and i run

 no matter how hard i try, i don't know if i'll ever be as good.

hard work - does that really suffice?

i'm tired. sick. end it right now.

in the end, i would only have myself.

you, you, you and you lot can stop screwing my life up.

i never understood how some people can just take but not give back. how people can be so inconsiderate and selfish.

why am i the only person who has to attend and care for everyone else's feelings when no one considers mine in return. i feel stoooopid.

am i the only person who had to go for moral classes back in school? am i the only person who has parents who taught me how to be a better person in life.

gee u guys, go get a life. talk about being educated.

oh yeah :)

finally something to look forward to :) apart from home that is.

yay to the ho and the chicken and i for going to PARAMORE!

very. very. very. VERYYYY. excited.

3 weeks to rockin' the house down! ho. ho. ho. :D

you know you love me.  ♥

hanging by a moment

the ride has been rough. tough.

i don't know how long it will take for me to realise that no matter how hard i try, things will always remain the same.

you are you. and i am me.

no matter how much we compromise for each other, we just keep going in circles.

i don't understand why. maybe i just don't want to understand why. maybe i already do. maybe i am just afraid to admit it.

i look at that picture of you and me.

and then i look at the picture of others being in love.

next i ask myself why don't i have that. why can't i have that. that feeling of belonging to someone. that feeling of having him fight for you.

it doesn't matter how many times i've said it. because you don't ever and will never ever ever understand.

am i not good enough for you. am i not good enough to deserve that happiness that they have. when will you ever know. when will you ever learn. when will you ever care. when will you ever ever really understand.

i know you've been here. i know you've stood by me. i know everything that you have done. but it's not the huge matters that matter. it's the little things i want from you. it's that little an effort you have to make. all i want is just that. you. and that place in your heart.

i'm only hanging by a moment here with you. look at me. see me. feel me. be me. and then i hope that one day you'll see the big picture behind the aching me.

surgical madness

nothing feels better than to be here at home.

especially after one week of being in dato's ward. PHEW.

waking up to the sound of my alarm at 5.45am everyday for the past week, roaming around the wards in a zombie-ish manner, clerking every patient there is, looking at the watch anticipating for him to come (he's always there by 7.30am PFFTTT) and embracing ourselves for some kick in the ass.

and then hit the wards again by 7.30pm.

WHERE IS THE LIFE??!! gahhh.

i mean i know here i am complaining every minute of the day about how exhausting all these are, but then again, i've learnt so much in this past one week. i understand what's happening to the patients more now. like why they're given this and that, why these investigations are done. i feel, aherm, slightly, just slightly, less stupid. LOL.

and i really am enjoying surgery. like honestly. obs and gynae is definitely my all time favourite but i don't think i'd consider specializing in it? but surgery. sigh. surgery. paeds. surgery. paeds. i like how surgery is a lot more straight forward. less thinking. no need for super smart intellectual brains. if there's a lump, cut it off! and it really is quite cool :) then again, i really do like paeds. sigh.

anyways, one week of dato's ward is down. two more coming soon. but after this break :)

knock me down

i don't know how i can put myself out there. and let you walk all over me. you squeezed. you drained. you stomped. you sucked every living breath out of me.

the amazing thing is i allow all of that to happen.

because i'm afraid.

but it's weird.

because i don't know what i'm afraid of losing.

funny.

funny how i can put myself back together into one piece. as if nothing has happened.

again and again.

and then you shatter me to the ground. break me into pieces.

and then i put myself back again.

for you.

they say it's difficult to mend a broken heart.

mine is dead.

heartless

my short-term bliss ended. and now i'm thrown back here again.

i remember reading eat pray love not too long ago. there was this chapter in india where she wrote

Of course, for most of us this state passes as fast as it came. it's almost like you're shown your inner perfection as a tease and then you tumble back to reality very quickly, collapsing into a heap upon all your worries and desires once again. we search for happiness everywhere, but we are like Tolstoy's fabled beggar who spent his life sitting on a pot of gold, begging for pennis from every passerby, unaware that his fortune was right under him the whole time. your treasure, your perfection is within you already. 

i don't know why i feel like i'm never satisfied. or more like why am i always feeling like i'm searching for something more. like how isn't there supposed to be more than this to life? so if i'm not happy doing this, then do something else. but the problem is, i don't even know what i want. its just funny.

first day of class. first day of semester 9. first day of my final year as a medical student. great. more more more heaps heaps heaps of reponsibilities! nice. people expecting the world out of you. i'm supposed to know more than the universe can provide. great. and then so much of work! like i'm superhuman. superwoman. but i'm only that much. only this much. and then to make things worst. being away from home. it hasn't really quite settled after all these years. i do enjoy my freedom and independence here. and to be honest, i'm glad i had these years being away (well not really awayyyyyyy but away). its taught me so much. a lot. but maybe i'm getting tired of it. very.

i want to find my way. i want to find my place in this world.