the hardest thing to do

he and i haven't had such a long, heartfelt conversation in a long long time. then again, it's not like we ever really spoke openly about how we felt before. then again, i'm sure i did. i just never got to hear it from him.

and i realized that there were so many things that were left unsaid. so many things i wished i'd hear before it had to resolve to this. can't help but to keep asking myself "what if" and "why didn't you".

why didn't you tell me this before

why didn't you assure me of all this before

why didn't you tell me how important i was before

why didn't you tell me how much you liked me before

why didn't you tell me all the things i want to hear before

why didn't you hold my hand when we were out before

why didn't you tell me how i held that special place in your heart

why didn't you tell me how you really want to care

why didn't you tell me how much i mattered to you

sigh. it just had to come down to this, hadn't it. i just want him to know that it took a lot out of me to make the decision i made 3 months ago. even if it meant that it was tearing me apart, breaking my every soul in me. it just wasn't enough for me. all that frustration and anger and him not understanding what i want. and in the end, i realized we would sooner have to resort to this. it would only end up this way if we kept it longer. i didn't want to change him. i couldn't bring myself to do it. i didn't want to be that psychotic bitchy girl friend who controlled every part of his life. because in the end, he would only resent me for the things i made him do. it took me long enough to realise that we both wanted different things. we were different. he would always be so laid back about everything else. and i would be that uptight-dislodged-screw-in-the-head girl.

it was painful. it still is. and as selfish as i am (and i'm sure any other girl would say the same), i'm still demanding all i can from him. it's not fair. i know. he only wants to be happy too. so do i. and my pursuit for happiness was at his expense. i should stop. trying.

i said to him. even if it meant we were moving on. or we are two separate individuals now. he will always have that special place in my heart. no matter what. i will be there. through all despairs. i've got his back. and i know he's got mine too :)

the high and the low

I AM OFFICIALLY MOVING ON TO 5TH YEAR IN MEDICAL SCHOOL!

thank you to all who believed in me. who had so much of faith in me. whose hope and belief never did waver. and who supported me in every possible way from the very beginning of this madness till its very last bit.

mum, for her undying love and support! :) wouldn't have made it through without her definitely. literally my maid for an entire week. breaks my heart to see her work so much for me :( love you mum.

mich, for those emails, and the words of encouragement. wonder how you kept them coming when i'm always whining and complaining. thank you for just believing that i can do this and those prayers i made you do for me :)

sooi! for constantly asking me how i was doing on msn and for putting up with my MIA acts, and still not giving up on me. and for just being there anytime i needed you. :)

ho, kw, lams, surin, viv, avinder, bo, chicken, pik - i'm glad we pulled through this together. all those sleep-deprived days and palpitations and panic attacks! whining and complaining. but most importantly, keeping each other going every minute of the day :) WE DID IT!

say hello to semester 8 and semester 9! :) say hello to EDINBURGH! lee kah weng, i told you we'd be going together didnt i? rolls eyes. and italy :) and london and old trafford :) and my beloved ireland :)

it's been a crazy week and month altogether. its like this drought that is sucking every bit of life in me. finally deserve this rest. and chinese new year. it all still feels so surreal. like i just got out of a really bad dream, into this wonderful perfect bliss! :)

don't feel all too chinese new year-ish this year though. can one ever get bored of celebrating it? i feel like i already am. wonder how i'd be able to celebrate 70 years of that. then again who says i'd live till 70. haha.

back at home now. on my comfy couch. watching tv. surfing the net. ahh, what a wonderful treat to long, hard and tiring month. i'm lovin' it :)

and i plead

"i suppose it means that you meant a lot to me. and you still do. because i knew we shared that special something not too long ago. it just didn't work out as i had wanted it so badly to. and maybe you were the first person that i wanted to care so much for. that first person i wanted to give all my love to. it just didnt happen. i just want you to know that you will always mean something to me even when we've moved on. i will always have that place for you in me. i just don't understand how you can hurt me again and again and again. it does not make sense what you say. it's all contradicting. i don't know how you can tell me about how much you care for me and yet you have the heart to see me cry.

and so i plead, for you, to not break my heart again. once is more than enough. just don't. "