torn

i should've known better how to keep my heart safe where it is. i guess i don't ever learn. 

maybe i was an easy target. too easy to get by. so eagerly waiting to be hurt. i wished i knew better. i wished i was stronger than this.

2 months was a relatively fast and short time to really get to know a person. but i guess i was just so comfortable with you that the express lane was such a comfortable ride to be in with you. seemed almost ridiculous that we'd spent so much time talking (and texting) that it feels like we could do this forever. even more ridiculous that at one point, everything just seemed to fit in. YOU seemed to have fit into the missing puzzle pieces. funny. but true.

and then, we have that "why you, why now" question. how infamous in our daily conversations. God has really funny ways of showing things. and sometimes i get mad at Him for messing my life up so much. if only He could just direct me to that right place for once and id swear id forever be grateful lah. i don't need to have reasons to be angry with God. but why you, why now?

why you, of all people. we've known each other for a freakin 6 months and nothing's happened. we'd see each other along the corridors and just smile and that casual hi-bye gesture. we'd see each other in the clinic and again, nothing. we'd be on call together too, and even more so, nothing. and it just had to completely swirl out of hands on that one fine day. which wasn't even really thatttt fine after all. why you, when you've had to lose someone the way you lost her, only to end up here at such a stupid cross road with me - ready to be hurt again. why you, when you deserve all the love and happiness in the world after all that you've been through.

why now, when things just seemed to go about as wrong as it can be with him? is this some sort of sign or what - i don't understand. why now, when it could've been like a year ago, or two. or way before all these. or way after.

God can get pretty funny sometimes.

i don't know how again did it spiral completely out of control. that we seemed to have lost it all in such a short time again. all it took was just a simple, stupid line in our conversation to blow everything apart. i wished you would just stop defending yourself so much and try so hard to make up excuses for saying what you said. if you had just owned up to it and apologised, i would've took that first step with you. i just wished you knew how much faith i had in you.

maybe i wasn't good enough as she were for you. i'm sorry, truly sorry. but i cannot be the one to fill in that empty space she left in your heart. i can accept that she was a huge part of your life. and that i have never once questioned that place she has in your heart. i only wished i had that special place right next to her, with you.

it hurts me so much when you said the things you said. hurts me even more when you tell me how much you miss me. but i cannot un-do all that has happened.

maybe one day, given time, when we are ready and better prepared for each other, that we'd find each other again like we did on the 4th of august. 

i miss you too, stitch. so much, i wished you knew. xoxo