When Its At Your Feet

tomorrow's the start of a new semester. i'm hating it. i am absolutely HATING it.

there's no lams, no surin, no kw, no pik, no bo!! ARGH!

the only thing worth rejoicing is that i still have the ho :) LOL.

and that it's paeds i'm starting with bcos i love it. and i HOPE i still do after the 5 weeks.

can't believe facing "IT" for a whole 6 months. why do all bad guys end up together. seriously.

wish me luck.

pray for me.

goodnite world.

♥ Michelle ♥

my best friend michelle left for Galway on Tuesday. yes, finally after 9 months of bumming at home and complaining about doing nothing at all (she doesn't understand that i'd trade ANYTHING for that seriously).

i was sitting at the airport for almost 5 hours alone. seriously, KLIA needs a bloody starbucks or coffee bean. i had to sit at mcdonald's totally uncomfy chair which ached my butt. i was thinking a lot about how mich and i might never contact each other that frequently anymore, as much as we want to. the workload that is bound to be pouring all over our shoulders once i start class again (EOS 7!!) and hers too. i know the distance and time difference wouldn't kill our spirits as long as we want to. so yes, i'm trying to keep a positive attitude about how things will stay the same as much as possible despite the fact that we're continents apart. i really made it sound like some tragic love story isn't it? LOL. and then i was thinking about all that had happened in the past 2.5 years back in imu bukit jalil. all the great times with her and surin. i miss them. it suddenly feels like we've grown a lot.

we didn't exactly click right away during orientation. i thought she was sort of a Dolores Umbridge though. LOL. and then i remember all the fun that we had while dancing, practising, dressing up as idiots and acting like one, and all that embarrassing moments. mich, i was glad you were with me then to help keep my sanity in check when satvinder had to pretend to get the egg out of my bottom during the sketch :D LOL.

it's just weird how we always read each others' minds. she agrees with that too. and we have so many things in common that at times it's really scary!! haha. but i love it :) feels great to have someone to share the same thoughts, same opinion and same interests. we always seem to agree with the same thing, and even when we don't, we'd just go "shut up, bitch" to each other. HAHAHAHA.. and just laugh it off at the end.

it's like she speaks for me when i fail to find the right words to say, when i fail to express myself. she just knows exactly how i feel and then with so little effort, string them into one sentence and then i'd go "yes mich. that's exactly how i feel now". it's funny because she just knows me so well! more than i know myself at times. she's like that inner voice inside me, that subconscious part of me.

and i miss those sleepovers at lot 567 or is it 456??!!!!! god! EVERYTIME. lol. i'm sorry darling, i know i will WILL remember it soon enough. :D that psychotically comfy bed made for a princess, that lousy stupid laptop you have (thank god you got a new one), those nail painting sessions, Pride and Prejudice back to backs!! those wonderfully delicious breakfast, lunch, tea and dinner by Phoebe and mummy and that Uzbekistan lady with her pork leg!!! OOOoomphh! and tia! you know i love her despite all that chasing me around. LOL. thank you mich for everything. you have been too generous with me really. love you!

sigh. like i said to you mich, no words would ever justify all that we've had, the great times we've shared and the wonderful moments that i will remember forever =) mich, good luck in Galway. i wish for all that is best for you there and everywhere you go! =) i will be thinking of you everyday and praying. love you always!!

The Notebook ♥

kar how said to me "wahh you really outdated also hor..this movie is like 2004?!"

and i'm like "yeah, shut up."

LOL.

FINALLY managed to finish downloading "The Notebook". and yes, i cried like a baby (hate it when you're right kar). Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gossling did a BEAUTIFUL job i must say. i thought their acting were brilliant. absolutely. especially rachel. she was soooooo Allie. it isn't your regular normal chick flick really. i mean yes, the storyline is pretty simple, the country boy and the city girl who both fell so madly in love with each other - oh what a summer romance! LOL. yes, it's all that and MORE.

i would want to grow old with the one i love like that. i would love for him to wait for me for 7 years. i would love for him to write me 365 letters in a year and then never stop loving me each day. i would love to spend the whole summer frolicking away in the beach with him. i would love to runaway from home and stay up till 2 am with him. i would love for him to ask me out on a date, just hanging with a hand on the steel bar on the ferris wheel, i would love to dance with him on the streets, i would love that boat ride with him on that river filled with little ducklings in summer/spring, i would love to kiss him in the rain and wished it would never end, i would love him to read to me our love story when i have dementia at the age of 70, and most of all, i would love how he loved me just the same throughout the years.

and yes, it's the same author who gave us "A Walk to Remember". complete genius in romance novels this dude, Nicholas Sparks. i think i cried as much as i did for a walk to remember. very, very VERY touching.

if you haven't watched it, you must! i'd give a 10/10 for acting, and a 9/10 for its plot. BEAUTIFUL movie. period.

"it's not gonna be easy, it's gonna be really hard,
but we're gonna have to work at this everyday,
but i wanna do that, because i want you,
all of you..forever" ♥♥♥

Wonderful Tonight :)

i could faint. i could die. my heart could stop beating. my heart could flutter and fibrillate. my heart could sing!!!!!! ♥♥♥

i totally melt.

he sang "Wonderful Tonight" by Eric Clapton to me!!! *gasp + shrieks*

♥♥♥♥♥♥

anyways, today has been busy. busy entertaining friends and myself. LOL. ok maybe more of myself. hee! had lunch with han yin and jasmin. she's flying back to russia this wednesday and it'll be another year till i see her again :( so much has changed since yamaha, digital, CML and Senzation days. we've really all grown up! :S

and then i woke up really early this morning to go to the hospital to get my tuberculin skin test results. darn thing! and then had to go back to my GP to get him to certify everything. it really is a gruesome process! FUH!!

and then i had my guitar lesson at 530pm. as always, it is AWESOME!!! :) and oh oh oh!!!! my first time playing on an electric guitar!!! IT'S DAMN AWESOOOMMMMMEEE AND COOOOLL!!!!!!!

and then i had to go shopping to buy some stuff for mich. will be seeing her tomorrow to send her off. definitely NOT a happy thought :(

and so here i am :D

i'm tired. but i'm loving my day. wished i could play my guitar all day long :)

My Guitar Heroes :)

i am officially in love ♥♥♥ with:

1) my own Yamaha guitar ♥♥♥

2) my guitar

3) my guitar

4) BOTH my guitar teachers :)

5) my guitar

Faizal taught me how to play viva la vida today :D IT'S BLOODY GOOD! and then he taught me love story!!!! I COULD DIE!! omg omg omg omg omg OMG! i love love love love!! :)

Damon taught me god bless the broken road :) and yes, he will teach me tonight i wanna cry the next class!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! *shrieks*

like it was soooo awesome to see faizal playing john mayer's your body is a wonderland. i'm like gasping for air. and he played kiss me by sixpense none the richer. and he played more than words. and i just stared in aww!!! and wondered when i'll ever be that good. and when damon sang god bless the broken road, i swear my heart just stopped!!!!

dear god, why can't all guys know how to play the guitar??!!! i think i desperately need to be serenaded to everyday!!!! :)))))))

Guitar Mania!

i finally did what i wanted to do from a long long time ago. i took that one step forward. and so much has changed. ok maybe not. so much has changed since the past 3 hours? LOL..

anyways, i'm just glad that i finally took up my guitar and drove to Jammin Senzation (JS). i am finally learning how to play it! (knowing only C major IS NOT very productive of me). in case you're wondering, JS is my music teacher's school, also where various aspiring musicians from everywhere in penang come jammin in here (she ought to pay me a little bit for that brief marketing promo LOL). jasmin put me under faizal and damon :) I AM FEELING ECSTATIC!

first class with faizal was good :) tomorrow's damon :)

I CAN'T WAIT!

but my fingers hurt...:(

I Will...

"But i disappear into the person i love. i am the permeable membrane. if i love you, you can have everything. you can have my time, my devotion, my ass, my money, my family, my dog, my dog's money, my dog's time - everything. if i love you, i will carry for you all your pain, i will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word), i will protect you from your own insecurity, i will project upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and i will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. i will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, i will give you a sun check and a rain check. i will give you all this and more...."

Relieved

ok. i'm done.

i will wait.

come what may.

Some Light Please?

i stared blankly at my "new post" page for a long time. i feel like i have a lot to write. i feel like my emotions are just waiting to be drained out of me. but i can't find the right words.

it's been awhile since i have absolutely nothing to think and worry about; no qualms or whatsoever. i know it's part of being human. it's what you call "life". really, it's that cliched.

and i think my poor blog has suffered enough of mental and emotional bruises from me. all that breaking down while typing and all that release-me-from-this-pain energy radiating towards it from me. my tosh is crying too.

it's just that i don't know any happy thing worth writing in here anymore. i know i'm such a sad person really. you know what i feel like now?

i feel like dementors are creeping in on me and sucking that every last bit of happy memory out of me. yes, like all the happiness in the world is gone.

shall i at least attempt to be contented with the slightest event that spells "oh, yay?"

maybe i should.

anyways, Edinburgh has reserved a place for me to do my selectives attachment there next year July. so if everything goes well, i would finally be in Europe :) and i'd be able to travel to London and everywhere else. all the places that i've loved since forever. and if it's not asking too much of mum, i might just pop in the idea of me going to Ireland for a few days? in case you're wondering, Ireland is my favourite country since forever, with no particular reason. but if you insist, it's because that's where westlife was born, they've got splendid, panaromic views and sceneries, it's just exceptionally gorgeous. and yes, the irish accent is such a turn on. plus, the irish guys are such hotties!! mmmHMmMMM!!!

ok, so yes. i'm gonna get my documents done. my passport done. geez. yes i don't have a bloody passport. SHUT UP!!!

and cross my fingers!!

everything will be fine.

as for now, i need to think things through. if it is really what i want. i don't want to regret and wish i hadn't said that to him. i just want myself to be happy.

i deserve that little bit of happiness, do i not?

The One-Way Street

today's the 12th.

it is exactly 1 month since the first.

i bet you don't remember.

i bet you don't care.

but i do.

and i always will.

i need to be strong.

i need to stop drowning myself with sad songs.

i need to believe that i can do this, without you.

but i will miss all of it.

and i will miss you.

You Don't Care, Do You?

"David's sudden emotional back-stepping probably would've been a catastrophe for me even under the best of circumstances, given that i am the planet's most affectionate life-form (something like a cross between a golden retriever and a barnacle), but this was my very worst of circumstances. I was despondent and dependent, needing more care than an armful of premature infant triplets. His withdrawal only made me more needy, and my neediness only advanced his withdrawals, until soon he was retreating under fire of my weeping pleas of 'where are you going, what happened to us?'

The fact is, i had become addicted to David, and now that his attention was wavering, i was suffering the easily foreseeable consequences. Addiction is the hallmark of every infatuation-based love story. It all begins when the object of your adoration bestows upon you a heady, hallucinogenic dose of something you never even dared to admit that you wanted - an emotional speedball, perhaps, of thunderous love and roiling excitement. Soon you start craving that intense attention, with the hungry obsession of any junkie. When the drug is withheld, you promptly turn sick, crazy and depleted (not to mention resentful of the dealer who encouraged this addiction in the first place but who now refuses to pony up the good stuff anymore - despite the fact that you know he has it hidden somewhere, goddamn it, because he used to give it to you for free). Next stage finds you skinny and shaking in a corner, certain only that you would sell your soul or rob your neighbours just to have that thing even one more time. Meanwhile, the object of your adoration has now become repulsed by you. He looks at you like someone he has never met before, much less someone he once loved with high passion. The irony is, you can hardly blame him. I mean, check yourself out. You're a pathetic mess, unrecognizable even to your own eyes.

So that's it. You have now reached infatuation's final destination - the complete and merciless devaluation of self. "

- Eat Pray Love

i know i've already said this a zillion times, but this book is good. maybe i could relate to it pretty well on a personal basis. maybe it speaks for me.

especially now. when i just cannot find the right words to express how i feel, what i'm thinking. and it's frustrating because i just wished my sentiments were known! but i don't know how to get it out of me. my vocabulary feels inadequate. sigh.

i just wished you'd somehow, automatically, know how to read me. i'm dying here.

"i don't know how to ask you. i don't know how to bring it up again. because it would make me appear ever more needy. ever more desperate. and i don't want you to think that i'm being too clingy. because i am not. i am just that kind of person that needs an answer to every question that keeps haunting and hounding my mind. i need that certainty. i need to feel like my questions are being answered. even if it isn't the answer that i want, i'm sure i'd be ok. and even if i won't be ok, i know i will be soon. i just need a bit of time to let it go. to let you go.

i miss the days when you would wrap me up in your arms. when your hands would incidentally find mine. when you would find every excuse to be near me. when i could feel you even when you're a million miles away.

what happened then? how did it turn out like this?

now all that's left is a memory of that vague, murky past. what could've been. should've been. and all that wishful thinking.

every song reminds me of you. every lyric. every tune.
every movie reminds me of you. every move. every laughter. every joke.

i am tired of it. truly exhausted from all the emotional and mental exertion. you have broken that wall. you have seen it all come crashing down. i am now a mess in a pile of rubble. i just need a little bit of time. i just need that little bit of courage to let you go. i need you to help me to let me let you go. don't come knocking on my door. don't come running back to me again. i need to do this right for once. it isn't fair for me. neither it is for you because i'm constantly trying to make you be someone you're not.

Let me let go.."

- somewhere behind that veil

The Rollercoaster Ride

it's been 5 months since seremban started. it definitely does not feel so. i just cannot seem to comprehend the fact that so much has happened in such a short time (or long, since i cannot even understand how or why time just past me by with such a hurricane speed, hence i can't tell if 5 months is a long or short time) and that semester 6 just ended that i cannot recollect fast enough all that i have learnt or that has happened before that i am left stoned here, trying to remember things and my head can't stop spinning round and round and it's making me scared and nervous cos semester 7 will be commencing soon (although the holidays have just started i know but surely you'll have to realise how unforgiving time is these days) and then i will soon find myself graduating from medical school, with that oh-so-great-title in front of my name this time around that the responsibilities and duties just keep piling up on my shoulders that it would sooner or later give way and then i'd die.

FUH!

FULL-STOP.

ok yes, i need to slow down and just chillax. yes, that's what i will try to do.

right, i shall....what's that word? ahh yes, R-E-F-L-E-C-T.

family medicine: great! =) so much of free time and fun!

surgery: fabuloso! so many handsome (although a little elderly. hate to admit that, but still..) surgeons, so much that i have learnt, great great great posting!

internal medicine: BLAHHHH!! i'm sorry, but what the hell is that?! oh right, some absurdly weird, ridiculously insane 7 week posting of which i wished it never did happen at all. PERIOD.

and here's to those wonderfully fun times i had with those i love love love! satay kajang, krispy kremes, ho wai's birthday, MY birthday, those random movie night outs, and all that dinners and lunches and car pool rides. missing them all :)

this is lams and me at steamboat. post-lams birthday celebration :)


this is us in malacca, post-sem 6 and after-exams RnR :)

i think i shall embrace myself for what's to come in semester 7. different groups. different people. people i need to start getting accustom to seeing everyday. paediatrics! obs and gyn! (i love both despite the workload), psychiatry and orthopedics. whokays =S and an EOS7 at the end of it all.

for now, i shall forget about worrying. or at least i promise i will try.

maybe i shall just re-read Deathly Hallows and continue with my new, favourite book Eat, Love Pray by Elizabeth Taylor. REALLY GOOD. :)

and then i shall indulge in my dvds and my tv! and more sleep. ciao!

Rough

i don't hear you.

i don't hear me.

i don't hear anyone.

- silence -