i wished time would just stop right now. now, before i trip over and plunge into that god forsaken place.

i have chosen the profession that requires all of me. my heart, my soul, my time, and my entire life. it doesn't even matter that i don't have time for myself. but the truth is, i don't even have time for the people i love. my mum. my aunt. my cousins. my niece. my bestest of friends. it really is so difficult for them to get me to just talk and catch up. everyone says my mum calls me ten times in a day. that was once true. but now our conversations have been so scarce and so superficial that all she could ask me within that limited of time was if i had my lunch or dinner.

instead of caring for my loved ones, my life has been dedicated to serve someone else's loved ones.

i'm not hating them. i'm not mad at those who need my help. i'm just pissed and angry at myself. if only i had more than 24 hours in a day.

i miss being home. just with the people i love.

seriously, if none of you are tired of my emo posts, and my never ending woes and wails and cries for help.. well i am. jeez.. why am i such a dumb fuck.

this time, last year, you and i were in the UK.

boy do i miss it so much. the non scorching sun, the cold wind, beautiful blooming gorgeous flowers and green grass and the ancient buildings and friendly people.

and us. strolling aalong princes street. the meadows. catching a bus. never-ending weekend trips.

edinburgh wouldn't be the same without you.

i guess this is it, eh?

it didn't take you very long to forget me. didn't take you very long to get over me. and it didn't take you very long to stop trying.

from the names we used to call each other, to just a nod along the corridors, or our own formal names.

i guess i didn't make quite an impact on you. maybe i am just another ordinary person who's crossed ur paths. but that's really just all.

goodbye.

why did you have to wait till everything's too late?

why did you have to wait till there's no turning back to say the things i want to hear?

why didn't you fight to keep me? why didn't you treat me the way i deserved to be treated?

why did you have to break my heart again and again and reassure me now with things based on false pretenses?

why didn't you fight for me? fight for us?

it's so easy for me to fall back into what i once knew. so easy for me to fall back into you and believe as if nothing has happened. but i can't. because i know i'd be doing so much of injustice to myself. i don't deserve this. why now, when things have gone  out of hand so much, to a point beyond salvage? why only now when i have made up my mind?

i'm afraid. i am so, very afraid. of taking that leap forwards, away from you, away from us. i sat here, having dinner by myself, and i can't stop thinking of what we'd be eating now together, if we were still us. i just want to wallow in self pity. i'm afraid of leaving the things we've shared together, the times we spent just basking in our love, for now, they will only be a piece of memory left, seated deep within a corner of my mind.

" waiting for you is like waiting for rain in this drought, useless and disappointing "

why did you have to wait for the rain?

i wrote to you and i said, i don't know you anymore and that scares me.

it scares me because i thought i once knew you. what happened to the times that i had always known what you wanted, your thoughts, and what you were gonna do next. people change without them realising it, doesn't matter good or bad, you somehow, become a stranger to another. you may deny and put it to argue with your unfathomable opinions and thoughts. but i feel it. i feel the change.

i've never felt so much hurt and pain before. every thought of you, or at every mention of your name or face, i feel that stab, sunked deep into the core of my beating heart.

i need to get used to not hearing from you anymore, or waiting ror you to text, or call to ask what i feel like eating for dinners, or just you telling me what you were up to and asking how my day was. then again, its been ages, or so it seems, that we last did all that. i am getting there.

i asked myself hundreds and millions of times, if there was anything i could have done differently, or if there was any way i could've made you see me, hear me, or change the course of this relationship that has driven us both apart. and i realised that there was none. i have tried my best. i once gave up trying to change you a year and a half ago, but i came back because i wanted it to work so badly. but i guess, now i have to come to terms with the fact that you can't mix both tea and chocolate together. you and i will never come to a compromise. i believe in what i stand for and what i preach while you will forever be at the very end, clueless of who i am, what i am.

another 6 more weeks and we're going separate ways. i should've read this sign a long time ago. that you will never come home with me, that we will soon be far apart, drowned in our new social circle and the never-ending workload.

if we can't even make it now, i don't see how we can make it in the future.

i'm sure everyone's afraid of being lonely. i know i am. so are you.

i just didn't think that that would be the reason why you held me for so long and allowed me to drown into you like a hopeless victim of a shattered love.

two years of heartache and never-ending screams and cries in a feeble attempt to make you and i work. i just didn't want to take no for an answer. two years down the road, you and i happened. and then the idea of commitment got brutally murdered.

i have tried. i have given in everything i have and own. i wanted it so badly i was ready to give up my entire life for you. i guess i have finally come to accept that you and i were never meant to be. now noone, including myself, would ever blame me for not trying, for not putting up a fight, for not taking matters of fate into my hands. i did. for a long, long time.

they say you can never mend a broken heart. and its true. because you have ripped it all away from me, my heart, my mind, my soul and myself.

i just want to rest. finally.

if i only knew.

i would not have wasted two precious years of my life for you.

i'm done.

Does anybody know
How to hold my heart? 

if there's a way for me to let you go and forget all the things we've had and the memories we've shared, i would do anything for that.

if i could take back those 2 years.

first time scrubbing in! :) nervous, scared, anxious, excited gah! its all a mess! :)

although i only get to hold this and hold that (LOL), suction here and suction there but it was cool.

alrights, back to portfolio. fark that.

Gah! ObsGyn is DRAINING me. this is prolly the only free time i'll ever get ever again throughout this whole week.

it's made me think in a lot of ways. like how i definitely dont want to do O&G at any point in my life anymore. i mean i realise i'm only interested in the babies when they're out and i forget about the mother (at times more like i don't really care heeh!) and the numerous medicolegal issues (dr kathir made it so real today it really freaked me out) and the fact that every obstetrician is loose in the head. seriously.

it prolly is just too demanding to my liking. sure, i guess my life has to be dedicated to my patients. but i only have 24 hours in a day. and i am just as human as anyone else, like each of my patients too. if i don't even have time to take care of myself how am i supposed to care for them. i just suddenly found my abilities so limited :(

then again, things will get a lot more worse in the next few weeks, months and years to come. the ugly truth and reality about working in our government hospital setting.

and as dr kathir says, GET MARRIED SOON. ;)

when we're happy, we're truly happy being together. and i remember why i loved him in the first place - he makes me laugh like no other :)

i remember telling him that night when we fought, to carry on with his own plans in life, and just don't include me in it because i don't ever want to be part of it anymore because i would ocassionally get so fed up and upset. and i was just angry. pissed. and then he said, "but all along, my plan was you".

i love you.

doesn't matter anymore now. your promises remain as lies. your sorrys are merely just words uttered in a feeble attempt to get your way back into me. it don't matter anymore. because you won't ever get it. you won't ever see the flaws within your own self. i can only do this much. i am limited afterall. i don't have so many chances to give, i don't have a lifetime to wait. i am not God.

sure, we're happy a lot of the times, but we're also fighting most of the time. i can only be amazed at how many a times i've forgiven you and taken you back into my life. like i said, there is always a limit. to everything. a woman should never have been treated such by a man, let alone multiple unforgiving times. its sad to see how i am such a fool. an idiot who has succumbed to her own actions and foolish thoughts.

then again, people do stupid foolish things when they're in love. maybe it is time for me to take a step back and look at the bigger picture on the other things that i'm missing in life. by then, it probably won't be you anymore.

i gave my heart to you. i gave you my trust.

please just don't break it.

if You have a plan for me, would You please tell it to me now?

stop these circles for me?

i love that feeling of anticipating for someone, knowing that they'll be here at your end soon. i love that feeling of how they're finally here, and you drive out to pick them up. i love that feeling of how there's so much things you can do with them, even if it's just hanging around at home not doing anything productive.

i love how my mum's here over the weekend. it feels like its been ages since i've gone home. its only been 3 weeks, coming to 4. but maybe its because i've never really gotten that longgggg break at home after an exhausting final exams.

but i hate how she had to leave for home. 800 km away from where i am. i don't suppose i'm ok. i hate sending her down to the cab and watching as it drives out of sight. and then when you come up to the room, it feels empty. just you and that silence. and maybe that youtube video that you'd play it over and over again.

home. 4 days. :)

and so we put our hands together, and pray .. pray for the people of Japan, pray for the world. 

may there be peace on earth. 

the best place to fall asleep is in your arms.

you are my favourite past time :)

i love you.

one week down. it really is fast. and i'm tired already.

adjustment disorder? TOTALLY.

i really do like this town a lot better than seremban (apart from the fact that its further away from home and so i dont get to go home that often and even if i could i wouldnt know how to because everything is so far away and driving takes forever). still trying to get around the place, getting familiar with things, especially mandarin! i must say my mandarin isn't all thattttt bad (LOL!).

i dont know why but i just dont feel like doing anything at all. its either things still haven't quite settled in, or is it because of the overwhelming workload that i'd rather have to run away from it or is it the fact that i'm horribly ill now. farrrrrrking cold and sinusitis and cough shitz (what more combinations can anyone ever ask for?)

i wished he didn't have to go home this week :( i had in my mind even at the start of the week of the things we could do, it's almost like i planned it out so perfectly well already. that japanese restaurant we must must must go to! :) he and i both have this weird taste for japanese food. heh. and then i'd like to bring him shopping (not that batu pahat has a lot of choices to offer but mehhhhh, better than none - secretly waiting for singapore!) because he so needs a wardrobe makeover! then again, it's ok. i suppose we have forever. :)

why am i tired all the time again? growls. i wished i was more UP AND ABOUT! mehhhh.

maya's birthday tonight. two movies tomorrow. and a portfolio to write up (SO SOONNNN??! YES LAH WAT THE FARKKKK).

ps: i miss you already. i missed you yesterday. today. tomorrow. and always ♥

so yes, i passed semester 9. already in semester 10. and it only gets tougher.

shifting to batu pahat here wasn't easy at all. growls. im glad i had mummy and daddy with me :)

and then i had to fall sick and be completely lightheaded and tired and headache with a stupid stuffed nose its irritating!

i wished we were given more time to adjust to things around here and not just throw at us the psychotically heavy workload immediately. sighs.

i do like my new house. my new room. the better food and a wide array of choices to pick from! :)

i only wished he would spend a few minutes of his busy life with me. am i not worth that 15 minutes out of his life?

don't let it be the end, but let it be the beginning of another chapter please?

which in this case means, LET ME GO TO BATU PAHAT LIKE NEXT WEEK!

and so will we all. everyone. not a single soul left behind. tonight i will pray. we will all be okay.