we're done.
it's over.
if we don't belong here, then i'm sure we belong elsewhere.
somewhere in time.
we'd find that place for us.
December 31, 2010
December 27, 2010
positivity
i know i haven't been in here for a long long time. no, i haven't forgotten my faithful, old blogger. i think i still find it a lot easier to express what i feel in words here. tumblr seems to be a little more.... visual? :)
things are going up and down these days. with studies, him, and even the people around me.
it scares me to think that finals are in 6 weeks' time and i haven't started shit. and i am now doing my gynaecology posting it's not even funny at all. internal medicine came and go. was ok. minus the drama.
him and i. we're still at that. the good days are good. the bad days are bad. its always the same old cycle for us.
and the people around me? they scare me at times. my mum says the world is a stage. but i'm the poorest actor you can ever find. i would never make it to hollywood. it scares me how pretentious people can get when they so obviously dislike you and yet, still be able to fake a smile in front of you. it takes me a lot of effort to do that because i know i can't. i'm not at par. i am only me. and the more i do that, the more i start hating myself. not them, but me. so who to trust in the end? i always tell myself. that i don't need to have a lot of friends. it don't matter if half the class dislike me. as long as i know that there are a few out there whom i call my best of friends. they're the ones that keep me afloat. keep me alive. and if you're one of those people that i constantly am in touch with, then you know who you are :)
i miss how things were a lot simpler when you're young. if that stupid boy snatched my lollipop back when we were in kindergarten, i'd smack his butt and snatched it back and be friends again tomorrow like as if it never happened. why can't people stay that way all the time? why are we always influenced by the negativity of our surroundings? why can't we ever learn to forgive and forget?
i'm tired of playing the games people play. i just want to be me. i just want to take a step back, and live life. the way i want to.
please, will you let me?
things are going up and down these days. with studies, him, and even the people around me.
it scares me to think that finals are in 6 weeks' time and i haven't started shit. and i am now doing my gynaecology posting it's not even funny at all. internal medicine came and go. was ok. minus the drama.
him and i. we're still at that. the good days are good. the bad days are bad. its always the same old cycle for us.
and the people around me? they scare me at times. my mum says the world is a stage. but i'm the poorest actor you can ever find. i would never make it to hollywood. it scares me how pretentious people can get when they so obviously dislike you and yet, still be able to fake a smile in front of you. it takes me a lot of effort to do that because i know i can't. i'm not at par. i am only me. and the more i do that, the more i start hating myself. not them, but me. so who to trust in the end? i always tell myself. that i don't need to have a lot of friends. it don't matter if half the class dislike me. as long as i know that there are a few out there whom i call my best of friends. they're the ones that keep me afloat. keep me alive. and if you're one of those people that i constantly am in touch with, then you know who you are :)
i miss how things were a lot simpler when you're young. if that stupid boy snatched my lollipop back when we were in kindergarten, i'd smack his butt and snatched it back and be friends again tomorrow like as if it never happened. why can't people stay that way all the time? why are we always influenced by the negativity of our surroundings? why can't we ever learn to forgive and forget?
i'm tired of playing the games people play. i just want to be me. i just want to take a step back, and live life. the way i want to.
please, will you let me?
December 4, 2010
diwali night came and go. i've never been busier this past week. ward work and classes taking up most of my days and night practices for the dance. loved it :)
the exam fever hasn't quite settled in yet. hence the daily routine of catching up with my tv series and youtubing and doing absolute complete nonsense here in my room. procrastination has taken over me. not like it hasn't been this way all along, in fact it's always been this way. shucks. i keep telling myself that it's 8 months to graduation. and 10 months to hell. afterall, housemanship IS hell. oh the thought of it.
things haven't quite gone the way i wanted it to. the past weeks were a torture to live in. i can't even begin telling the story of what how why when. but it just wasn't right. but it was always this question: AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH? not just for him. of course partly it was for him. but it was also me, as a friend. am i not good enough for my friends. am i not good enough for the people i love (or i thought who loved me back as well) ? why do i have to try so hard?
ho wai said i should write about happy, silly things here. because everyone seems to know what i would write about already. it's just him. and him. and him. and my life. even iiiii am getting bored of myself.
ohhh! hahaha! :) you'll love this. some of you who knows this other him. maya called me (cos she couldn't wait any longer) and told me about how he went for a hair loss program and became one of that company's testimonial figure. and it's all over midvalley's billboard!! ahahah. good lord. and surin couldn't wait to send me the link of the website and god was he FUGLY. i think i seriously need to pick my guys properly. geez. such a poser! who the hell would want to tell the world about how little hair he had?! and dude, you're a doctor HELLOOOOO?! ahhh but then again, how else would we get the chance to laugh and be happy about it? TERATOMA :D
anyways the reason why i blocked my blog here from everyone (who are NOT my friends) is because i think i've had enough of rumours going around. i just hate how people can interpret one single line that i've written here into something so hideous and totally uncalled for which is absolutely absurd and bollocks! seriously some people just need to learn to shut their fucking mouths up and stop speculating about what's going on with the other person's life. dude, if you want to know, ASK ME! duhhh. i mean ocassionally i don't even understand what i write here. so HOW CAN YOU BE ME?! freak. and another main reason why i decided to not let him read it is because it didn't make any difference to us. he just reads it and goes oh ok. "???" it's not like he understands how i feel or what's been happening actually. so it's irritating the hell out of me.
so if you can read this - then you're my friend ;)
i'm putting on weight! NOOOOOO :( i've started going to the gym with ho wai and joel. oklah, they go more than i do lah. but hahahh! it's because of the dance practices! ok i'll start again soon :D and yoga :) me loves. i need to be able to do my splits again!
i've just started my tumblr though. you can check it out if you'd like :) livelife-loud.tumblr.com :)
the exam fever hasn't quite settled in yet. hence the daily routine of catching up with my tv series and youtubing and doing absolute complete nonsense here in my room. procrastination has taken over me. not like it hasn't been this way all along, in fact it's always been this way. shucks. i keep telling myself that it's 8 months to graduation. and 10 months to hell. afterall, housemanship IS hell. oh the thought of it.
things haven't quite gone the way i wanted it to. the past weeks were a torture to live in. i can't even begin telling the story of what how why when. but it just wasn't right. but it was always this question: AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH? not just for him. of course partly it was for him. but it was also me, as a friend. am i not good enough for my friends. am i not good enough for the people i love (or i thought who loved me back as well) ? why do i have to try so hard?
ho wai said i should write about happy, silly things here. because everyone seems to know what i would write about already. it's just him. and him. and him. and my life. even iiiii am getting bored of myself.
ohhh! hahaha! :) you'll love this. some of you who knows this other him. maya called me (cos she couldn't wait any longer) and told me about how he went for a hair loss program and became one of that company's testimonial figure. and it's all over midvalley's billboard!! ahahah. good lord. and surin couldn't wait to send me the link of the website and god was he FUGLY. i think i seriously need to pick my guys properly. geez. such a poser! who the hell would want to tell the world about how little hair he had?! and dude, you're a doctor HELLOOOOO?! ahhh but then again, how else would we get the chance to laugh and be happy about it? TERATOMA :D
anyways the reason why i blocked my blog here from everyone (who are NOT my friends) is because i think i've had enough of rumours going around. i just hate how people can interpret one single line that i've written here into something so hideous and totally uncalled for which is absolutely absurd and bollocks! seriously some people just need to learn to shut their fucking mouths up and stop speculating about what's going on with the other person's life. dude, if you want to know, ASK ME! duhhh. i mean ocassionally i don't even understand what i write here. so HOW CAN YOU BE ME?! freak. and another main reason why i decided to not let him read it is because it didn't make any difference to us. he just reads it and goes oh ok. "???" it's not like he understands how i feel or what's been happening actually. so it's irritating the hell out of me.
so if you can read this - then you're my friend ;)
i'm putting on weight! NOOOOOO :( i've started going to the gym with ho wai and joel. oklah, they go more than i do lah. but hahahh! it's because of the dance practices! ok i'll start again soon :D and yoga :) me loves. i need to be able to do my splits again!
i've just started my tumblr though. you can check it out if you'd like :) livelife-loud.tumblr.com :)
November 23, 2010
am i not enough?
I gave you my heart.That’s all I give you. And if that’s not enough for you, I’m not enough for you.
November 21, 2010
say goodbye
If I seem distant
Baby I am
Words are like scissors in your hands
And there’s no script to follow
So I just close my eyes
That way it won’t hurt so much
When we say goodbye
I feel just like an actress
Up on the stage
I can’t believe
What I’m hearing myself say
And the porch light is my spotlight
So I play along with this life
That way it won’t hurt so much
When we say goodbye
Did you ever love me?
Does it even matter?
Did you even notice the whole world shatter?
I just want to hold you ‘til you know I’m sorry
But I just keep it all inside
That way it won’t hurt so much
When we say goodbye
My heart feels like a circus
It’s to much to take in
It’s hard to lose love
But you were my best friend
So I walk this high wire
Alone….tonight
That way it won’t hurt so much
When we say goodbye
Baby I am
Words are like scissors in your hands
And there’s no script to follow
So I just close my eyes
That way it won’t hurt so much
When we say goodbye
I feel just like an actress
Up on the stage
I can’t believe
What I’m hearing myself say
And the porch light is my spotlight
So I play along with this life
That way it won’t hurt so much
When we say goodbye
Did you ever love me?
Does it even matter?
Did you even notice the whole world shatter?
I just want to hold you ‘til you know I’m sorry
But I just keep it all inside
That way it won’t hurt so much
When we say goodbye
My heart feels like a circus
It’s to much to take in
It’s hard to lose love
But you were my best friend
So I walk this high wire
Alone….tonight
That way it won’t hurt so much
When we say goodbye
November 20, 2010
empty
now i do understand why, that it's become a habit. that before i go to bed at night, i need to read the horoscope for the next day.
it's just because i needed someone, or something, a sign, to tell me what to do. because i am clueless. because i am.... blank.
it's just because i needed someone, or something, a sign, to tell me what to do. because i am clueless. because i am.... blank.
November 19, 2010
though it may seem as if we've known each other for a substantial amount of time, i find you slipping away from the person i used to know. or at least i thought i knew.
maybe we weren't meant to break the walls down. maybe we were just meant to know each other between two spaces in time.
how is it so that you don't remember me for the things that i've done. for the things i've done for you. for us. and so, i ask myself everyday, every minute, why do you only remember me for the things that i have NOT done? and to make matters worse, you accuse me of things that i didn't do or say. is it not enough that you broke my heart once, twice, thrice and then every other minute that you now have to resort to throwing such nasty and false allegations at me time and time again? and then you frame me up, put me in that claustrophobic box where i can't breathe.
you didn't want me in the first place. you didn't want to commit. so then what do you want from me now? my heart has been aching since the first day you said we would never make it. and then i allow myself to hope and to dream and to keep the faith. but time and time again you shatter my heart as i left it at your doorstep over and over again.
i am utterly. disappointed. angry. frustrated. mad. i hate how every word you say shakes me up deep inside while i try so hard to hide it away from the world. i hate that i love you. i hate how they take you away. i hate how they insert thoughts in your head and make you turn away against me. it is, afterall, me against the world. but i know, that no matter how hard i try, we would probably never make it. i want to move on from you. i want to let go.
then maybe, someday, some time, we may find ourselves again, back at where we once knew each other..
maybe we weren't meant to break the walls down. maybe we were just meant to know each other between two spaces in time.
how is it so that you don't remember me for the things that i've done. for the things i've done for you. for us. and so, i ask myself everyday, every minute, why do you only remember me for the things that i have NOT done? and to make matters worse, you accuse me of things that i didn't do or say. is it not enough that you broke my heart once, twice, thrice and then every other minute that you now have to resort to throwing such nasty and false allegations at me time and time again? and then you frame me up, put me in that claustrophobic box where i can't breathe.
you didn't want me in the first place. you didn't want to commit. so then what do you want from me now? my heart has been aching since the first day you said we would never make it. and then i allow myself to hope and to dream and to keep the faith. but time and time again you shatter my heart as i left it at your doorstep over and over again.
i am utterly. disappointed. angry. frustrated. mad. i hate how every word you say shakes me up deep inside while i try so hard to hide it away from the world. i hate that i love you. i hate how they take you away. i hate how they insert thoughts in your head and make you turn away against me. it is, afterall, me against the world. but i know, that no matter how hard i try, we would probably never make it. i want to move on from you. i want to let go.
then maybe, someday, some time, we may find ourselves again, back at where we once knew each other..
November 17, 2010
stop
you don't have to understand me. you don't have to know me.
if it has to take you that long to know the person i truly am, then just don't. just give up.
but stop. stop accusing me for the things i didn't do. for the things i didn't say.
stop putting that dart through my heart.
if it has to take you that long to know the person i truly am, then just don't. just give up.
but stop. stop accusing me for the things i didn't do. for the things i didn't say.
stop putting that dart through my heart.
November 15, 2010
really, honestly, life has been quite uneventful thus far. hence the lack of updates. i don't even know what to write here. i mean part of me don't even know what the fuck i'm doing with my life.
anaes and radio posting started. anaes is uber awesomely fun! :) yes, another choice i would really consider in the near future. currently, it stands at paediatrics, surgery, anaesthesiology and ENT :) love being in the OR the whole day. being in scrubs. with air cond! no sweat :) me likes. and especially with anaes, i could bum the whole day sitting in the OR and just read a novel, play with my phone, dress up with killer heels all day. BESTTTT! heh.
its exactly 8 months to graduation. and 10 months to working as a house officer. kill me?
mum came and went back. one week gone. just like that. snap. hate it when she has to leave. takes me a lot of time and courage to pick myself back up again and to realise that i'm alone in this (sounds like some breakup but yes).
oh right! now i do remember what i have to write about :) the 3rd asia pacific gastroesophageal cancer conference (APGCC) ! :D totally loved it. it just further inspires me to be a surgeon :) all my favourite surgeons here were there. Mr Maha is an absolute gem. Dato is just.. god. and all other really nice people. it just leaves me wondering if i'd ever be that good. and if i'd ever make such a huge impact in my career that could change people's lives. of course, apart from all the "work" we did there, there was time for shopping at sunway pyramid, one U, and haha stealing freebies :) we're only malaysians..
Mr. Mahadevan, my favourite surgeon :)
i think i need to stop giving shits to what people do to annoy me, or what they say to get me down. because ultimately, i've only 8 months left here and then we're all going our separate ways (crossing my fingers and hope i don't get the same hospital as you suck ass people) and then you can do anything you want or die for all i care.
ok, very random but it's also part of what's been bothering me for the past weeks. so i hear shit. and i have to take the shit in. but who the fuck cares anymore.
oh well.. i really should get going. tumblr coming up soon, just need to get the background done. and learn some stuff abit before i completely transfer the thing. i do still love blogspot! :(
harry potter this wednesday! :D
i miss home. i always do. but so does everyone. and ps: it doesn't make me any more of a cry baby than you are. piss off!
anaes and radio posting started. anaes is uber awesomely fun! :) yes, another choice i would really consider in the near future. currently, it stands at paediatrics, surgery, anaesthesiology and ENT :) love being in the OR the whole day. being in scrubs. with air cond! no sweat :) me likes. and especially with anaes, i could bum the whole day sitting in the OR and just read a novel, play with my phone, dress up with killer heels all day. BESTTTT! heh.
its exactly 8 months to graduation. and 10 months to working as a house officer. kill me?
mum came and went back. one week gone. just like that. snap. hate it when she has to leave. takes me a lot of time and courage to pick myself back up again and to realise that i'm alone in this (sounds like some breakup but yes).
oh right! now i do remember what i have to write about :) the 3rd asia pacific gastroesophageal cancer conference (APGCC) ! :D totally loved it. it just further inspires me to be a surgeon :) all my favourite surgeons here were there. Mr Maha is an absolute gem. Dato is just.. god. and all other really nice people. it just leaves me wondering if i'd ever be that good. and if i'd ever make such a huge impact in my career that could change people's lives. of course, apart from all the "work" we did there, there was time for shopping at sunway pyramid, one U, and haha stealing freebies :) we're only malaysians..
i think i need to stop giving shits to what people do to annoy me, or what they say to get me down. because ultimately, i've only 8 months left here and then we're all going our separate ways (crossing my fingers and hope i don't get the same hospital as you suck ass people) and then you can do anything you want or die for all i care.
ok, very random but it's also part of what's been bothering me for the past weeks. so i hear shit. and i have to take the shit in. but who the fuck cares anymore.
oh well.. i really should get going. tumblr coming up soon, just need to get the background done. and learn some stuff abit before i completely transfer the thing. i do still love blogspot! :(
harry potter this wednesday! :D
i miss home. i always do. but so does everyone. and ps: it doesn't make me any more of a cry baby than you are. piss off!
November 1, 2010
October 31, 2010
masked
i need to wake up. and start realizing the harshness of the reality that i live in.
no. you don't deserve me. you don't deserve what i have to give. you don't deserve what i have to offer.
you, don't deserve to be my friend.
now would you please step aside?
October 30, 2010
my only exception ♥
october has been one of the most eventful month ever. the ups. and the downs. paeds exams finally ended. i've this extremely weird feeling about paeds since i started a month ago. i'm finding myself hating the subject. really. partly prolly because i started it out really rough and i just somehow didn't feel like i've grasped enough throughout the 4 weeks. looked like a complete idiot when prof asked me how does one get dengue when i happily and loudly answered female anopheles mosquitoe. great. he probably thinks i'm stupid. saq paper - completely stunned at how vague the questions were. and tuberculosis?! that is internal med lah please. grr.
the up side to all of that - is PARAMOREEE!♥
oh loves. absolutely. stunningly. utterly. amazing. awesome. incredible.
19th october 2010.
best awesome rock concert night ever! :) totally worth the amount i paid. which of course was the cheapest ticket but heck, we got to sit at the more expensive seats because noone checked. oh yes!
oh the start of the concert was amazing. all that screaming and shouting and shrieks. all that frenzy! it was crazeee! :D and to know that i was part of that !
they did most of my favourite songs. ignorance. that's what you get. brick by boring brick. WHEN IT RAINS! the only exception. crushcrushcrush!! and ended with misery business :) oh totally hearts!
hayley - she's just amazing. she's so absolutely talented and beautiful! she's like this tiny little figure jumping and prancing non-stop on the stage. it was so effortless. where the hell did she find that energy to do it for 2 hours?! its crazy. and the rest of the band - absolutely flawless. like they have this same routine where they do the head bangings with legs wide opened, all together! it was so cute.
i know i've been going on and on about this for ages now. and its all i ever want to talk about and carry a conversation about with others. like seriously. like oh, you speak paramore too?! omg! haha. and its all over my facebook. yes. and its part of another reason why i got depressed and totally refused to study and hate paeds more. like why the fuck am i doing medicine. i should quit and start a band myself and tour the world and see all the beautiful things there is. life just doesn't stop at medicine. pfft.
i lived and breathed paramore every second of my life since the concert. it was insane. i was pretty sure i was turning manic. oh wells, life goes on. i'm sure i'm still a rockstar despite doing medicine :D haha.
pa ra pa pa ra pa pa ra ! :) ♥
was extremely high the whole week and the following week! :) glad to hear that angelene and mun cheng was there too! :) ♥
the up side to all of that - is PARAMOREEE!♥
oh loves. absolutely. stunningly. utterly. amazing. awesome. incredible.
19th october 2010.
best awesome rock concert night ever! :) totally worth the amount i paid. which of course was the cheapest ticket but heck, we got to sit at the more expensive seats because noone checked. oh yes!
oh the start of the concert was amazing. all that screaming and shouting and shrieks. all that frenzy! it was crazeee! :D and to know that i was part of that !
they did most of my favourite songs. ignorance. that's what you get. brick by boring brick. WHEN IT RAINS! the only exception. crushcrushcrush!! and ended with misery business :) oh totally hearts!
hayley - she's just amazing. she's so absolutely talented and beautiful! she's like this tiny little figure jumping and prancing non-stop on the stage. it was so effortless. where the hell did she find that energy to do it for 2 hours?! its crazy. and the rest of the band - absolutely flawless. like they have this same routine where they do the head bangings with legs wide opened, all together! it was so cute.
i know i've been going on and on about this for ages now. and its all i ever want to talk about and carry a conversation about with others. like seriously. like oh, you speak paramore too?! omg! haha. and its all over my facebook. yes. and its part of another reason why i got depressed and totally refused to study and hate paeds more. like why the fuck am i doing medicine. i should quit and start a band myself and tour the world and see all the beautiful things there is. life just doesn't stop at medicine. pfft.
i lived and breathed paramore every second of my life since the concert. it was insane. i was pretty sure i was turning manic. oh wells, life goes on. i'm sure i'm still a rockstar despite doing medicine :D haha.
pa ra pa pa ra pa pa ra ! :) ♥
joel. ellice. maya. pei. ho wai. aaron
was extremely high the whole week and the following week! :) glad to hear that angelene and mun cheng was there too! :) ♥
October 27, 2010
because i know better
i looked through abir's tumblr. they're all filled with "i love you"s and "i will wait for you" and "i want us". and then i remember all the times i said that. here. and to you. and i realise that i've been so stupid all along. you never wanted "us". you only wanted "you". i want to tell her so badly that it won't ever work out. we would just be waiting for rain in a long and terrible drought.
i don't deserve any hope, do i? i just didn't think i would've mattered so much less, and in so short a time, to you. people move on, don't we?
i don't deserve any hope, do i? i just didn't think i would've mattered so much less, and in so short a time, to you. people move on, don't we?
October 23, 2010
October 21, 2010
coming soon
updates soon. not now. i will die if i don't start studying for my paeds soon. seriously.
PARAMORE ROCKKKKSSSS!
PARAMORE ROCKKKKSSSS!
October 17, 2010
loved :)
i came home for the weekends. i think i needed this break away from where we were. i was in such a big mess.
spent the few days at home just being with my mum and dad. my aunt. and my baby niece :) love her to bits although she did fart in my face. LOL.
i think i am a lot better now. i still do think about you. but i've come to terms with it. i am accepting it. time will tell the truth, i'm sure.
i thank god everyday for giving me this strength to move on. and for sending me his angels to help me through it all.
thank you ho wai, for always being there. taking me out and constantly reminding me that life doesn't just end here. and for buying me sammy the moose! :) i love you ho wai!
thank you hui li for calling me up and checking on me. i miss you so very very much! come home soon ok :) i love you more darling! kisses :D
thank you pau for always listening to me grumble and complain and cry over the phone. i know you have other, aherm, "things" to attend to, and i'm sorry i took up so much of your time. but thank you :)
thank you shaf for making me smile all the time. and for all that you've told me ( it was harsh, but it was the truth that i needed to hear). thank you for making me look forward to so many things. and for just being here. you know i love you shaf!
and of course my mum - who's undying love have been keeping me alive.
spent the few days at home just being with my mum and dad. my aunt. and my baby niece :) love her to bits although she did fart in my face. LOL.
i think i am a lot better now. i still do think about you. but i've come to terms with it. i am accepting it. time will tell the truth, i'm sure.
i thank god everyday for giving me this strength to move on. and for sending me his angels to help me through it all.
thank you ho wai, for always being there. taking me out and constantly reminding me that life doesn't just end here. and for buying me sammy the moose! :) i love you ho wai!
thank you hui li for calling me up and checking on me. i miss you so very very much! come home soon ok :) i love you more darling! kisses :D
thank you pau for always listening to me grumble and complain and cry over the phone. i know you have other, aherm, "things" to attend to, and i'm sorry i took up so much of your time. but thank you :)
thank you shaf for making me smile all the time. and for all that you've told me ( it was harsh, but it was the truth that i needed to hear). thank you for making me look forward to so many things. and for just being here. you know i love you shaf!
and of course my mum - who's undying love have been keeping me alive.
♥
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