say goodbye

If I seem distant
Baby I am
Words are like scissors in your hands
And there’s no script to follow
So I just close my eyes
That way it won’t hurt so much
When we say goodbye

I feel just like an actress
Up on the stage
I can’t believe
What I’m hearing myself say
And the porch light is my spotlight
So I play along with this life
That way it won’t hurt so much
When we say goodbye

Did you ever love me?
Does it even matter?
Did you even notice the whole world shatter?
I just want to hold you ‘til you know I’m sorry
But I just keep it all inside
That way it won’t hurt so much
When we say goodbye

My heart feels like a circus
It’s to much to take in
It’s hard to lose love
But you were my best friend

So I walk this high wire
Alone….tonight
That way it won’t hurt so much
When we say goodbye

empty

now i do understand why, that it's become a habit. that before i go to bed at night, i need to read the horoscope for the next day.

it's just because i needed someone, or something, a sign, to tell me what to do. because i am clueless. because i am.... blank.

though it may seem as if we've known each other for a substantial amount of time, i find you slipping away from the person i used to know. or at least i thought i knew.

maybe we weren't meant to break the walls down. maybe we were just meant to know each other between two spaces in time.

how is it so that you don't remember me for the things that i've done. for the things i've done for you. for us. and so, i ask myself everyday, every minute, why do you only remember me for the things that i have NOT done? and to make matters worse, you accuse me of things that i didn't do or say. is it not enough that you broke my heart once, twice, thrice and then every other minute that you now have to resort to throwing such nasty and false allegations at me time and time again? and then you frame me up, put me in that claustrophobic box where i can't breathe.

you didn't want me in the first place. you didn't want to commit. so then what do you want from me now? my heart has been aching since the first day you said we would never make it. and then i allow myself to hope and to dream and to keep the faith. but time and time again you shatter my heart as i left it at your doorstep over and over again.

i am utterly. disappointed. angry. frustrated. mad. i hate how every word you say shakes me up deep inside while i try so hard to hide it away from the world. i hate that i love you. i hate how they take you away. i hate how they insert thoughts in your head and make you turn away against me. it is, afterall, me against the world.  but i know, that no matter how hard i try, we would probably never make it. i want to move on from you. i want to let go.

then maybe, someday, some time, we may find ourselves again, back at where we once knew each other..

stop

you don't have to understand me. you don't have to know me.

if it has to take you that long to know the person i truly am, then just don't. just give up.

but stop. stop accusing me for the things i didn't do. for the things i didn't say.

stop putting that dart through my heart.

really, honestly, life has been quite uneventful thus far. hence the lack of updates. i don't even know what to write here. i mean part of me don't even know what the fuck i'm doing with my life.

anaes and radio posting started. anaes is uber awesomely fun! :) yes, another choice i would really consider in the near future. currently, it stands at paediatrics, surgery, anaesthesiology and ENT :) love being in the OR the whole day. being in scrubs. with air cond! no sweat :) me likes. and especially with anaes, i could bum the whole day sitting in the OR and just read a novel, play with my phone, dress up with killer heels all day. BESTTTT! heh.

its exactly 8 months to graduation. and 10 months to working as a house officer. kill me?

mum came and went back. one week gone. just like that. snap. hate it when she has to leave. takes me a lot of time and courage to pick myself back up again and to realise that i'm alone in this (sounds like some breakup but yes). 

oh right! now i do remember what i have to write about :) the 3rd asia pacific gastroesophageal cancer conference (APGCC) ! :D totally loved it. it just further inspires me to be a surgeon :) all my favourite surgeons here were there. Mr Maha is an absolute gem. Dato is just.. god. and all other really nice people. it just leaves me wondering if i'd ever be that good. and if i'd ever make such a huge impact in my career that could change people's lives. of course, apart from all the "work" we did there, there was time for shopping at sunway pyramid, one U, and haha stealing freebies :) we're only malaysians..

Mr. Mahadevan, my favourite surgeon :)

i think i need to stop giving shits to what people do to annoy me, or what they say to get me down. because ultimately, i've only 8 months left here and then we're all going our separate ways (crossing my fingers and hope i don't get the same hospital as you suck ass people) and then you can do anything you want or die for all i care.


ok, very random but it's also part of what's been bothering me for the past weeks. so i hear shit. and i have to take the shit in. but who the fuck cares anymore.

oh well.. i really should get going. tumblr coming up soon, just need to get the background done. and learn some stuff abit before i completely transfer the thing. i do still love blogspot! :(

harry potter this wednesday! :D

i miss home. i always do. but so does everyone. and ps: it doesn't make me any more of a cry baby than you are. piss off! 

hello people. i am currently contemplating if i should switch to tumblr? or stay here. :D tell me what to do!

you always know the way to my heart...

masked

i need to wake up. and start realizing the harshness of the reality that i live in.

no. you don't deserve me. you don't deserve what i have to give. you don't deserve what i have to offer.

you, don't deserve to be my friend.

now would you please step aside?

Dave Matthews Band - Crash Into Me

my only exception ♥

october has been one of the most eventful month ever. the ups. and the downs. paeds exams finally ended. i've this extremely weird feeling about paeds since i started a month ago. i'm finding myself hating the subject. really. partly prolly because i started it out really rough and i just somehow didn't feel like i've grasped enough throughout the 4 weeks. looked like a complete idiot when prof asked me how does one get dengue when i happily and loudly answered female anopheles mosquitoe. great. he probably thinks i'm stupid. saq paper - completely stunned at how vague the questions were. and tuberculosis?! that is internal med lah please. grr.

the up side to all of that - is PARAMOREEE!♥

oh loves. absolutely. stunningly. utterly. amazing. awesome. incredible.

19th october 2010.

best awesome rock concert night ever! :) totally worth the amount i paid. which of course was the cheapest ticket but heck, we got to sit at the more expensive seats because noone checked. oh yes!

oh the start of the concert was amazing. all that screaming and shouting and shrieks. all that frenzy! it was crazeee! :D and to know that i was part of that !

they did most of my favourite songs. ignorance. that's what you get. brick by boring brick. WHEN IT RAINS! the only exception. crushcrushcrush!! and ended with misery business :) oh totally hearts!

hayley - she's just amazing. she's so absolutely talented and beautiful! she's like this tiny little figure jumping and prancing non-stop on the stage. it was so effortless. where the hell did she find that energy to do it for 2 hours?! its crazy. and the rest of the band - absolutely flawless. like they have this same routine where they do the head bangings with legs wide opened, all together! it was so cute.

i know i've been going on and on about this for ages now. and its all i ever want to talk about and carry a conversation about with others. like seriously. like oh, you speak paramore too?! omg! haha. and its all over my facebook. yes. and its part of another reason why i got depressed and totally refused to study and hate paeds more. like why the fuck am i doing medicine. i should quit and start a band myself and tour the world and see all the beautiful things there is. life just doesn't stop at medicine. pfft.

i lived and breathed paramore every second of my life since the concert. it was insane. i was pretty sure i was turning manic.  oh wells, life goes on. i'm sure i'm still a rockstar despite doing medicine :D haha.

pa ra pa pa ra pa pa ra ! :) ♥

 

joel. ellice. maya. pei. ho wai. aaron

 

  

 

was extremely high the whole week and the following week! :) glad to hear that angelene and mun cheng was there too! :) ♥

because i know better

i looked through abir's tumblr. they're all filled with "i love you"s and "i will wait for you" and "i want us". and then i remember all the times i said that. here. and to you. and i realise that i've been so stupid all along. you never wanted "us". you only wanted "you". i want to tell her so badly that it won't ever work out. we would just be waiting for rain in a long and terrible drought.

i don't deserve any hope, do i? i just didn't think i would've mattered so much less, and in so short a time, to you. people move on, don't we?

I’m not going to force you to break it down, I’m going to let you do it on your own. And when you do, I’ll let you.
This is how much I am into you, you know that? Then again, maybe i WAS. but i guess not anymore now. because you just built me another wall to keep me away from ever loving again. 

i am..

the stupidest person ever alive. yes?

coming soon

updates soon. not now. i will die if i don't start studying for my paeds soon. seriously.


PARAMORE ROCKKKKSSSS!

loved :)

i came home for the weekends. i think i needed this break away from where we were. i was in such a big mess.

spent the few days at home just being with my mum and dad. my aunt. and my baby niece :) love her to bits although she did fart in my face. LOL.

i think i am a lot better now. i still do think about you. but i've come to terms with it. i am accepting it. time will tell the truth, i'm sure.

i thank god everyday for giving me this strength to move on. and for sending me his angels to help me through it all.

thank you ho wai, for always being there. taking me out and constantly reminding me that life doesn't just end here. and for buying me sammy the moose! :) i love you ho wai!

thank you hui li for calling me up and checking on me. i miss you so very very much! come home soon ok :)  i love you more darling! kisses :D

thank you pau for always listening to me grumble and complain and cry over the phone. i know you have other, aherm, "things" to attend to, and i'm sorry i took up so much of your time. but thank you :)

thank you shaf for making me smile all the time. and for all that you've told me ( it was harsh, but it was the truth that i needed to hear). thank you for making me look forward to so many things. and for just being here. you know i love you shaf!

and of course my mum - who's undying love have been keeping me alive.

♥

it doesn't change anything, does it? we're still ... broken.

i wake up every morning, thinking about all that we've said the past two weeks. and then i think about everything that we've said to each other since more than a year ago. all the promises you made to me. all the broken ones. you said you would never hurt me. you would never have the heart to. but you did it, no matter what.

i go to bed every night wishing i had the power to make things right. wishing i could've turned back time to where we could start over. wishing we could still pick up the pieces from where we last left behind and make it happen.

i fake a smile along the corridors when they walk by. i try so hard to talk to people, and pretend to be happy. to be ok. but the truth is, my heart is still shattered. and i can't seem to find a way to fix it back. i don't know how to do it without you.

i need you now

i thought about us last night. how you would hold me in your arms while we sleep the night away. i miss you too much. i wanted to call you so badly but i just couldn't pick up the phone. i wouldn't. my heart screams and is aching so bad. but my mind is telling me that i need to stop needing and wanting you.

you're so near and yet, so far.

"and i wonder if i ever crossed your mind,
for me it happens all the time,
it's a quarter after one, 
i'm a little drunk and i need you now,
said i wouldn't call but i lost all control and i need you now,
and i don't know how i can do without,
i just need you now"

i think about you all the time too ♥

questions

i asked myself this everyday of my life since 14 months and 4 weeks ago. i just didn't want to admit it. i just couldn't accept it. because i have given everything at my best. and so i couldn't understand why you don't see me that way.

it's starting to sink in. really. i thank god for making each day a little more bearable for me. and i thank Him for all the people he sends to me every step of my way.

i need to stop. i will.

ps: i'm sorry my readers will have to bear with all these emotional thoughts at its random. it is, afterall, my only way to salvage my sanity.