a beginning to an end

2014 didn't quite start out the way i wanted it to. i remember i had a set of goals that i needed to achieve this year and i was penning it down halfway through. but unfortunately, I've never gotten the chance to put it down here due to some turn of events and i think that moment has probably passed. so i think i should just rest it. 

it's March only. (already?) i don't know. I'm a bit confused if i'd thought that was fast or slow. things didn't quite turn out the way i wanted it to. and I've been doing a lot of thinking, and crying. i mean, coming from someone who probably hasn't met with failure her entire life. i remember sitting down on my bed, and staring at the word. i was... somehow, empty. like i didn't know what to feel. i know i sort of saw it coming, but you know how people always say nahhh, you'll do fine. you always do. and you keep telling yourself like yeah, maybeeee, just mayyyyybe, id be ok. but no, i was not ok at all. i don't think a lot of people understood where i was coming from. he didn't either. and i think that made it all worse for me. i was alone. and i didn't know how to tell people. and even if i did, what could they have said more but its ok, don't give up, try again... yada yada yada. and for once in my life, i lost faith in myself, and in god. i asked him everyday if i did not deserve it as much as everyone else. i worked twice as hard, and i had so much to juggle with at home, and in my life. i had a crazy mum to handle, a broken home to mend, and a whole lot more of load on my shoulders to take care of. but i stayed twice stronger than anyone else. so i asked myself everyday for 2 weeks why didn't god love me as much as he loved them. i was broken. 

took me 2 whole weeks. and another 2 to come to my senses. not that i really am at my senses right now still. but.. agh, life goes on whether you like it or not. 

its been 5 months, since i ended my housemanship. I've been a floating MO ever since. i.e. you're neither a permanent MO, nor a houseman. so hence, the word floating. anaesthesia just isn't my thing. especially with what was going on in this stupid hospital. i hope its just this hospital. so much of politics, back-stabbing, gossips and just plain aunty antiques. URGHH. irks me to my core. seriously people, if you don't have a job, go get one. 

and JKN penang isn't doing such a pretty job either. it had to take them 5 months to realise that the letter from KKM was missing, and then hold a meeting to decide where they'd like to chuck us to, and come up with the letters. and they had to come up with it at this time when I'm due for my long awaited holiday trip to Redang with my girls and boy. fish you. so pissed. they only have 5 lines for you every time you call to get updates.

1. maaf lah, encik H takde kat tempat dia. tak tau bile balik.

2. ohh, encik H cuti hari ni. dia je yang tau tentang penempatan.

3. sorry ye, tapi encik H baru keluar. rasenya meeting kut. tak tau brapa lama.

4. encik H tak masuk kerje hari ni. dia cuti.

5. ohhh encik H dah balik dahhhh. dah pukul 5 ni. (i looked at my watch, it was 455pm)

and now, finally. bukit mertajam hospital. across the bridge. yay to partial freedom. urghhh to being super duper scared. 

it feels like a small burden off the shoulder. but I'm sure theres a bigger one coming. nonetheless, stay positive. evelynn said to me, follow your heart. it wouldn't take you off that far. yep :) 

i always tell people to have faith. its coming back to me now. and I'm sure god has plans for everyone. i know he has a plan for me too. :)

and thank you for the ones who's being there the past month. you know who you are. :)