despite all this, i still miss you. and i still love you.

and that despite the hundreds of people that come into my life everyday, there isnt a day that i don't think about us before i go to bed.

i completely have no idea what's been running on your mind lately and even if i do, i doubt it would make any difference to where we are right now. it's just that it still hurts.

and it hurts a lot.

i wished i wasn't always sappy. i wished i was stronger than this.

gahss. wake up. oncall again tomorrow. life doesnt get any easier. :)

looking forward to another 3 months. and an end of posting holiday to anywhere. 1 month down in medical. RAWRRR.

surgical posting - checked.

sigh. its been a long journey. well at least it feels so. 4 months. and now into my 5th month working.

surgical has been awesome. minus the tagging part. the shift system was crazy awesome. and ppl were (yes, cocky) but cool. sighs. why did medical have to come.

i hate medical. dont ask me why just because it's medical. bahh! its not fun when you're working with incompetent, bossy, ohimsogreat kinda ppl. irks me to my core!

and tagging happened. sucks. and nephro call coming soon. sucks even more :(

after all this, life goes on. doesnt it always? at times i wished i had the courage to say NO. just to say NO.
what am i doing with my life? what do i want? shucks.

well i guess we all move on. whether we like it or not. sometimes there are things that are just meant or arent meant to be. and every step we take would be a risk to take. i remember telling surin, if we don't take the risks in life, we'd never know where it may lead us. for that spur of a moment i was so proud of myself for having said such a philosophically true phrase. it's always easier said than done. true. but i dont think that theres anything that cant be done as long as we set our minds to it. love isnt everything i guess that's true too. i am trying to move on from you. sure, there are some days where you just come into my head and mess everything up and made me wonder what if we hanged in there. but i don't think there's any turning back from now on.

:)

a horrible end to the year.

but a beautiful start to the new year :)

gotta love life's dramas eh?

christmas was good. rach invited me to join in the CF christmas caroling in the paediatric wards :) that feeling of making these kids' day a little brighter is extremely irreplaceable. and we've got goodies for them too!

and then christmas eve was awesome too! drinking session with my bestie at straits. straits was just amazingly beautiful. and people were crazy! oh wells, its the company that matters :)

new year's eve was ALSO at straits quay. its the most happening place here in penang whadya expect! :) the best part about it was that the three of us (my male besties since puberty age) were together there. we' ve come a long way, haven't we? :)

then came my favourite event of the year. summed up an awesome year! my cousin brother's wedding :) been waiting for a long longggg time since my cousin sister's 3 years ago. another one coming up soon, i hope! 

                                                                       my little girl ♥

                                            

                                                                         the couple

                                                                       la familia  :)

its been a great year thus far. Batu Pahat. passing EOS10. graduation. holiday trips to Bali and Korea. definitely NOT work (but work's work fuck it). and yes. :)

new year's resolution? the losing weight part will always be there LOL. but um, haven't sorted things out yet. so we'll see :)

work again tomorrow, night people!

things can't get anymore easier, can they?

men can't get anymore less complicated too, can they?

why now. why is everything happening now. why.

i mean seriously, can't you just shut your fucking mouth up and tell me you want to spend the rest of your life with me and you'll give me all the love and happiness in the world and then actually do and show it?

and i thought women have period issues to deal with. pfft.

i'm scared.

i don't know if i can bear the consequences of the decision i just made.

why do i do this to myself all the time. why do i need to beat myself up.

i want for us to do this together as much as you do. i dont want to lose you.

but what if this is for the better. what if things are meant to turn out as such.

haven't i already run this through my head a million times.

why am i still at where i stood since forever?

today's the only off day i get, like a real proper one, not a postcall one, after 6 weeks of work. seriously. why hasn't anyone complained about how this is all against labour law?! RAWR

my life has gotten so mundane and boring that there really isn't much to write in here. sighs. everyday is just a repetition of the same cycle: get up and yell fuck you --> work and get screwed --> come home and eat the hell out of myself --> sleep like a pig. and it repeats itself the next day.

the only salvations to my poor, broken soul are the comfort of home and mum, the very few people i hangout with here ( actually i think theres only you and you lols ), playing my music with my piano and guitar, tv, and facebook! :)

lunch appointments, dinner hangouts, coffee hangouts, i mean these things make me look forward to the week, which i think is exceptionally essential after all that shit i get from work. happy :)

oh, my pay came in! some miniscule amount, but ok, what can i say? can't complain. life is life. can't wait till i pass that mrcpch and shove it in the pm's face. everyone i know seems to be waiting for my pay day LOL. ive got a date at kampachi, another with my best friend, and my aunt cant stop bugging me to bring her to the market (she's an aunty, what can i say) and for breakfast. and the bills at home! reality check. gahs.

i miss you.

everyday.

♥

i don't want to jinx it.

but work has so far been fairly ok. it's just the part of having to get up at 5am, beat myself at it, drag myself (literally) out of my bed and walking into the oh so depressing hospital. the smell of it makes me sick all the time.

my ward has been great so far, very much thanks to the help i get from my super seniors. liang wei (my professor like sifu!), firdaus, nasir and fazrul. yes, i was the only teeny weeny female amongst my androgenic bunch of colleagues. theyve taught me so much and have made my life so much easier!

i don't want to move to another ward tomorrow! :( females are always a tough lot to handle blergh. the oh so many pms moments.

please do continue to be kind to me!

i literally drag myself up every morning. and every part of me just cries in pain.

this transition from medical school and holidays, to these somewhat absurdly ridiculous and agonizing days, just kills every part of me - it feels like cancer.

don't have to remind me how i need to stop complaining and whining like geezgetalife. i'd have to work and bring the money home some day soon. and unfortunately that day has arrived. its my responsibility. its my life. i get all that.

but everytime i look back and ponder on my times in university, with you and you you you you and you, and the things we did, the laughs we laughed and the crazy shits we shared. those crazy exam moments where we had each other all the time. and that one goal that we all had. my heart would twitch. and i'd sink back into these memories etched in my heart.

the best times of my life has got to be the ones in imu. edinburgh. uk. dato's classes. even eos. holidays. bali.

as of this point, i don't know how to continue living and pretending as if everything is ok. it isn't. but i do know that i need to stop living in my past, i've got to move on.

move on, how? i've yet to figure that out. one day.

how do you pick up the pieces of the life you once knew?

there isn't a day that i don't regret doing this. none.

i don't get why im working my ass off for this.

a little bit of gratitude and appreciation would go a long way. thanks.

i would relive my imu days all over again no matter how painstaking it was it isnt as painstaking as this is.

i wished everyday was graduation day.

i wished everyday was bali with him.

i wished everyday was korea.

i wished everyday he was with me, at every step of my way.

i wished he was here.

i miss you babe :(

induction came and go. i wished work would come and go too. gah!

and so i will be stuck here at home, penang.. for the next 2 years, until i finally find "my place" and until i figure out what to do with my life and career or maybe until i find a rich man and just marry him. :) lifelong ambition really!

to say that i'm completely elated at the fact that i'd be serving my own hometown.. i'm not quite sure i really am that excited and oooohhh!-like. there's just too many doubts, too many questions, and too many worries that's running through my mind as i step into this uncharted sea of work.

most of all, i know i miss him like crazy. people ask why he isn't coming along with you. shrugs. i don't even know it myself. family commitments? its prolly the only more comforting reason i can tell myself everyday. sara asked me if we are going to work things out the long distance way (fuck i hate LDRs - never believed in them), we will. the plans haven't quite settled in yet because we don't know how the work load and schedules are going to be like, and until then, we'll wait for that day to see each other again. :)

wish me luck guys. isn't it crazy? from school, to college, imu, and now hospital pulau pinang wtf.

pray.

i love you b. i'll see you soon, promise.

to all my sisters and bitches (in a friendly way) out there, we'll do this together, and we'll see each other again soon. promise!

and yes.

today i start work.

i just want to be happy.

who finally took the initiative and effort to start planning a trip with ze frens to somewhere on earth?

ME. pfft. trust you people to do it.

Bali is an exceptionally gorgeous place. i mean seriously, gorgeous is so much of an understatement. its HEAVEN ON EARTH. and i swear it. its so breathtaking, amazing, extraordinary and crazy, crazy beautiful. and you can't stop to wonder if such a haven really do exist here on earth. and i will do it all over again, i swear.

i thought the number of days and the company was just perfect. 4 days, with him, surin, howai and zi. :) short and sweet enough for you to want more of Bali and return one day again to live more luxuriously (haha, we were trying very hard to fit everything into our poor budget when oh, you soooo can live and enjoy Bali in a much more expensive way like a billionaire).

Bali Sorgawi hotel was ok. i mean that's what you get for the amount that you pay. only howai complained about how stupid the hotel was because there was no internet for him to upload his statuses and pictures on facebook 24/7. frowns.

food was ok, not quite suited to my taste buds but it will do :D bebek bengil (this roasted duck thing) was my favourite!

loved the town and everything in it! its so ulu and yet not too ulu and not urbanized at all (haha i dont know what i'm talking about!) and it's just so rich in history and culture. i mean its so Bali! :) sculptures, buildings, carvings, monuments, statues, and its people - they were so Balinese! oh i so love it! people are friendly and things are relatively cheap (we were for once, millionaires in rupiahhhsss! :D LOL)

my favourite place in Bali? definitely Uluwatu and Tanah Lot. and yes, i will go back to both these places again and just sit there and be absorbed and mesmerized all over again with its nature and beauty and feel alive in heaven again. really, its heaven at your feet :)

and oh yes, now i do know why Elizabeth Gilbert returned to Bali the second time round, and why she loved it so much and why she fell in love with Felipe here. :)

Uluwatu temple :) gorgeous, aint it? 

heaven at your feet - Tanah Lot :) loves. 

 Bersakih temple - so Balinese!

Seafood dinner at Jimbaran beach, and the gang :)

Jimbaran beach :) breathtaking sunset!

and korea, soon. hehs. xx.

ps: induction letter arrived. FML. 

The Golden Era :)

i am officially back. back home, back to shithole reality. oh well, then again, life cannot be any better now what with all that major bumming every minute of the day. BLISS! :)

convocation and graduation dinner ended - so much for all the hype. was in KL for that entire week, afterall, i don't know when i'd be back there again. i miss it already :(

preparing for the dinner was crazy. ohh, but surin and i did have a lot of fun in the process. at times i wished i wasn't that fugly. i wished my eyes were bigger, that i had double eyelids so that everyone could see that i have eye shadow on (wtf noone can see it even after hundreds of attempt pfft), i wished i was taller, wished my arms were slimmer (it looked like a feckin drumstick i could chomp on wtf). so much of imperfections even plastics can't save me dear lord.

dinner itself sucked. completely. the chicken, soup, bread, tomatoes, potatoes, drinks were all WRONG. honestly my maggi mee tastes better! i think the only thing we paid for was for its venue and deco. seriously. its a very beautiful, pretty place. but the food and its entrance (it was like going into a construction site its soooo weird?!!) were a total disaster. blergh.

the best part of the entire dinner was how my vision was only 50% BECAUSE I WAS ON CONTACT LENS (because no ordinary contacts could fit my visual prescription, yes that is how retarded my vision is) hahaha! andddddd i was supposed to play the piano and sing. meehhh, managed the entire song without a scratch! (hahaha cakap besar now siaaaa) :D

everyone looked really pretty. and handsome, yes. hot doctors alert yo! :) the pictures will tell the story ;)

my favourite picture of the night. NOT because i photoshopped it, but im so amazed at how flattering we both looked! :D 

and here's to convocation.

i literally heaved a sigh of relief as i woke up that morning and every step i took towards IMU Bukit Jalil reminded me of my early days in med school. oh, that sense of melancholy reminiscing the good old days, things were always much simpler when they are less decisions and choices to make, when there are less forks as you thread along that journey towards that one goal. i don't think i was the happiest person on earth that day, i'd say it was my mum and dad. :) and as i walked through those corridors again, as a graduate, i felt that immense sense of achievement, its as if i finally knocked out a giant troll!

couldn't have done it without the very many people i've mentioned in my previous post, so, this, my title, my achievements and success are a tribute to each and everyone of them.

you made it all possible :) 

congratulations once again, DOCTORS of IMU C109 :)

ps: holiday posts soon. god i miss bali and korea. :(

officially a doctor now. bali trip tomorrow. korea soon. :)

you know it ;)

oh, this has gotta be the good life!

updates soon, when i get back from livin' my life :D

i conquered FOUR SHOPPING MALLS today. all in one day. WTF?!

seriously, when you want something, you can't find it. and when you're not interested in it the blardy thing keeps showing in front of your effin' face. pfft.

shopping for my graduation ball dress and convocation dress have proved to be a pain in the arse. ooohh yes. rolls eyes.

afterall, penang is only, merely an island. blergh. retire early tonight, and gear up for tomorrow again! ho ho ho.

this is crazy. this is madness. this is ridiculous. absurd. this is still SO SURREAL!

i will not stop anyone from calling me mabel with the additional DEEE AREEE (DR. you retard) in front. :) because i show off like that :) LOL. jokes jokes.

but no, i am still your average mabel. your average 'student' everyday. because hey, studying medicine doesn't just end right there. it's neverending, as if you haven't already heard.

it's been a whirlwind of emotions. it's been a crazy, rollercoaster ride. FIVE FREAKIN' YEARS. i didn't think i'd last that long. but hey, here i am. crossed the finish line. who said i wouldn't make it? NAH. IN YOUR FACE. nonetheless, i will not deny the fact that there have been umpteennnn times that i just really considered quitting, considered commiting suicide from the balcony of my bukit jalil room on the 23rd floor. kisah benar. so many times that i cried, wishing i had done something else, anything, but medicine. but i knew that there was no turning back and all i could do was to move on, a step at a time. say loads of prayers to God, asking Him to lead me, guide me. He's been my most faithful supporter through these trying times of mine. (ok, and my mum LOL). and i think of all the people's lives that i've made a difference in, and the wonderful friends and just random strangers, inspirational role models that have crossed my path - it gives me strength. so here, i would like to thank a few people (shuddup lah, very typical of me i know but wat the fuck you're reading my blog):

mum: for EVERYTHING that you've provided me with. for your endless love and words of wisdom and encouragement. i am here not because of myself (ok maybe a bit lah harrr) but because of you.

God: for answering my prayers every night. for showing me the way. for loving me.

surin: it's been FIVE YEARS! and YOU have been there for me (i'm sure ive been there for you also tsk) every step of the way. from the first day of medical school, right up till now. the crying sessions, gossipstressrelieving sessions, makan moments, whining moments (only you can hear me whine allll the time - because you whine the same amount also! LOL). and to mummy and daddy, for being my second mummy and daddy. love you much. i'll see you soon.

michelle: whadya know woman. it'll be your turn soon. i wouldn't have done this without you. what with all the boy problems feck them. although we're oceanssss apart (sounds like a dramamama love story), i'm glad we had each other through thick and thin. and the numerous sleep over sessions! :) love you more!

B: i don't know how to call you by name anymore. so weird. 2.5 years, through all the madness. the fights and cries. through the happy, crazy, "exotic" times :D i drove me up the wall all the time, but you always knew your way around me. thank you for being there whenever i was a mess, during my pms moments and for allowing me to violently slap you in your balls (not literally!) when it all gets to crazy. most of all, for believing that i could do anything and for being my number one fan :) love you.

ho wai: my faithful walking encyclopaedia :) what would i have done without you. where would all the fun be?! from you, i've learnt so much, not only from a medical perspective, but life as a whole. how to not learn tai chi to survive in this world! how to not learn how to skip class and not get caught, sleep in the oncall rooms, to divert the lecturer's attention, to divert anything and everything to our own benefit! :D hahaha. you know i love you. thanks for looking out for me always and saving my burnt ass all the time and for bringing me life! :)

housies pik and lump and second housie maya T: my two lesbian partners at home. where would i be releasing my sexual frustrations if not for you guys? :D thank you for everything, we did it! will you all ever call me by my proper name again? :( LOL. always your bo :)

sooiphing: for being the most understanding non-medically related bestfriend i ever had. for believing in me and for your neverending shower of love, care and support. here's to many more penang moments! :)  

dr wong: for your patience, guidance (literally spoon feeding me) and words of inspiration. you are nothing but the best friend, best lecturer, and best counsellor and best senior i've ever had. i think i do like nephrology a little bit more ;) thank you for everything.

joel: 'marry me' always makes me smile :) thank you for constantly cheering me along the way and for the random surprises that you do to make my day feel more alive at every single moment. and for being there to hear me out and telling me that i can do it. i did it :) and you will too. i'll wait to hear you bring the same news i brought to you 2 days ago. i have every faith in you! love you much! :)

shaf: for just being you. for calming me down all the time, and for having faith in me. and for all the prayers too! :) wouldn't have done it without you.

everyone in IMU: to the datos (my favourite is youknowwho) for your constant guidance and words of wisdom, i am here today, BECAUSE YOU ALL PASSED ME. rofl. dato, you've been an inspiration and the best teacher i could ever ask for. thank you from the bottom of my heart.

family and friends: to everyone i didnt mention, you know i have you in my heart. for your unwavering support and faith in me, and for sticking by me through it all, i love you! :)

here's to the entire C1/09 batch, here's to us! we all did it. i'm sorry if i were ever a pain in the ass. i'm extremely honored to have been part of the batch. here's to an awesome and bright future for all of us :) YUM SENG! :)

 congratulations once again, to the graduating class of C1/09 MBBS IMU! :)


as for me, i shall now retire. clean up my disgustingly terrible room and house with random boxes all over. i will see you all soon. toodles!

it's time. to prove that i am worth it. to prove that i've actually done something for the past 5 years. its been 5 years down the road. and it still seems unbelievable and so surreal to me.

in less than 24 hours, judgement day.

wish me luck. pray! i will be home with good news. :)

this goes out to my entire batch, even if we dont see eye to eye, from the bottom of my heart, i hope we all get pass the finishing line together.

someone wise said, the only person to fail you, is yourself.

CHARGEEEEE! :)

16 days and counting. to the moment we've all been waiting for. i don't know how it's gonna turn out. i don't know what the verdict will be.

but i will hold myself together. i will do what it takes. it's been 5 years. finally.

pray.

shia my love :)

it's been awhile since i've posted movie reviews in here. :) and transformers 3: dark of the moon is a must! :)

god, how can anyone, ANYONE, deny shia labeouf?! dayummmm!

*spoiler ahead*

i thought it was a good movie. better than the second one, my opinion. shia is just perfect for the role of sam and he plays it so effortlessly. i like how some of the original casts are still here. josh duhamel, john turturro, tyrese gibson, julie white and kevin dunn (plays mom and dad!). i don't think anyone, can bring what megan fox brought to the screen for the previous two movies. now i really do miss her. rosie huntington was so fake! the on-screen chemistry was definitely stronger and wayyyy better between megan and shia (afterall, he did admit to them being together for awhile, didn't he? :) john malkovich was okayyy. what the fuck is patrick dempsey doing in there?! i mean sure, he is hot, very. but why is he the bad guy?! pfft. such an asshole.

i thought the plot was pretty solid. good action, good story, great people, stunning effects and sound .. mmm, just awesome.

as for the autobots, amazing as always. decepticons you suck. and why the fuck is megatron still alive?! did they not tear him into pieces and throw him into the deep blue ocean?! mehh.. bring someone new!

i'd give it a 8/10. A.W.E.S.O.M.E.. congratulations michael bay, for another masterpiece :)

p/s: if shia labeouf is not in transformers 4, i WILL NOT watch it. goodday and goodbye.