So near yet so far

I remember the day when our eyes first met. When you first smiled across the table at me and offered me a piece of tissue (cheesy really, but that got you the girl, didn't it?) I've known you all my life, it's amazing how we met again on that one beautiful day.

What I love about you? They say you don't need any valid reason to love someone. I don't have them all listed down either.

I love you for your patience and kindness. You have showered me with these two qualities that you possess so freely for the last 3 years and I could not be anymore grateful to God for having sent you into my life. The last 3 years wouldn't have been the same without your presence. I may not have been the best girlfriend in the world. I know I've been a pain in the ass royal highness since the dawn of time and yet, you've found ways to put up with all my madness. Not only with my horrible, demanding ways, you've also been utterly patient with my work and my crazy schedule. For that, I'd be eternally grateful and I cannot have felt more blessed in my life.

We talked about getting married and building a family together. Having kids and growing old, holding each others hands as we take our last stroll at the park. Ive always wanted that so much, so badly for the two of us. I didn't know how badly I wanted us to work out until then. It's amazing how much we've been through together and how much we've grown as individuals as well. I know I've learnt so much from you. I don't know if I had that much to offer you, but I hoped I've helped you to grow not only side ways, but much more as a person.

I guess we both know it wasn't a bed of roses either. The past 3 years have been a battle, not only with ourselves but the social circumstances that haunted us. Mum has been the biggest factor as to why we couldn't always hangout like normal couples do. And also part of the reason why our relationship Is always stuck at where it is. It's funny because i actually do seem to get where she's coming from and part of me does want the things she wants for me - someone stable and secure
financially, and generally a good man who would love me just as much as I love him and who's able to take care of me and the kids for the rest of our lives. You are a good man, I have never doubted you. But I guess we both know where our problem is. I am here, and you're there. I've tried baby, believe me I've tried when I said we'd give us a chance. Somehow, things just seem to go nowhere even after all these times.

And as I get older, I've come to realize that love isn't everything. Sure, love is the reason why people fall in love in the first place, but there are other fundamental elements as well in keeping a marriage alive. I think at some point of time, we'd both have to be realistic.

I don't know where we're headed to all of a sudden. There's just too any uncertainties clouding our relationship. At times, I stop to think that because I love you so much, I owe this to you - because I love you so much, I'd want you to find the girl who can accept you for the things you are and be satisfied with it, rather than have you die trying to be someone I want you to be.

I wished I knew the ending to our great love story. I wished I knew what to do next as well. I love you so much, and please do know that no matter what happens in the future, I will always have your back and I will always remember the beautiful memories we shared.

I love you.

torn

i should've known better how to keep my heart safe where it is. i guess i don't ever learn. 

maybe i was an easy target. too easy to get by. so eagerly waiting to be hurt. i wished i knew better. i wished i was stronger than this.

2 months was a relatively fast and short time to really get to know a person. but i guess i was just so comfortable with you that the express lane was such a comfortable ride to be in with you. seemed almost ridiculous that we'd spent so much time talking (and texting) that it feels like we could do this forever. even more ridiculous that at one point, everything just seemed to fit in. YOU seemed to have fit into the missing puzzle pieces. funny. but true.

and then, we have that "why you, why now" question. how infamous in our daily conversations. God has really funny ways of showing things. and sometimes i get mad at Him for messing my life up so much. if only He could just direct me to that right place for once and id swear id forever be grateful lah. i don't need to have reasons to be angry with God. but why you, why now?

why you, of all people. we've known each other for a freakin 6 months and nothing's happened. we'd see each other along the corridors and just smile and that casual hi-bye gesture. we'd see each other in the clinic and again, nothing. we'd be on call together too, and even more so, nothing. and it just had to completely swirl out of hands on that one fine day. which wasn't even really thatttt fine after all. why you, when you've had to lose someone the way you lost her, only to end up here at such a stupid cross road with me - ready to be hurt again. why you, when you deserve all the love and happiness in the world after all that you've been through.

why now, when things just seemed to go about as wrong as it can be with him? is this some sort of sign or what - i don't understand. why now, when it could've been like a year ago, or two. or way before all these. or way after.

God can get pretty funny sometimes.

i don't know how again did it spiral completely out of control. that we seemed to have lost it all in such a short time again. all it took was just a simple, stupid line in our conversation to blow everything apart. i wished you would just stop defending yourself so much and try so hard to make up excuses for saying what you said. if you had just owned up to it and apologised, i would've took that first step with you. i just wished you knew how much faith i had in you.

maybe i wasn't good enough as she were for you. i'm sorry, truly sorry. but i cannot be the one to fill in that empty space she left in your heart. i can accept that she was a huge part of your life. and that i have never once questioned that place she has in your heart. i only wished i had that special place right next to her, with you.

it hurts me so much when you said the things you said. hurts me even more when you tell me how much you miss me. but i cannot un-do all that has happened.

maybe one day, given time, when we are ready and better prepared for each other, that we'd find each other again like we did on the 4th of august. 

i miss you too, stitch. so much, i wished you knew. xoxo

confused.

funny how god works. you can never understand Him while youre at it. i wished i knew what to do because its driving me crazy. 

how did it happen without any signs at all?

 

why you. why now. 

bubbly toes...

I'm sorry i hadn't have much to write in here. it isn't that i don't have the time, but more like i waste it on spending time with him, watching vampire diaries (which has now become like the first thing i do when i get home after work!) or just bumming about and roaming the city, hunting for new street cafes around town. i have yet to turn this into a food blog because i don't have a proper camera to do so and because I wouldn't trust myself to blog on a food post every week or so (i mean who am i to kid right, i don't even have time to shit pfft and so it would've defeated the purpose of a food blog).

so i passed my part 1. yes, i cried like a baby when i read the result online. and no, I'm not trying to brag here but its because i take so much pride in the effort and work I've put in given the excruciatingly painful and stressful circumstances that I'm in. it is, actually, possible. and then, i became broke in just a month because i was pampering myself with retail therapy (yes because i totally deserved it!) and AUSTRALIA happened! 

how beautiful the land down under :) i could, possibly live there. and i am glad we made the trip around melbourne and sydney on our own this time. no tour guides, no buses to catch on time, no 30 mins meal to gobble down because we're on a tight schedule. no 5 min pit stops just to take pictures and prove that oh! i was here. no, none of that. it was a really casual, at-our-own-pace holiday. but my mum could've been a bit less dramatic, less grumpy and less expecting that I've lived in this city for like the entire years of my life. i mean seriously. 

along the Great Ocean Road. it really is amazing. :) i could live in Port Campbell all my life and watch the sunset and sunrise and the ocean everyday. 

the 12 apostles! there are only 8 of em currently though :) 

whats a trip to aussie without feeding some hungry kangaroos! :D

at the south bank promenade, watching the sunset behind the melbourne skyline :) i did enjoy melbourne so much because i think it really is such a vibrant and cool city to live in! 

 say hello to the sydney opera house! :) 

enjoying a cuppa special chocolate yum yum at the guylian chocolate cafe by the harbour! lurvessss maximus! :) 

needless to say, sydney wouldn't be complete without the harbour bridge picture. if it weren't so expensive to do the climb up the bridge, i definitely would've done it! :D 

so yes, australia was amazing. wished we had more time. i will definitely be back. maybe gold coast, perth and like the real australian outback in darwin? :D 

so after all that traveling, i came back to work with serious withdrawal symptoms (as always). i am really broke so i can't quite find the courage to plan for the next one yet. maybe .... halong bay and hanoi with mum next year? taiwan with him? hee :) 

enough...

Really, enough is enough. 

Cant anyone see that i am freakin, crazily tired. 

i can't do it all in a day. I'm no wonder woman. i have no supernatural powers. I'm not harry potter. 

a wooden stick would ultimately break if we persistently try to snap it no matter how strong it is. 

and i will too. 

let me go. just this once. 

a beginning to an end

2014 didn't quite start out the way i wanted it to. i remember i had a set of goals that i needed to achieve this year and i was penning it down halfway through. but unfortunately, I've never gotten the chance to put it down here due to some turn of events and i think that moment has probably passed. so i think i should just rest it. 

it's March only. (already?) i don't know. I'm a bit confused if i'd thought that was fast or slow. things didn't quite turn out the way i wanted it to. and I've been doing a lot of thinking, and crying. i mean, coming from someone who probably hasn't met with failure her entire life. i remember sitting down on my bed, and staring at the word. i was... somehow, empty. like i didn't know what to feel. i know i sort of saw it coming, but you know how people always say nahhh, you'll do fine. you always do. and you keep telling yourself like yeah, maybeeee, just mayyyyybe, id be ok. but no, i was not ok at all. i don't think a lot of people understood where i was coming from. he didn't either. and i think that made it all worse for me. i was alone. and i didn't know how to tell people. and even if i did, what could they have said more but its ok, don't give up, try again... yada yada yada. and for once in my life, i lost faith in myself, and in god. i asked him everyday if i did not deserve it as much as everyone else. i worked twice as hard, and i had so much to juggle with at home, and in my life. i had a crazy mum to handle, a broken home to mend, and a whole lot more of load on my shoulders to take care of. but i stayed twice stronger than anyone else. so i asked myself everyday for 2 weeks why didn't god love me as much as he loved them. i was broken. 

took me 2 whole weeks. and another 2 to come to my senses. not that i really am at my senses right now still. but.. agh, life goes on whether you like it or not. 

its been 5 months, since i ended my housemanship. I've been a floating MO ever since. i.e. you're neither a permanent MO, nor a houseman. so hence, the word floating. anaesthesia just isn't my thing. especially with what was going on in this stupid hospital. i hope its just this hospital. so much of politics, back-stabbing, gossips and just plain aunty antiques. URGHH. irks me to my core. seriously people, if you don't have a job, go get one. 

and JKN penang isn't doing such a pretty job either. it had to take them 5 months to realise that the letter from KKM was missing, and then hold a meeting to decide where they'd like to chuck us to, and come up with the letters. and they had to come up with it at this time when I'm due for my long awaited holiday trip to Redang with my girls and boy. fish you. so pissed. they only have 5 lines for you every time you call to get updates.

1. maaf lah, encik H takde kat tempat dia. tak tau bile balik.

2. ohh, encik H cuti hari ni. dia je yang tau tentang penempatan.

3. sorry ye, tapi encik H baru keluar. rasenya meeting kut. tak tau brapa lama.

4. encik H tak masuk kerje hari ni. dia cuti.

5. ohhh encik H dah balik dahhhh. dah pukul 5 ni. (i looked at my watch, it was 455pm)

and now, finally. bukit mertajam hospital. across the bridge. yay to partial freedom. urghhh to being super duper scared. 

it feels like a small burden off the shoulder. but I'm sure theres a bigger one coming. nonetheless, stay positive. evelynn said to me, follow your heart. it wouldn't take you off that far. yep :) 

i always tell people to have faith. its coming back to me now. and I'm sure god has plans for everyone. i know he has a plan for me too. :)

and thank you for the ones who's being there the past month. you know who you are. :)