broken

i'm falling apart. i'm barely breathing. with a broken heart. that's still beating. in the pain, there is healing. in your name, i find meaning.

watched your dreams like falling stars

I will show you love like you've never loved before
I will go the distance and back for more if you just say the word

You will come alive again and call the trying times your friend
The pain that you have suffered through will never get the best of you
You will hope in something real that won't depend on how you feel
When you call my name then I will answer, answer

I am on your side though the wind and waves beat against your faith
You were on my mind when the world was made
Trust in me my child, Trust in me my child

Walk out on the water where you have no control
So scared to death of failure you sacrifice your soul, please let that go

You have climbed an uphill road, You have worn a heavy load
You have cried through endless nights and nearly given up the fight
Watched your dreams like falling stars the heartaches made you who you are
Now looking back you see that I have always been there

Where you gonna hide? Where you gonna hide from Me?
Where you gonna go? Where you gonna go that I can't see?

I have heard you cry and it breaks my heart for I love you so
I would never lie, this is not the end there is still a hope

i pray

i've never looked to god any more than i do these few days. day 3 without you and i've knelt before god too many a time. i asked for him to give me the strength to get on with life. to give me the courage to live without you. and then i question god. i asked him why he had to put me through all these if he knew it would only end this way and tear me into pieces. i asked why couldn't he made you love me and want me more.

i remember how everytime you touched me, i felt alive. but today, when you did, it only crushed my broken heart ever more.

day 3 - i'm empty.

strangers

we don't say good nights anymore. we don't say i love you anymore. we don't call each other names anymore. we don't say how much we miss each other anymore.

i suppose we don't have to from now on. you and i make the perfect strangers.

ain't enough

i want to kiss you like how we kissed the first time.

i want you to hold me like how you always do.

i want to lay beside you and hear your heart beat close to mine.

i want you to pull me close like how you always do when we sleep at night.

i want to talk to you and fall asleep in your arms.

i want to hold your hand and have you kiss me on my forehead.

i want you to tell me you love me like the first time you said it.

i'm probably the world's most affectionate creature. i want to kiss you all the time. i want to stroll anywhere on earth with you holding your hands. i want to tell you how much i love you every minute. i want to shower my love every moment like as if i can't contain it no more.

but love isn't everything, is it? no.

annihilation

i am my own weapon of self destruction. i don't know why i do it. i don't know why i try so hard to make you hate me. the things that i say. the things that i do. they only seem to cut our wound deeper. but the truth is, i end up hurting myself even more. even i don't get me.

i always thought love was enough to make us work. apparently it wasn't. or. you just didn't love me enough to want me as much as i want you.

i push you away. i can't stand the sight of you. i can't stand being near you. because all i would ever think of is how we could be, perfect. and so i leave. i tear you apart. i tear me apart. and then i destroy you. me. us. because i don't know how to live a life without you in it.

day 2. i died. 

i miss us.

this is pathetic isn't it. it feels as if i have noone to talk to and to cry to. writing, seems like the only way i can relieve myself from this aching endless pain that is killing me silently.

no, i do have friends. and i know they'd be willing to spend eternity telling me what's the best thing to do and to comfort me and tell me that everything will be ok along the way. it's just that i'm getting tired of myself. because i don't listen to anyone. i drown myself with my own thoughts and convince myself that basking in my own misery and sadness is the only way i could ever live again.

i do. i do that to myself all the time. all i want to do is to play sad love songs on my radio. watch sappy movies. lay on the bed and think of you. most of all, i just want to cry everyday. and feel sorry for myself.

its suicidal. i know. but its the only way for me to live, at least for now.

safe

Doesn't even matter to you
To see what I can see
I'm crawling on the floor to reach you
I'm a wreck you see
When you're far from home now
Makes it hard to believe

So how am i supposed to live my life like the dream i have is real.
Why won't you want to keep me safe?

it begins

14 months and 3 weeks.

i say things to comfort people. i tell them the right things to do. the logical, radical thing to do. but i can't tell myself that. because none of my principles would ever apply to myself.

last night i slept well. i thought i wouldn't. but that's only because my eyes couldn't stop tearing. and i drifted into a sea of memories of you and me. those happy, loved ones. and then i fell asleep. because i was safe.

i miss you already.

day 1 has only just begun.

sealed

people write the most beautiful things about love. i guess some people are meant to create beautiful love. ones that make you go aw, or ones that move your heart. the stories about how that one person changes your life in the best possible way. but truthfully, i can't write like that.

mine has always been broken. short lived happiness which only ends in tears. i quit giving myself excuses in your defense. i quit fixing my broken heart time and time again only to have it crushed with my own bare hands.

you love me. and i love you. and a line drawn between those two. the only reason we still hold on to each other is because we want to stay afloat from the grieving waters that we're afraid will drown and pull us down. but the truth is, we hurt each other even more when we're together and yet we find solitude in that pleasure.

maybe this is what's best for us. back to being just friends. you. and me. even though it may seem hard to let go now. even though life seems impossible without you. but i know in the long run, you and i will be a lot happier. it would only end this way. sooner or later.

edinburgh and all the other places we visited together wouldn't be the same without you here with me. i'm grateful for having shared that piece of beautiful memory with you in it.

so let me love you. and miss you. and think of you all the time. and what's more, give me that time to be away from you. let me let go of you.

love always,
your princess♥

ahhh, life :)

ended surgery with having dato taking me for exams :) which turned out ok and not so ok. i just want to pass.

project 'kl and have fun' for 2 days in a row! so completely and utterly exhausted after that. but im glad i did it with you guys :) hearts!

the gig at the actors studio was fantabulous! totally my kind of thing :) i mean who can resist cute guys singing and strumming my heart away with the guitar? haha. and a really gorgeous beautiful girl as well. man, i wished i could play like her. ahhh!

delicious has always been awesome. more so with great company. and i had them. priceless :)

and then, what?!!! murni at ss2?! sighs.

haha. totally love my weekend. best weekend in seremban to date! :D

leaving on a jet plane :)

one of my favourite covers to date :) LOVEEEE her.

and i run

 no matter how hard i try, i don't know if i'll ever be as good.

hard work - does that really suffice?

i'm tired. sick. end it right now.

in the end, i would only have myself.

you, you, you and you lot can stop screwing my life up.

i never understood how some people can just take but not give back. how people can be so inconsiderate and selfish.

why am i the only person who has to attend and care for everyone else's feelings when no one considers mine in return. i feel stoooopid.

am i the only person who had to go for moral classes back in school? am i the only person who has parents who taught me how to be a better person in life.

gee u guys, go get a life. talk about being educated.

oh yeah :)

finally something to look forward to :) apart from home that is.

yay to the ho and the chicken and i for going to PARAMORE!

very. very. very. VERYYYY. excited.

3 weeks to rockin' the house down! ho. ho. ho. :D

you know you love me.  ♥

hanging by a moment

the ride has been rough. tough.

i don't know how long it will take for me to realise that no matter how hard i try, things will always remain the same.

you are you. and i am me.

no matter how much we compromise for each other, we just keep going in circles.

i don't understand why. maybe i just don't want to understand why. maybe i already do. maybe i am just afraid to admit it.

i look at that picture of you and me.

and then i look at the picture of others being in love.

next i ask myself why don't i have that. why can't i have that. that feeling of belonging to someone. that feeling of having him fight for you.

it doesn't matter how many times i've said it. because you don't ever and will never ever ever understand.

am i not good enough for you. am i not good enough to deserve that happiness that they have. when will you ever know. when will you ever learn. when will you ever care. when will you ever ever really understand.

i know you've been here. i know you've stood by me. i know everything that you have done. but it's not the huge matters that matter. it's the little things i want from you. it's that little an effort you have to make. all i want is just that. you. and that place in your heart.

i'm only hanging by a moment here with you. look at me. see me. feel me. be me. and then i hope that one day you'll see the big picture behind the aching me.

surgical madness

nothing feels better than to be here at home.

especially after one week of being in dato's ward. PHEW.

waking up to the sound of my alarm at 5.45am everyday for the past week, roaming around the wards in a zombie-ish manner, clerking every patient there is, looking at the watch anticipating for him to come (he's always there by 7.30am PFFTTT) and embracing ourselves for some kick in the ass.

and then hit the wards again by 7.30pm.

WHERE IS THE LIFE??!! gahhh.

i mean i know here i am complaining every minute of the day about how exhausting all these are, but then again, i've learnt so much in this past one week. i understand what's happening to the patients more now. like why they're given this and that, why these investigations are done. i feel, aherm, slightly, just slightly, less stupid. LOL.

and i really am enjoying surgery. like honestly. obs and gynae is definitely my all time favourite but i don't think i'd consider specializing in it? but surgery. sigh. surgery. paeds. surgery. paeds. i like how surgery is a lot more straight forward. less thinking. no need for super smart intellectual brains. if there's a lump, cut it off! and it really is quite cool :) then again, i really do like paeds. sigh.

anyways, one week of dato's ward is down. two more coming soon. but after this break :)

knock me down

i don't know how i can put myself out there. and let you walk all over me. you squeezed. you drained. you stomped. you sucked every living breath out of me.

the amazing thing is i allow all of that to happen.

because i'm afraid.

but it's weird.

because i don't know what i'm afraid of losing.

funny.

funny how i can put myself back together into one piece. as if nothing has happened.

again and again.

and then you shatter me to the ground. break me into pieces.

and then i put myself back again.

for you.

they say it's difficult to mend a broken heart.

mine is dead.

heartless

my short-term bliss ended. and now i'm thrown back here again.

i remember reading eat pray love not too long ago. there was this chapter in india where she wrote

Of course, for most of us this state passes as fast as it came. it's almost like you're shown your inner perfection as a tease and then you tumble back to reality very quickly, collapsing into a heap upon all your worries and desires once again. we search for happiness everywhere, but we are like Tolstoy's fabled beggar who spent his life sitting on a pot of gold, begging for pennis from every passerby, unaware that his fortune was right under him the whole time. your treasure, your perfection is within you already. 

i don't know why i feel like i'm never satisfied. or more like why am i always feeling like i'm searching for something more. like how isn't there supposed to be more than this to life? so if i'm not happy doing this, then do something else. but the problem is, i don't even know what i want. its just funny.

first day of class. first day of semester 9. first day of my final year as a medical student. great. more more more heaps heaps heaps of reponsibilities! nice. people expecting the world out of you. i'm supposed to know more than the universe can provide. great. and then so much of work! like i'm superhuman. superwoman. but i'm only that much. only this much. and then to make things worst. being away from home. it hasn't really quite settled after all these years. i do enjoy my freedom and independence here. and to be honest, i'm glad i had these years being away (well not really awayyyyyyy but away). its taught me so much. a lot. but maybe i'm getting tired of it. very.

i want to find my way. i want to find my place in this world.