and so i have to move along. even if it means that i have to do it on my own. alone. to let you go. because i can't stand another day, waiting, waiting in vain, only to have to know that you won't ever take that one step ahead with me.

am i not enough?

I gave you my heart.That’s all I give you. And if that’s not enough for you, I’m not enough for you.

say goodbye

If I seem distant
Baby I am
Words are like scissors in your hands
And there’s no script to follow
So I just close my eyes
That way it won’t hurt so much
When we say goodbye

I feel just like an actress
Up on the stage
I can’t believe
What I’m hearing myself say
And the porch light is my spotlight
So I play along with this life
That way it won’t hurt so much
When we say goodbye

Did you ever love me?
Does it even matter?
Did you even notice the whole world shatter?
I just want to hold you ‘til you know I’m sorry
But I just keep it all inside
That way it won’t hurt so much
When we say goodbye

My heart feels like a circus
It’s to much to take in
It’s hard to lose love
But you were my best friend

So I walk this high wire
Alone….tonight
That way it won’t hurt so much
When we say goodbye

empty

now i do understand why, that it's become a habit. that before i go to bed at night, i need to read the horoscope for the next day.

it's just because i needed someone, or something, a sign, to tell me what to do. because i am clueless. because i am.... blank.

though it may seem as if we've known each other for a substantial amount of time, i find you slipping away from the person i used to know. or at least i thought i knew.

maybe we weren't meant to break the walls down. maybe we were just meant to know each other between two spaces in time.

how is it so that you don't remember me for the things that i've done. for the things i've done for you. for us. and so, i ask myself everyday, every minute, why do you only remember me for the things that i have NOT done? and to make matters worse, you accuse me of things that i didn't do or say. is it not enough that you broke my heart once, twice, thrice and then every other minute that you now have to resort to throwing such nasty and false allegations at me time and time again? and then you frame me up, put me in that claustrophobic box where i can't breathe.

you didn't want me in the first place. you didn't want to commit. so then what do you want from me now? my heart has been aching since the first day you said we would never make it. and then i allow myself to hope and to dream and to keep the faith. but time and time again you shatter my heart as i left it at your doorstep over and over again.

i am utterly. disappointed. angry. frustrated. mad. i hate how every word you say shakes me up deep inside while i try so hard to hide it away from the world. i hate that i love you. i hate how they take you away. i hate how they insert thoughts in your head and make you turn away against me. it is, afterall, me against the world.  but i know, that no matter how hard i try, we would probably never make it. i want to move on from you. i want to let go.

then maybe, someday, some time, we may find ourselves again, back at where we once knew each other..

stop

you don't have to understand me. you don't have to know me.

if it has to take you that long to know the person i truly am, then just don't. just give up.

but stop. stop accusing me for the things i didn't do. for the things i didn't say.

stop putting that dart through my heart.

really, honestly, life has been quite uneventful thus far. hence the lack of updates. i don't even know what to write here. i mean part of me don't even know what the fuck i'm doing with my life.

anaes and radio posting started. anaes is uber awesomely fun! :) yes, another choice i would really consider in the near future. currently, it stands at paediatrics, surgery, anaesthesiology and ENT :) love being in the OR the whole day. being in scrubs. with air cond! no sweat :) me likes. and especially with anaes, i could bum the whole day sitting in the OR and just read a novel, play with my phone, dress up with killer heels all day. BESTTTT! heh.

its exactly 8 months to graduation. and 10 months to working as a house officer. kill me?

mum came and went back. one week gone. just like that. snap. hate it when she has to leave. takes me a lot of time and courage to pick myself back up again and to realise that i'm alone in this (sounds like some breakup but yes). 

oh right! now i do remember what i have to write about :) the 3rd asia pacific gastroesophageal cancer conference (APGCC) ! :D totally loved it. it just further inspires me to be a surgeon :) all my favourite surgeons here were there. Mr Maha is an absolute gem. Dato is just.. god. and all other really nice people. it just leaves me wondering if i'd ever be that good. and if i'd ever make such a huge impact in my career that could change people's lives. of course, apart from all the "work" we did there, there was time for shopping at sunway pyramid, one U, and haha stealing freebies :) we're only malaysians..

Mr. Mahadevan, my favourite surgeon :)

i think i need to stop giving shits to what people do to annoy me, or what they say to get me down. because ultimately, i've only 8 months left here and then we're all going our separate ways (crossing my fingers and hope i don't get the same hospital as you suck ass people) and then you can do anything you want or die for all i care.


ok, very random but it's also part of what's been bothering me for the past weeks. so i hear shit. and i have to take the shit in. but who the fuck cares anymore.

oh well.. i really should get going. tumblr coming up soon, just need to get the background done. and learn some stuff abit before i completely transfer the thing. i do still love blogspot! :(

harry potter this wednesday! :D

i miss home. i always do. but so does everyone. and ps: it doesn't make me any more of a cry baby than you are. piss off! 

hello people. i am currently contemplating if i should switch to tumblr? or stay here. :D tell me what to do!