. crushcrushcrush!! and ended with misery business :) oh totally hearts!

hayley - she's just amazing. she's so absolutely talented and beautiful! she's like this tiny little figure jumping and prancing non-stop on the stage. it was so effortless. where the hell did she find that energy to do it for 2 hours?! its crazy. and the rest of the band - absolutely flawless. like they have this same routine where they do the head bangings with legs wide opened, all together! it was so cute.

i know i've been going on and on about this for ages now. and its all i ever want to talk about and carry a conversation about with others. like seriously. like oh, you speak paramore too?! omg! haha. and its all over my facebook. yes. and its part of another reason why i got depressed and totally refused to study and hate paeds more. like why the fuck am i doing medicine. i should quit and start a band myself and tour the world and see all the beautiful things there is. life just doesn't stop at medicine. pfft.

i lived and breathed paramore every second of my life since the concert. it was insane. i was pretty sure i was turning manic.  oh wells, life goes on. i'm sure i'm still a rockstar despite doing medicine :D haha.

pa ra pa pa ra pa pa ra ! :) ♥

 

joel. ellice. maya. pei. ho wai. aaron

 

  

 

was extremely high the whole week and the following week! :) glad to hear that angelene and mun cheng was there too! :) ♥

because i know better

i looked through abir's tumblr. they're all filled with "i love you"s and "i will wait for you" and "i want us". and then i remember all the times i said that. here. and to you. and i realise that i've been so stupid all along. you never wanted "us". you only wanted "you". i want to tell her so badly that it won't ever work out. we would just be waiting for rain in a long and terrible drought.

i don't deserve any hope, do i? i just didn't think i would've mattered so much less, and in so short a time, to you. people move on, don't we?

I’m not going to force you to break it down, I’m going to let you do it on your own. And when you do, I’ll let you.
This is how much I am into you, you know that? Then again, maybe i WAS. but i guess not anymore now. because you just built me another wall to keep me away from ever loving again. 

i am..

the stupidest person ever alive. yes?

coming soon

updates soon. not now. i will die if i don't start studying for my paeds soon. seriously.


PARAMORE ROCKKKKSSSS!

loved :)

i came home for the weekends. i think i needed this break away from where we were. i was in such a big mess.

spent the few days at home just being with my mum and dad. my aunt. and my baby niece :) love her to bits although she did fart in my face. LOL.

i think i am a lot better now. i still do think about you. but i've come to terms with it. i am accepting it. time will tell the truth, i'm sure.

i thank god everyday for giving me this strength to move on. and for sending me his angels to help me through it all.

thank you ho wai, for always being there. taking me out and constantly reminding me that life doesn't just end here. and for buying me sammy the moose! :) i love you ho wai!

thank you hui li for calling me up and checking on me. i miss you so very very much! come home soon ok :)  i love you more darling! kisses :D

thank you pau for always listening to me grumble and complain and cry over the phone. i know you have other, aherm, "things" to attend to, and i'm sorry i took up so much of your time. but thank you :)

thank you shaf for making me smile all the time. and for all that you've told me ( it was harsh, but it was the truth that i needed to hear). thank you for making me look forward to so many things. and for just being here. you know i love you shaf!

and of course my mum - who's undying love have been keeping me alive.

♥

it doesn't change anything, does it? we're still ... broken.

i wake up every morning, thinking about all that we've said the past two weeks. and then i think about everything that we've said to each other since more than a year ago. all the promises you made to me. all the broken ones. you said you would never hurt me. you would never have the heart to. but you did it, no matter what.

i go to bed every night wishing i had the power to make things right. wishing i could've turned back time to where we could start over. wishing we could still pick up the pieces from where we last left behind and make it happen.

i fake a smile along the corridors when they walk by. i try so hard to talk to people, and pretend to be happy. to be ok. but the truth is, my heart is still shattered. and i can't seem to find a way to fix it back. i don't know how to do it without you.

i need you now

i thought about us last night. how you would hold me in your arms while we sleep the night away. i miss you too much. i wanted to call you so badly but i just couldn't pick up the phone. i wouldn't. my heart screams and is aching so bad. but my mind is telling me that i need to stop needing and wanting you.

you're so near and yet, so far.

"and i wonder if i ever crossed your mind,
for me it happens all the time,
it's a quarter after one, 
i'm a little drunk and i need you now,
said i wouldn't call but i lost all control and i need you now,
and i don't know how i can do without,
i just need you now"

i think about you all the time too ♥

questions

i asked myself this everyday of my life since 14 months and 4 weeks ago. i just didn't want to admit it. i just couldn't accept it. because i have given everything at my best. and so i couldn't understand why you don't see me that way.

it's starting to sink in. really. i thank god for making each day a little more bearable for me. and i thank Him for all the people he sends to me every step of my way.

i need to stop. i will.

ps: i'm sorry my readers will have to bear with all these emotional thoughts at its random. it is, afterall, my only way to salvage my sanity.

broken

i'm falling apart. i'm barely breathing. with a broken heart. that's still beating. in the pain, there is healing. in your name, i find meaning.

watched your dreams like falling stars

I will show you love like you've never loved before
I will go the distance and back for more if you just say the word

You will come alive again and call the trying times your friend
The pain that you have suffered through will never get the best of you
You will hope in something real that won't depend on how you feel
When you call my name then I will answer, answer

I am on your side though the wind and waves beat against your faith
You were on my mind when the world was made
Trust in me my child, Trust in me my child

Walk out on the water where you have no control
So scared to death of failure you sacrifice your soul, please let that go

You have climbed an uphill road, You have worn a heavy load
You have cried through endless nights and nearly given up the fight
Watched your dreams like falling stars the heartaches made you who you are
Now looking back you see that I have always been there

Where you gonna hide? Where you gonna hide from Me?
Where you gonna go? Where you gonna go that I can't see?

I have heard you cry and it breaks my heart for I love you so
I would never lie, this is not the end there is still a hope

i pray

i've never looked to god any more than i do these few days. day 3 without you and i've knelt before god too many a time. i asked for him to give me the strength to get on with life. to give me the courage to live without you. and then i question god. i asked him why he had to put me through all these if he knew it would only end this way and tear me into pieces. i asked why couldn't he made you love me and want me more.

i remember how everytime you touched me, i felt alive. but today, when you did, it only crushed my broken heart ever more.

day 3 - i'm empty.

strangers

we don't say good nights anymore. we don't say i love you anymore. we don't call each other names anymore. we don't say how much we miss each other anymore.

i suppose we don't have to from now on. you and i make the perfect strangers.

ain't enough

i want to kiss you like how we kissed the first time.

i want you to hold me like how you always do.

i want to lay beside you and hear your heart beat close to mine.

i want you to pull me close like how you always do when we sleep at night.

i want to talk to you and fall asleep in your arms.

i want to hold your hand and have you kiss me on my forehead.

i want you to tell me you love me like the first time you said it.

i'm probably the world's most affectionate creature. i want to kiss you all the time. i want to stroll anywhere on earth with you holding your hands. i want to tell you how much i love you every minute. i want to shower my love every moment like as if i can't contain it no more.

but love isn't everything, is it? no.

annihilation

i am my own weapon of self destruction. i don't know why i do it. i don't know why i try so hard to make you hate me. the things that i say. the things that i do. they only seem to cut our wound deeper. but the truth is, i end up hurting myself even more. even i don't get me.

i always thought love was enough to make us work. apparently it wasn't. or. you just didn't love me enough to want me as much as i want you.

i push you away. i can't stand the sight of you. i can't stand being near you. because all i would ever think of is how we could be, perfect. and so i leave. i tear you apart. i tear me apart. and then i destroy you. me. us. because i don't know how to live a life without you in it.

day 2. i died. 

i miss us.

this is pathetic isn't it. it feels as if i have noone to talk to and to cry to. writing, seems like the only way i can relieve myself from this aching endless pain that is killing me silently.

no, i do have friends. and i know they'd be willing to spend eternity telling me what's the best thing to do and to comfort me and tell me that everything will be ok along the way. it's just that i'm getting tired of myself. because i don't listen to anyone. i drown myself with my own thoughts and convince myself that basking in my own misery and sadness is the only way i could ever live again.

i do. i do that to myself all the time. all i want to do is to play sad love songs on my radio. watch sappy movies. lay on the bed and think of you. most of all, i just want to cry everyday. and feel sorry for myself.

its suicidal. i know. but its the only way for me to live, at least for now.

safe

Doesn't even matter to you
To see what I can see
I'm crawling on the floor to reach you
I'm a wreck you see
When you're far from home now
Makes it hard to believe

So how am i supposed to live my life like the dream i have is real.
Why won't you want to keep me safe?

it begins

14 months and 3 weeks.

i say things to comfort people. i tell them the right things to do. the logical, radical thing to do. but i can't tell myself that. because none of my principles would ever apply to myself.

last night i slept well. i thought i wouldn't. but that's only because my eyes couldn't stop tearing. and i drifted into a sea of memories of you and me. those happy, loved ones. and then i fell asleep. because i was safe.

i miss you already.

day 1 has only just begun.

sealed

people write the most beautiful things about love. i guess some people are meant to create beautiful love. ones that make you go aw, or ones that move your heart. the stories about how that one person changes your life in the best possible way. but truthfully, i can't write like that.

mine has always been broken. short lived happiness which only ends in tears. i quit giving myself excuses in your defense. i quit fixing my broken heart time and time again only to have it crushed with my own bare hands.

you love me. and i love you. and a line drawn between those two. the only reason we still hold on to each other is because we want to stay afloat from the grieving waters that we're afraid will drown and pull us down. but the truth is, we hurt each other even more when we're together and yet we find solitude in that pleasure.

maybe this is what's best for us. back to being just friends. you. and me. even though it may seem hard to let go now. even though life seems impossible without you. but i know in the long run, you and i will be a lot happier. it would only end this way. sooner or later.

edinburgh and all the other places we visited together wouldn't be the same without you here with me. i'm grateful for having shared that piece of beautiful memory with you in it.

so let me love you. and miss you. and think of you all the time. and what's more, give me that time to be away from you. let me let go of you.

love always,
your princess♥

ahhh, life :)

ended surgery with having dato taking me for exams :) which turned out ok and not so ok. i just want to pass.

project 'kl and have fun' for 2 days in a row! so completely and utterly exhausted after that. but im glad i did it with you guys :) hearts!

the gig at the actors studio was fantabulous! totally my kind of thing :) i mean who can resist cute guys singing and strumming my heart away with the guitar? haha. and a really gorgeous beautiful girl as well. man, i wished i could play like her. ahhh!

delicious has always been awesome. more so with great company. and i had them. priceless :)

and then, what?!!! murni at ss2?! sighs.

haha. totally love my weekend. best weekend in seremban to date! :D

leaving on a jet plane :)

one of my favourite covers to date :) LOVEEEE her.