first time scrubbing in! :) nervous, scared, anxious, excited gah! its all a mess! :)

although i only get to hold this and hold that (LOL), suction here and suction there but it was cool.

alrights, back to portfolio. fark that.

Gah! ObsGyn is DRAINING me. this is prolly the only free time i'll ever get ever again throughout this whole week.

it's made me think in a lot of ways. like how i definitely dont want to do O&G at any point in my life anymore. i mean i realise i'm only interested in the babies when they're out and i forget about the mother (at times more like i don't really care heeh!) and the numerous medicolegal issues (dr kathir made it so real today it really freaked me out) and the fact that every obstetrician is loose in the head. seriously.

it prolly is just too demanding to my liking. sure, i guess my life has to be dedicated to my patients. but i only have 24 hours in a day. and i am just as human as anyone else, like each of my patients too. if i don't even have time to take care of myself how am i supposed to care for them. i just suddenly found my abilities so limited :(

then again, things will get a lot more worse in the next few weeks, months and years to come. the ugly truth and reality about working in our government hospital setting.

and as dr kathir says, GET MARRIED SOON. ;)

when we're happy, we're truly happy being together. and i remember why i loved him in the first place - he makes me laugh like no other :)

i remember telling him that night when we fought, to carry on with his own plans in life, and just don't include me in it because i don't ever want to be part of it anymore because i would ocassionally get so fed up and upset. and i was just angry. pissed. and then he said, "but all along, my plan was you".

i love you.

doesn't matter anymore now. your promises remain as lies. your sorrys are merely just words uttered in a feeble attempt to get your way back into me. it don't matter anymore. because you won't ever get it. you won't ever see the flaws within your own self. i can only do this much. i am limited afterall. i don't have so many chances to give, i don't have a lifetime to wait. i am not God.

sure, we're happy a lot of the times, but we're also fighting most of the time. i can only be amazed at how many a times i've forgiven you and taken you back into my life. like i said, there is always a limit. to everything. a woman should never have been treated such by a man, let alone multiple unforgiving times. its sad to see how i am such a fool. an idiot who has succumbed to her own actions and foolish thoughts.

then again, people do stupid foolish things when they're in love. maybe it is time for me to take a step back and look at the bigger picture on the other things that i'm missing in life. by then, it probably won't be you anymore.

i gave my heart to you. i gave you my trust.

please just don't break it.

if You have a plan for me, would You please tell it to me now?

stop these circles for me?

i love that feeling of anticipating for someone, knowing that they'll be here at your end soon. i love that feeling of how they're finally here, and you drive out to pick them up. i love that feeling of how there's so much things you can do with them, even if it's just hanging around at home not doing anything productive.

i love how my mum's here over the weekend. it feels like its been ages since i've gone home. its only been 3 weeks, coming to 4. but maybe its because i've never really gotten that longgggg break at home after an exhausting final exams.

but i hate how she had to leave for home. 800 km away from where i am. i don't suppose i'm ok. i hate sending her down to the cab and watching as it drives out of sight. and then when you come up to the room, it feels empty. just you and that silence. and maybe that youtube video that you'd play it over and over again.

home. 4 days. :)

and so we put our hands together, and pray .. pray for the people of Japan, pray for the world. 

may there be peace on earth. 

the best place to fall asleep is in your arms.

you are my favourite past time :)

i love you.

one week down. it really is fast. and i'm tired already.

adjustment disorder? TOTALLY.

i really do like this town a lot better than seremban (apart from the fact that its further away from home and so i dont get to go home that often and even if i could i wouldnt know how to because everything is so far away and driving takes forever). still trying to get around the place, getting familiar with things, especially mandarin! i must say my mandarin isn't all thattttt bad (LOL!).

i dont know why but i just dont feel like doing anything at all. its either things still haven't quite settled in, or is it because of the overwhelming workload that i'd rather have to run away from it or is it the fact that i'm horribly ill now. farrrrrrking cold and sinusitis and cough shitz (what more combinations can anyone ever ask for?)

i wished he didn't have to go home this week :( i had in my mind even at the start of the week of the things we could do, it's almost like i planned it out so perfectly well already. that japanese restaurant we must must must go to! :) he and i both have this weird taste for japanese food. heh. and then i'd like to bring him shopping (not that batu pahat has a lot of choices to offer but mehhhhh, better than none - secretly waiting for singapore!) because he so needs a wardrobe makeover! then again, it's ok. i suppose we have forever. :)

why am i tired all the time again? growls. i wished i was more UP AND ABOUT! mehhhh.

maya's birthday tonight. two movies tomorrow. and a portfolio to write up (SO SOONNNN??! YES LAH WAT THE FARKKKK).

ps: i miss you already. i missed you yesterday. today. tomorrow. and always ♥

so yes, i passed semester 9. already in semester 10. and it only gets tougher.

shifting to batu pahat here wasn't easy at all. growls. im glad i had mummy and daddy with me :)

and then i had to fall sick and be completely lightheaded and tired and headache with a stupid stuffed nose its irritating!

i wished we were given more time to adjust to things around here and not just throw at us the psychotically heavy workload immediately. sighs.

i do like my new house. my new room. the better food and a wide array of choices to pick from! :)

i only wished he would spend a few minutes of his busy life with me. am i not worth that 15 minutes out of his life?

don't let it be the end, but let it be the beginning of another chapter please?

which in this case means, LET ME GO TO BATU PAHAT LIKE NEXT WEEK!

and so will we all. everyone. not a single soul left behind. tonight i will pray. we will all be okay.

every moment with you is every moment i'm awake. i don't know about tomorrow, but i have you now, and today. :)

With Love,
B. 

tomorrow is THE day.

judgement day.

i don't know if what i've been working for for these years is enough to take me through my final race. to grasp hold of that vision so vaguely placed in my hands.

i hope it is. and so i pray. every minute along the way.

i'll see everyone again soon. its been a while. 2 weeks. :)

you don't understand. they don't understand.

no matter how hard i try, i would always be behind. and everytime i double my efforts just to be able to race beside them, it never seems enough. never.

so i guess my best isn't always enough for you. for them. for anyone. for the world.

we're done.

it's over.

if we don't belong here, then i'm sure we belong elsewhere.

somewhere in time.

we'd find that place for us.

positivity

i know i haven't been in here for a long long time. no, i haven't forgotten my faithful, old blogger. i think i still find it a lot easier to express what i feel in words here. tumblr seems to be a little more.... visual? :)

things are going up and down these days. with studies, him, and even the people around me.

it scares me to think that finals are in 6 weeks' time and i haven't started shit. and i am now doing my gynaecology posting it's not even funny at all. internal medicine came and go. was ok. minus the drama.

him and i. we're still at that. the good days are good. the bad days are bad. its always the same old cycle for us.

and the people around me? they scare me at times. my mum says the world is a stage. but i'm the poorest actor you can ever find. i would never make it to hollywood. it scares me how pretentious people can get when they so obviously dislike you and yet, still be able to fake a smile in front of you. it takes me a lot of effort to do that because i know i can't. i'm not at par. i am only me. and the more i do that, the more i start hating myself. not them, but me. so who to trust in the end? i always tell myself. that i don't need to have a lot of friends. it don't matter if half the class dislike me. as long as i know that there are a few out there whom i call my best of friends. they're the ones that keep me afloat. keep me alive. and if you're one of those people that i constantly am in touch with, then you know who you are :)

i miss how things were a lot simpler when you're young. if that stupid boy snatched my lollipop back when we were in kindergarten, i'd smack his butt and snatched it back and be friends again tomorrow like as if it never happened. why can't people stay that way all the time? why are we always influenced by the negativity of our surroundings? why can't we ever learn to forgive and forget?

i'm tired of playing the games people play. i just want to be me. i just want to take a step back, and live life. the way i want to.

please, will you let me?

diwali night came and go. i've never been busier this past week. ward work and classes taking up most of my days and night practices for the dance. loved it :)

the exam fever hasn't quite settled in yet. hence the daily routine of catching up with my tv series and youtubing and doing absolute complete nonsense here in my room. procrastination has taken over me. not like it hasn't been this way all along, in fact it's always been this way. shucks. i keep telling myself that it's 8 months to graduation. and 10 months to hell. afterall, housemanship IS hell. oh the thought of it.

things haven't quite gone the way i wanted it to. the past weeks were a torture to live in. i can't even begin telling the story of what how why when. but it just wasn't right. but it was always this question: AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH? not just for him. of course partly it was for him. but it was also me, as a friend. am i not good enough for my friends. am i not good enough for the people i love (or i thought who loved me back as well) ? why do i have to try so hard?

ho wai said i should write about happy, silly things here. because everyone seems to know what i would write about already. it's just him. and him. and him. and my life. even iiiii am getting bored of myself.

ohhh! hahaha! :) you'll love this. some of you who knows this other him. maya called me (cos she couldn't wait any longer) and told me about how he went for a hair loss program and became one of that company's testimonial figure. and it's all over midvalley's billboard!! ahahah. good lord. and surin couldn't wait to send me the link of the website and god was he FUGLY. i think i seriously need to pick my guys properly. geez. such a poser! who the hell would want to tell the world about how little hair he had?! and dude, you're a doctor HELLOOOOO?! ahhh but then again, how else would we get the chance to laugh and be happy about it? TERATOMA :D

anyways the reason why i blocked my blog here from everyone (who are NOT my friends) is because i think i've had enough of rumours going around. i just hate how people can interpret one single line that i've written here into something so hideous and totally uncalled for which is absolutely absurd and bollocks! seriously some people just need to learn to shut their fucking mouths up and stop speculating about what's going on with the other person's life. dude, if you want to know, ASK ME! duhhh. i mean ocassionally i don't even understand what i write here. so HOW CAN YOU BE ME?! freak. and another main reason why i decided to not let him read it is because it didn't make any difference to us. he just reads it and goes oh ok. "???" it's not like he understands how i feel or what's been happening actually. so it's irritating the hell out of me.

so if you can read this - then you're my friend ;)

i'm putting on weight! NOOOOOO :( i've started going to the gym with ho wai and joel. oklah, they go more than i do lah. but hahahh! it's because of the dance practices! ok i'll start again soon :D and yoga :) me loves. i need to be able to do my splits again!

i've just started my tumblr though. you can check it out if you'd like :) livelife-loud.tumblr.com :)

and so i have to move along. even if it means that i have to do it on my own. alone. to let you go. because i can't stand another day, waiting, waiting in vain, only to have to know that you won't ever take that one step ahead with me.

am i not enough?

I gave you my heart.That’s all I give you. And if that’s not enough for you, I’m not enough for you.