ache

today, i cried. today, i finally cried. today, i finally cried over you. it felt like the tears were just waiting for its time to weigh down. i sat at the airport today. you never called. you never texted. you never bothered to ask how i was doing the whole day. the whole week. it felt like ages to me when you don't. my nights felt empty. and as i kept telling myself that you probably won't care anymore, i kept that tiny flicker of hope inside my heart. hoping, waiting. but you never showed. and i so i sat at the airport today. waiting to go home, to get away from it all. to get away from you. i sat alone, and i started crying in the midst of the buzzing life surrounding me. i walked, hurriedly to the washroom, locked the door behind me. pulled out my pieces of tissues. and started crying. for once in my entire life, my heart ached so badly. you stabbed me once, and now you stabbed me twice. the piercing sound of that sharp knife you put through my heart. that endless tears rolling down my cheeks. i don't know how you bear to see me cry. i don't know and don't understand how you could put me through this. why? i loved you. i did.


but you thought i never cared..

Someday this will all make sense. Someday i will be loved. Someday this pain will be useful to me. Someday i'll understand. Someday i will look back and miss this period in my life. Someday, somewhere, somehow, someone. But what if it doesn't happen...how do you know?

and i wonder if i ever cross your mind?

for me it happens all the time..

Sometime i wish you didn't exist, just so i could have something else to think about. Sometimes i wish you didn't exist, just so i could find another reason to smile. Sometimes i wish you didn't exist, just so i wouldn't compare every guy to you. Sometimes i wish you didn't exist, just so i could cry for someone else. Sometimes i wish you didn't exist, just so i could find another meaning for music. Sometimes i wish you didn't exist, just so i could sleep at night. Sometimes i wish you didn't exist, just so i could be able to love again.

you tell me that you love me. you tell me that you want me. but you can't. we can't. because we're different. in so many ways. but then again, isn't that why opposites attract? isn't that what makes us, us, in all the different ways? it may seem to have slipped your mind. but every word and every letter in that letter of mine carried the weight of my heart. you probably don't remember it anymore. if you did love me and if you still do, why don't you want to fight for me? why won't you stand up and tell me, convince me, that you want to make this work? why would you give up if you had wanted me so badly? and so i am asking, am i not worth it? am i not worth giving up certain things in your life for? am i not worth sweating for? am i not worth the love and the time and the tender loving care?
 
am i really that worthless? 

leave

fall in love with me

"If you are going to fall in love with me, it's only fair that you know what you're falling in love with. You are falling in love with my insecurities, and my obsession of trying to figure out what everyone thinks of me. You are falling in love with my immaturity, my constant need to feel loved and appreciated, my overactive tear ducts, my internet obssesion, my tendency to be too clingy. You fall in love with my troubled past, my hopes and dreams, and how i'm a hopeless romantic at heart. If you fall in love with me, you fall in love with my self-hate and all my imperfections and perception that nobody could ever love me. But, you are also falling in love with the way my eyes will smile when i'm with you, the way i'll text you in the mornings just telling you i hope you have a great day. You are falling in love with the occasionally humorous and/or thought provoking things i say, and the way i blush when people ask me about you. But to me, the most important thing will be, that you are falling in love with me, despite my thinking that it is impossible."

funnies

this one's for you :)

"So maybe you do still cry over him. Maybe it still kills you inside when you see him with that other girl. But you know, the truth is, he's the one that's going to be dying inside, because sooner or later, he's gonna realize that he missed out."

Rawr!!

"At some point, you will realize that you have done too much for someone, that the only next possible step to do is to stop. Leave them alone, walk away. It's not like you're giving up, and it's not like you shouldn't try. It's just that you have to draw the line between determination from desperation. What is truly yours, will eventually be yours, and what is not, no matter how hard you try, will never be."

 

"I wanna make you smile whenever you’re sad, carry you around when your arthritis is bad. I’ll get your medicine when your tummy aches; build you a fire if the furnace breaks. I’ll miss you, kiss you, give you my coat when you are cold. Need you, feed you, I’ll even let you hold the remote control. So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink, put you to bed when you’ve had too much to drink. All I wanna do is grow old with you."

-The Wedding Singer-

This goes out to all of the people who have been broken but have been strong enough to let go

For the people who have hurt so badly that they felt they could never love again, but kept their head up.

For those who feel like going back to their old lover would put all the pieces back where they belong and everything would fit, but accept the cold hard truth instead.

For the people that learn from their mistakes and never stop moving forward, even when they take two steps back.

For the people that wish loneliness wasn’t a part of them, but put up with it anyhow.

For the people that are okay with taking up all of the room in the bed, even if sometimes it feels a little empty.

For the people who wake up in the morning with no missed calls, but smile anyway.

For the people that periodically miss the past, but are so much more excited for the future.

For the people that have wounds still healing.

For the people that have so much tied to their past relationship, but break those chains to start fresh.

For the people that want to look back so badly, but focus on the road ahead.

For the people that pick up the phone so tempted to call, but keep their dignity in tact instead.

For the people that never wanted to let go, but had to.

For the people that still believe in love even after all of the hurt their heart has endured.

For all the people that gave up not because they were weak, but because most times it’s better just to let go.

We’ll get our happy ending someday.

 

"Little pieces of you get chipped away by another person, and you shave little pieces of yourself away so that you’ll fit together, then one day you look up and you don’t even know who you are."

 

Patient, Grey’s Anatomy

"What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction."

Chuck Palahniuk

what if it's the most that i can do? what if i am only so much? and that there's only that much i can do.
pau said to me that i can only expect that much from myself, and i need to somehow, come to terms with the fact that i can't own everything. i can't be on top of everything. i can't have it all my way. reality is harsh. a fact. i know. i just don't know why i can't stop trying and wanting that much more for myself that i don't want to give up. but i'm tired. the years have weighed me down.

maybe i am getting old afterall. at 22? shrugs. maybe.

"You will notice me
I'll be leavin' my mark, like initials carved in an old oak tree
you wait and see
maybe I'll write like Twain wrote
maybe I'll paint like Van Gough,
cure the common cold
i don't know but I'm ready to start cuz i know in my heart

I wanna do something that matters
say something different
something that sets the whole world on it's ear
i wanna do somethin better, with the time i've been given
and i wanna try to touch a few hearts in this life
and leave nothin less that something that says i was here

I will prove you wrong
if you think im all talk, you're in for a shock
cuz this streams too strong, and before too long
maybe i'll compose symphonies
maybe i'll fight for world peace
cuz i know it's my destiny to leave more that a trace of myself in this  place"

i want for us to work out so bad because i want you...

I don’t pretend to know what love is for everyone, but I can tell you what it is for me. Love is knowing all about someone, and still wanting to be with them more than any other person. Love is trusting them enough to tell them everything about yourself, including the things you might be ashamed of. love is feeling comfortable and safe with someone, but still getting weak knees when they walk into a room and smile at you.

The OC

i want you to be my sun, and i your moon

I know you don’t think of me. And you certainly would never picture us together, but probably peanut butter was just peanut butter before someone ever thought of pairing it up with jelly. And there was salt, but it started to taste better when there was pepper. And what’s the point of butter without bread? Anyway, by myself, I’m nothing special. But with you, I think I could be.

the breaking truth

"There are some things we do because we convince ourselves that it would be better for everyone involved. We tell ourselves that it's the right thing to do, the altruistic thing to do. It's easier than telling ourselves the truth."

- My Sister's Keeper -

why couldn't you think of me that way?

breathe

 kar how said to me,

"why don't you just take a break, breathe, and take that time to find out what you really want."

i will do that. i know it deep within, i just needed someone to reinforce that in me. and it definitely is starting to make sense. this is the ME period :)

ps: breathe kar how, breathe. relaxation technique please remember! or google it :)