heartless

my short-term bliss ended. and now i'm thrown back here again.

i remember reading eat pray love not too long ago. there was this chapter in india where she wrote

Of course, for most of us this state passes as fast as it came. it's almost like you're shown your inner perfection as a tease and then you tumble back to reality very quickly, collapsing into a heap upon all your worries and desires once again. we search for happiness everywhere, but we are like Tolstoy's fabled beggar who spent his life sitting on a pot of gold, begging for pennis from every passerby, unaware that his fortune was right under him the whole time. your treasure, your perfection is within you already. 

i don't know why i feel like i'm never satisfied. or more like why am i always feeling like i'm searching for something more. like how isn't there supposed to be more than this to life? so if i'm not happy doing this, then do something else. but the problem is, i don't even know what i want. its just funny.

first day of class. first day of semester 9. first day of my final year as a medical student. great. more more more heaps heaps heaps of reponsibilities! nice. people expecting the world out of you. i'm supposed to know more than the universe can provide. great. and then so much of work! like i'm superhuman. superwoman. but i'm only that much. only this much. and then to make things worst. being away from home. it hasn't really quite settled after all these years. i do enjoy my freedom and independence here. and to be honest, i'm glad i had these years being away (well not really awayyyyyyy but away). its taught me so much. a lot. but maybe i'm getting tired of it. very.

i want to find my way. i want to find my place in this world.