lifted

i think i finally feel a lot lighter. less heavy. less burdened.

i didn't think i could ever do it. i didn't think i was ever brave enough to stand up for what i wanted, and what i believed in. and i never dared to stand up for the person i am.

but now i did it. and now i am a lot happier. less whiny. more fun :)

i won't always get it right the first time, as mich says it always. i need to fall before i know where i stand and what i want.

i hope i'm getting there too :)

anyways, there's this empty place in my heart again. sooi phing finally graduated. going back to penang. one less place to stay in kl. sigh. which means less time or none at all in kl. GASP! I WANNA DIE. i miss all the things we did back then when we first started out there. those crazy stuff. and all that shopping and eating and exploring. wished things would be that simple forever.

new moon's coming out tomorrow in malaysia! i hope i get to see it :) here in seremban! god damn it. they better play it or seremban can diieeeee!! growls.

i don't like psychiatry. NOT bcos i feel like i'm part of them. LOL. but because i keep trying to want them be normal. just give me the correct answer god damn it. but that's just the way they are. so i'm still trying to tune in to them :(

going home this thursday :) with pei. looking forward to it. but first, NEW MOOOONNN!!

:)

i am smiling like an idiot now. i truly TRULY LOVE today. YOU and YOU made my day.

you know who you are :)

thank you so much for everything. i needed this. it's been a long while since i've been genuinely happy. like today.

we have forever :D

psycho?

maybe after psychiatry i'd be able to diagnose what i have.

obs ended. extremely and utterly sad. because i realise i love it so much. SO VERY MUCH. my favourite posting, even way better than paeds.

exams did not go well at all. i know this is becoming a routine. me complaining how bad it is. but i just know it that this time i have failed 2 papers. i know i did. so don't. DON'T. just leave me alone.

weekend back home was great. stopped by ipoh for chicken hor fun and salted chicken and 10 boxes of funny mountain! :) and a whole lot of singing on the way I GOTTA FEELING!! lol. and AS LONG AS YOU LOVE ME. and the weirdest thing was both songs played again while we were on our back from penang. TOTALLY WEIRD.

today's first day of psych. i feel...empty. i feel... useless. i guess obs pushed me so much that i didn't even realise i could do so much. so i guess that sudden feeling of doing nothing really made me feel lost. psych seems pretty relaxed alright. but i have so much at hand.

research papers. fucked up with the time. sorry for the language but i can't help it.

ims. coming soon. and with people i'm not very fond of working with. i don't really care.

eos 7 looming in. i don't know. i just want to pass. and be happy. and to go to Edinburgh.

and so many other things to figure out. if this is all i want. if this is really enough for me. if this is what i'm searching for. and i don't have much time. i can't keep doing this. it hurts me. it hurts everyone.

if only time would lay still. and the world lies frozen in time. in that empty silence.

i only want to be happy

i didn't think i would ever say this. BUT.

i think i really enjoyed my obs posting. i mean a lot of people have said that before. i just never thought i'd be feeling the same way about it too. if they hadn't give me a hard time, i think it would be a really, really good posting for me.

i really do enjoy my whole labour room week. because for once in my life, or in my entire med school life, i feel USEFUL. i feel like i could actually DO SOMETHING. like now i know how to deliver a placenta, how to examine it, how to examine a neonate, how to deliver a baby, how to perform female catheterization (it's really really easy and cool!) and i've done so many vaginal examinations although you need to pardon my extremely short fingers cos i was not congenitally born to be an obstetrician aherm. so yes, i've learnt so much from that 1 week that when it ended, i was almost depressed. and i have so many doctors to be thankful for. so thank you :)

sigh. all i really want, is to have this posting to end in a good way. i mean, to end in a favourable, likeable, happy way. because i was so depressed with how my favourite paeds posting ended. i just don't want that for this. i mean i'm trying really hard. i'm really giving it my best. although i still feel like i haven't grasped things really well yet, but i really am trying. when will it ever be enough, i don't know.

anyways, next week is exam week. i know that there's a reason for everything that has happened. just, please, God, be with me. i've never asked for anything much, but just this once, please let me be happy. do i not deserve every right to be?