today feels like one of those days back in bukit jalil. i miss home so badly i don't know why. i miss having to wake up to my mum's voice. to breakfast at the roadside. to everything. and i'd have thought that a few years away from home would ease things abit. sigh. i just feel like i'm back to square one today :(

home :)

i was back the weekend for wesak day celebration. have always been home that time of the year :) mum says you don't just pray to buddha during exams so this is probably a good time to show your appreciation. LOL.

so the 3 days back at home was completely eventful. friday alone was spent shopping the whole day away. and then to the temples and then to follow the procession. tired, but worth it :)

and saturday was even more fun. lunch met up with sooi at azuma. yummylicious! and then just plain catching up, gossiping, more whining and walking up and down that one special particular shop we were so interested in - Swatch. and you may ask why. because our dear friend has a thing for this guy :D awww, they do look cute together :) and after that, went shopping with mum again. she wanted to get a pair of comfy walking shoes for her long awaited europe trip :) i love my mummy. and then supper at haagen dazs with kar how :) i shall omit that embarassing thing i did. don't you dare rub it in kar.

3 days just in a blink of an eye. and then i'd only be back 9 weeks later :( feeling really sad because home has been so much fun. just non-stop eating my favourite food and the fact that i have good company and things are just so familiar everywhere i go. i miss that feeling. that feeling of belonging to somewhere. of course i'm still looking forward to uk. but before that i have exams and all the other not so happy things coming along. so it just upsets me how happiness can be so shortlived. :(

i miss my mummy. i miss sooi phing. weird, but i miss kar how laughing at me. i miss my aunt's food. i miss that road side kuey teow th'ng. and that po piah. :(

i wana go home :(

how to save a life

everyone wants to be a doctor after watching ER. House. Grey's anatomy (minus the explicit scenes). Chicago Hope. it's probably one of the most "noble" profession you'd ever come across. so when people ask you, and me, at interviews to enter medical school, why do you want to be a doctor? you hear different versions of answers that only mean one thing : because i want to do good, to help save someone's life. to make a difference in this world with all that i have. and of course, you have those that'll tell you because my parents made me do it i have no other choice maybe i really should burn in hell.

i say, we need to have that passion to do so. that love, dedication and sacrifice.

i walked into the A&E on Tuesday morning with so much of excitement and such enthusiasm i swear i myself would get the palpitations and soon the ventricular fibrillations and then to cardiac arrest even before a patient does.

anyways, i was really looking forward to this. at least i could make myself useful as a medical student, setting lines, taking blood, ecgs and oh so many things! :) i love it there. and today, was not a good day. today, i see  how cruel we doctors can be. so cold, and heartless.

a 28 year old malay soldier was brought in after more than an hour being unconscious. pulseless. asystole (flat lines on the cardiac monitor). CPR started. we all took turns to do it cos it was really tiring (my first time by the way). so full of energy from us, those adrenaline rushing through, wanting to save the patient so badly. 6mg adrenaline given. still asystole. half an hour passed, asystole. the MO came walking in, checked pulse. none. pupils fixed and dilated. cold peripheries. no spontaneous breathing. undetectable blood pressure. he declared death. and he said, as he checked the pupils "oooh, pupil dia macam full moon! macam itu twilight. tak pe lah. stop aje". WTF?!


this 71 year old indian uncle brought in by a taxi driver unconscious. pulseless. in cardiac arrest. CPR commenced. and they managed to revive the patient initially. and then after hours, he started deteriorating. and then he was in PEA (pulseless electrical activity). that same MO again came, and said to stop all efforts and let him just pass. and we're like WTF?! and we all stood, watching in dismay and disbelief, from 70 beats to 30 and then to 0. he told us that the patient was old, and that he had no family members. very poor family support which wouldn't at all be a good prognosis to his condition. so would it be worth it to save him?

i say we don't have the rights to judge who lives and who dies. it is not our prerogative to determine if that person deserves a chance to life. who are we to decide. who are we to tell. and isn't saving lives a doctor's main aim? i didn't understand. and i don't. because all i know is that we should still fight for the patient, when we still can. standing there and watching him go down should not at all be an option.

and so we were all upset. very. some say we'd probably get used to seeing this soon enough. getting to be a little more mechanical each day as we phase through our lives as doctors as we see more and more patients each day that we'd probably get so sick of it. i don't know about that. it would probably be a little too routined for me soon i might agree, but i definitely will not become that very person that even i myself would detest. and i won't want to place my family and friends' lives in the hands of a doctor like that. god gave us life for a reason. only He makes that decision :)

Why did we become close at all in the first place?
If our relationship began with a simple hello.
And ended with an excruciating goodbye.

I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day, and I believe in miracles.

- Audrey Hepburn -

To be happy, it first takes being comfortable being in your own shoes. The rest can work up from there. The hardest situation to stay happy in, I think, is when you’re trying to find love, and yourself at the same time. It just doesn’t seem to fit well. So I believe that happiness is being able to wake up and just know that this is what you wanted, and not what somebody else wanted...

- Sophia Bush -

4 weeks into minor postings. i'm already dead. ENT posting was really good. i MIGHT really consider doing this honestly :) and ophthalmology is just.... gruesome. next is A&E! i can't wait :D

this also means, i'm 4 weeks closer to flying off to edinburgh! scotty oh scotty. and then paris, london and dublin. the only thing that's keeping me going.

i'm tired. and i don't know why :(

Because i liked the view, when there was me and you..

 Beneath every cynic there lies a romantic. And probably an injured one.

There's some boy out there who's going to like you for everything you are, including those parts of you that even you don't like. Those are going to be the things he likes the most. 

- Glee, Mr Shu -

 You've found a million ways to let me down, so i'm not hurt when you're not around..

Sometimes you have to forget about what you want and remember what you deserve...

It's funny how the people that hurt you the most, are the ones that swore they never would..

That's what i'm afraid of.... not being enough. Not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough...

Everyone wants to hear that it's gonna be okay, that the pain will go away. But truthfully, it won't. It never does. You just get stronger each day, but deep down the pain is still there..

Sometimes we expect more from others because we'd be willing to do much more for them..

When you're struggling with something, look at all the people around you and you'll realise that every single person you see is struggling with something, and to them, it's just as hard as what you're going through..

- Dear John - 

Sometimes the past is something you can’t let go of. Sometimes the past is something we’ll do anything to forget. And sometimes we learn something new about the past that changes everything we know about the present.

Who gets to determine when the old ends and the new begins? It’s not on the calendar, it’s not a birthday, it’s not a new year, it’s an event —big or small, something that changes us, ideally it gives us hope, a new way of living and looking at the world, letting go of old habits, old memories. What’s important is that we never stop believing we can have a new beginning, but it’s also important to remember amid all the crap are a few things really worth holding on to.

- Grey's Anatomy - 

hear us cry

this is a really good article IMO. it really is so true. so true.

http://blog.thestar.com.my/permalink.asp?cat=1&id=30376

We are all guilty of saving old messages from someone who became really special in our lives and going to familiar places that gives us that small twinge in our heart and smiles on our faces. It's one of the most bittersweet feelings ever because everytime that person crosses our minds, we remember the instances when we were happy and complete...

When people walk away, let them walk. Your destiny is not tied to anybody who leaves you...

Intimacy is a four syllable word for "here's my heart and soul, please grind them into hamburger and enjoy". It's both desired and feared. Difficult to live with, and impossible to live without..

my feel good song :)

And in the morning

Your eyes opened so innocent

The sun is blazing we are sweating

You look lovely

Nothing else matters anymore

'Coz you're in my arms again

Tell her she's amazing. Promise her that you will kiss her in the rain. Walk with her holding hands. Talk with her late into the night. Tickle her, and then kiss her. Just kiss her. Because she loves the feel of your lips. Hold her. It makes her feel safe. Let her run and jump into your arms. Watch girly movies with her. And when she starts crying, hold her tightly. Tell her she's perfect for you. Just tell her that you love her. She needs to hear that.

So do we all.. :)

Dancing bears
Painted wings
Thing i almost remember
And the song
Someone sings
Once upon a December...

so i am leaving..

love leaves a memory that no one can steal. but it leaves a scar that no one can heal..

love is like the wind. you can't see it, but you can feel it ... 

- Nicholas Sparks -

we'd said we'd keep in touch. but touch is not something you can keep. as soon as it's gone, it's gone. we should have said we'd keep in words, because they are all we can string between us - words on a telephone line, words appearing on a screen...

strangers in the making

sometimes you have to get to know someone really well to realize that you're really strangers...

and i find peace in this solitary moment. oh, yes :)

aaron kelly SHOULD NOT be voted out yet! america is a psycho. i am utterly UTTERLY  upset. he's such a sweetheart!! :) i keep re-watching fly me to the moon and compare him to casey's horrendous song and i still don't see why :(

and i want only that...

hell, yeah..

Guys, you must know that if a girl loved you then, chances are she still loves you heaps now. She’s probably crying herself to sleep every night over you while trying her hardest to keep on a happy face during the day. Most likely, she still thinks about you all the time, everyday. She probably still sits there imagining her future with you in it, then thinks back to the past and shatters. Whenever something happens to her, good or bad, she’s most likely thinking of you and wishing that she could tell you all about it. Whenever she hears a song on the radio she’ll think of you, not only because the song reminds her of you but also how much of her broken life right now can relate to the song. Whenever she watches a romantic movie or sees a cute couple, hand in hand, she starts to die a little more inside knowing that what used to be is now just a memory. Whenever she thinks of you, she smiles, yet at the same time, she is suffering. Although she may not show it, she is suffering a great deal of pain. She’s suffering from remembering those happy moments that she’ll always remember but it seemed that you’ve already forgotten. She’s afraid that you might forget her along the way as well. On the outside, she may seem like all smiles and laughter, but what is behind the mask is someone who knows really well how to hide themselves. You have no idea just how much pain she is suffering. She still hurts, because the memories of you and her are not only too hard to forget, she also doesn’t want to forget, though sometimes she tries to forget, everything just somehow reminds her of you all over again. She re-reads your old texts and convoys because she misses you and what used to be. she misses your hugs, she misses your smiles. She misses you entirely. She loves you. She fell for you, and you just watched her fall. Seriously, if you didn’t intend to catch her, then don’t lead her on, don’t get her hopes up, cause the harder harder she falls for you, the more pain she’ll end up having to go through afterward. Don’t tell her you love her if you don’t mean it, chances are, she might do something crazy like believe it. For the guys reading this, know that no matter how strong a girl may look on the outside, we all go through some sort of pain on the inside when you leave us.

And for the girls reading this, there must have been one boy in particular that was on your mind the whole entire time.

moving on

If you love him enough to let him go, love yourself enough to move on..

Sometimes you give, sometimes they take. Sometimes you bend, and sometimes they break you down. Sometimes you stick around trying to change them, make them someone that they'll never be. And sometimes, you leave...

It's easy to look at people and make quick judgements about them, their present and their past, but you may be amazed at the pain and tears a single smile hides. What a person shows to the world is only one tiny facet of an iceberg hidden from sight. And more often than not, it's lined with cracks and scars that go all the way to the foundation of their soul.

so well yeah, it does feel like i'm left standing alone at the altar. disappointed, but at least i get my truth at the end of it :)

closure

thank you. thank you for giving the answer i needed most. even if it meant taking in all the false accusations you made against me. but i will take it in. as always. haven't i already taken in more than this? so it wouldn't matter anyways this time again.

thank you for giving me the closure that i so needed all this while. i'm glad i can lay my weary heart to rest. finally. thank you for a wonderful 10 months. i will put all our sweet memories in that corner of my heart and remember you for the wonderful things that we did. we've come a long way. we're tired. we should rest.

will look forward to that 1 month in UK with you :)

thank you for everything..

come home

we were once there...

where are we now?

the other line

and then i lift my pen up again. wanting to write more of us. but nothing has happened. and so i wont put my pen down. i refuse to. and i keep waiting. waiting for you to fill up my pages with laughters, joys, loves, hugs and kisses.

and then i just keep waiting... and waiting...

shattered walls

i stare at the picture of you and me. i know we were in love. i wrote about us every day. at every step of our way.

i just never got to my happy ending.

somewhere down the road, will you still remember me? will you still remember us? i loved you. i still do. everyday. every minute. every second.

i'm losing faith. i'm losing hope. two of the most important things i have ever held on to in my life to get me through the days.

i don't know if i can do this. i want to scream my heart out and tell you how i feel. why don't you ever understand?

i haven't given up on us. i haven't given up on you.

but why have you surrendered when there is still so much to fight for?

different

you've changed. or is it me? it can't be me. because i'm still here. everyday, waiting for you. and so it cannot be me. you aren't the person i thought i used to know anymore. and i am angry! i am angry because i couldn't make you permanent. i am angry at the changes they brought to you. i am angry at the fact that why noone ever stays the same!

i fake a smile everyday along the corridors. just so people wouldn't notice that i was breaking inside. you walked past me, like that invisible soul that slips me by. i don't know you anymore. and it scares me. it scares me because a week ago, you kissed me and told me that you loved me and would always be there for me. what happened to the promises that you made me? what happened to "you are my prince and i will forever be your princess"? what happened to "i will always be there for you, no matter what"? i believed you. i really did. you didn't have to crush my heart that way.

what happened to "i'm sorry"?

i cannot stop crying. i cannot stop. i cannot because my heart is tearing in pieces. it's bleeding. it hurts. it hurts so bad that i cannot even pretend to smile. i am frustrated and angry because i don't understand what i did that deserved this from you. i have given you everything. everything, and more, and now i don't know what else to offer you anymore.

you win, and i lose...