You Don't Care, Do You?

"David's sudden emotional back-stepping probably would've been a catastrophe for me even under the best of circumstances, given that i am the planet's most affectionate life-form (something like a cross between a golden retriever and a barnacle), but this was my very worst of circumstances. I was despondent and dependent, needing more care than an armful of premature infant triplets. His withdrawal only made me more needy, and my neediness only advanced his withdrawals, until soon he was retreating under fire of my weeping pleas of 'where are you going, what happened to us?'

The fact is, i had become addicted to David, and now that his attention was wavering, i was suffering the easily foreseeable consequences. Addiction is the hallmark of every infatuation-based love story. It all begins when the object of your adoration bestows upon you a heady, hallucinogenic dose of something you never even dared to admit that you wanted - an emotional speedball, perhaps, of thunderous love and roiling excitement. Soon you start craving that intense attention, with the hungry obsession of any junkie. When the drug is withheld, you promptly turn sick, crazy and depleted (not to mention resentful of the dealer who encouraged this addiction in the first place but who now refuses to pony up the good stuff anymore - despite the fact that you know he has it hidden somewhere, goddamn it, because he used to give it to you for free). Next stage finds you skinny and shaking in a corner, certain only that you would sell your soul or rob your neighbours just to have that thing even one more time. Meanwhile, the object of your adoration has now become repulsed by you. He looks at you like someone he has never met before, much less someone he once loved with high passion. The irony is, you can hardly blame him. I mean, check yourself out. You're a pathetic mess, unrecognizable even to your own eyes.

So that's it. You have now reached infatuation's final destination - the complete and merciless devaluation of self. "

- Eat Pray Love

i know i've already said this a zillion times, but this book is good. maybe i could relate to it pretty well on a personal basis. maybe it speaks for me.

especially now. when i just cannot find the right words to express how i feel, what i'm thinking. and it's frustrating because i just wished my sentiments were known! but i don't know how to get it out of me. my vocabulary feels inadequate. sigh.

i just wished you'd somehow, automatically, know how to read me. i'm dying here.

"i don't know how to ask you. i don't know how to bring it up again. because it would make me appear ever more needy. ever more desperate. and i don't want you to think that i'm being too clingy. because i am not. i am just that kind of person that needs an answer to every question that keeps haunting and hounding my mind. i need that certainty. i need to feel like my questions are being answered. even if it isn't the answer that i want, i'm sure i'd be ok. and even if i won't be ok, i know i will be soon. i just need a bit of time to let it go. to let you go.

i miss the days when you would wrap me up in your arms. when your hands would incidentally find mine. when you would find every excuse to be near me. when i could feel you even when you're a million miles away.

what happened then? how did it turn out like this?

now all that's left is a memory of that vague, murky past. what could've been. should've been. and all that wishful thinking.

every song reminds me of you. every lyric. every tune.
every movie reminds me of you. every move. every laughter. every joke.

i am tired of it. truly exhausted from all the emotional and mental exertion. you have broken that wall. you have seen it all come crashing down. i am now a mess in a pile of rubble. i just need a little bit of time. i just need that little bit of courage to let you go. i need you to help me to let me let you go. don't come knocking on my door. don't come running back to me again. i need to do this right for once. it isn't fair for me. neither it is for you because i'm constantly trying to make you be someone you're not.

Let me let go.."

- somewhere behind that veil