hello england!

good morning, london! :)

how i wish i was back there. that buzzing, amazingly, awesomely magnificent city! i know a number of people who don't quite fancy london, but i honestly do quite like it. so much of life every minute of the day as compared to edinburgh. really. the first time i went to london was when i had to go to the malaysian embassy for you-know-why, so obviously the beauty of that place initially, were all masked by my desperation to get my things sorted out and my impenetrable urge to leave this god forsaken country.

so my proper visit to london was with mum when she arrived in the uk. the train ride was good. trains here are NOTHING like those at home. seats are comfortable (or at least a lot better than our poor ktm) and the scenery is just awesome. the countryside is such a tranquil and beautiful place to live in. those sheeps, cows and goats and fields of wheat, green grass, flowers everywhere! i don't think i can ever get that picture out of my memory even though i do have short term memory loss. but nothing, beats that kind of beauty :)

one of the things that i really like about uk is how efficient the public transport system is. ok, apart from the whole NHS system. it's just amazing how buses operate so frequently, with exceptionally perfect timing, no delays (maybe a few seconds or a minute or so, but who the heck cares?!) and it's just so disable friendly! i like :D and of course, needless to say, the underground tube stations are ze best although they can get quite jam packed at certain times of the day (or maybe like everyday haha)!

shopping in london is MADNESS! oxford street and regent street is psychotically money sucking. massive topshop buildings, banana republic the price of our padini (it's almost RIDICULOUS!), zara, next, clarks, H&M, dorothy perkins, bershka, urban outfitters, sportsdirect.com - it's insanity at its max! i mean the amount of things that i could buy if i were a millionaire! even after conversion, it's a lottttt cheaper than the exact same ones here at home. i, proudly, bought myself everything that i can wear from my head, down to my feet. hairbands, cosmetics, tops, belts, jeans, shoes and shoes. oh, and a handbag. haha. afterall, i'm only a girl - with, hopefully, a bit of fashion sense. haha. :)

but of course, my favourite moments here in london, would have to be watching the Phantom of the Opera, Wicked, and the Bolshoi Ballet at the Royal Opera House. there is no musical production in the world that  beats my beloved phantom. it's just stunning. and wicked, went in with absolute zero expectations, came out feeling exceptionally pleased and satisfied. makes me feel like defying gravity as well! :) and oh my god, the bolshoi ballet was in 3 acts - petrushka, russian seasons and paquita. those pointes, that graceful poise with flawless technique and perfect expression and pretty little costumes and tutus. it was exceptionally breath taking and very, very impressive. i could spend all my life watching musicals i swear.

 me and mum stayed for a brief 3 nights at the malaysian hall. cheap, and i'm not complaining because what you give is what you get really. and waking up to the smell of nasi lemak, mmmmm :) then again, some certain malaysians ought to learn to be a tad more polite and courteous. and be nice. and friendly. and a lot more approachable. seriously, the guy at the malaysian high commissioner needs to stop facebooking and checking some girl out, plus smoking in an air-conditioned room. and just because i'm not malay, or just because your ranks are higher than mine and that you drive a super duper uber macho sports car and live in london luxuriously, doesn't mean you can be rude and intimidating. now that ain't very nice. whoever says malaysians are friendly. bite my ass.

apart from london, mum and i went to bath, oxford, stratford upon avon and windermere. he and i went to nottingham and manchester. bath is just really beautiful. it's almost like rome literally. so old, yet so bold. we went to oxford only to see christchurch college where harry potter was filmed and to the university of oxford. i swear i felt daniel radcliffe on where i stood in the picture. hahaha! and stratford upon avon is where shakespeare was born. windermere is a must go! the clear waters of the lake and those little ducklings, swans, and birds all over. it's just phenomenal. thank god for a perfectly fine weather! nottingham was merely to visit our friends. teck jian, danis, edwina. and others. nottingham hospitality service (NHS) at its best! missing your cupcakes edwina :) and your early morning breakfast teck jian! and your car, danis the menace! manchester was awesome! thank you swee leen for bringing me around in such a short time. and for a really good thai food!! :D old trafford is just crazy! i can definitely feel the players all around me. oh, how ecstatic!!! 

 and i must say, my stay in london wouldn't have been planned more perfectly if not for my aunt and peter. aww, i love you both :) although your house at this very moment, really, literally, looks like a dump site (ok, it's a renovation site haha), but i enjoyed every minute at your place. i'm sure mum did too. don't we all just love the fact that her legs tremble when she goes up that ladder? haha. it's hilarious. thank you for those dinners (oh lord that steak and noodles and fried rice and truffleeeeeeee!), late night rides to see the city, free audio guided tours (haha did i mention that a lot of the tourist spots here offer audio guided tours?) and information on how to get some of the best deals. and those chocolates you bought me, nuts, hobnobsss! thank you sei yi for everything. EVERYTHING. i promise we'll have our dessert when you come home. can't wait to see you again!

 sigh. i miss london even more now. i miss the uk. i've been back for 6 days. but the excitement still hasn't quite settle down. i want to be there. everything in malaysia suddenly doesn't seem quite right. except for the food, yes :) oh wells, i'll work on that. pictures?

it's time to try defying gravity. i think i'll try defying gravity, kiss me goodbye, i'm defying gravity, and you won't bring me down!

i lived a dream

sorry for this long hiatus, people :) you know i missed you.

it's been more than 1 month, coming to 2 now, since i last posted in here. and of course, so many things happened in that short period (or long) that i don't find it easy putting them into words. it literally felt like the longest dream ever. i never want to wake up from it. wished i hadn't. wished i could.

oh yes, UK has been the best dream ever to come true for me. never in my wildest of dreams would i think that it would actually materialise. you know when you're a kid, you dream of settling down in some beautiful country, in that small little cottage by the countryside (or if you want a posh apartment in the middle of that buzzing metropolitan city), i mean that was me (i'm a girl afterall, and if you don't already know, girls like fantasizing - in an APPROPRIATE, RIGHTEOUS manner, unlike boys if you get what i mean). and there i was! mum couldn't afford to send me to study abroad, so this was something to make up for that. sorta.

i do have one word to describe edinburgh really. it's brown. haha. it really is! its history dates back to thousands of years, or centuries ago, so you can't obviously be expecting buildings with rainbow colours or skyscrapers. it really is a beautiful, gorgeous place.so ancient, yet so bold and regal. oh, those blooming flowers everywhere! people sunbathing in the sun, sitting out in the parks and gardens, on benches or on those extremely healthy looking green grass, reading a book, playing football, having picnics, cycling, bringing out their dogs for a poop, playing the guitar, singing, and oh those summer romance! :)

the weather in Scotland is obviously a lot colder than in England. but cho kept telling me how hot it is, and so i only brought 1 jacket which was probably only 5mm thick. growls. its cold even in summer, especially when the wind blows. its uber chilly! :( and i look like a stupid eskimo walking around princes street while the girls were all dressed in boots with heels, sleeveless tops, mini skirts and shorts or dresses. how unfashionable can i get. tsk. and then, imagine coming out of the shower, even though it was a hot shower! most of the time i'd be having chills and rigors. i probably look like i'm having a bout of epileptic fits as well. tonic clonic jerk. rolls eyes.

not all food were good. i mean i do like eating burgers and sandwiches and sausages, bacon, etc etc. but FRIESSSSS! GOOD LORD. i'm not surprised at how common cardiovascular diseases are here. and to have to eat them everyday for a month, i think i'd rather turn vegetarian. and oh, the tesco here is a million times better than the ones we have at home. i love my hobnobs! yes yes, the strawberries - so huge and tasty! and those cherries! :) loved the ice cream too. ahh, the thought of it :D

now i know i'm supposed to be on a medical elective. haha. but then again, what's an elective without a bit of traveling and sightseeing? :) our private hospitals are nothing compared to the great royal infirmary of edinburgh. i'm just completely amazed and awed by how the whole NHS system works. makes us feel pretty small really. consultants, interns, nurses and the hospital staff here are all really nice people. they don't snap at you like how ours do if you can't answer a question. back here, you hear things like 'you stupid', 'like that also don't know?' or 'go and study more' kinda thing. and really, i think not only is that very insulting and mean, it only discourages the student more, or at least for me. i'd love to hear more of 'that's not quite it, but you're getting there' or 'that's good!' or 'don't worry, you're doing fine' or 'excellent!!!' and the thing that i really like about the whole place here is how well the doctors treat their patients. good communication skills, no jargons, no snapping at them. i like that. patients here are also very well aware of their disease and condition. i once asked this patient, 'hi mrs. so and so, do you know what medications you're on?' (with absolutely no expectations at all) and she replied 'oh yes! i'm on glibenclamide 500mg bd, aspirin 75mg on, lovastatin 50mg on, vit b complex, metoprolol 100mg bd, folic acid, vit c, calcium tabs....' and the list goes on. and then i just stoned, with my eyes and mouth wide opened. compare THAT to our very own patients. sigh.

i forgot to mention that i've never walked so much in my life! goodness. the longest of time that i've ever walked was for 45 mins. of course the cool air made it all a little more bearable for my poor feet :)  no sweat!

we visited other places in scotland as well. dundee, st andrews, aberdeen, stonehaven, inverness, lochness and glasgow :) my favourite would have to be st andrews + stonehaven + lochness. lochness is the most beautiful lake ever. stonehaven has the best cliffs with such picturesque view and st andrews' beach is just breath taking! thank you to all those who hosted us - michelle, ben, mervin, kien wei, teddy bear, kevin, swee leen, teck jian, danis and edwina! those early morning breakfasts, a place to live in and bringing us around within such a short period of time, you guys are amazing!

phew. its been a long one. i'm gonna retire and let my pictures do the talking. well this is only on scotland. check in soon for more :)

don't ask me about the not so happy thing that happened. i've decided that my mind be blocked from it. and if it isn't painful enough for me, stop rubbing it in at my face at every point that i make a small, little, silly mistake. thank you. 

Ps: re-edited - special thanks also to ng cho ee, for bringing me, him and mum around. all the times spent being the best tour guide ever, i've never seen any malaysian more well versed in scottish history good lord. told you you're a nerd, didn't i cho? lol. and for finding me izzy's place to stay, introducing me to mussels inn, giving me your whole room to sleep in (haha i'm sorry meryl and i threw you out of your own room), making me the best dinner ever and for just making my time in edinburgh a real blast and for being there whenever i needed you :) you know you love me :) xoxo. haha.

and also to ken and yee wei, for being there. and for chocolate soup! ahh, the thought of it :)

back again!

 and it's back again! :) the world cup! 4 years ago it ended on a uber high note for me. even though england didn't win it but i thought it was a good season. a lot of drama as well. more drama this time around please! :D and i actually think south africa is a pretty good place to host it. so much of culture!

and yes, i am stil rooting for england i don't care what you people say. oh so you think you know football very well? you know every player very well? BITE ME. duh.

 my 2nd team is germany. oh hearts! :)

don't think i'll be able to catch much of it this year. no astro here. tv 1 sucks :( and then i'll be going off to uk. not south africa :( gahh!

anyways, GO ENGLAND! ♥

9 more days to go. 9 more days to living a dream that i've waited long enough for :) and i can't wait any longer. but time's running up. i need to finish this race first. gahh!

but i won't let anyone put me down. mum's coming today! miss her too much. and mich my love is coming back soon! can't wait to see her! :D

You fell in love with someone because of the tilt of his smile, or because he could make you laugh, or in this case, because he made you believe you were the only one who could save him.

-Jodi Picoult, Picture Perfect-

i know i can do this without you. even if it means i need to break myself a little, pain a little, i know i can. i know i will. because the fact is, i've been without you for some time now. it's just that i fall back into you everytime you feel like holding me close. i gave in too easily. gave in to your every call. i am stupid, i know. even when it's obvious that my efforts and everything that i do have not been reciprocated, i still insist on giving. but now i have nothing else to offer. nothing else to give. i have given everything. it's always just words for you. never an action. i'm starting to hate myself for having to repeat it over and over again.

i just need to pick myself up. learn to live my days not having you near and here. i know i will be better off without you. i now know what i want, what i need. someone who can make me a better person and lifts me up. and that is and will not be you.

so just take me as your friend. respect me for the person i am. or at least for the little things i have done. and if even that is not worth it, then just take me as a person. i won't always be on-call for you. and someday, soon, i will stop missing you.

my heart used to flutter and beat stronger everytime i see you. everytime you're near. but today, when i saw you, it only lay still. and silent. it no longer knows you...

what happens when you find out the truth? the one that leaves you empty to the core. when it was all bitter and sweet at the same time. you don't know if you'd want to hate that person or to feel grateful. where does this end?

then again, it doesn't mean anything anymore now, does it?

today i managed to set 2 iv lines PURRRFECTLY. haha. :) oh the joy!

and that stupid brainless "fullmoon" medical officer hasn't been around for ages. wished he got transferred out or something. but i don't know why MOs can't be nice. not all, but some. rolls eyes.

anyways yay! :)

today feels like one of those days back in bukit jalil. i miss home so badly i don't know why. i miss having to wake up to my mum's voice. to breakfast at the roadside. to everything. and i'd have thought that a few years away from home would ease things abit. sigh. i just feel like i'm back to square one today :(

home :)

i was back the weekend for wesak day celebration. have always been home that time of the year :) mum says you don't just pray to buddha during exams so this is probably a good time to show your appreciation. LOL.

so the 3 days back at home was completely eventful. friday alone was spent shopping the whole day away. and then to the temples and then to follow the procession. tired, but worth it :)

and saturday was even more fun. lunch met up with sooi at azuma. yummylicious! and then just plain catching up, gossiping, more whining and walking up and down that one special particular shop we were so interested in - Swatch. and you may ask why. because our dear friend has a thing for this guy :D awww, they do look cute together :) and after that, went shopping with mum again. she wanted to get a pair of comfy walking shoes for her long awaited europe trip :) i love my mummy. and then supper at haagen dazs with kar how :) i shall omit that embarassing thing i did. don't you dare rub it in kar.

3 days just in a blink of an eye. and then i'd only be back 9 weeks later :( feeling really sad because home has been so much fun. just non-stop eating my favourite food and the fact that i have good company and things are just so familiar everywhere i go. i miss that feeling. that feeling of belonging to somewhere. of course i'm still looking forward to uk. but before that i have exams and all the other not so happy things coming along. so it just upsets me how happiness can be so shortlived. :(

i miss my mummy. i miss sooi phing. weird, but i miss kar how laughing at me. i miss my aunt's food. i miss that road side kuey teow th'ng. and that po piah. :(

i wana go home :(

how to save a life

everyone wants to be a doctor after watching ER. House. Grey's anatomy (minus the explicit scenes). Chicago Hope. it's probably one of the most "noble" profession you'd ever come across. so when people ask you, and me, at interviews to enter medical school, why do you want to be a doctor? you hear different versions of answers that only mean one thing : because i want to do good, to help save someone's life. to make a difference in this world with all that i have. and of course, you have those that'll tell you because my parents made me do it i have no other choice maybe i really should burn in hell.

i say, we need to have that passion to do so. that love, dedication and sacrifice.

i walked into the A&E on Tuesday morning with so much of excitement and such enthusiasm i swear i myself would get the palpitations and soon the ventricular fibrillations and then to cardiac arrest even before a patient does.

anyways, i was really looking forward to this. at least i could make myself useful as a medical student, setting lines, taking blood, ecgs and oh so many things! :) i love it there. and today, was not a good day. today, i see  how cruel we doctors can be. so cold, and heartless.

a 28 year old malay soldier was brought in after more than an hour being unconscious. pulseless. asystole (flat lines on the cardiac monitor). CPR started. we all took turns to do it cos it was really tiring (my first time by the way). so full of energy from us, those adrenaline rushing through, wanting to save the patient so badly. 6mg adrenaline given. still asystole. half an hour passed, asystole. the MO came walking in, checked pulse. none. pupils fixed and dilated. cold peripheries. no spontaneous breathing. undetectable blood pressure. he declared death. and he said, as he checked the pupils "oooh, pupil dia macam full moon! macam itu twilight. tak pe lah. stop aje". WTF?!


this 71 year old indian uncle brought in by a taxi driver unconscious. pulseless. in cardiac arrest. CPR commenced. and they managed to revive the patient initially. and then after hours, he started deteriorating. and then he was in PEA (pulseless electrical activity). that same MO again came, and said to stop all efforts and let him just pass. and we're like WTF?! and we all stood, watching in dismay and disbelief, from 70 beats to 30 and then to 0. he told us that the patient was old, and that he had no family members. very poor family support which wouldn't at all be a good prognosis to his condition. so would it be worth it to save him?

i say we don't have the rights to judge who lives and who dies. it is not our prerogative to determine if that person deserves a chance to life. who are we to decide. who are we to tell. and isn't saving lives a doctor's main aim? i didn't understand. and i don't. because all i know is that we should still fight for the patient, when we still can. standing there and watching him go down should not at all be an option.

and so we were all upset. very. some say we'd probably get used to seeing this soon enough. getting to be a little more mechanical each day as we phase through our lives as doctors as we see more and more patients each day that we'd probably get so sick of it. i don't know about that. it would probably be a little too routined for me soon i might agree, but i definitely will not become that very person that even i myself would detest. and i won't want to place my family and friends' lives in the hands of a doctor like that. god gave us life for a reason. only He makes that decision :)

Why did we become close at all in the first place?
If our relationship began with a simple hello.
And ended with an excruciating goodbye.

I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day, and I believe in miracles.

- Audrey Hepburn -

To be happy, it first takes being comfortable being in your own shoes. The rest can work up from there. The hardest situation to stay happy in, I think, is when you’re trying to find love, and yourself at the same time. It just doesn’t seem to fit well. So I believe that happiness is being able to wake up and just know that this is what you wanted, and not what somebody else wanted...

- Sophia Bush -

4 weeks into minor postings. i'm already dead. ENT posting was really good. i MIGHT really consider doing this honestly :) and ophthalmology is just.... gruesome. next is A&E! i can't wait :D

this also means, i'm 4 weeks closer to flying off to edinburgh! scotty oh scotty. and then paris, london and dublin. the only thing that's keeping me going.

i'm tired. and i don't know why :(

Because i liked the view, when there was me and you..

 Beneath every cynic there lies a romantic. And probably an injured one.