day one of treatment.

rashes surfacing. urine changing colour.

a little overwhelmed.

ill get through this won't i?

keep me in your prayers. 

hanging by a moment

i wished you didn't just say that. no. you didn't.

i miss you. so much. i miss you so, so, so, very much b.

and all i ever wanted was for us to build a family together.

I'm sorry i should've known it must've been tough on your end too. as much as it is for me.

we had it all planned out. we talked about hope and love, and marriage.

you promised.

i did too.

i said i would.

a thousand yes. anytime. anywhere. for you.

will we ever get there?

I've loved you then. i still love you now. so much that it fills my heart with tears.

i want to be the one to walk down this journey with you. together.

please.

i love you. 

So near yet so far

I remember the day when our eyes first met. When you first smiled across the table at me and offered me a piece of tissue (cheesy really, but that got you the girl, didn't it?) I've known you all my life, it's amazing how we met again on that one beautiful day.

What I love about you? They say you don't need any valid reason to love someone. I don't have them all listed down either.

I love you for your patience and kindness. You have showered me with these two qualities that you possess so freely for the last 3 years and I could not be anymore grateful to God for having sent you into my life. The last 3 years wouldn't have been the same without your presence. I may not have been the best girlfriend in the world. I know I've been a pain in the ass royal highness since the dawn of time and yet, you've found ways to put up with all my madness. Not only with my horrible, demanding ways, you've also been utterly patient with my work and my crazy schedule. For that, I'd be eternally grateful and I cannot have felt more blessed in my life.

We talked about getting married and building a family together. Having kids and growing old, holding each others hands as we take our last stroll at the park. Ive always wanted that so much, so badly for the two of us. I didn't know how badly I wanted us to work out until then. It's amazing how much we've been through together and how much we've grown as individuals as well. I know I've learnt so much from you. I don't know if I had that much to offer you, but I hoped I've helped you to grow not only side ways, but much more as a person.

I guess we both know it wasn't a bed of roses either. The past 3 years have been a battle, not only with ourselves but the social circumstances that haunted us. Mum has been the biggest factor as to why we couldn't always hangout like normal couples do. And also part of the reason why our relationship Is always stuck at where it is. It's funny because i actually do seem to get where she's coming from and part of me does want the things she wants for me - someone stable and secure
financially, and generally a good man who would love me just as much as I love him and who's able to take care of me and the kids for the rest of our lives. You are a good man, I have never doubted you. But I guess we both know where our problem is. I am here, and you're there. I've tried baby, believe me I've tried when I said we'd give us a chance. Somehow, things just seem to go nowhere even after all these times.

And as I get older, I've come to realize that love isn't everything. Sure, love is the reason why people fall in love in the first place, but there are other fundamental elements as well in keeping a marriage alive. I think at some point of time, we'd both have to be realistic.

I don't know where we're headed to all of a sudden. There's just too any uncertainties clouding our relationship. At times, I stop to think that because I love you so much, I owe this to you - because I love you so much, I'd want you to find the girl who can accept you for the things you are and be satisfied with it, rather than have you die trying to be someone I want you to be.

I wished I knew the ending to our great love story. I wished I knew what to do next as well. I love you so much, and please do know that no matter what happens in the future, I will always have your back and I will always remember the beautiful memories we shared.

I love you.

torn

i should've known better how to keep my heart safe where it is. i guess i don't ever learn. 

maybe i was an easy target. too easy to get by. so eagerly waiting to be hurt. i wished i knew better. i wished i was stronger than this.

2 months was a relatively fast and short time to really get to know a person. but i guess i was just so comfortable with you that the express lane was such a comfortable ride to be in with you. seemed almost ridiculous that we'd spent so much time talking (and texting) that it feels like we could do this forever. even more ridiculous that at one point, everything just seemed to fit in. YOU seemed to have fit into the missing puzzle pieces. funny. but true.

and then, we have that "why you, why now" question. how infamous in our daily conversations. God has really funny ways of showing things. and sometimes i get mad at Him for messing my life up so much. if only He could just direct me to that right place for once and id swear id forever be grateful lah. i don't need to have reasons to be angry with God. but why you, why now?

why you, of all people. we've known each other for a freakin 6 months and nothing's happened. we'd see each other along the corridors and just smile and that casual hi-bye gesture. we'd see each other in the clinic and again, nothing. we'd be on call together too, and even more so, nothing. and it just had to completely swirl out of hands on that one fine day. which wasn't even really thatttt fine after all. why you, when you've had to lose someone the way you lost her, only to end up here at such a stupid cross road with me - ready to be hurt again. why you, when you deserve all the love and happiness in the world after all that you've been through.

why now, when things just seemed to go about as wrong as it can be with him? is this some sort of sign or what - i don't understand. why now, when it could've been like a year ago, or two. or way before all these. or way after.

God can get pretty funny sometimes.

i don't know how again did it spiral completely out of control. that we seemed to have lost it all in such a short time again. all it took was just a simple, stupid line in our conversation to blow everything apart. i wished you would just stop defending yourself so much and try so hard to make up excuses for saying what you said. if you had just owned up to it and apologised, i would've took that first step with you. i just wished you knew how much faith i had in you.

maybe i wasn't good enough as she were for you. i'm sorry, truly sorry. but i cannot be the one to fill in that empty space she left in your heart. i can accept that she was a huge part of your life. and that i have never once questioned that place she has in your heart. i only wished i had that special place right next to her, with you.

it hurts me so much when you said the things you said. hurts me even more when you tell me how much you miss me. but i cannot un-do all that has happened.

maybe one day, given time, when we are ready and better prepared for each other, that we'd find each other again like we did on the 4th of august. 

i miss you too, stitch. so much, i wished you knew. xoxo

confused.

funny how god works. you can never understand Him while youre at it. i wished i knew what to do because its driving me crazy. 

how did it happen without any signs at all?

 

why you. why now. 

bubbly toes...

I'm sorry i hadn't have much to write in here. it isn't that i don't have the time, but more like i waste it on spending time with him, watching vampire diaries (which has now become like the first thing i do when i get home after work!) or just bumming about and roaming the city, hunting for new street cafes around town. i have yet to turn this into a food blog because i don't have a proper camera to do so and because I wouldn't trust myself to blog on a food post every week or so (i mean who am i to kid right, i don't even have time to shit pfft and so it would've defeated the purpose of a food blog).

so i passed my part 1. yes, i cried like a baby when i read the result online. and no, I'm not trying to brag here but its because i take so much pride in the effort and work I've put in given the excruciatingly painful and stressful circumstances that I'm in. it is, actually, possible. and then, i became broke in just a month because i was pampering myself with retail therapy (yes because i totally deserved it!) and AUSTRALIA happened! 

how beautiful the land down under :) i could, possibly live there. and i am glad we made the trip around melbourne and sydney on our own this time. no tour guides, no buses to catch on time, no 30 mins meal to gobble down because we're on a tight schedule. no 5 min pit stops just to take pictures and prove that oh! i was here. no, none of that. it was a really casual, at-our-own-pace holiday. but my mum could've been a bit less dramatic, less grumpy and less expecting that I've lived in this city for like the entire years of my life. i mean seriously. 

along the Great Ocean Road. it really is amazing. :) i could live in Port Campbell all my life and watch the sunset and sunrise and the ocean everyday. 

the 12 apostles! there are only 8 of em currently though :) 

whats a trip to aussie without feeding some hungry kangaroos! :D

at the south bank promenade, watching the sunset behind the melbourne skyline :) i did enjoy melbourne so much because i think it really is such a vibrant and cool city to live in! 

 say hello to the sydney opera house! :) 

enjoying a cuppa special chocolate yum yum at the guylian chocolate cafe by the harbour! lurvessss maximus! :) 

needless to say, sydney wouldn't be complete without the harbour bridge picture. if it weren't so expensive to do the climb up the bridge, i definitely would've done it! :D 

so yes, australia was amazing. wished we had more time. i will definitely be back. maybe gold coast, perth and like the real australian outback in darwin? :D 

so after all that traveling, i came back to work with serious withdrawal symptoms (as always). i am really broke so i can't quite find the courage to plan for the next one yet. maybe .... halong bay and hanoi with mum next year? taiwan with him? hee :) 

enough...

Really, enough is enough. 

Cant anyone see that i am freakin, crazily tired. 

i can't do it all in a day. I'm no wonder woman. i have no supernatural powers. I'm not harry potter. 

a wooden stick would ultimately break if we persistently try to snap it no matter how strong it is. 

and i will too. 

let me go. just this once. 

a beginning to an end

2014 didn't quite start out the way i wanted it to. i remember i had a set of goals that i needed to achieve this year and i was penning it down halfway through. but unfortunately, I've never gotten the chance to put it down here due to some turn of events and i think that moment has probably passed. so i think i should just rest it. 

it's March only. (already?) i don't know. I'm a bit confused if i'd thought that was fast or slow. things didn't quite turn out the way i wanted it to. and I've been doing a lot of thinking, and crying. i mean, coming from someone who probably hasn't met with failure her entire life. i remember sitting down on my bed, and staring at the word. i was... somehow, empty. like i didn't know what to feel. i know i sort of saw it coming, but you know how people always say nahhh, you'll do fine. you always do. and you keep telling yourself like yeah, maybeeee, just mayyyyybe, id be ok. but no, i was not ok at all. i don't think a lot of people understood where i was coming from. he didn't either. and i think that made it all worse for me. i was alone. and i didn't know how to tell people. and even if i did, what could they have said more but its ok, don't give up, try again... yada yada yada. and for once in my life, i lost faith in myself, and in god. i asked him everyday if i did not deserve it as much as everyone else. i worked twice as hard, and i had so much to juggle with at home, and in my life. i had a crazy mum to handle, a broken home to mend, and a whole lot more of load on my shoulders to take care of. but i stayed twice stronger than anyone else. so i asked myself everyday for 2 weeks why didn't god love me as much as he loved them. i was broken. 

took me 2 whole weeks. and another 2 to come to my senses. not that i really am at my senses right now still. but.. agh, life goes on whether you like it or not. 

its been 5 months, since i ended my housemanship. I've been a floating MO ever since. i.e. you're neither a permanent MO, nor a houseman. so hence, the word floating. anaesthesia just isn't my thing. especially with what was going on in this stupid hospital. i hope its just this hospital. so much of politics, back-stabbing, gossips and just plain aunty antiques. URGHH. irks me to my core. seriously people, if you don't have a job, go get one. 

and JKN penang isn't doing such a pretty job either. it had to take them 5 months to realise that the letter from KKM was missing, and then hold a meeting to decide where they'd like to chuck us to, and come up with the letters. and they had to come up with it at this time when I'm due for my long awaited holiday trip to Redang with my girls and boy. fish you. so pissed. they only have 5 lines for you every time you call to get updates.

1. maaf lah, encik H takde kat tempat dia. tak tau bile balik.

2. ohh, encik H cuti hari ni. dia je yang tau tentang penempatan.

3. sorry ye, tapi encik H baru keluar. rasenya meeting kut. tak tau brapa lama.

4. encik H tak masuk kerje hari ni. dia cuti.

5. ohhh encik H dah balik dahhhh. dah pukul 5 ni. (i looked at my watch, it was 455pm)

and now, finally. bukit mertajam hospital. across the bridge. yay to partial freedom. urghhh to being super duper scared. 

it feels like a small burden off the shoulder. but I'm sure theres a bigger one coming. nonetheless, stay positive. evelynn said to me, follow your heart. it wouldn't take you off that far. yep :) 

i always tell people to have faith. its coming back to me now. and I'm sure god has plans for everyone. i know he has a plan for me too. :)

and thank you for the ones who's being there the past month. you know who you are. :) 

am i really destined to save people's lives? as kar how puts it. or is there something else out there for me.

the mark

it has been so.. so.. SOOO freaking long since I've been in here. i guess i really didn't have the time back then, or that i didn't really think my life was worth any tale here. its been somewhat mundane. somewhat boring and yet, somewhat crazy. as always, so many life lessons learned, so many things gained and somehow, so much lost too. 

work. 

i am officially done with housemanship. like, YESSSS! two freaking years of tears, and sweat and a whole lot of rubbish and experience. so many lives lost, and yet, so many saved. there are times when i can speak passionately about work, like how some friends and some patients and bosses have touched my lives. but there are times, when i start reflecting on how much my life could be better, i.e spend more quality time with the people i love most, earn 5 figures (yes, i have friends who do less work than i do, and they earn shit lots), or how ill treated we slaves have been for the government, it pains me so much that most days i just give up on everything. 

well the good thing is, i finally realised what i really want to achieve in life, what i see myself doing 10 years from now on. or at least i think i do? for now. :D i know i want to be able to have all the time in the world for my family, my kids (someday), mum, and him. and for friends. like really, work isn't everything. my patients and the hospital or clinic, will not, and never, be everything in my life. i wished i was one of those people who can feel so much about their job and dedicate their entire world to it, but i am sorry because i really do think that there needs to be a balance. well lets just say different people have different wants. :) 

first exam paper in january 2014. ooh-rah! i really hate studying. really really really REALLYY FTW. 

moving on to MO-ship soon. possibly next week. emo maximus! i guess penang will be seeing more of me. I'm not quite sure if its the best thing for myself, but at least its comforting to know that i didn't get places where cinemas and malls are non existent. oh wells. :) 

and to the bunch of awesome people whom I've spent a good 2 years with, rach, rf, pau and michie, thank you so much. for all the good times. and the bad. i hope we'll still have each other in the years to come! :) 

more details on italy soon :) 

getting back to the stupid book. pfft. 

Life and its many choices

I can't believe it's coming to an end. Two years of housemanship in a blink of an eye. So much gained, and so much lost. I do think that after all these, I am truly getting older by the day. I know we're not even doing a 36 hour call anymore, the most I have now is a 24 hour. And yet, I come home zombified after all the madness. Even working from 8-5 on a non night shift day makes me feel like an aunty every evening. Ok so who am I kidding, I'm 25! Pfft. And I'd think that after going through this various postings, I'd have figure out what I'd like to further in. But no, I am still stuck after all these years. Then again, sometimes I do think that I don't even want to do this at all. Medicine. Am I even cut out for this shit seriously. Sometimes I just don't care why patients have low phosphate levels, or why are they shitting black stools. And I'm so angry with myself that I know if I was given a choice again, I would most likely have chosen something else. But then again I wouldn't know what else to do in the first place! Fml. So where to go from here?             

heart

there's just too many things i want to say. so many things i need to say.

but i just couldn't find the words.

not today.

i miss you so much right now. that when i look into your eyes, i just know that i want to spend the rest of my life with you.

i want to grow old with you. hold your hand while taking a stroll in the park. sit on a bench and rest my head on your shoulders. and then, we could forget about the world.

i wished mum would see you one day, the way i see you everyday.

because with you, it just feels right.

i love you. 

2012 is coming to an end. 3 more days to embracing the new year. end of the world didn't come at all. not that i was waiting for it to arrive - in fact i was too busy at work it didn't even hit me that 21.12.12 was it. oh wells.

the year had its ups and downs as usual. working in this exceptionally challenging field and hospital was not an easy rat race. one posting after another. one exam after another. still shit in my pants at every end of posting assessment like it was just yesterday i passed my first. was looking forward to my paediatrics posting so much because i thought i might probably just do it (not because i'm of the paediatric age group as well pfft). but it turns out that i didn't quite enjoy the posting as much as i'd wanted to. then again, a lot of people have said that maybe it is just penang gh - like how its a little bit more hostile than other places, and maybe because of its numerous subspecialties. but i don't know, sometimes when i'm oncall, tired, hungry, stinky, and pushed to my limits, i just want to slap that kid for screaming and spurting saliva at me while i'm trying to set their super difficult branulas. give me a break honestly. gahs. then again, loving children and loving the subject - they're completely different. surgical and medical was awesome. big NO to O&G. so, maybe MRCP? :) then do gastro, and do scopes, and earn big bucks and quit and be siu nai nai :)

2012 also began with meeting you. it's going to be 10 months. it wasn't easy for us from the start due to our differences and my utterly difficult mother. for all the things that you've done for me, for all the sacrifices you've made - i cannot have asked for more. i never thought that i was worth anyone's fight, but you have brought so much happyness into my life than i can ever imagine. for all the late night/wee hours of the morning dinner/suppers, for the postcall breakfasts, for all the crazy stunts and activities we did together, for staying home just doing nothing. but most of all, for the times you stood by me, believed in me, and loved me. forever isn't enough for me to be with you, baby. we'll get there someday. and someday, my mum will see us the way i see us. i can almost see it. i love you :)

2013, bring it on. i won't give up. i don't exactly have new year resolutions to make. i mean, it comes and goes. i'll be done with housemanship by september 2013. by then, i'll try my best to figure out what i'd want to do in life. and we'll take it from there. and to my fellow comrades, we're gonna do this like we did before. RAWR! and to you; my other half, you can do it! we can do it! love you so much i can die.

hello 2013! :)

my days are more bearable when you're around. when i look forward to seeing you everyday after work. it's like the only force that's keeping me going throughout my day.

most of the time work seems meaningless. i just don't care anymore about my patients, about my work, about medicine. it's come down to a point where i just do it for the sake of it. i totally don't enjoy doing medicine anymore. why do i have to put myself through all the physical and mental torments. being yelled at. being completely unappreciated no matter how much effort you put in.

like today i was at the mall with rachel and ru fah after work. and i see people walking around happily. like there isn't a care in this world. they're actually enjoying a meal. enjoying walking with families and loved ones. why is it that i don't feel the same joy. why is it that there's always something to worry about in my head with every little thing that i do.

i don't know how i'd get through all these if i didn't have you. nobody knows me like you do. nobody loves me as much as you do. ok 'cept maybe my mum. :)

today we hiked up to monkey beach. crazy dangerously challenging trail. but im glad i did it with you :) awesome day. finally felt like i could breathe in what seems to be such a long long time already!

                                             i made pasta! :)

                  and salad! :D no, we didn't get diarrhea!

                                                           monkey beach!

i don't want this to ever end. please?

oh you make me smile:)

Always.

Happyness is when I'm with you. :)

I love you.

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The escape.

It's prolly my 3rd time here in langkawi and yet things still seem so new to me. Like I don't recall my last langkawi trip at all. Weird I know.
Nonetheless it was a good trip. Just needed to run away from reality abit. A much needed escape. Contentment from just doing absolutely nothing but enjoy what nature has to offer and pamper myself.
A full aromatherapy body massage was a must.
Room overlooking the sea filled with yatches and such blue skies and just listening to the sound of the waves hitting the shores.
And some booze. :)
Bliss.
O&G done. Double Bliss. :)

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"Baby if I ever leave, will u please promise me that u won't wait for me?"
"But baby, where are you going?"
.........
"I don't know"
.........
"I won't ever leave. I'll go wherever you will go".

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angry

i think the reason why i am so frustrated at work is how people in this exceptionally dumb department generalizes and judges everyone they come across. what is worse is that they think they're a cut above others (ok, maybe a few cuts above since they've got such big heads) and that we're all like some pieces of scumbags who don't deserve to be doctors. 

i think the higher ranks need to realise that we're all not born doctors. i think people need to realise that there's a reason why house officers aren't specialists (yet). we're fresh from medical school. we're just getting accustomed to this whole new experience of work and i think i'd consider it more like a learning experience. i'd like to think that medicine is all about learning something new everyday. and it doesn't matter if we didnt know this fact today. we learn. and then we know it the next day.

the malaysian health care system has got to change. this whole hierarchy thing is not going to get us anywhere. house officers being afraid of mos and specialists. pissing in their pants every time they're being yelled or called names at. it isn't fair. we all start out by being house officers. and then we climb that ladder up. didn't you, you and you?

i think, that if you want to be respected, or be looked upon, you need to earn it. i could respect the position that you're in, but it wouldn't make any difference if you don't deserve to be respected.

i think i learn better from my superiors when we're friends. when i am able to voice my opinions and doubts and not be afraid of its consequences - afterall, the only reason why i ask questions is because i absolutely have no clue! DOOFUS.

and at my current place, the only person that truly inspires me and who really deserves my respect, is my neurology consultant. she is awesome. and she is an epitome of how a great doctor should be. 

and absolutely, not you. :)

the perfect getaway :)

it's really been awhile since i traveled. KL does NOT count. :D wished we had more time for krabi but all we could manage was to squeeze in pangkor island. but i guess the location didn't really matter in the end as long as we got away from work, out of town, just out of this complete wreckage.

it wouldn't have been complete if it weren't for your presence. for the times you held on to me, making sure i didn't drown in my own sillyness (yes i can't swim. pfft. so much for vacationing on an island). and for the times you've shown just how much i mean to you.

waking up beside you and seeing your pretty face first thing in the morning, is, afterall, my kind of bliss :)

AWESOMENESS.

krabi next. and then maldives. haha :)

f*ck you, work.

Thank you for loving me :)

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