Live Life Loud!

2012-01-04T22:15:00.000+08:00

a horrible end to the year.

but a beautiful start to the new year :)

gotta love life's dramas eh?

christmas was good. rach invited me to join in the CF christmas caroling in the paediatric wards :) that feeling of making these kids' day a little brighter is extremely irreplaceable. and we've got goodies for them too!

the caroling group!

cute little boy! :)

and then christmas eve was awesome too! drinking session with my bestie at straits. straits was just amazingly beautiful. and people were crazy! oh wells, its the company that matters :)

new year's eve was ALSO at straits quay. its the most happening place here in penang whadya expect! :) the best part about it was that the three of us (my male besties since puberty age) were together there. we' ve come a long way, haven't we? :)

then came my favourite event of the year. summed up an awesome year! my cousin brother's wedding :) been waiting for a long longggg time since my cousin sister's 3 years ago. another one coming up soon, i hope!

my little girl ♥

the couple

la familia :)

its been a great year thus far. Batu Pahat. passing EOS10. graduation. holiday trips to Bali and Korea. definitely NOT work (but work's work fuck it). and yes. :)

new year's resolution? the losing weight part will always be there LOL. but um, haven't sorted things out yet. so we'll see :)

work again tomorrow, night people!

2011-11-30T23:09:00.000+08:00

things can't get anymore easier, can they?

men can't get anymore less complicated too, can they?

why now. why is everything happening now. why.

i mean seriously, can't you just shut your fucking mouth up and tell me you want to spend the rest of your life with me and you'll give me all the love and happiness in the world and then actually do and show it?

and i thought women have period issues to deal with. pfft.

2011-11-20T16:29:00.000+08:00

i'm scared.

i don't know if i can bear the consequences of the decision i just made.

why do i do this to myself all the time. why do i need to beat myself up.

i want for us to do this together as much as you do. i dont want to lose you.

but what if this is for the better. what if things are meant to turn out as such.

haven't i already run this through my head a million times.

why am i still at where i stood since forever?

2011-11-10T12:14:00.000+08:00

today's the only off day i get, like a real proper one, not a postcall one, after 6 weeks of work. seriously. why hasn't anyone complained about how this is all against labour law?! RAWR!

the off-day face :)

my life has gotten so mundane and boring that there really isn't much to write in here. sighs. everyday is just a repetition of the same cycle: get up and yell fuck you --> work and get screwed --> come home and eat the hell out of myself --> sleep like a pig. and it repeats itself the next day.

one of the better days at work :)

the only salvations to my poor, broken soul are the comfort of home and mum, the very few people i hangout with here ( actually i think theres only you and you lols ), playing my music with my piano and guitar, tv, and facebook! :)

lunch appointments, dinner hangouts, coffee hangouts, i mean these things make me look forward to the week, which i think is exceptionally essential after all that shit i get from work. happy :)

oh, my pay came in! some miniscule amount, but ok, what can i say? can't complain. life is life. can't wait till i pass that mrcpch and shove it in the pm's face. everyone i know seems to be waiting for my pay day LOL. ive got a date at kampachi, another with my best friend, and my aunt cant stop bugging me to bring her to the market (she's an aunty, what can i say) and for breakfast. and the bills at home! reality check. gahs.

lunch!

sooi's sister's wedding dinner! i miss dressing up, make-ups and high heels! :)

2011-10-31T23:24:00.000+08:00

i miss you.

everyday.

♥

2011-10-30T18:48:00.000+08:00

i don't want to jinx it.

but work has so far been fairly ok. it's just the part of having to get up at 5am, beat myself at it, drag myself (literally) out of my bed and walking into the oh so depressing hospital. the smell of it makes me sick all the time.

my ward has been great so far, very much thanks to the help i get from my super seniors. liang wei (my professor like sifu!), firdaus, nasir and fazrul. yes, i was the only teeny weeny female amongst my androgenic bunch of colleagues. theyve taught me so much and have made my life so much easier!

i don't want to move to another ward tomorrow! :( females are always a tough lot to handle blergh. the oh so many pms moments.

please do continue to be kind to me!

2011-10-21T21:02:00.000+08:00

i literally drag myself up every morning. and every part of me just cries in pain.

this transition from medical school and holidays, to these somewhat absurdly ridiculous and agonizing days, just kills every part of me - it feels like cancer.

don't have to remind me how i need to stop complaining and whining like geezgetalife. i'd have to work and bring the money home some day soon. and unfortunately that day has arrived. its my responsibility. its my life. i get all that.

but everytime i look back and ponder on my times in university, with you and you you you you and you, and the things we did, the laughs we laughed and the crazy shits we shared. those crazy exam moments where we had each other all the time. and that one goal that we all had. my heart would twitch. and i'd sink back into these memories etched in my heart.

the best times of my life has got to be the ones in imu. edinburgh. uk. dato's classes. even eos. holidays. bali.

as of this point, i don't know how to continue living and pretending as if everything is ok. it isn't. but i do know that i need to stop living in my past, i've got to move on.

move on, how? i've yet to figure that out. one day.

how do you pick up the pieces of the life you once knew?

2011-10-15T22:11:00.000+08:00

there isn't a day that i don't regret doing this. none.

i don't get why im working my ass off for this.

a little bit of gratitude and appreciation would go a long way. thanks.

i would relive my imu days all over again no matter how painstaking it was it isnt as painstaking as this is.

i wished everyday was graduation day.

i wished everyday was bali with him.

i wished everyday was korea.

i wished everyday he was with me, at every step of my way.

i wished he was here.

i miss you babe :(

2011-10-01T11:30:00.000+08:00

induction came and go. i wished work would come and go too. gah!

and so i will be stuck here at home, penang.. for the next 2 years, until i finally find "my place" and until i figure out what to do with my life and career or maybe until i find a rich man and just marry him. :) lifelong ambition really!

to say that i'm completely elated at the fact that i'd be serving my own hometown.. i'm not quite sure i really am that excited and oooohhh!-like. there's just too many doubts, too many questions, and too many worries that's running through my mind as i step into this uncharted sea of work.

most of all, i know i miss him like crazy. people ask why he isn't coming along with you. shrugs. i don't even know it myself. family commitments? its prolly the only more comforting reason i can tell myself everyday. sara asked me if we are going to work things out the long distance way (fuck i hate LDRs - never believed in them), we will. the plans haven't quite settled in yet because we don't know how the work load and schedules are going to be like, and until then, we'll wait for that day to see each other again. :)

wish me luck guys. isn't it crazy? from school, to college, imu, and now hospital pulau pinang wtf.

pray.

i love you b. i'll see you soon, promise.

to all my sisters and bitches (in a friendly way) out there, we'll do this together, and we'll see each other again soon. promise!

2011-09-27T12:05:00.001+08:00

and yes.

today i start work.

i just want to be happy.

2011-09-18T00:10:00.000+08:00

who finally took the initiative and effort to start planning a trip with ze frens to somewhere on earth?

ME. pfft. trust you people to do it.

Bali is an exceptionally gorgeous place. i mean seriously, gorgeous is so much of an understatement. its HEAVEN ON EARTH. and i swear it. its so breathtaking, amazing, extraordinary and crazy, crazy beautiful. and you can't stop to wonder if such a haven really do exist here on earth. and i will do it all over again, i swear.

i thought the number of days and the company was just perfect. 4 days, with him, surin, howai and zi. :) short and sweet enough for you to want more of Bali and return one day again to live more luxuriously (haha, we were trying very hard to fit everything into our poor budget when oh, you soooo can live and enjoy Bali in a much more expensive way like a billionaire).

Bali Sorgawi hotel was ok. i mean that's what you get for the amount that you pay. only howai complained about how stupid the hotel was because there was no internet for him to upload his statuses and pictures on facebook 24/7. frowns.

food was ok, not quite suited to my taste buds but it will do :D bebek bengil (this roasted duck thing) was my favourite!

loved the town and everything in it! its so ulu and yet not too ulu and not urbanized at all (haha i dont know what i'm talking about!) and it's just so rich in history and culture. i mean its so Bali! :) sculptures, buildings, carvings, monuments, statues, and its people - they were so Balinese! oh i so love it! people are friendly and things are relatively cheap (we were for once, millionaires in rupiahhhsss! :D LOL)

my favourite place in Bali? definitely Uluwatu and Tanah Lot. and yes, i will go back to both these places again and just sit there and be absorbed and mesmerized all over again with its nature and beauty and feel alive in heaven again. really, its heaven at your feet :)

and oh yes, now i do know why Elizabeth Gilbert returned to Bali the second time round, and why she loved it so much and why she fell in love with Felipe here. :)

Uluwatu temple :) gorgeous, aint it?

heaven at your feet - Tanah Lot :) loves.

Bersakih temple - so Balinese!

Seafood dinner at Jimbaran beach, and the gang :)

Jimbaran beach :) breathtaking sunset!

and korea, soon. hehs. xx.

ps: induction letter arrived. FML.

The Golden Era :)

2011-09-08T21:40:00.001+08:00

i am officially back. back home, back to shithole reality. oh well, then again, life cannot be any better now what with all that major bumming every minute of the day. BLISS! :)

convocation and graduation dinner ended - so much for all the hype. was in KL for that entire week, afterall, i don't know when i'd be back there again. i miss it already :(

preparing for the dinner was crazy. ohh, but surin and i did have a lot of fun in the process. at times i wished i wasn't that fugly. i wished my eyes were bigger, that i had double eyelids so that everyone could see that i have eye shadow on (wtf noone can see it even after hundreds of attempt pfft), i wished i was taller, wished my arms were slimmer (it looked like a feckin drumstick i could chomp on wtf). so much of imperfections even plastics can't save me dear lord.

dinner itself sucked. completely. the chicken, soup, bread, tomatoes, potatoes, drinks were all WRONG. honestly my maggi mee tastes better! i think the only thing we paid for was for its venue and deco. seriously. its a very beautiful, pretty place. but the food and its entrance (it was like going into a construction site its soooo weird?!!) were a total disaster. blergh.

the best part of the entire dinner was how my vision was only 50% BECAUSE I WAS ON CONTACT LENS (because no ordinary contacts could fit my visual prescription, yes that is how retarded my vision is) hahaha! andddddd i was supposed to play the piano and sing. meehhh, managed the entire song without a scratch! (hahaha cakap besar now siaaaa) :D

everyone looked really pretty. and handsome, yes. hot doctors alert yo! :) the pictures will tell the story ;)

my favourite picture of the night. NOT because i photoshopped it, but im so amazed at how flattering we both looked! :D

and here's to convocation.

i literally heaved a sigh of relief as i woke up that morning and every step i took towards IMU Bukit Jalil reminded me of my early days in med school. oh, that sense of melancholy reminiscing the good old days, things were always much simpler when they are less decisions and choices to make, when there are less forks as you thread along that journey towards that one goal. i don't think i was the happiest person on earth that day, i'd say it was my mum and dad. :) and as i walked through those corridors again, as a graduate, i felt that immense sense of achievement, its as if i finally knocked out a giant troll!

couldn't have done it without the very many people i've mentioned in my previous post, so, this, my title, my achievements and success are a tribute to each and everyone of them.

you made it all possible :)

congratulations once again, DOCTORS of IMU C109 :)

ps: holiday posts soon. god i miss bali and korea. :(

2011-08-22T16:43:00.000+08:00

officially a doctor now. bali trip tomorrow. korea soon. :)

you know it ;)

oh, this has gotta be the good life!

updates soon, when i get back from livin' my life :D

2011-08-06T22:51:00.000+08:00

i conquered FOUR SHOPPING MALLS today. all in one day. WTF?!

seriously, when you want something, you can't find it. and when you're not interested in it the blardy thing keeps showing in front of your effin' face. pfft.

shopping for my graduation ball dress and convocation dress have proved to be a pain in the arse. ooohh yes. rolls eyes.

afterall, penang is only, merely an island. blergh. retire early tonight, and gear up for tomorrow again! ho ho ho.

2011-08-05T16:00:00.000+08:00

this is crazy. this is madness. this is ridiculous. absurd. this is still SO SURREAL!

i will not stop anyone from calling me mabel with the additional DEEE AREEE (DR. you retard) in front. :) because i show off like that :) LOL. jokes jokes.

but no, i am still your average mabel. your average 'student' everyday. because hey, studying medicine doesn't just end right there. it's neverending, as if you haven't already heard.

it's been a whirlwind of emotions. it's been a crazy, rollercoaster ride. FIVE FREAKIN' YEARS. i didn't think i'd last that long. but hey, here i am. crossed the finish line. who said i wouldn't make it? NAH. IN YOUR FACE. nonetheless, i will not deny the fact that there have been umpteennnn times that i just really considered quitting, considered commiting suicide from the balcony of my bukit jalil room on the 23rd floor. kisah benar. so many times that i cried, wishing i had done something else, anything, but medicine. but i knew that there was no turning back and all i could do was to move on, a step at a time. say loads of prayers to God, asking Him to lead me, guide me. He's been my most faithful supporter through these trying times of mine. (ok, and my mum LOL). and i think of all the people's lives that i've made a difference in, and the wonderful friends and just random strangers, inspirational role models that have crossed my path - it gives me strength. so here, i would like to thank a few people (shuddup lah, very typical of me i know but wat the fuck you're reading my blog):

mum: for EVERYTHING that you've provided me with. for your endless love and words of wisdom and encouragement. i am here not because of myself (ok maybe a bit lah harrr) but because of you.

God: for answering my prayers every night. for showing me the way. for loving me.

surin: it's been FIVE YEARS! and YOU have been there for me (i'm sure ive been there for you also tsk) every step of the way. from the first day of medical school, right up till now. the crying sessions, gossipstressrelieving sessions, makan moments, whining moments (only you can hear me whine allll the time - because you whine the same amount also! LOL). and to mummy and daddy, for being my second mummy and daddy. love you much. i'll see you soon.

michelle: whadya know woman. it'll be your turn soon. i wouldn't have done this without you. what with all the boy problems feck them. although we're oceanssss apart (sounds like a dramamama love story), i'm glad we had each other through thick and thin. and the numerous sleep over sessions! :) love you more!

B: i don't know how to call you by name anymore. so weird. 2.5 years, through all the madness. the fights and cries. through the happy, crazy, "exotic" times :D i drove me up the wall all the time, but you always knew your way around me. thank you for being there whenever i was a mess, during my pms moments and for allowing me to violently slap you in your balls (not literally!) when it all gets to crazy. most of all, for believing that i could do anything and for being my number one fan :) love you.

ho wai: my faithful walking encyclopaedia :) what would i have done without you. where would all the fun be?! from you, i've learnt so much, not only from a medical perspective, but life as a whole. how to not learn tai chi to survive in this world! how to not learn how to skip class and not get caught, sleep in the oncall rooms, to divert the lecturer's attention, to divert anything and everything to our own benefit! :D hahaha. you know i love you. thanks for looking out for me always and saving my burnt ass all the time and for bringing me life! :)

housies pik and lump and second housie maya T: my two lesbian partners at home. where would i be releasing my sexual frustrations if not for you guys? :D thank you for everything, we did it! will you all ever call me by my proper name again? :( LOL. always your bo :)

sooiphing: for being the most understanding non-medically related bestfriend i ever had. for believing in me and for your neverending shower of love, care and support. here's to many more penang moments! :)

dr wong: for your patience, guidance (literally spoon feeding me) and words of inspiration. you are nothing but the best friend, best lecturer, and best counsellor and best senior i've ever had. i think i do like nephrology a little bit more ;) thank you for everything.

joel: 'marry me' always makes me smile :) thank you for constantly cheering me along the way and for the random surprises that you do to make my day feel more alive at every single moment. and for being there to hear me out and telling me that i can do it. i did it :) and you will too. i'll wait to hear you bring the same news i brought to you 2 days ago. i have every faith in you! love you much! :)

shaf: for just being you. for calming me down all the time, and for having faith in me. and for all the prayers too! :) wouldn't have done it without you.

everyone in IMU: to the datos (my favourite is youknowwho) for your constant guidance and words of wisdom, i am here today, BECAUSE YOU ALL PASSED ME. rofl. dato, you've been an inspiration and the best teacher i could ever ask for. thank you from the bottom of my heart.

family and friends: to everyone i didnt mention, you know i have you in my heart. for your unwavering support and faith in me, and for sticking by me through it all, i love you! :)

here's to the entire C1/09 batch, here's to us! we all did it. i'm sorry if i were ever a pain in the ass. i'm extremely honored to have been part of the batch. here's to an awesome and bright future for all of us :) YUM SENG! :)

congratulations once again, to the graduating class of C1/09 MBBS IMU! :)

as for me, i shall now retire. clean up my disgustingly terrible room and house with random boxes all over. i will see you all soon. toodles!

2011-08-01T09:46:00.000+08:00

it's time. to prove that i am worth it. to prove that i've actually done something for the past 5 years. its been 5 years down the road. and it still seems unbelievable and so surreal to me.

in less than 24 hours, judgement day.

wish me luck. pray! i will be home with good news. :)

this goes out to my entire batch, even if we dont see eye to eye, from the bottom of my heart, i hope we all get pass the finishing line together.

someone wise said, the only person to fail you, is yourself.

CHARGEEEEE! :)

2011-07-15T21:08:00.002+08:00

16 days and counting. to the moment we've all been waiting for. i don't know how it's gonna turn out. i don't know what the verdict will be.

but i will hold myself together. i will do what it takes. it's been 5 years. finally.

pray.

shia my love :)

2011-07-03T16:55:00.001+08:00

it's been awhile since i've posted movie reviews in here. :) and transformers 3: dark of the moon is a must! :)

god, how can anyone, ANYONE, deny shia labeouf?! dayummmm!

*spoiler ahead*

i thought it was a good movie. better than the second one, my opinion. shia is just perfect for the role of sam and he plays it so effortlessly. i like how some of the original casts are still here. josh duhamel, john turturro, tyrese gibson, julie white and kevin dunn (plays mom and dad!). i don't think anyone, can bring what megan fox brought to the screen for the previous two movies. now i really do miss her. rosie huntington was so fake! the on-screen chemistry was definitely stronger and wayyyy better between megan and shia (afterall, he did admit to them being together for awhile, didn't he? :) john malkovich was okayyy. what the fuck is patrick dempsey doing in there?! i mean sure, he is hot, very. but why is he the bad guy?! pfft. such an asshole.

i thought the plot was pretty solid. good action, good story, great people, stunning effects and sound .. mmm, just awesome.

as for the autobots, amazing as always. decepticons you suck. and why the fuck is megatron still alive?! did they not tear him into pieces and throw him into the deep blue ocean?! mehh.. bring someone new!

i'd give it a 8/10. A.W.E.S.O.M.E.. congratulations michael bay, for another masterpiece :)

p/s: if shia labeouf is not in transformers 4, i WILL NOT watch it. goodday and goodbye.

birthday wish list :)

2011-07-02T15:12:00.000+08:00

you know this would be coming, don't you ? :D

i figured i should shed some light in here after all the dark, gloomy posts before this. doesn't mean i'm not emo and that i've gotten over everything that's happened. but maybe this is a start. let's hope!

anyways, i don't think i'd be able to go home for the weekend. grumbles. work is overwhelming, portfolios - some to start anew, some for correctionssss (gah!), studying, exams.. geez can't it just stop right here right now?

the only person who has gotten me my gift already is... jeng jeng jeng! koo ho wai of course. have yet to select what i want to buy, but i roughly have an idea! :D

i want .......

1. an ipod/iphone/ipad (thank you very much)
2. a red pointe shoes *hearts*
3. westlife and all things westlife (you. shaddap.)
4. a hugeeeeeeeee angry bird (preferably the red or blue one ehehe.)
5. a marc jacobs 'daisy' perfume!
6. hair curler/straightener
7. Lady Antebellum's new album!
8. a man like Prince William
9. someone to do my portfolios
10. a new lappie! so i can do my work and watch movie on a different screen you have no idea how pathetic i am having to minimise all windows in order to multitask ;(

oklah. i think this would prolly cost a fortune already. jokes aside, what i prolly really want most is to just spend it with the people i love (and of course who loves me back and are not evil to me. haha!).

back to work! feeling a lil lightheaded already. oh the thought of a fracture of the neck of femur! *drowns*

2011-06-27T12:16:00.000+08:00

i wished time would just stop right now. now, before i trip over and plunge into that god forsaken place.

i have chosen the profession that requires all of me. my heart, my soul, my time, and my entire life. it doesn't even matter that i don't have time for myself. but the truth is, i don't even have time for the people i love. my mum. my aunt. my cousins. my niece. my bestest of friends. it really is so difficult for them to get me to just talk and catch up. everyone says my mum calls me ten times in a day. that was once true. but now our conversations have been so scarce and so superficial that all she could ask me within that limited of time was if i had my lunch or dinner.

instead of caring for my loved ones, my life has been dedicated to serve someone else's loved ones.

i'm not hating them. i'm not mad at those who need my help. i'm just pissed and angry at myself. if only i had more than 24 hours in a day.

i miss being home. just with the people i love.

seriously, if none of you are tired of my emo posts, and my never ending woes and wails and cries for help.. well i am. jeez.. why am i such a dumb fuck.

2011-06-22T17:15:00.000+08:00

this time, last year, you and i were in the UK.

boy do i miss it so much. the non scorching sun, the cold wind, beautiful blooming gorgeous flowers and green grass and the ancient buildings and friendly people.

and us. strolling aalong princes street. the meadows. catching a bus. never-ending weekend trips.

edinburgh wouldn't be the same without you.

2011-06-21T23:13:00.000+08:00

i guess this is it, eh?

it didn't take you very long to forget me. didn't take you very long to get over me. and it didn't take you very long to stop trying.

from the names we used to call each other, to just a nod along the corridors, or our own formal names.

i guess i didn't make quite an impact on you. maybe i am just another ordinary person who's crossed ur paths. but that's really just all.

goodbye.

2011-06-15T23:19:00.000+08:00

why did you have to wait till everything's too late?

why did you have to wait till there's no turning back to say the things i want to hear?

why didn't you fight to keep me? why didn't you treat me the way i deserved to be treated?

why did you have to break my heart again and again and reassure me now with things based on false pretenses?

why didn't you fight for me? fight for us?

it's so easy for me to fall back into what i once knew. so easy for me to fall back into you and believe as if nothing has happened. but i can't. because i know i'd be doing so much of injustice to myself. i don't deserve this. why now, when things have gone out of hand so much, to a point beyond salvage? why only now when i have made up my mind?

i'm afraid. i am so, very afraid. of taking that leap forwards, away from you, away from us. i sat here, having dinner by myself, and i can't stop thinking of what we'd be eating now together, if we were still us. i just want to wallow in self pity. i'm afraid of leaving the things we've shared together, the times we spent just basking in our love, for now, they will only be a piece of memory left, seated deep within a corner of my mind.

" waiting for you is like waiting for rain in this drought, useless and disappointing "

why did you have to wait for the rain?

2011-06-14T19:59:00.000+08:00

i wrote to you and i said, i don't know you anymore and that scares me.

it scares me because i thought i once knew you. what happened to the times that i had always known what you wanted, your thoughts, and what you were gonna do next. people change without them realising it, doesn't matter good or bad, you somehow, become a stranger to another. you may deny and put it to argue with your unfathomable opinions and thoughts. but i feel it. i feel the change.

i've never felt so much hurt and pain before. every thought of you, or at every mention of your name or face, i feel that stab, sunked deep into the core of my beating heart.

i need to get used to not hearing from you anymore, or waiting ror you to text, or call to ask what i feel like eating for dinners, or just you telling me what you were up to and asking how my day was. then again, its been ages, or so it seems, that we last did all that. i am getting there.

i asked myself hundreds and millions of times, if there was anything i could have done differently, or if there was any way i could've made you see me, hear me, or change the course of this relationship that has driven us both apart. and i realised that there was none. i have tried my best. i once gave up trying to change you a year and a half ago, but i came back because i wanted it to work so badly. but i guess, now i have to come to terms with the fact that you can't mix both tea and chocolate together. you and i will never come to a compromise. i believe in what i stand for and what i preach while you will forever be at the very end, clueless of who i am, what i am.

another 6 more weeks and we're going separate ways. i should've read this sign a long time ago. that you will never come home with me, that we will soon be far apart, drowned in our new social circle and the never-ending workload.

if we can't even make it now, i don't see how we can make it in the future.

2011-06-12T23:51:00.000+08:00

i'm sure everyone's afraid of being lonely. i know i am. so are you.

i just didn't think that that would be the reason why you held me for so long and allowed me to drown into you like a hopeless victim of a shattered love.

two years of heartache and never-ending screams and cries in a feeble attempt to make you and i work. i just didn't want to take no for an answer. two years down the road, you and i happened. and then the idea of commitment got brutally murdered.

i have tried. i have given in everything i have and own. i wanted it so badly i was ready to give up my entire life for you. i guess i have finally come to accept that you and i were never meant to be. now noone, including myself, would ever blame me for not trying, for not putting up a fight, for not taking matters of fate into my hands. i did. for a long, long time.

they say you can never mend a broken heart. and its true. because you have ripped it all away from me, my heart, my mind, my soul and myself.

i just want to rest. finally.

2011-06-11T22:25:00.003+08:00

if i only knew.

i would not have wasted two precious years of my life for you.

i'm done.

2011-06-03T14:57:00.000+08:00

Does anybody know
How to hold my heart?

if there's a way for me to let you go and forget all the things we've had and the memories we've shared, i would do anything for that.

if i could take back those 2 years.

2011-05-29T22:21:00.000+08:00

first time scrubbing in! :) nervous, scared, anxious, excited gah! its all a mess! :)

although i only get to hold this and hold that (LOL), suction here and suction there but it was cool.

alrights, back to portfolio. fark that.

2011-05-24T14:40:00.000+08:00

Gah! ObsGyn is DRAINING me. this is prolly the only free time i'll ever get ever again throughout this whole week.

it's made me think in a lot of ways. like how i definitely dont want to do O&G at any point in my life anymore. i mean i realise i'm only interested in the babies when they're out and i forget about the mother (at times more like i don't really care heeh!) and the numerous medicolegal issues (dr kathir made it so real today it really freaked me out) and the fact that every obstetrician is loose in the head. seriously.

it prolly is just too demanding to my liking. sure, i guess my life has to be dedicated to my patients. but i only have 24 hours in a day. and i am just as human as anyone else, like each of my patients too. if i don't even have time to take care of myself how am i supposed to care for them. i just suddenly found my abilities so limited :(

then again, things will get a lot more worse in the next few weeks, months and years to come. the ugly truth and reality about working in our government hospital setting.

and as dr kathir says, GET MARRIED SOON. ;)

2011-05-02T23:15:00.000+08:00

when we're happy, we're truly happy being together. and i remember why i loved him in the first place - he makes me laugh like no other :)

i remember telling him that night when we fought, to carry on with his own plans in life, and just don't include me in it because i don't ever want to be part of it anymore because i would ocassionally get so fed up and upset. and i was just angry. pissed. and then he said, "but all along, my plan was you".

i love you.

2011-04-30T23:14:00.000+08:00

doesn't matter anymore now. your promises remain as lies. your sorrys are merely just words uttered in a feeble attempt to get your way back into me. it don't matter anymore. because you won't ever get it. you won't ever see the flaws within your own self. i can only do this much. i am limited afterall. i don't have so many chances to give, i don't have a lifetime to wait. i am not God.

sure, we're happy a lot of the times, but we're also fighting most of the time. i can only be amazed at how many a times i've forgiven you and taken you back into my life. like i said, there is always a limit. to everything. a woman should never have been treated such by a man, let alone multiple unforgiving times. its sad to see how i am such a fool. an idiot who has succumbed to her own actions and foolish thoughts.

then again, people do stupid foolish things when they're in love. maybe it is time for me to take a step back and look at the bigger picture on the other things that i'm missing in life. by then, it probably won't be you anymore.

2011-04-09T22:42:00.000+08:00

i gave my heart to you. i gave you my trust.

please just don't break it.

2011-03-31T17:05:00.002+08:00

if You have a plan for me, would You please tell it to me now?

stop these circles for me?

2011-03-20T19:44:00.000+08:00

i love that feeling of anticipating for someone, knowing that they'll be here at your end soon. i love that feeling of how they're finally here, and you drive out to pick them up. i love that feeling of how there's so much things you can do with them, even if it's just hanging around at home not doing anything productive.

i love how my mum's here over the weekend. it feels like its been ages since i've gone home. its only been 3 weeks, coming to 4. but maybe its because i've never really gotten that longgggg break at home after an exhausting final exams.

but i hate how she had to leave for home. 800 km away from where i am. i don't suppose i'm ok. i hate sending her down to the cab and watching as it drives out of sight. and then when you come up to the room, it feels empty. just you and that silence. and maybe that youtube video that you'd play it over and over again.

home. 4 days. :)

2011-03-14T21:20:00.000+08:00

and so we put our hands together, and pray .. pray for the people of Japan, pray for the world.

may there be peace on earth.

2011-03-08T16:46:00.002+08:00

the best place to fall asleep is in your arms.

you are my favourite past time :)

i love you.

2011-03-04T19:01:00.000+08:00

one week down. it really is fast. and i'm tired already.

adjustment disorder? TOTALLY.

i really do like this town a lot better than seremban (apart from the fact that its further away from home and so i dont get to go home that often and even if i could i wouldnt know how to because everything is so far away and driving takes forever). still trying to get around the place, getting familiar with things, especially mandarin! i must say my mandarin isn't all thattttt bad (LOL!).

i dont know why but i just dont feel like doing anything at all. its either things still haven't quite settled in, or is it because of the overwhelming workload that i'd rather have to run away from it or is it the fact that i'm horribly ill now. farrrrrrking cold and sinusitis and cough shitz (what more combinations can anyone ever ask for?)

i wished he didn't have to go home this week :( i had in my mind even at the start of the week of the things we could do, it's almost like i planned it out so perfectly well already. that japanese restaurant we must must must go to! :) he and i both have this weird taste for japanese food. heh. and then i'd like to bring him shopping (not that batu pahat has a lot of choices to offer but mehhhhh, better than none - secretly waiting for singapore!) because he so needs a wardrobe makeover! then again, it's ok. i suppose we have forever. :)

why am i tired all the time again? growls. i wished i was more UP AND ABOUT! mehhhh.

maya's birthday tonight. two movies tomorrow. and a portfolio to write up (SO SOONNNN??! YES LAH WAT THE FARKKKK).

ps: i miss you already. i missed you yesterday. today. tomorrow. and always ♥

2011-03-01T23:16:00.000+08:00

so yes, i passed semester 9. already in semester 10. and it only gets tougher.

shifting to batu pahat here wasn't easy at all. growls. im glad i had mummy and daddy with me :)

and then i had to fall sick and be completely lightheaded and tired and headache with a stupid stuffed nose its irritating!

i wished we were given more time to adjust to things around here and not just throw at us the psychotically heavy workload immediately. sighs.

i do like my new house. my new room. the better food and a wide array of choices to pick from! :)

i only wished he would spend a few minutes of his busy life with me. am i not worth that 15 minutes out of his life?

2011-02-17T20:46:00.000+08:00

don't let it be the end, but let it be the beginning of another chapter please?

which in this case means, LET ME GO TO BATU PAHAT LIKE NEXT WEEK!

and so will we all. everyone. not a single soul left behind. tonight i will pray. we will all be okay.

2011-02-15T00:20:00.000+08:00

every moment with you is every moment i'm awake. i don't know about tomorrow, but i have you now, and today. :)

With Love,
B.

2011-02-08T15:14:00.000+08:00

tomorrow is THE day.

judgement day.

i don't know if what i've been working for for these years is enough to take me through my final race. to grasp hold of that vision so vaguely placed in my hands.

i hope it is. and so i pray. every minute along the way.

i'll see everyone again soon. its been a while. 2 weeks. :)

2011-01-17T19:28:00.000+08:00

you don't understand. they don't understand.

no matter how hard i try, i would always be behind. and everytime i double my efforts just to be able to race beside them, it never seems enough. never.

so i guess my best isn't always enough for you. for them. for anyone. for the world.

2010-12-31T08:57:00.000+08:00

we're done.

it's over.

if we don't belong here, then i'm sure we belong elsewhere.

somewhere in time.

we'd find that place for us.

positivity

2010-12-27T18:10:00.000+08:00

i know i haven't been in here for a long long time. no, i haven't forgotten my faithful, old blogger. i think i still find it a lot easier to express what i feel in words here. tumblr seems to be a little more.... visual? :)

things are going up and down these days. with studies, him, and even the people around me.

it scares me to think that finals are in 6 weeks' time and i haven't started shit. and i am now doing my gynaecology posting it's not even funny at all. internal medicine came and go. was ok. minus the drama.

him and i. we're still at that. the good days are good. the bad days are bad. its always the same old cycle for us.

and the people around me? they scare me at times. my mum says the world is a stage. but i'm the poorest actor you can ever find. i would never make it to hollywood. it scares me how pretentious people can get when they so obviously dislike you and yet, still be able to fake a smile in front of you. it takes me a lot of effort to do that because i know i can't. i'm not at par. i am only me. and the more i do that, the more i start hating myself. not them, but me. so who to trust in the end? i always tell myself. that i don't need to have a lot of friends. it don't matter if half the class dislike me. as long as i know that there are a few out there whom i call my best of friends. they're the ones that keep me afloat. keep me alive. and if you're one of those people that i constantly am in touch with, then you know who you are :)

i miss how things were a lot simpler when you're young. if that stupid boy snatched my lollipop back when we were in kindergarten, i'd smack his butt and snatched it back and be friends again tomorrow like as if it never happened. why can't people stay that way all the time? why are we always influenced by the negativity of our surroundings? why can't we ever learn to forgive and forget?

i'm tired of playing the games people play. i just want to be me. i just want to take a step back, and live life. the way i want to.

please, will you let me?

2010-12-04T11:21:00.000+08:00

diwali night came and go. i've never been busier this past week. ward work and classes taking up most of my days and night practices for the dance. loved it :)

the exam fever hasn't quite settled in yet. hence the daily routine of catching up with my tv series and youtubing and doing absolute complete nonsense here in my room. procrastination has taken over me. not like it hasn't been this way all along, in fact it's always been this way. shucks. i keep telling myself that it's 8 months to graduation. and 10 months to hell. afterall, housemanship IS hell. oh the thought of it.

things haven't quite gone the way i wanted it to. the past weeks were a torture to live in. i can't even begin telling the story of what how why when. but it just wasn't right. but it was always this question: AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH? not just for him. of course partly it was for him. but it was also me, as a friend. am i not good enough for my friends. am i not good enough for the people i love (or i thought who loved me back as well) ? why do i have to try so hard?

ho wai said i should write about happy, silly things here. because everyone seems to know what i would write about already. it's just him. and him. and him. and my life. even iiiii am getting bored of myself.

ohhh! hahaha! :) you'll love this. some of you who knows this other him. maya called me (cos she couldn't wait any longer) and told me about how he went for a hair loss program and became one of that company's testimonial figure. and it's all over midvalley's billboard!! ahahah. good lord. and surin couldn't wait to send me the link of the website and god was he FUGLY. i think i seriously need to pick my guys properly. geez. such a poser! who the hell would want to tell the world about how little hair he had?! and dude, you're a doctor HELLOOOOO?! ahhh but then again, how else would we get the chance to laugh and be happy about it? TERATOMA :D

anyways the reason why i blocked my blog here from everyone (who are NOT my friends) is because i think i've had enough of rumours going around. i just hate how people can interpret one single line that i've written here into something so hideous and totally uncalled for which is absolutely absurd and bollocks! seriously some people just need to learn to shut their fucking mouths up and stop speculating about what's going on with the other person's life. dude, if you want to know, ASK ME! duhhh. i mean ocassionally i don't even understand what i write here. so HOW CAN YOU BE ME?! freak. and another main reason why i decided to not let him read it is because it didn't make any difference to us. he just reads it and goes oh ok. "???" it's not like he understands how i feel or what's been happening actually. so it's irritating the hell out of me.

so if you can read this - then you're my friend ;)

i'm putting on weight! NOOOOOO :( i've started going to the gym with ho wai and joel. oklah, they go more than i do lah. but hahahh! it's because of the dance practices! ok i'll start again soon :D and yoga :) me loves. i need to be able to do my splits again!

i've just started my tumblr though. you can check it out if you'd like :) livelife-loud.tumblr.com :)

2010-11-23T09:39:00.000+08:00

and so i have to move along. even if it means that i have to do it on my own. alone. to let you go. because i can't stand another day, waiting, waiting in vain, only to have to know that you won't ever take that one step ahead with me.

am i not enough?

2010-11-23T09:29:00.002+08:00

I gave you my heart.That’s all I give you. And if that’s not enough for you, I’m not enough for you.

say goodbye

2010-11-21T12:23:00.000+08:00

If I seem distant
Baby I am
Words are like scissors in your hands
And there’s no script to follow
So I just close my eyes
That way it won’t hurt so much
When we say goodbye

I feel just like an actress
Up on the stage
I can’t believe
What I’m hearing myself say
And the porch light is my spotlight
So I play along with this life
That way it won’t hurt so much
When we say goodbye

Did you ever love me?
Does it even matter?
Did you even notice the whole world shatter?
I just want to hold you ‘til you know I’m sorry
But I just keep it all inside
That way it won’t hurt so much
When we say goodbye

My heart feels like a circus
It’s to much to take in
It’s hard to lose love
But you were my best friend

So I walk this high wire
Alone….tonight
That way it won’t hurt so much
When we say goodbye

empty

2010-11-20T19:04:00.000+08:00

now i do understand why, that it's become a habit. that before i go to bed at night, i need to read the horoscope for the next day.

it's just because i needed someone, or something, a sign, to tell me what to do. because i am clueless. because i am.... blank.

2010-11-19T18:48:00.000+08:00

though it may seem as if we've known each other for a substantial amount of time, i find you slipping away from the person i used to know. or at least i thought i knew.

maybe we weren't meant to break the walls down. maybe we were just meant to know each other between two spaces in time.

how is it so that you don't remember me for the things that i've done. for the things i've done for you. for us. and so, i ask myself everyday, every minute, why do you only remember me for the things that i have NOT done? and to make matters worse, you accuse me of things that i didn't do or say. is it not enough that you broke my heart once, twice, thrice and then every other minute that you now have to resort to throwing such nasty and false allegations at me time and time again? and then you frame me up, put me in that claustrophobic box where i can't breathe.

you didn't want me in the first place. you didn't want to commit. so then what do you want from me now? my heart has been aching since the first day you said we would never make it. and then i allow myself to hope and to dream and to keep the faith. but time and time again you shatter my heart as i left it at your doorstep over and over again.

i am utterly. disappointed. angry. frustrated. mad. i hate how every word you say shakes me up deep inside while i try so hard to hide it away from the world. i hate that i love you. i hate how they take you away. i hate how they insert thoughts in your head and make you turn away against me. it is, afterall, me against the world. but i know, that no matter how hard i try, we would probably never make it. i want to move on from you. i want to let go.

then maybe, someday, some time, we may find ourselves again, back at where we once knew each other..

stop

2010-11-17T21:17:00.000+08:00

you don't have to understand me. you don't have to know me.

if it has to take you that long to know the person i truly am, then just don't. just give up.

but stop. stop accusing me for the things i didn't do. for the things i didn't say.

stop putting that dart through my heart.

2010-11-15T12:34:00.002+08:00

really, honestly, life has been quite uneventful thus far. hence the lack of updates. i don't even know what to write here. i mean part of me don't even know what the fuck i'm doing with my life.

anaes and radio posting started. anaes is uber awesomely fun! :) yes, another choice i would really consider in the near future. currently, it stands at paediatrics, surgery, anaesthesiology and ENT :) love being in the OR the whole day. being in scrubs. with air cond! no sweat :) me likes. and especially with anaes, i could bum the whole day sitting in the OR and just read a novel, play with my phone, dress up with killer heels all day. BESTTTT! heh.

its exactly 8 months to graduation. and 10 months to working as a house officer. kill me?

mum came and went back. one week gone. just like that. snap. hate it when she has to leave. takes me a lot of time and courage to pick myself back up again and to realise that i'm alone in this (sounds like some breakup but yes).

oh right! now i do remember what i have to write about :) the 3rd asia pacific gastroesophageal cancer conference (APGCC) ! :D totally loved it. it just further inspires me to be a surgeon :) all my favourite surgeons here were there. Mr Maha is an absolute gem. Dato is just.. god. and all other really nice people. it just leaves me wondering if i'd ever be that good. and if i'd ever make such a huge impact in my career that could change people's lives. of course, apart from all the "work" we did there, there was time for shopping at sunway pyramid, one U, and haha stealing freebies :) we're only malaysians..

Mr. Mahadevan, my favourite surgeon :)

i think i need to stop giving shits to what people do to annoy me, or what they say to get me down. because ultimately, i've only 8 months left here and then we're all going our separate ways (crossing my fingers and hope i don't get the same hospital as you suck ass people) and then you can do anything you want or die for all i care.

ok, very random but it's also part of what's been bothering me for the past weeks. so i hear shit. and i have to take the shit in. but who the fuck cares anymore.

oh well.. i really should get going. tumblr coming up soon, just need to get the background done. and learn some stuff abit before i completely transfer the thing. i do still love blogspot! :(

harry potter this wednesday! :D

i miss home. i always do. but so does everyone. and ps: it doesn't make me any more of a cry baby than you are. piss off!

2010-11-01T18:43:00.002+08:00

hello people. i am currently contemplating if i should switch to tumblr? or stay here. :D tell me what to do!

2010-10-31T20:47:00.004+08:00

you always know the way to my heart...

masked

2010-10-31T16:09:00.000+08:00

i need to wake up. and start realizing the harshness of the reality that i live in.

no. you don't deserve me. you don't deserve what i have to give. you don't deserve what i have to offer.

you, don't deserve to be my friend.

now would you please step aside?

Dave Matthews Band - Crash Into Me

2010-10-31T15:52:00.000+08:00

my only exception ♥

2010-10-30T22:41:00.001+08:00

october has been one of the most eventful month ever. the ups. and the downs. paeds exams finally ended. i've this extremely weird feeling about paeds since i started a month ago. i'm finding myself hating the subject. really. partly prolly because i started it out really rough and i just somehow didn't feel like i've grasped enough throughout the 4 weeks. looked like a complete idiot when prof asked me how does one get dengue when i happily and loudly answered female anopheles mosquitoe. great. he probably thinks i'm stupid. saq paper - completely stunned at how vague the questions were. and tuberculosis?! that is internal med lah please. grr.

the up side to all of that - is PARAMOREEE!♥

oh loves. absolutely. stunningly. utterly. amazing. awesome. incredible.

19th october 2010.

best awesome rock concert night ever! :) totally worth the amount i paid. which of course was the cheapest ticket but heck, we got to sit at the more expensive seats because noone checked. oh yes!

oh the start of the concert was amazing. all that screaming and shouting and shrieks. all that frenzy! it was crazeee! :D and to know that i was part of that !

they did most of my favourite songs. ignorance. that's what you get. brick by boring brick. WHEN IT RAINS! the only exception. crushcrushcrush!! and ended with misery business :) oh totally hearts!

hayley - she's just amazing. she's so absolutely talented and beautiful! she's like this tiny little figure jumping and prancing non-stop on the stage. it was so effortless. where the hell did she find that energy to do it for 2 hours?! its crazy. and the rest of the band - absolutely flawless. like they have this same routine where they do the head bangings with legs wide opened, all together! it was so cute.

i know i've been going on and on about this for ages now. and its all i ever want to talk about and carry a conversation about with others. like seriously. like oh, you speak paramore too?! omg! haha. and its all over my facebook. yes. and its part of another reason why i got depressed and totally refused to study and hate paeds more. like why the fuck am i doing medicine. i should quit and start a band myself and tour the world and see all the beautiful things there is. life just doesn't stop at medicine. pfft.

i lived and breathed paramore every second of my life since the concert. it was insane. i was pretty sure i was turning manic. oh wells, life goes on. i'm sure i'm still a rockstar despite doing medicine :D haha.

pa ra pa pa ra pa pa ra ! :) ♥

joel. ellice. maya. pei. ho wai. aaron

was extremely high the whole week and the following week! :) glad to hear that angelene and mun cheng was there too! :) ♥

because i know better

2010-10-27T18:21:00.000+08:00

i looked through abir's tumblr. they're all filled with "i love you"s and "i will wait for you" and "i want us". and then i remember all the times i said that. here. and to you. and i realise that i've been so stupid all along. you never wanted "us". you only wanted "you". i want to tell her so badly that it won't ever work out. we would just be waiting for rain in a long and terrible drought.

i don't deserve any hope, do i? i just didn't think i would've mattered so much less, and in so short a time, to you. people move on, don't we?

2010-10-27T18:15:00.000+08:00

I’m not going to force you to break it down, I’m going to let you do it on your own. And when you do, I’ll let you.
This is how much I am into you, you know that? Then again, maybe i WAS. but i guess not anymore now. because you just built me another wall to keep me away from ever loving again.

i am..

2010-10-23T23:17:00.000+08:00

the stupidest person ever alive. yes?

coming soon

2010-10-21T18:44:00.002+08:00

updates soon. not now. i will die if i don't start studying for my paeds soon. seriously.

PARAMORE ROCKKKKSSSS!

loved :)

2010-10-17T15:29:00.001+08:00

i came home for the weekends. i think i needed this break away from where we were. i was in such a big mess.

spent the few days at home just being with my mum and dad. my aunt. and my baby niece :) love her to bits although she did fart in my face. LOL.

i think i am a lot better now. i still do think about you. but i've come to terms with it. i am accepting it. time will tell the truth, i'm sure.

i thank god everyday for giving me this strength to move on. and for sending me his angels to help me through it all.

thank you ho wai, for always being there. taking me out and constantly reminding me that life doesn't just end here. and for buying me sammy the moose! :) i love you ho wai!

thank you hui li for calling me up and checking on me. i miss you so very very much! come home soon ok :) i love you more darling! kisses :D

thank you pau for always listening to me grumble and complain and cry over the phone. i know you have other, aherm, "things" to attend to, and i'm sorry i took up so much of your time. but thank you :)

thank you shaf for making me smile all the time. and for all that you've told me ( it was harsh, but it was the truth that i needed to hear). thank you for making me look forward to so many things. and for just being here. you know i love you shaf!

and of course my mum - who's undying love have been keeping me alive.

♥

2010-10-14T11:50:00.002+08:00

it doesn't change anything, does it? we're still ... broken.

2010-10-13T14:50:00.000+08:00

i wake up every morning, thinking about all that we've said the past two weeks. and then i think about everything that we've said to each other since more than a year ago. all the promises you made to me. all the broken ones. you said you would never hurt me. you would never have the heart to. but you did it, no matter what.

i go to bed every night wishing i had the power to make things right. wishing i could've turned back time to where we could start over. wishing we could still pick up the pieces from where we last left behind and make it happen.

i fake a smile along the corridors when they walk by. i try so hard to talk to people, and pretend to be happy. to be ok. but the truth is, my heart is still shattered. and i can't seem to find a way to fix it back. i don't know how to do it without you.

i need you now

2010-10-13T08:53:00.000+08:00

i thought about us last night. how you would hold me in your arms while we sleep the night away. i miss you too much. i wanted to call you so badly but i just couldn't pick up the phone. i wouldn't. my heart screams and is aching so bad. but my mind is telling me that i need to stop needing and wanting you.

you're so near and yet, so far.

"and i wonder if i ever crossed your mind,
for me it happens all the time,
it's a quarter after one,
i'm a little drunk and i need you now,
said i wouldn't call but i lost all control and i need you now,
and i don't know how i can do without,
i just need you now"

2010-10-12T22:32:00.002+08:00

i think about you all the time too ♥

questions

2010-10-10T12:48:00.000+08:00

i asked myself this everyday of my life since 14 months and 4 weeks ago. i just didn't want to admit it. i just couldn't accept it. because i have given everything at my best. and so i couldn't understand why you don't see me that way.

it's starting to sink in. really. i thank god for making each day a little more bearable for me. and i thank Him for all the people he sends to me every step of my way.

i need to stop. i will.

ps: i'm sorry my readers will have to bear with all these emotional thoughts at its random. it is, afterall, my only way to salvage my sanity.

broken

2010-10-10T00:26:00.000+08:00

i'm falling apart. i'm barely breathing. with a broken heart. that's still beating. in the pain, there is healing. in your name, i find meaning.

watched your dreams like falling stars

2010-10-09T12:50:00.000+08:00

I will show you love like you've never loved before
I will go the distance and back for more if you just say the word

You will come alive again and call the trying times your friend
The pain that you have suffered through will never get the best of you
You will hope in something real that won't depend on how you feel
When you call my name then I will answer, answer

I am on your side though the wind and waves beat against your faith
You were on my mind when the world was made
Trust in me my child, Trust in me my child

Walk out on the water where you have no control
So scared to death of failure you sacrifice your soul, please let that go

You have climbed an uphill road, You have worn a heavy load
You have cried through endless nights and nearly given up the fight
Watched your dreams like falling stars the heartaches made you who you are
Now looking back you see that I have always been there

Where you gonna hide? Where you gonna hide from Me?
Where you gonna go? Where you gonna go that I can't see?

I have heard you cry and it breaks my heart for I love you so
I would never lie, this is not the end there is still a hope

i pray

2010-10-08T22:22:00.000+08:00

i've never looked to god any more than i do these few days. day 3 without you and i've knelt before god too many a time. i asked for him to give me the strength to get on with life. to give me the courage to live without you. and then i question god. i asked him why he had to put me through all these if he knew it would only end this way and tear me into pieces. i asked why couldn't he made you love me and want me more.

i remember how everytime you touched me, i felt alive. but today, when you did, it only crushed my broken heart ever more.

day 3 - i'm empty.

strangers

2010-10-08T11:33:00.000+08:00

we don't say good nights anymore. we don't say i love you anymore. we don't call each other names anymore. we don't say how much we miss each other anymore.

i suppose we don't have to from now on. you and i make the perfect strangers.

ain't enough

2010-10-07T23:42:00.000+08:00

i want to kiss you like how we kissed the first time.

i want you to hold me like how you always do.

i want to lay beside you and hear your heart beat close to mine.

i want you to pull me close like how you always do when we sleep at night.

i want to talk to you and fall asleep in your arms.

i want to hold your hand and have you kiss me on my forehead.

i want you to tell me you love me like the first time you said it.

i'm probably the world's most affectionate creature. i want to kiss you all the time. i want to stroll anywhere on earth with you holding your hands. i want to tell you how much i love you every minute. i want to shower my love every moment like as if i can't contain it no more.

but love isn't everything, is it? no.

annihilation

2010-10-07T22:06:00.001+08:00

i am my own weapon of self destruction. i don't know why i do it. i don't know why i try so hard to make you hate me. the things that i say. the things that i do. they only seem to cut our wound deeper. but the truth is, i end up hurting myself even more. even i don't get me.

i always thought love was enough to make us work. apparently it wasn't. or. you just didn't love me enough to want me as much as i want you.

i push you away. i can't stand the sight of you. i can't stand being near you. because all i would ever think of is how we could be, perfect. and so i leave. i tear you apart. i tear me apart. and then i destroy you. me. us. because i don't know how to live a life without you in it.

day 2. i died.

2010-10-06T22:27:00.000+08:00

i miss us.

2010-10-06T17:29:00.000+08:00

this is pathetic isn't it. it feels as if i have noone to talk to and to cry to. writing, seems like the only way i can relieve myself from this aching endless pain that is killing me silently.

no, i do have friends. and i know they'd be willing to spend eternity telling me what's the best thing to do and to comfort me and tell me that everything will be ok along the way. it's just that i'm getting tired of myself. because i don't listen to anyone. i drown myself with my own thoughts and convince myself that basking in my own misery and sadness is the only way i could ever live again.

i do. i do that to myself all the time. all i want to do is to play sad love songs on my radio. watch sappy movies. lay on the bed and think of you. most of all, i just want to cry everyday. and feel sorry for myself.

its suicidal. i know. but its the only way for me to live, at least for now.

safe

2010-10-06T17:07:00.000+08:00

Doesn't even matter to you
To see what I can see
I'm crawling on the floor to reach you
I'm a wreck you see
When you're far from home now
Makes it hard to believe

So how am i supposed to live my life like the dream i have is real.
Why won't you want to keep me safe?

it begins

2010-10-06T07:34:00.001+08:00

14 months and 3 weeks.

i say things to comfort people. i tell them the right things to do. the logical, radical thing to do. but i can't tell myself that. because none of my principles would ever apply to myself.

last night i slept well. i thought i wouldn't. but that's only because my eyes couldn't stop tearing. and i drifted into a sea of memories of you and me. those happy, loved ones. and then i fell asleep. because i was safe.

i miss you already.

day 1 has only just begun.

sealed

2010-10-05T20:31:00.000+08:00

people write the most beautiful things about love. i guess some people are meant to create beautiful love. ones that make you go aw, or ones that move your heart. the stories about how that one person changes your life in the best possible way. but truthfully, i can't write like that.

mine has always been broken. short lived happiness which only ends in tears. i quit giving myself excuses in your defense. i quit fixing my broken heart time and time again only to have it crushed with my own bare hands.

you love me. and i love you. and a line drawn between those two. the only reason we still hold on to each other is because we want to stay afloat from the grieving waters that we're afraid will drown and pull us down. but the truth is, we hurt each other even more when we're together and yet we find solitude in that pleasure.

maybe this is what's best for us. back to being just friends. you. and me. even though it may seem hard to let go now. even though life seems impossible without you. but i know in the long run, you and i will be a lot happier. it would only end this way. sooner or later.

edinburgh and all the other places we visited together wouldn't be the same without you here with me. i'm grateful for having shared that piece of beautiful memory with you in it.

so let me love you. and miss you. and think of you all the time. and what's more, give me that time to be away from you. let me let go of you.

love always,
your princess♥

ahhh, life :)

2010-10-03T23:28:00.000+08:00

ended surgery with having dato taking me for exams :) which turned out ok and not so ok. i just want to pass.

project 'kl and have fun' for 2 days in a row! so completely and utterly exhausted after that. but im glad i did it with you guys :) hearts!

the gig at the actors studio was fantabulous! totally my kind of thing :) i mean who can resist cute guys singing and strumming my heart away with the guitar? haha. and a really gorgeous beautiful girl as well. man, i wished i could play like her. ahhh!

delicious has always been awesome. more so with great company. and i had them. priceless :)

and then, what?!!! murni at ss2?! sighs.

haha. totally love my weekend. best weekend in seremban to date! :D

leaving on a jet plane :)

2010-10-03T23:27:00.000+08:00

one of my favourite covers to date :) LOVEEEE her.

and i run

2010-09-29T09:28:00.000+08:00

no matter how hard i try, i don't know if i'll ever be as good.

hard work - does that really suffice?

i'm tired. sick. end it right now.

2010-09-22T19:12:00.000+08:00

in the end, i would only have myself.

you, you, you and you lot can stop screwing my life up.

i never understood how some people can just take but not give back. how people can be so inconsiderate and selfish.

why am i the only person who has to attend and care for everyone else's feelings when no one considers mine in return. i feel stoooopid.

am i the only person who had to go for moral classes back in school? am i the only person who has parents who taught me how to be a better person in life.

gee u guys, go get a life. talk about being educated.

oh yeah :)

2010-09-21T18:32:00.001+08:00

finally something to look forward to :) apart from home that is.

yay to the ho and the chicken and i for going to PARAMORE!

very. very. very. VERYYYY. excited.

3 weeks to rockin' the house down! ho. ho. ho. :D

you know you love me. ♥

hanging by a moment

2010-09-09T23:16:00.000+08:00

the ride has been rough. tough.

i don't know how long it will take for me to realise that no matter how hard i try, things will always remain the same.

you are you. and i am me.

no matter how much we compromise for each other, we just keep going in circles.

i don't understand why. maybe i just don't want to understand why. maybe i already do. maybe i am just afraid to admit it.

i look at that picture of you and me.

and then i look at the picture of others being in love.

next i ask myself why don't i have that. why can't i have that. that feeling of belonging to someone. that feeling of having him fight for you.

it doesn't matter how many times i've said it. because you don't ever and will never ever ever understand.

am i not good enough for you. am i not good enough to deserve that happiness that they have. when will you ever know. when will you ever learn. when will you ever care. when will you ever ever really understand.

i know you've been here. i know you've stood by me. i know everything that you have done. but it's not the huge matters that matter. it's the little things i want from you. it's that little an effort you have to make. all i want is just that. you. and that place in your heart.

i'm only hanging by a moment here with you. look at me. see me. feel me. be me. and then i hope that one day you'll see the big picture behind the aching me.

surgical madness

2010-09-09T22:25:00.002+08:00

nothing feels better than to be here at home.

especially after one week of being in dato's ward. PHEW.

waking up to the sound of my alarm at 5.45am everyday for the past week, roaming around the wards in a zombie-ish manner, clerking every patient there is, looking at the watch anticipating for him to come (he's always there by 7.30am PFFTTT) and embracing ourselves for some kick in the ass.

and then hit the wards again by 7.30pm.

WHERE IS THE LIFE??!! gahhh.

i mean i know here i am complaining every minute of the day about how exhausting all these are, but then again, i've learnt so much in this past one week. i understand what's happening to the patients more now. like why they're given this and that, why these investigations are done. i feel, aherm, slightly, just slightly, less stupid. LOL.

and i really am enjoying surgery. like honestly. obs and gynae is definitely my all time favourite but i don't think i'd consider specializing in it? but surgery. sigh. surgery. paeds. surgery. paeds. i like how surgery is a lot more straight forward. less thinking. no need for super smart intellectual brains. if there's a lump, cut it off! and it really is quite cool :) then again, i really do like paeds. sigh.

anyways, one week of dato's ward is down. two more coming soon. but after this break :)

knock me down

2010-09-04T23:46:00.000+08:00

i don't know how i can put myself out there. and let you walk all over me. you squeezed. you drained. you stomped. you sucked every living breath out of me.

the amazing thing is i allow all of that to happen.

because i'm afraid.

but it's weird.

because i don't know what i'm afraid of losing.

funny.

funny how i can put myself back together into one piece. as if nothing has happened.

again and again.

and then you shatter me to the ground. break me into pieces.

and then i put myself back again.

for you.

they say it's difficult to mend a broken heart.

mine is dead.

heartless

2010-09-01T15:51:00.000+08:00

my short-term bliss ended. and now i'm thrown back here again.

i remember reading eat pray love not too long ago. there was this chapter in india where she wrote

Of course, for most of us this state passes as fast as it came. it's almost like you're shown your inner perfection as a tease and then you tumble back to reality very quickly, collapsing into a heap upon all your worries and desires once again. we search for happiness everywhere, but we are like Tolstoy's fabled beggar who spent his life sitting on a pot of gold, begging for pennis from every passerby, unaware that his fortune was right under him the whole time. your treasure, your perfection is within you already.

i don't know why i feel like i'm never satisfied. or more like why am i always feeling like i'm searching for something more. like how isn't there supposed to be more than this to life? so if i'm not happy doing this, then do something else. but the problem is, i don't even know what i want. its just funny.

first day of class. first day of semester 9. first day of my final year as a medical student. great. more more more heaps heaps heaps of reponsibilities! nice. people expecting the world out of you. i'm supposed to know more than the universe can provide. great. and then so much of work! like i'm superhuman. superwoman. but i'm only that much. only this much. and then to make things worst. being away from home. it hasn't really quite settled after all these years. i do enjoy my freedom and independence here. and to be honest, i'm glad i had these years being away (well not really awayyyyyyy but away). its taught me so much. a lot. but maybe i'm getting tired of it. very.

i want to find my way. i want to find my place in this world.

hello england!

2010-08-09T22:05:00.000+08:00

good morning, london! :)

how i wish i was back there. that buzzing, amazingly, awesomely magnificent city! i know a number of people who don't quite fancy london, but i honestly do quite like it. so much of life every minute of the day as compared to edinburgh. really. the first time i went to london was when i had to go to the malaysian embassy for you-know-why, so obviously the beauty of that place initially, were all masked by my desperation to get my things sorted out and my impenetrable urge to leave this god forsaken country.

so my proper visit to london was with mum when she arrived in the uk. the train ride was good. trains here are NOTHING like those at home. seats are comfortable (or at least a lot better than our poor ktm) and the scenery is just awesome. the countryside is such a tranquil and beautiful place to live in. those sheeps, cows and goats and fields of wheat, green grass, flowers everywhere! i don't think i can ever get that picture out of my memory even though i do have short term memory loss. but nothing, beats that kind of beauty :)

one of the things that i really like about uk is how efficient the public transport system is. ok, apart from the whole NHS system. it's just amazing how buses operate so frequently, with exceptionally perfect timing, no delays (maybe a few seconds or a minute or so, but who the heck cares?!) and it's just so disable friendly! i like :D and of course, needless to say, the underground tube stations are ze best although they can get quite jam packed at certain times of the day (or maybe like everyday haha)!

shopping in london is MADNESS! oxford street and regent street is psychotically money sucking. massive topshop buildings, banana republic the price of our padini (it's almost RIDICULOUS!), zara, next, clarks, H&M, dorothy perkins, bershka, urban outfitters, sportsdirect.com - it's insanity at its max! i mean the amount of things that i could buy if i were a millionaire! even after conversion, it's a lottttt cheaper than the exact same ones here at home. i, proudly, bought myself everything that i can wear from my head, down to my feet. hairbands, cosmetics, tops, belts, jeans, shoes and shoes. oh, and a handbag. haha. afterall, i'm only a girl - with, hopefully, a bit of fashion sense. haha. :)

but of course, my favourite moments here in london, would have to be watching the Phantom of the Opera, Wicked, and the Bolshoi Ballet at the Royal Opera House. there is no musical production in the world that beats my beloved phantom. it's just stunning. and wicked, went in with absolute zero expectations, came out feeling exceptionally pleased and satisfied. makes me feel like defying gravity as well! :) and oh my god, the bolshoi ballet was in 3 acts - petrushka, russian seasons and paquita. those pointes, that graceful poise with flawless technique and perfect expression and pretty little costumes and tutus. it was exceptionally breath taking and very, very impressive. i could spend all my life watching musicals i swear.

me and mum stayed for a brief 3 nights at the malaysian hall. cheap, and i'm not complaining because what you give is what you get really. and waking up to the smell of nasi lemak, mmmmm :) then again, some certain malaysians ought to learn to be a tad more polite and courteous. and be nice. and friendly. and a lot more approachable. seriously, the guy at the malaysian high commissioner needs to stop facebooking and checking some girl out, plus smoking in an air-conditioned room. and just because i'm not malay, or just because your ranks are higher than mine and that you drive a super duper uber macho sports car and live in london luxuriously, doesn't mean you can be rude and intimidating. now that ain't very nice. whoever says malaysians are friendly. bite my ass.

apart from london, mum and i went to bath, oxford, stratford upon avon and windermere. he and i went to nottingham and manchester. bath is just really beautiful. it's almost like rome literally. so old, yet so bold. we went to oxford only to see christchurch college where harry potter was filmed and to the university of oxford. i swear i felt daniel radcliffe on where i stood in the picture. hahaha! and stratford upon avon is where shakespeare was born. windermere is a must go! the clear waters of the lake and those little ducklings, swans, and birds all over. it's just phenomenal. thank god for a perfectly fine weather! nottingham was merely to visit our friends. teck jian, danis, edwina. and others. nottingham hospitality service (NHS) at its best! missing your cupcakes edwina :) and your early morning breakfast teck jian! and your car, danis the menace! manchester was awesome! thank you swee leen for bringing me around in such a short time. and for a really good thai food!! :D old trafford is just crazy! i can definitely feel the players all around me. oh, how ecstatic!!!

and i must say, my stay in london wouldn't have been planned more perfectly if not for my aunt and peter. aww, i love you both :) although your house at this very moment, really, literally, looks like a dump site (ok, it's a renovation site haha), but i enjoyed every minute at your place. i'm sure mum did too. don't we all just love the fact that her legs tremble when she goes up that ladder? haha. it's hilarious. thank you for those dinners (oh lord that steak and noodles and fried rice and truffleeeeeeee!), late night rides to see the city, free audio guided tours (haha did i mention that a lot of the tourist spots here offer audio guided tours?) and information on how to get some of the best deals. and those chocolates you bought me, nuts, hobnobsss! thank you sei yi for everything. EVERYTHING. i promise we'll have our dessert when you come home. can't wait to see you again!

sigh. i miss london even more now. i miss the uk. i've been back for 6 days. but the excitement still hasn't quite settle down. i want to be there. everything in malaysia suddenly doesn't seem quite right. except for the food, yes :) oh wells, i'll work on that. pictures?

it's time to try defying gravity. i think i'll try defying gravity, kiss me goodbye, i'm defying gravity, and you won't bring me down!

i lived a dream

2010-08-07T01:26:00.001+08:00

sorry for this long hiatus, people :) you know i missed you.

it's been more than 1 month, coming to 2 now, since i last posted in here. and of course, so many things happened in that short period (or long) that i don't find it easy putting them into words. it literally felt like the longest dream ever. i never want to wake up from it. wished i hadn't. wished i could.

oh yes, UK has been the best dream ever to come true for me. never in my wildest of dreams would i think that it would actually materialise. you know when you're a kid, you dream of settling down in some beautiful country, in that small little cottage by the countryside (or if you want a posh apartment in the middle of that buzzing metropolitan city), i mean that was me (i'm a girl afterall, and if you don't already know, girls like fantasizing - in an APPROPRIATE, RIGHTEOUS manner, unlike boys if you get what i mean). and there i was! mum couldn't afford to send me to study abroad, so this was something to make up for that. sorta.

i do have one word to describe edinburgh really. it's brown. haha. it really is! its history dates back to thousands of years, or centuries ago, so you can't obviously be expecting buildings with rainbow colours or skyscrapers. it really is a beautiful, gorgeous place.so ancient, yet so bold and regal. oh, those blooming flowers everywhere! people sunbathing in the sun, sitting out in the parks and gardens, on benches or on those extremely healthy looking green grass, reading a book, playing football, having picnics, cycling, bringing out their dogs for a poop, playing the guitar, singing, and oh those summer romance! :)

the weather in Scotland is obviously a lot colder than in England. but cho kept telling me how hot it is, and so i only brought 1 jacket which was probably only 5mm thick. growls. its cold even in summer, especially when the wind blows. its uber chilly! :( and i look like a stupid eskimo walking around princes street while the girls were all dressed in boots with heels, sleeveless tops, mini skirts and shorts or dresses. how unfashionable can i get. tsk. and then, imagine coming out of the shower, even though it was a hot shower! most of the time i'd be having chills and rigors. i probably look like i'm having a bout of epileptic fits as well. tonic clonic jerk. rolls eyes.

not all food were good. i mean i do like eating burgers and sandwiches and sausages, bacon, etc etc. but FRIESSSSS! GOOD LORD. i'm not surprised at how common cardiovascular diseases are here. and to have to eat them everyday for a month, i think i'd rather turn vegetarian. and oh, the tesco here is a million times better than the ones we have at home. i love my hobnobs! yes yes, the strawberries - so huge and tasty! and those cherries! :) loved the ice cream too. ahh, the thought of it :D

now i know i'm supposed to be on a medical elective. haha. but then again, what's an elective without a bit of traveling and sightseeing? :) our private hospitals are nothing compared to the great royal infirmary of edinburgh. i'm just completely amazed and awed by how the whole NHS system works. makes us feel pretty small really. consultants, interns, nurses and the hospital staff here are all really nice people. they don't snap at you like how ours do if you can't answer a question. back here, you hear things like 'you stupid', 'like that also don't know?' or 'go and study more' kinda thing. and really, i think not only is that very insulting and mean, it only discourages the student more, or at least for me. i'd love to hear more of 'that's not quite it, but you're getting there' or 'that's good!' or 'don't worry, you're doing fine' or 'excellent!!!' and the thing that i really like about the whole place here is how well the doctors treat their patients. good communication skills, no jargons, no snapping at them. i like that. patients here are also very well aware of their disease and condition. i once asked this patient, 'hi mrs. so and so, do you know what medications you're on?' (with absolutely no expectations at all) and she replied 'oh yes! i'm on glibenclamide 500mg bd, aspirin 75mg on, lovastatin 50mg on, vit b complex, metoprolol 100mg bd, folic acid, vit c, calcium tabs....' and the list goes on. and then i just stoned, with my eyes and mouth wide opened. compare THAT to our very own patients. sigh.

i forgot to mention that i've never walked so much in my life! goodness. the longest of time that i've ever walked was for 45 mins. of course the cool air made it all a little more bearable for my poor feet :) no sweat!

we visited other places in scotland as well. dundee, st andrews, aberdeen, stonehaven, inverness, lochness and glasgow :) my favourite would have to be st andrews + stonehaven + lochness. lochness is the most beautiful lake ever. stonehaven has the best cliffs with such picturesque view and st andrews' beach is just breath taking! thank you to all those who hosted us - michelle, ben, mervin, kien wei, teddy bear, kevin, swee leen, teck jian, danis and edwina! those early morning breakfasts, a place to live in and bringing us around within such a short period of time, you guys are amazing!

phew. its been a long one. i'm gonna retire and let my pictures do the talking. well this is only on scotland. check in soon for more :)

don't ask me about the not so happy thing that happened. i've decided that my mind be blocked from it. and if it isn't painful enough for me, stop rubbing it in at my face at every point that i make a small, little, silly mistake. thank you.

Ps: re-edited - special thanks also to ng cho ee, for bringing me, him and mum around. all the times spent being the best tour guide ever, i've never seen any malaysian more well versed in scottish history good lord. told you you're a nerd, didn't i cho? lol. and for finding me izzy's place to stay, introducing me to mussels inn, giving me your whole room to sleep in (haha i'm sorry meryl and i threw you out of your own room), making me the best dinner ever and for just making my time in edinburgh a real blast and for being there whenever i needed you :) you know you love me :) xoxo. haha.

and also to ken and yee wei, for being there. and for chocolate soup! ahh, the thought of it :)

back again!

2010-06-12T11:38:00.001+08:00

and it's back again! :) the world cup! 4 years ago it ended on a uber high note for me. even though england didn't win it but i thought it was a good season. a lot of drama as well. more drama this time around please! :D and i actually think south africa is a pretty good place to host it. so much of culture!

and yes, i am stil rooting for england i don't care what you people say. oh so you think you know football very well? you know every player very well? BITE ME. duh.

my 2nd team is germany. oh hearts! :)

don't think i'll be able to catch much of it this year. no astro here. tv 1 sucks :( and then i'll be going off to uk. not south africa :( gahh!

anyways, GO ENGLAND! ♥

2010-06-11T14:21:00.000+08:00

9 more days to go. 9 more days to living a dream that i've waited long enough for :) and i can't wait any longer. but time's running up. i need to finish this race first. gahh!

but i won't let anyone put me down. mum's coming today! miss her too much. and mich my love is coming back soon! can't wait to see her! :D

2010-06-04T20:45:00.002+08:00

You fell in love with someone because of the tilt of his smile, or because he could make you laugh, or in this case, because he made you believe you were the only one who could save him.

-Jodi Picoult, Picture Perfect-

2010-06-04T20:40:00.001+08:00

i know i can do this without you. even if it means i need to break myself a little, pain a little, i know i can. i know i will. because the fact is, i've been without you for some time now. it's just that i fall back into you everytime you feel like holding me close. i gave in too easily. gave in to your every call. i am stupid, i know. even when it's obvious that my efforts and everything that i do have not been reciprocated, i still insist on giving. but now i have nothing else to offer. nothing else to give. i have given everything. it's always just words for you. never an action. i'm starting to hate myself for having to repeat it over and over again.

i just need to pick myself up. learn to live my days not having you near and here. i know i will be better off without you. i now know what i want, what i need. someone who can make me a better person and lifts me up. and that is and will not be you.

so just take me as your friend. respect me for the person i am. or at least for the little things i have done. and if even that is not worth it, then just take me as a person. i won't always be on-call for you. and someday, soon, i will stop missing you.

2010-06-04T20:27:00.000+08:00

my heart used to flutter and beat stronger everytime i see you. everytime you're near. but today, when i saw you, it only lay still. and silent. it no longer knows you...

2010-06-03T15:18:00.000+08:00

what happens when you find out the truth? the one that leaves you empty to the core. when it was all bitter and sweet at the same time. you don't know if you'd want to hate that person or to feel grateful. where does this end?

then again, it doesn't mean anything anymore now, does it?

2010-06-01T20:28:00.000+08:00

today i managed to set 2 iv lines PURRRFECTLY. haha. :) oh the joy!

and that stupid brainless "fullmoon" medical officer hasn't been around for ages. wished he got transferred out or something. but i don't know why MOs can't be nice. not all, but some. rolls eyes.

anyways yay! :)

2010-05-31T19:25:00.001+08:00

today feels like one of those days back in bukit jalil. i miss home so badly i don't know why. i miss having to wake up to my mum's voice. to breakfast at the roadside. to everything. and i'd have thought that a few years away from home would ease things abit. sigh. i just feel like i'm back to square one today :(

home :)

2010-05-30T21:53:00.000+08:00

i was back the weekend for wesak day celebration. have always been home that time of the year :) mum says you don't just pray to buddha during exams so this is probably a good time to show your appreciation. LOL.

so the 3 days back at home was completely eventful. friday alone was spent shopping the whole day away. and then to the temples and then to follow the procession. tired, but worth it :)

and saturday was even more fun. lunch met up with sooi at azuma. yummylicious! and then just plain catching up, gossiping, more whining and walking up and down that one special particular shop we were so interested in - Swatch. and you may ask why. because our dear friend has a thing for this guy :D awww, they do look cute together :) and after that, went shopping with mum again. she wanted to get a pair of comfy walking shoes for her long awaited europe trip :) i love my mummy. and then supper at haagen dazs with kar how :) i shall omit that embarassing thing i did. don't you dare rub it in kar.

3 days just in a blink of an eye. and then i'd only be back 9 weeks later :( feeling really sad because home has been so much fun. just non-stop eating my favourite food and the fact that i have good company and things are just so familiar everywhere i go. i miss that feeling. that feeling of belonging to somewhere. of course i'm still looking forward to uk. but before that i have exams and all the other not so happy things coming along. so it just upsets me how happiness can be so shortlived. :(

i miss my mummy. i miss sooi phing. weird, but i miss kar how laughing at me. i miss my aunt's food. i miss that road side kuey teow th'ng. and that po piah. :(

i wana go home :(

how to save a life

2010-05-27T14:59:00.000+08:00

everyone wants to be a doctor after watching ER. House. Grey's anatomy (minus the explicit scenes). Chicago Hope. it's probably one of the most "noble" profession you'd ever come across. so when people ask you, and me, at interviews to enter medical school, why do you want to be a doctor? you hear different versions of answers that only mean one thing : because i want to do good, to help save someone's life. to make a difference in this world with all that i have. and of course, you have those that'll tell you because my parents made me do it i have no other choice maybe i really should burn in hell.

i say, we need to have that passion to do so. that love, dedication and sacrifice.

i walked into the A&E on Tuesday morning with so much of excitement and such enthusiasm i swear i myself would get the palpitations and soon the ventricular fibrillations and then to cardiac arrest even before a patient does.

anyways, i was really looking forward to this. at least i could make myself useful as a medical student, setting lines, taking blood, ecgs and oh so many things! :) i love it there. and today, was not a good day. today, i see how cruel we doctors can be. so cold, and heartless.

a 28 year old malay soldier was brought in after more than an hour being unconscious. pulseless. asystole (flat lines on the cardiac monitor). CPR started. we all took turns to do it cos it was really tiring (my first time by the way). so full of energy from us, those adrenaline rushing through, wanting to save the patient so badly. 6mg adrenaline given. still asystole. half an hour passed, asystole. the MO came walking in, checked pulse. none. pupils fixed and dilated. cold peripheries. no spontaneous breathing. undetectable blood pressure. he declared death. and he said, as he checked the pupils "oooh, pupil dia macam full moon! macam itu twilight. tak pe lah. stop aje". WTF?!

this 71 year old indian uncle brought in by a taxi driver unconscious. pulseless. in cardiac arrest. CPR commenced. and they managed to revive the patient initially. and then after hours, he started deteriorating. and then he was in PEA (pulseless electrical activity). that same MO again came, and said to stop all efforts and let him just pass. and we're like WTF?! and we all stood, watching in dismay and disbelief, from 70 beats to 30 and then to 0. he told us that the patient was old, and that he had no family members. very poor family support which wouldn't at all be a good prognosis to his condition. so would it be worth it to save him?

i say we don't have the rights to judge who lives and who dies. it is not our prerogative to determine if that person deserves a chance to life. who are we to decide. who are we to tell. and isn't saving lives a doctor's main aim? i didn't understand. and i don't. because all i know is that we should still fight for the patient, when we still can. standing there and watching him go down should not at all be an option.

and so we were all upset. very. some say we'd probably get used to seeing this soon enough. getting to be a little more mechanical each day as we phase through our lives as doctors as we see more and more patients each day that we'd probably get so sick of it. i don't know about that. it would probably be a little too routined for me soon i might agree, but i definitely will not become that very person that even i myself would detest. and i won't want to place my family and friends' lives in the hands of a doctor like that. god gave us life for a reason. only He makes that decision :)

2010-05-22T19:12:00.002+08:00

Why did we become close at all in the first place?
If our relationship began with a simple hello.
And ended with an excruciating goodbye.