am i really destined to save people's lives? as kar how puts it. or is there something else out there for me.

the mark

it has been so.. so.. SOOO freaking long since I've been in here. i guess i really didn't have the time back then, or that i didn't really think my life was worth any tale here. its been somewhat mundane. somewhat boring and yet, somewhat crazy. as always, so many life lessons learned, so many things gained and somehow, so much lost too. 

work. 

i am officially done with housemanship. like, YESSSS! two freaking years of tears, and sweat and a whole lot of rubbish and experience. so many lives lost, and yet, so many saved. there are times when i can speak passionately about work, like how some friends and some patients and bosses have touched my lives. but there are times, when i start reflecting on how much my life could be better, i.e spend more quality time with the people i love most, earn 5 figures (yes, i have friends who do less work than i do, and they earn shit lots), or how ill treated we slaves have been for the government, it pains me so much that most days i just give up on everything. 

well the good thing is, i finally realised what i really want to achieve in life, what i see myself doing 10 years from now on. or at least i think i do? for now. :D i know i want to be able to have all the time in the world for my family, my kids (someday), mum, and him. and for friends. like really, work isn't everything. my patients and the hospital or clinic, will not, and never, be everything in my life. i wished i was one of those people who can feel so much about their job and dedicate their entire world to it, but i am sorry because i really do think that there needs to be a balance. well lets just say different people have different wants. :) 

first exam paper in january 2014. ooh-rah! i really hate studying. really really really REALLYY FTW. 

moving on to MO-ship soon. possibly next week. emo maximus! i guess penang will be seeing more of me. I'm not quite sure if its the best thing for myself, but at least its comforting to know that i didn't get places where cinemas and malls are non existent. oh wells. :) 

and to the bunch of awesome people whom I've spent a good 2 years with, rach, rf, pau and michie, thank you so much. for all the good times. and the bad. i hope we'll still have each other in the years to come! :) 

more details on italy soon :) 

getting back to the stupid book. pfft. 

Life and its many choices

I can't believe it's coming to an end. Two years of housemanship in a blink of an eye. So much gained, and so much lost. I do think that after all these, I am truly getting older by the day. I know we're not even doing a 36 hour call anymore, the most I have now is a 24 hour. And yet, I come home zombified after all the madness. Even working from 8-5 on a non night shift day makes me feel like an aunty every evening. Ok so who am I kidding, I'm 25! Pfft. And I'd think that after going through this various postings, I'd have figure out what I'd like to further in. But no, I am still stuck after all these years. Then again, sometimes I do think that I don't even want to do this at all. Medicine. Am I even cut out for this shit seriously. Sometimes I just don't care why patients have low phosphate levels, or why are they shitting black stools. And I'm so angry with myself that I know if I was given a choice again, I would most likely have chosen something else. But then again I wouldn't know what else to do in the first place! Fml. So where to go from here?             

heart

there's just too many things i want to say. so many things i need to say.

but i just couldn't find the words.

not today.

i miss you so much right now. that when i look into your eyes, i just know that i want to spend the rest of my life with you.

i want to grow old with you. hold your hand while taking a stroll in the park. sit on a bench and rest my head on your shoulders. and then, we could forget about the world.

i wished mum would see you one day, the way i see you everyday.

because with you, it just feels right.

i love you.