enough...

Really, enough is enough. 

Cant anyone see that i am freakin, crazily tired. 

i can't do it all in a day. I'm no wonder woman. i have no supernatural powers. I'm not harry potter. 

a wooden stick would ultimately break if we persistently try to snap it no matter how strong it is. 

and i will too. 

let me go. just this once. 

a beginning to an end

2014 didn't quite start out the way i wanted it to. i remember i had a set of goals that i needed to achieve this year and i was penning it down halfway through. but unfortunately, I've never gotten the chance to put it down here due to some turn of events and i think that moment has probably passed. so i think i should just rest it. 

it's March only. (already?) i don't know. I'm a bit confused if i'd thought that was fast or slow. things didn't quite turn out the way i wanted it to. and I've been doing a lot of thinking, and crying. i mean, coming from someone who probably hasn't met with failure her entire life. i remember sitting down on my bed, and staring at the word. i was... somehow, empty. like i didn't know what to feel. i know i sort of saw it coming, but you know how people always say nahhh, you'll do fine. you always do. and you keep telling yourself like yeah, maybeeee, just mayyyyybe, id be ok. but no, i was not ok at all. i don't think a lot of people understood where i was coming from. he didn't either. and i think that made it all worse for me. i was alone. and i didn't know how to tell people. and even if i did, what could they have said more but its ok, don't give up, try again... yada yada yada. and for once in my life, i lost faith in myself, and in god. i asked him everyday if i did not deserve it as much as everyone else. i worked twice as hard, and i had so much to juggle with at home, and in my life. i had a crazy mum to handle, a broken home to mend, and a whole lot more of load on my shoulders to take care of. but i stayed twice stronger than anyone else. so i asked myself everyday for 2 weeks why didn't god love me as much as he loved them. i was broken. 

took me 2 whole weeks. and another 2 to come to my senses. not that i really am at my senses right now still. but.. agh, life goes on whether you like it or not. 

its been 5 months, since i ended my housemanship. I've been a floating MO ever since. i.e. you're neither a permanent MO, nor a houseman. so hence, the word floating. anaesthesia just isn't my thing. especially with what was going on in this stupid hospital. i hope its just this hospital. so much of politics, back-stabbing, gossips and just plain aunty antiques. URGHH. irks me to my core. seriously people, if you don't have a job, go get one. 

and JKN penang isn't doing such a pretty job either. it had to take them 5 months to realise that the letter from KKM was missing, and then hold a meeting to decide where they'd like to chuck us to, and come up with the letters. and they had to come up with it at this time when I'm due for my long awaited holiday trip to Redang with my girls and boy. fish you. so pissed. they only have 5 lines for you every time you call to get updates.

1. maaf lah, encik H takde kat tempat dia. tak tau bile balik.

2. ohh, encik H cuti hari ni. dia je yang tau tentang penempatan.

3. sorry ye, tapi encik H baru keluar. rasenya meeting kut. tak tau brapa lama.

4. encik H tak masuk kerje hari ni. dia cuti.

5. ohhh encik H dah balik dahhhh. dah pukul 5 ni. (i looked at my watch, it was 455pm)

and now, finally. bukit mertajam hospital. across the bridge. yay to partial freedom. urghhh to being super duper scared. 

it feels like a small burden off the shoulder. but I'm sure theres a bigger one coming. nonetheless, stay positive. evelynn said to me, follow your heart. it wouldn't take you off that far. yep :) 

i always tell people to have faith. its coming back to me now. and I'm sure god has plans for everyone. i know he has a plan for me too. :)

and thank you for the ones who's being there the past month. you know who you are. :) 

am i really destined to save people's lives? as kar how puts it. or is there something else out there for me.

the mark

it has been so.. so.. SOOO freaking long since I've been in here. i guess i really didn't have the time back then, or that i didn't really think my life was worth any tale here. its been somewhat mundane. somewhat boring and yet, somewhat crazy. as always, so many life lessons learned, so many things gained and somehow, so much lost too. 

work. 

i am officially done with housemanship. like, YESSSS! two freaking years of tears, and sweat and a whole lot of rubbish and experience. so many lives lost, and yet, so many saved. there are times when i can speak passionately about work, like how some friends and some patients and bosses have touched my lives. but there are times, when i start reflecting on how much my life could be better, i.e spend more quality time with the people i love most, earn 5 figures (yes, i have friends who do less work than i do, and they earn shit lots), or how ill treated we slaves have been for the government, it pains me so much that most days i just give up on everything. 

well the good thing is, i finally realised what i really want to achieve in life, what i see myself doing 10 years from now on. or at least i think i do? for now. :D i know i want to be able to have all the time in the world for my family, my kids (someday), mum, and him. and for friends. like really, work isn't everything. my patients and the hospital or clinic, will not, and never, be everything in my life. i wished i was one of those people who can feel so much about their job and dedicate their entire world to it, but i am sorry because i really do think that there needs to be a balance. well lets just say different people have different wants. :) 

first exam paper in january 2014. ooh-rah! i really hate studying. really really really REALLYY FTW. 

moving on to MO-ship soon. possibly next week. emo maximus! i guess penang will be seeing more of me. I'm not quite sure if its the best thing for myself, but at least its comforting to know that i didn't get places where cinemas and malls are non existent. oh wells. :) 

and to the bunch of awesome people whom I've spent a good 2 years with, rach, rf, pau and michie, thank you so much. for all the good times. and the bad. i hope we'll still have each other in the years to come! :) 

more details on italy soon :) 

getting back to the stupid book. pfft. 

Life and its many choices

I can't believe it's coming to an end. Two years of housemanship in a blink of an eye. So much gained, and so much lost. I do think that after all these, I am truly getting older by the day. I know we're not even doing a 36 hour call anymore, the most I have now is a 24 hour. And yet, I come home zombified after all the madness. Even working from 8-5 on a non night shift day makes me feel like an aunty every evening. Ok so who am I kidding, I'm 25! Pfft. And I'd think that after going through this various postings, I'd have figure out what I'd like to further in. But no, I am still stuck after all these years. Then again, sometimes I do think that I don't even want to do this at all. Medicine. Am I even cut out for this shit seriously. Sometimes I just don't care why patients have low phosphate levels, or why are they shitting black stools. And I'm so angry with myself that I know if I was given a choice again, I would most likely have chosen something else. But then again I wouldn't know what else to do in the first place! Fml. So where to go from here?             

heart

there's just too many things i want to say. so many things i need to say.

but i just couldn't find the words.

not today.

i miss you so much right now. that when i look into your eyes, i just know that i want to spend the rest of my life with you.

i want to grow old with you. hold your hand while taking a stroll in the park. sit on a bench and rest my head on your shoulders. and then, we could forget about the world.

i wished mum would see you one day, the way i see you everyday.

because with you, it just feels right.

i love you. 

2012 is coming to an end. 3 more days to embracing the new year. end of the world didn't come at all. not that i was waiting for it to arrive - in fact i was too busy at work it didn't even hit me that 21.12.12 was it. oh wells.

the year had its ups and downs as usual. working in this exceptionally challenging field and hospital was not an easy rat race. one posting after another. one exam after another. still shit in my pants at every end of posting assessment like it was just yesterday i passed my first. was looking forward to my paediatrics posting so much because i thought i might probably just do it (not because i'm of the paediatric age group as well pfft). but it turns out that i didn't quite enjoy the posting as much as i'd wanted to. then again, a lot of people have said that maybe it is just penang gh - like how its a little bit more hostile than other places, and maybe because of its numerous subspecialties. but i don't know, sometimes when i'm oncall, tired, hungry, stinky, and pushed to my limits, i just want to slap that kid for screaming and spurting saliva at me while i'm trying to set their super difficult branulas. give me a break honestly. gahs. then again, loving children and loving the subject - they're completely different. surgical and medical was awesome. big NO to O&G. so, maybe MRCP? :) then do gastro, and do scopes, and earn big bucks and quit and be siu nai nai :)

2012 also began with meeting you. it's going to be 10 months. it wasn't easy for us from the start due to our differences and my utterly difficult mother. for all the things that you've done for me, for all the sacrifices you've made - i cannot have asked for more. i never thought that i was worth anyone's fight, but you have brought so much happyness into my life than i can ever imagine. for all the late night/wee hours of the morning dinner/suppers, for the postcall breakfasts, for all the crazy stunts and activities we did together, for staying home just doing nothing. but most of all, for the times you stood by me, believed in me, and loved me. forever isn't enough for me to be with you, baby. we'll get there someday. and someday, my mum will see us the way i see us. i can almost see it. i love you :)

2013, bring it on. i won't give up. i don't exactly have new year resolutions to make. i mean, it comes and goes. i'll be done with housemanship by september 2013. by then, i'll try my best to figure out what i'd want to do in life. and we'll take it from there. and to my fellow comrades, we're gonna do this like we did before. RAWR! and to you; my other half, you can do it! we can do it! love you so much i can die.

hello 2013! :)

my days are more bearable when you're around. when i look forward to seeing you everyday after work. it's like the only force that's keeping me going throughout my day.

most of the time work seems meaningless. i just don't care anymore about my patients, about my work, about medicine. it's come down to a point where i just do it for the sake of it. i totally don't enjoy doing medicine anymore. why do i have to put myself through all the physical and mental torments. being yelled at. being completely unappreciated no matter how much effort you put in.

like today i was at the mall with rachel and ru fah after work. and i see people walking around happily. like there isn't a care in this world. they're actually enjoying a meal. enjoying walking with families and loved ones. why is it that i don't feel the same joy. why is it that there's always something to worry about in my head with every little thing that i do.

i don't know how i'd get through all these if i didn't have you. nobody knows me like you do. nobody loves me as much as you do. ok 'cept maybe my mum. :)

today we hiked up to monkey beach. crazy dangerously challenging trail. but im glad i did it with you :) awesome day. finally felt like i could breathe in what seems to be such a long long time already!

                                             i made pasta! :)

                  and salad! :D no, we didn't get diarrhea!

                                                           monkey beach!

i don't want this to ever end. please?

oh you make me smile:)

Always.

Happyness is when I'm with you. :)

I love you.

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The escape.

It's prolly my 3rd time here in langkawi and yet things still seem so new to me. Like I don't recall my last langkawi trip at all. Weird I know.
Nonetheless it was a good trip. Just needed to run away from reality abit. A much needed escape. Contentment from just doing absolutely nothing but enjoy what nature has to offer and pamper myself.
A full aromatherapy body massage was a must.
Room overlooking the sea filled with yatches and such blue skies and just listening to the sound of the waves hitting the shores.
And some booze. :)
Bliss.
O&G done. Double Bliss. :)

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"Baby if I ever leave, will u please promise me that u won't wait for me?"
"But baby, where are you going?"
.........
"I don't know"
.........
"I won't ever leave. I'll go wherever you will go".

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angry

i think the reason why i am so frustrated at work is how people in this exceptionally dumb department generalizes and judges everyone they come across. what is worse is that they think they're a cut above others (ok, maybe a few cuts above since they've got such big heads) and that we're all like some pieces of scumbags who don't deserve to be doctors. 

i think the higher ranks need to realise that we're all not born doctors. i think people need to realise that there's a reason why house officers aren't specialists (yet). we're fresh from medical school. we're just getting accustomed to this whole new experience of work and i think i'd consider it more like a learning experience. i'd like to think that medicine is all about learning something new everyday. and it doesn't matter if we didnt know this fact today. we learn. and then we know it the next day.

the malaysian health care system has got to change. this whole hierarchy thing is not going to get us anywhere. house officers being afraid of mos and specialists. pissing in their pants every time they're being yelled or called names at. it isn't fair. we all start out by being house officers. and then we climb that ladder up. didn't you, you and you?

i think, that if you want to be respected, or be looked upon, you need to earn it. i could respect the position that you're in, but it wouldn't make any difference if you don't deserve to be respected.

i think i learn better from my superiors when we're friends. when i am able to voice my opinions and doubts and not be afraid of its consequences - afterall, the only reason why i ask questions is because i absolutely have no clue! DOOFUS.

and at my current place, the only person that truly inspires me and who really deserves my respect, is my neurology consultant. she is awesome. and she is an epitome of how a great doctor should be. 

and absolutely, not you. :)

the perfect getaway :)

it's really been awhile since i traveled. KL does NOT count. :D wished we had more time for krabi but all we could manage was to squeeze in pangkor island. but i guess the location didn't really matter in the end as long as we got away from work, out of town, just out of this complete wreckage.

it wouldn't have been complete if it weren't for your presence. for the times you held on to me, making sure i didn't drown in my own sillyness (yes i can't swim. pfft. so much for vacationing on an island). and for the times you've shown just how much i mean to you.

waking up beside you and seeing your pretty face first thing in the morning, is, afterall, my kind of bliss :)

AWESOMENESS.

krabi next. and then maldives. haha :)

f*ck you, work.

Thank you for loving me :)

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I'm at peace whenever I'm with you :)

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By the way, this is my new baby girl. Cousin sis in law just gave birth to this tiny beautiful thing. :)

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9 days of utmost bliss. 9 days of happyness with you. Wish it didn't have to come to an end. Well not literally, but obsgyn starting on Monday and 2 weeks of tagging til 10pm - means less time to spend with you. The thought of not seeing you for one day seems unbearable:(

I miss you. I miss every waking moment with you. If only things were easier for us.

Why does it always have to be so difficult.

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happy birthday :)

and suddenly it's all coming back to me now.

what was supposed to be quite an awesome day. i shocked a patient in VT this morning. first shock in my life and he reverted to sinus rhythm :)

and then i watched avengers with my best friend kar how. awesome movie. with hot ass hunks. almost had an episode of epistaxis.

and then suddenly you had to text. and then its just this entire feeling coming back altogether. the good times, and the bad, they just come flooding back.

i almost forgot that it was your birthday today. but i remembered it at the corner of my mind. but i didn't think it would matter to you if i said happy birthday or not. who am i to kid. it's over. we moved on. you moved on.

i won't cry. no matter what life throws at me, i know you wouldn't be there anymore.

and i know i will be ok :) i do believe God hears me.

i'm gonna be ok.

the doctor

it really has been awhile? :)

feel like writing today. so many thoughts unpenned. so many things to say and yet i dont know where to start. typical. bahs.

2 months into medical posting and i just detest every minute of it. there's just this empty feeling to all of this. i am not interested in learning. i dont want to care. well basically i just don't give a fuck about anything or anyone. its becoming so mechanical that i just want to race against time to finish my work and get the hell out of the shithole place. and more like i'm doing things to avoid being yelled at by my superiors.

haematology was a freakin WASTE OF TIME. i came out of it feeling as dumb as ever. and that mental torture i had to go through every day and the numerous accusations thrown at me of which i had to take it all in silence even though it wasn't my mistake to begin with. i'm glad we came out alive. absolutely grateful for the bunch of people i went through it with :)

and then cardio came. regretting every minute of it.

and here's when i ask myself everyday, why the fuck did i do medicine and why the fuck did i decide to become a doctor.

and then, i met you.

:)

the view's better up here when you're with me :)

thank you ♥

despite all this, i still miss you. and i still love you.

and that despite the hundreds of people that come into my life everyday, there isnt a day that i don't think about us before i go to bed.

i completely have no idea what's been running on your mind lately and even if i do, i doubt it would make any difference to where we are right now. it's just that it still hurts.

and it hurts a lot.

i wished i wasn't always sappy. i wished i was stronger than this.

gahss. wake up. oncall again tomorrow. life doesnt get any easier. :)

looking forward to another 3 months. and an end of posting holiday to anywhere. 1 month down in medical. RAWRRR.