the hardest thing to do

he and i haven't had such a long, heartfelt conversation in a long long time. then again, it's not like we ever really spoke openly about how we felt before. then again, i'm sure i did. i just never got to hear it from him.

and i realized that there were so many things that were left unsaid. so many things i wished i'd hear before it had to resolve to this. can't help but to keep asking myself "what if" and "why didn't you".

why didn't you tell me this before

why didn't you assure me of all this before

why didn't you tell me how important i was before

why didn't you tell me how much you liked me before

why didn't you tell me all the things i want to hear before

why didn't you hold my hand when we were out before

why didn't you tell me how i held that special place in your heart

why didn't you tell me how you really want to care

why didn't you tell me how much i mattered to you

sigh. it just had to come down to this, hadn't it. i just want him to know that it took a lot out of me to make the decision i made 3 months ago. even if it meant that it was tearing me apart, breaking my every soul in me. it just wasn't enough for me. all that frustration and anger and him not understanding what i want. and in the end, i realized we would sooner have to resort to this. it would only end up this way if we kept it longer. i didn't want to change him. i couldn't bring myself to do it. i didn't want to be that psychotic bitchy girl friend who controlled every part of his life. because in the end, he would only resent me for the things i made him do. it took me long enough to realise that we both wanted different things. we were different. he would always be so laid back about everything else. and i would be that uptight-dislodged-screw-in-the-head girl.

it was painful. it still is. and as selfish as i am (and i'm sure any other girl would say the same), i'm still demanding all i can from him. it's not fair. i know. he only wants to be happy too. so do i. and my pursuit for happiness was at his expense. i should stop. trying.

i said to him. even if it meant we were moving on. or we are two separate individuals now. he will always have that special place in my heart. no matter what. i will be there. through all despairs. i've got his back. and i know he's got mine too :)